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Hey, not sure where to turn, but ran across this site and thought it could be good therapy to tell my story...

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. I've been married before and this is her first marriage and we have 2 children together. Seemed like a typical marriage... things really good at first, then the kids and then us slowly drifting apart and spending less time with one another. This lead to less emotional bonding and sex between us with us just going through the motions of our relationship. To add another layer of complexity with our relationship we work together as we have our own company so we do spend a lot of time with one another... and we do work well together.

Fast forward to the end of last year about 2.5 months ago. I accidently found instant messages on her phone one night after she went upstairs "tired" to "go to sleep". She had been drinking that night and passed out and when I went upstairs I saw her phone was lit up meaning their was recent activity. I looked at the phone and I what I saw totally shocked me. I saw a whole string of x-rated messages between her and someone else. Because of the state of shock I was in I woke her up and demanded to know what the heck was going on and who was this other person.

To make a long story short (as best I can) we discussed everything and she convinced me that since things were not good emotionally and physically with us she had this online "relationship" for almost 3 months with this person and it was just online only and a fantasy. She indicated that since we did not spend much time together this is what happened - that I worked too much and did not spend time with her. The funny thing was I left my career to join the company she started and although I do work late, it is for "our" company. I'm only working late to help our company succeed - it's not like I'm working for someone else, it's for us! Could I have more spent time on us... yes, and we both are at fault for letting our marriage get to a point, but I let her know that her decision to have this affair was 100% her fault and do not bring up the hours working at our business.

We both wanted to try and make us work. I asked her for more details about the affair... are you sure it was not physical, who was this individual, what happened and etc. I needed to know the details to even try to get some sense of what and why and work towards healing and closure. She did not want to give me more details and I told her that I needed more because what she doesn't give me I would fill in the details myself with the worst possible scenario and we could not begin to heal our relationship. She finally gave me a name and how they met (work colleague years ago that reached out to her online).

I kept digging and asked her if they met in person and she said no. I found evidence to the contrary and she finally admitted they met one time for lunch. After another round of digging I was sure they met more than once and she admitted they met 3 times for lunch. I could narrow down the dates, times and locations for some of these meetings (technology can be helpful). She continues to maintain that nothing physical happened, but I'm not sure whether to believe her. She lied to me a few times and only admitted when I had some facts.

It's been about 2.5 months and things are much better with us, but I'm hurt and do not trust her. She is sincerely sorry and I believe committed to our relationship now, but how can I ever be 100% or even 90% sure? I think about this affair every day and it hurts. I do love her and believe she loves me and hopefully we can continue to heal. I thought I would ne out if this ever happened to me, but you never know what you'll do until it hits you.

I have many more details, but that's enough for now. Thanks for listening.
 

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That’s terrible. Sorry you’re in this mess of her making.

Don’t let her blame your long hours. Heck my husband was a workaholic at one stage and the worst I did was yell at him a lot and demand a lot of attention. I also had a few men watching this and trying to muscle in and take advantage. No thanks, no way.

Many women will tell you the same, they didn’t go elsewhere.

She’s drip-feeding you and that’s the most concerning part. Maybe she hasn’t taken it to the physical stage, but if she’s in this deep and lying, she may take it there eventually.

Be mean.
 

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That’s terrible. Sorry you’re in this mess of her making.

Don’t let her blame your long hours. Heck my husband was a workaholic at one stage and the worst I did was yell at him a lot and demand a lot of attention. I also had a few men watching this and trying to muscle in and take advantage. No thanks, no way.

Many women will tell you the same, they didn’t go elsewhere.

She’s drip-feeding you and that’s the most concerning part. Maybe she hasn’t taken it to the physical stage, but if she’s in this deep and lying, she may take it there eventually.

Be mean.
Thanks for the feedback. Things are much better now and I have complete access to her phone, email and etc. I know if someone wants to cheat they still can especially in this digital online age, but I do not think she is now. I do think it was a one time affair that ended. That being said, how do I know she won't do the same thing in the future when life throws a curveball at us and our relationship is strained again and maybe I'm not giving her the "attention" she wants?
 

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Hey, not sure where to turn, but ran across this site and thought it could be good therapy to tell my story...

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. I've been married before and this is her first marriage and we have 2 children together. Seemed like a typical marriage... things really good at first, then the kids and then us slowly drifting apart and spending less time with one another. This lead to less emotional bonding and sex between us with us just going through the motions of our relationship. To add another layer of complexity with our relationship we work together as we have our own company so we do spend a lot of time with one another... and we do work well together.

