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I’m sorry that you find yourself here. The questions you are asking are what everyone who has been betrayed by their spouse asks themselves.

There are some concerning things going on here, and I won’t tell you I didn’t make the same types of choices you are making now, riiiiiight before I caught him still cheating on me. So here are the red flags I am seeing in your story based on my similar experiences in the matter.

1. You didn’t get the full truth up front. You have been “trickle-truthed” and are still being fed filtered information. This is a no-go for reconciliation. The cheater has to give you the details, the timeline, and answer all your questions. As someone said before, a polygraph after you receive the timeline will help to put your mind at ease.

2. Do you really think two people who explicitly text that way only eat food at lunch? They were immoral enough to meet for lunch, which is cheating, yet they kept their hands off of each other, and innocently made 2 more lunch dates, also keeping their hands and genitals far apart??? I’ll leave that for you to think about.

3. I’ll bet you trust she’s ended the affair and you both are doing terrific! This is exactly what she wants, for you to replace the attentions of her boyfriend and play the “pick me!” Dance with her so she can get validation of how great she is.
what you’re doing now is hysterical bonding. It’s a real thing. I’d bet money on that pony. But your instincts are screaming at you right now... THIS is the part of things you cannot trust. She will stop getting what she wants at some point and you will be back to square one. Or worse... catch her again.

Guess what? I thought my instincts would tell me if he was seeing the AP again, but they were screaming the whole time I was trying to reconcile I just ignored them like I did the first time! I got the same words and proclamations as you my friend.

3. She didn’t cheat because of your marriage, you, her stress, “she doesn’t know why”, she’s lonely, blah blah blah. She cheated because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it. If you rug sweep this without any consequences you are setting yourself up for a repeat of this later on. She needs individual counseling to FIGURE OUT why and how she allowed herself to betray the person she said she loved, and continually do so. That is not fixed, that has not been felt with and until it is you are right to never trust her again.

4. This is the part you’re going to not like. It’s too soon to reconcile. You don’t have the information you need, you do not have TRUE remorse (which never says “I don’t remember”, “I won’t tell you that”, “I don’t think you need that information”) and you do NOT know the depth of her lies and betrayal. Nor does she want you to. How do you know what you’re even forgiving here??? You have no clue you are just blindly taking her at her word when she’s lies many many times and still is. You need time and space and the truth before you ever decide whether she is WORTH the gift of your reconciliation.

You are in a lot of pain, a lot. Much of it your refusing to feel because it hurts too much, so you’re covering it with “we will be ok!” And a false reconciliation. True reconciliation is difficult and long term and hurts for both parties.

And yes she is showing you her phone. That was your first mistake... telling her how you got the information. Do you know how easy it is to delete communication and contact lovers in this day and age? Maybe it’s not happening right now, but what if tomorrow you have the flu and can’t feed her ego that day? How easy would it be to say.. hey, I think I’ll have “lunch” with Paco.

You are talking to a person that did things JUST LIKE YOU for months and got cheated on AGAIN. I’m going to tell you, it hurts even worse the second time after they’ve seen your pain, your tears, your anguish, promise you the moon and stars and then do.it.again. I’m not telling you not to reconcile... I’m telling you that you have no idea if she’s got what it takes TO reconcile. And her actions to this point? I’d say not even close yet.
 

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That being said, how do I know she won't do the same thing in the future when life throws a curveball at us and our relationship is strained again and maybe I'm not giving her the "attention" she wants?
The best way to set her up to do this again is to do exactly what you are currently doing, which is letting her get away with this.

She needs to consequences and to fully come clean before you offer the chance at reconciliation.

After you get your written timeline, call this guy's wife, get her to tell you his side of the story. If she didn't know yet, have her confront her husband. Pretty sure the other wife already knows they were physical.

You will regret this for eternity if you don't do something about it know. The wondering what happened will never go away.

Turn around the burden of proof... it was a full physical affair until proven otherwise....
 

