I’m sorry that you find yourself here. The questions you are asking are what everyone who has been betrayed by their spouse asks themselves.
There are some concerning things going on here, and I won’t tell you I didn’t make the same types of choices you are making now, riiiiiight before I caught him still cheating on me. So here are the red flags I am seeing in your story based on my similar experiences in the matter.
1. You didn’t get the full truth up front. You have been “trickle-truthed” and are still being fed filtered information. This is a no-go for reconciliation. The cheater has to give you the details, the timeline, and answer all your questions. As someone said before, a polygraph after you receive the timeline will help to put your mind at ease.
2. Do you really think two people who explicitly text that way only eat food at lunch? They were immoral enough to meet for lunch, which is cheating, yet they kept their hands off of each other, and innocently made 2 more lunch dates, also keeping their hands and genitals far apart??? I’ll leave that for you to think about.
3. I’ll bet you trust she’s ended the affair and you both are doing terrific! This is exactly what she wants, for you to replace the attentions of her boyfriend and play the “pick me!” Dance with her so she can get validation of how great she is.
what you’re doing now is hysterical bonding. It’s a real thing. I’d bet money on that pony. But your instincts are screaming at you right now... THIS is the part of things you cannot trust. She will stop getting what she wants at some point and you will be back to square one. Or worse... catch her again.
Guess what? I thought my instincts would tell me if he was seeing the AP again, but they were screaming the whole time I was trying to reconcile I just ignored them like I did the first time! I got the same words and proclamations as you my friend.
3. She didn’t cheat because of your marriage, you, her stress, “she doesn’t know why”, she’s lonely, blah blah blah. She cheated because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it. If you rug sweep this without any consequences you are setting yourself up for a repeat of this later on. She needs individual counseling to FIGURE OUT why and how she allowed herself to betray the person she said she loved, and continually do so. That is not fixed, that has not been felt with and until it is you are right to never trust her again.
4. This is the part you’re going to not like. It’s too soon to reconcile. You don’t have the information you need, you do not have TRUE remorse (which never says “I don’t remember”, “I won’t tell you that”, “I don’t think you need that information”) and you do NOT know the depth of her lies and betrayal. Nor does she want you to. How do you know what you’re even forgiving here??? You have no clue you are just blindly taking her at her word when she’s lies many many times and still is. You need time and space and the truth before you ever decide whether she is WORTH the gift of your reconciliation.
You are in a lot of pain, a lot. Much of it your refusing to feel because it hurts too much, so you’re covering it with “we will be ok!” And a false reconciliation. True reconciliation is difficult and long term and hurts for both parties.
And yes she is showing you her phone. That was your first mistake... telling her how you got the information. Do you know how easy it is to delete communication and contact lovers in this day and age? Maybe it’s not happening right now, but what if tomorrow you have the flu and can’t feed her ego that day? How easy would it be to say.. hey, I think I’ll have “lunch” with Paco.
You are talking to a person that did things JUST LIKE YOU for months and got cheated on AGAIN. I’m going to tell you, it hurts even worse the second time after they’ve seen your pain, your tears, your anguish, promise you the moon and stars and then do.it.again. I’m not telling you not to reconcile... I’m telling you that you have no idea if she’s got what it takes TO reconcile. And her actions to this point? I’d say not even close yet.
There are some concerning things going on here, and I won’t tell you I didn’t make the same types of choices you are making now, riiiiiight before I caught him still cheating on me. So here are the red flags I am seeing in your story based on my similar experiences in the matter.
1. You didn’t get the full truth up front. You have been “trickle-truthed” and are still being fed filtered information. This is a no-go for reconciliation. The cheater has to give you the details, the timeline, and answer all your questions. As someone said before, a polygraph after you receive the timeline will help to put your mind at ease.
2. Do you really think two people who explicitly text that way only eat food at lunch? They were immoral enough to meet for lunch, which is cheating, yet they kept their hands off of each other, and innocently made 2 more lunch dates, also keeping their hands and genitals far apart??? I’ll leave that for you to think about.
3. I’ll bet you trust she’s ended the affair and you both are doing terrific! This is exactly what she wants, for you to replace the attentions of her boyfriend and play the “pick me!” Dance with her so she can get validation of how great she is.
what you’re doing now is hysterical bonding. It’s a real thing. I’d bet money on that pony. But your instincts are screaming at you right now... THIS is the part of things you cannot trust. She will stop getting what she wants at some point and you will be back to square one. Or worse... catch her again.
Guess what? I thought my instincts would tell me if he was seeing the AP again, but they were screaming the whole time I was trying to reconcile I just ignored them like I did the first time! I got the same words and proclamations as you my friend.
3. She didn’t cheat because of your marriage, you, her stress, “she doesn’t know why”, she’s lonely, blah blah blah. She cheated because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it. If you rug sweep this without any consequences you are setting yourself up for a repeat of this later on. She needs individual counseling to FIGURE OUT why and how she allowed herself to betray the person she said she loved, and continually do so. That is not fixed, that has not been felt with and until it is you are right to never trust her again.
4. This is the part you’re going to not like. It’s too soon to reconcile. You don’t have the information you need, you do not have TRUE remorse (which never says “I don’t remember”, “I won’t tell you that”, “I don’t think you need that information”) and you do NOT know the depth of her lies and betrayal. Nor does she want you to. How do you know what you’re even forgiving here??? You have no clue you are just blindly taking her at her word when she’s lies many many times and still is. You need time and space and the truth before you ever decide whether she is WORTH the gift of your reconciliation.
You are in a lot of pain, a lot. Much of it your refusing to feel because it hurts too much, so you’re covering it with “we will be ok!” And a false reconciliation. True reconciliation is difficult and long term and hurts for both parties.
And yes she is showing you her phone. That was your first mistake... telling her how you got the information. Do you know how easy it is to delete communication and contact lovers in this day and age? Maybe it’s not happening right now, but what if tomorrow you have the flu and can’t feed her ego that day? How easy would it be to say.. hey, I think I’ll have “lunch” with Paco.
You are talking to a person that did things JUST LIKE YOU for months and got cheated on AGAIN. I’m going to tell you, it hurts even worse the second time after they’ve seen your pain, your tears, your anguish, promise you the moon and stars and then do.it.again. I’m not telling you not to reconcile... I’m telling you that you have no idea if she’s got what it takes TO reconcile. And her actions to this point? I’d say not even close yet.