Fast forward to the end of last year about 2.5 months ago. I accidently found instant messages on her phone one night after she went upstairs "tired" to "go to sleep". She had been drinking that night and passed out and when I went upstairs I saw her phone was lit up meaning their was recent activity. I looked at the phone and I what I saw totally shocked me. I saw a whole string of x-rated messages between her and someone else. Because of the state of shock I was in I woke her up and demanded to know what the heck was going on and who was this other person.

To make a long story short (as best I can) we discussed everything and she convinced me that since things were not good emotionally and physically with us she had this online "relationship" for almost 3 months with this person and it was just online only and a fantasy. She indicated that since we did not spend much time together this is what happened - that I worked too much and did not spend time with her. The funny thing was I left my career to join the company she started and although I do work late, it is for "our" company. I'm only working late to help our company succeed - it's not like I'm working for someone else, it's for us! Could I have more spent time on us... yes, and we both are at fault for letting our marriage get to a point, but I let her know that her decision to have this affair was 100% her fault and do not bring up the hours working at our business.

We both wanted to try and make us work. I asked her for more details about the affair... are you sure it was not physical, who was this individual, what happened and etc. I needed to know the details to even try to get some sense of what and why and work towards healing and closure. She did not want to give me more details and I told her that I needed more because what she doesn't give me I would fill in the details myself with the worst possible scenario and we could not begin to heal our relationship. She finally gave me a name and how they met (work colleague years ago that reached out to her online).

I kept digging and asked her if they met in person and she said no. I found evidence to the contrary and she finally admitted they met one time for lunch. After another round of digging I was sure they met more than once and she admitted they met 3 times for lunch. I could narrow down the dates, times and locations for some of these meetings (technology can be helpful). She continues to maintain that nothing physical happened, but I'm not sure whether to believe her. She lied to me a few times and only admitted when I had some facts.

It's been about 2.5 months and things are much better with us, but I'm hurt and do not trust her. She is sincerely sorry and I believe committed to our relationship now, but how can I ever be 100% or even 90% sure? I think about this affair every day and it hurts. I do love her and believe she loves me and hopefully we can continue to heal. I thought I would ne out if this ever happened to me, but you never know what you'll do until it hits you.

I have many more details, but that's enough for now. Thanks for listening.
Due to her constant lies and the fact that she only owned up gradually after you had proof, I wouldnt believe her either. Due to their on line sexting its highly likely that they did more that just have lunch. I would say that you can't trust her and that you want her to take a lie detector test and see her reaction. I would also say that if things turn up in the test she hasnt admitted to before then the marriage is over. This will give her the chance of finally telling you the whole truth.
Dont let her put any of the blame on you, you did nothing wrong. Cheaters always blame the other person.
 

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Fast forward to the end of last year about 2.5 months ago. I accidently found instant messages on her phone one night after she went upstairs "tired" to "go to sleep". She had been drinking that night and passed out and when I went upstairs I saw her phone was lit up meaning their was recent activity. I looked at the phone and I what I saw totally shocked me. I saw a whole string of x-rated messages between her and someone else. Because of the state of shock I was in I woke her up and demanded to know what the heck was going on and who was this other person.

To make a long story short (as best I can) we discussed everything and she convinced me that since things were not good emotionally and physically with us she had this online "relationship" for almost 3 months with this person and it was just online only and a fantasy. She indicated that since we did not spend much time together this is what happened - that I worked too much and did not spend time with her. The funny thing was I left my career to join the company she started and although I do work late, it is for "our" company. I'm only working late to help our company succeed - it's not like I'm working for someone else, it's for us! Could I have more spent time on us... yes, and we both are at fault for letting our marriage get to a point, but I let her know that her decision to have this affair was 100% her fault and do not bring up the hours working at our business.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

We both wanted to try and make us work. I asked her for more details about the affair... are you sure it was not physical, who was this individual, what happened and etc. I needed to know the details to even try to get some sense of what and why and work towards healing and closure. She did not want to give me more details and I told her that I needed more because what she doesn't give me I would fill in the details myself with the worst possible scenario and we could not begin to heal our relationship. She finally gave me a name and how they met (work colleague years ago that reached out to her online).

Most upfront are just sorry they got caught. She’s not remorseful which is a big problem

I kept digging and asked her if they met in person and she said no. I found evidence to the contrary and she finally admitted they met one time for lunch. After another round of digging I was sure they met more than once and she admitted they met 3 times for lunch. I could narrow down the dates, times and locations for some of these meetings (technology can be helpful). She continues to maintain that nothing physical happened, but I'm not sure whether to believe her. She lied to me a few times and only admitted when I had some facts.