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I feel she is not being fully honest with you and personally I feel she needed to take responsibility for her actions rather than blaming you for not spending enough time at home.
 

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Ahh, the old trickle truth scenario. You know what they say about 3rd dates, right? The 3rd "lunch" was likely at a motel. Nobody does nasty sexts at night back and forth with a lunch buddy.

I would get yourself tested for STDs and make her do the same. I don't care if she says they never had sex. You tell her you need this reassurance because there have been too many lies.

She is lulling you back to sleep here. Her actions may be good but she's hoping you rugsweep this and don't find out everything she did.
 

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Thanks for the feedback and from reading on the site I'm learning about the blame shifting. Our issues with our marriage is both our faults, but her decision to have the "affair" was 100% her fault and doing. She admits that to me, but says "I would not have done it if we didn't have the issues with our marriage" so I'm not 100% sure she feels it was her fault.
So in other words, "I agree it is that way for others...but not for me."

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Yeah, I'm learning this and although she steadfast holds to the fact that they did and not I'm not sure. I'm trying to move forward with the worst case scenario. I think I can get over the affair, it's the lies that have bothered me the most. Don't get me wrong, it hurts and it's not easy especially when you didn't think your partner would ever do something like this. Also, I say I think I can get over the affair because I think I can right now, but each day we move forward and it is only a few months after I found out. I want to try and work it out because I see how good we are when we are running on all cylinders, but we have to work through the trust issues.
There is no TRUE forward without TRUTH.

You don't have it yet.

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My good man. Face it she did the horizontal mamba with her POSOM. Cheaters lie as you have been informed. FJ has provided you the path to the truth. He is 100% spot on. Having been in your shoes a few years back, I would encourage you to take his advice to heart.
 

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totallyunexpected - well - we all have been there
So far you have been posted information based on experience by those who have "heard the words" and have shared the grief you now have to endure.
No matter what the outcome - you will survive and one day be happy again - question is whether it will be with your wayward spouse or some other.

Right now you don't have much with which to work. Remember your marriage vows? "to forsake all others" How could she forget? simple -
loose or no boundaries/integrity/morals. She made decision after decision to indulge in activities inappropriate for a married person.

She has to accept she has failed to honor her marriage vows and, if she wants to stay married, she has to fix herself. You can't do that.
Perhaps some individual counseling (IC) can help her. Then there is the monster "BUT"

But being does she really or is she really still in love with you? Likely not nor so much right now due to the emotional confusion (affair fog) of being in the affair and it IS an affair.
How far it went for emotional connection and (perhaps?) physical stuff. - people have posted based on what they were told and experienced. Take that with the 'grain of salt'
- what all are saying is at odds with their experience. I share most of that opinion too. Big "beware" of re-writing the marriage history. Typical is the wayward only remembering or
just plain conjuring up all kinds of negatives in your history. Like the day you didn't open the car door is suddenly a MAJOR gaff!

Your best bet is to stand away and observe actions by her. I suggest you get STD tests and ask her to also. Get thee to a divorce specialist lawyer and learn what you would face
if she and you don't survive. Keep eye on finances just in case she decides to spend on ?? This seems to be a bit much but being prepared for the worst outcome is your best
course of action.

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Maybe you should get "No more Mr. Niceguy" a good read and also "Married mans sex life primer" (I think that is the title)
Figure out exactly what "Pick Me" looks like and do your best to NOT do any of the "pick me" stuff.

Remember you are in a fight for what you want - you may lose - you may win - either way you will have to endure some big punches.

Keep posting - use this place as a journal of sorts to help you track your progress through this merde panini you are having stuffed in your face.

don't take everything you read here as gospel but do try to put in a perspective of your situation - we all want to see you get OUT of infidelity.
 

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You already lost.

Your approach of “I hope and want her to love me while I try to forget this happened” is going to get you nothing but pooped on.

A polygraph is the truth...

Fear will prevent you from having her do it.

Are you sure you want the truth? Are you really really sure?

The problem is that what you come here for is a magic pill... some word of wisdom... something to make her love only you .....something to make you forget .... someone to say ... your right she didn’t have sex with him.

No person here has any of those things for you. They only have truth of the current situation.... which sucks.

I think you want to believe her lies. You don’t sound like you want to know the truth from her.
 

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One recommendation I would strongly make is to get comfortable hearing the uncomfortable and choosing to be suspicious with the understanding that it's nothing personal against your wife, but it's simply good business to be skeptical. There are quite a few things you are accepting but that's understandable because you don't know your wife as being a liar before this. History is on her side.

Here's the uncomfortable and cold reality. Self preservation, reputation and in some cases the excitement of the affair will obliterate history and respect, both for you and the marriage. For a short (and sometimes long while) post affair, the wayward spouse prioritizes themselves before everything. This fact enables them to succeed in omitting, twisting and flat out lying. Betrayed spouses want the pain and difficult nature of the affair to go away and as a result will CHOOSE to believe their wayward spouses quickly, easily and without the cheating spouse having earned it.

It's hard to believe when years or decades of transparency is no longer there and the BS simply gives into history and wanting things to go back to being normal. I would very, very, very strongly advise you to proceed with the understanding and belief that you are not being squared with in upwards of 50% of what you're being told. You don't have to outright call her a liar, but in your mind you should say, since her lips are moving, some percent of what's coming out is a lie.

Again and I can't stress this enough, self preservation, reputation and the tingles from an affair can and will compromise the integrity of the most loyal, loving, church going wife. Reading these stories since 2017 have enlightened me to a couple of trends that I would not have believed prior to 2017. One is the men and women who find themselves in affairs are the same ones who months previously would be appalled at those that have them.
Second is the ease of which spouses reconcile after infidelity.

In summary what I'm trying to say here is you're extremely susceptible to getting taken for a ride. This is not what you want.
 

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Tell her that you will be scheduling a polygraph for her in the very near future! And make that appointment!!!!!

Her reaction will probably give you your answer if they ever met in person or were physical.

Good luck and stay strong
 

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Sorry this has happened to you.

You said this guy was an old work colleague, are you sure this guy isn’t an old boyfriend or FB?

You know your wife is lying about them sleeping together. Did you get tested for std’s? You really need to do so and you need to make your wife do the same.
 

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I would ask you this, OP:

Ignore, for just a moment, her words, and instead focus on her actions since d-day. Are they the actions of a remorseful person?

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The question I asked myself at the time of discovery - Was she worth it? Worth fighting for, worth keeping, worth the pain?

The answer was no.

My ex wife didn't confess. I discovered the truth. No I didn't bother to confront her. She simply wasn't worth the effort.
My ex wife is a narcissist. All of her lies, projection, blameshifting and selfish behavior did the damage before my discovery of the affair. The discovery of her affair was just the final nail in the coffin.

Is your wife worth fighting for? Don't be too quick to answer this. Really give it some thought. What does your wife bring to the table? Is she trustworthy? No. Is she faithful and loyal? No. Is she truthful? No.

Does you wife love and respect you? I would answer NO.

You can find many men that regretted giving the gift of reconciliation to a wayward wife. You won't find many if any men that regretted divorcing their cheating wife. I belong to the latter category. I have no regrets divorcing my cheating ex wife.

Would recommend you file for divorce and while the process is pending allow your wife to prove to you she is worthy of reconciliation before you offer such a gift.
 

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Thanks for the feedback and from reading on the site I'm learning about the blame shifting. Our issues with our marriage is both our faults, but her decision to have the "affair" was 100% her fault and doing. She admits that to me, but says "I would not have done it if we didn't have the issues with our marriage" so I'm not 100% sure she feels it was her fault.
Your WW response indicates she is NOT taking the 100% as the affair being her fault for her bad decision. Your wife needs individual counseling. She is nowhere near remorseful.
 
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