Cheaters lie a lot. That’s all your getting. She only admits to what you can prove. EA with physical contact = sexual affair.

It's been about 2.5 months and things are much better with us, but I'm hurt and do not trust her. She is sincerely sorry and I believe committed to our relationship now, but how can I ever be 100% or even 90% sure? I think about this affair every day and it hurts. I do love her and believe she loves me and hopefully we can continue to heal. I thought I would ne out if this ever happened to me, but you never know what you'll do until it hits you.

That’s the problem. The capability for her to do this again is there.
Id bet her other man is married. If so inform his wife without telling your wife. It’s the best way to provide consequences and stop the affair if it’s ongoing.

What leads you to believe she is remorseful? Her words don’t mean much. Actions tell you what you need to know.
 

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You’ll never know if she’s telling you everything. And you’ll never know if she’ll do that again when she doesn’t like how things are going. Trust doesn’t come back completely the way it was before and it shouldn’t because now you know what she’s capable of. Reconciling usually takes 3-5 years — assuming it works (it does for some). There can be unexpected triggers along the way that make you relive the pain of this long after it’s in the past. There’s nothing easy about reconciling except the decision to try. I wish you the very best going forward.
 

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Id bet her other man is married. If so inform his wife without telling your wife. It’s the best way to provide consequences and stop the affair if it’s ongoing.

What leads you to believe she is remorseful? Her words don’t mean much. Actions tell you what you need to know.
Thanks for your feedback and yes, he is married, but told her he was separated (and used that to his advantage so they could have common ground when they met - not good marriages). I'm not sure about that and think he is having marriage issues of his own, but I don't really care about that. I do believe they are stopped talking... I know I cannot be 100% sure because its so easy to hide with technology, but her phone is an open book and along with her email now. Plus no more "work" lunches and etc.

As far as being remorseful, she is making an effort with her actions. She is more engaged with us and pushing for us to be together both emotionally and physically. I do notice a difference and it does make me feel better. Not that you can trust your "gut feeling" all the time, but I had a bad feeling when she was having the affair and I do feel like she is trying on our relationship and that the affair has ended. My feeling is that I'm not sure about that she has told me everything about the affair.
 

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You’ll never know if she’s telling you everything. And you’ll never know if she’ll do that again when she doesn’t like how things are going. Trust doesn’t come back completely the way it was before and it shouldn’t because now you know what she’s capable of. Reconciling usually takes 3-5 years — assuming it works (it does for some). There can be unexpected triggers along the way that make you relive the pain of this long after it’s in the past. There’s nothing easy about reconciling except the decision to try. I wish you the very best going forward.
Thanks for the feedback and from looking around this site and others it seems 100% correct. I'm trying to come with those terms of not knowing... my personality is that I want to know everything and I need to find out if I just want it or actually need it :) Your second sentence is one of my toughest fears that she'll do this again when things are not going great. Triggers... yes, I'm dealing with those too, but it gets better. I really do love her and our family and do believe she is really trying and loves me, but only time (and her actions) will tell.
 

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Due to her constant lies and the fact that she only owned up gradually after you had proof, I wouldnt believe her either. Due to their on line sexting its highly likely that they did more that just have lunch. I would say that you can't trust her and that you want her to take a lie detector test and see her reaction. I would also say that if things turn up in the test she hasnt admitted to before then the marriage is over. This will give her the chance of finally telling you the whole truth.
Dont let her put any of the blame on you, you did nothing wrong. Cheaters always blame the other person.
Thanks for the feedback and from reading on the site I'm learning about the blame shifting. Our issues with our marriage is both our faults, but her decision to have the "affair" was 100% her fault and doing. She admits that to me, but says "I would not have done it if we didn't have the issues with our marriage" so I'm not 100% sure she feels it was her fault.
 

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Cheaters lie. That is what they do. If they were sexting like lovers then when they got together they had sex. Thats a fact.
Yeah, I'm learning this and although she steadfast holds to the fact that they did and not I'm not sure. I'm trying to move forward with the worst case scenario. I think I can get over the affair, it's the lies that have bothered me the most. Don't get me wrong, it hurts and it's not easy especially when you didn't think your partner would ever do something like this. Also, I say I think I can get over the affair because I think I can right now, but each day we move forward and it is only a few months after I found out. I want to try and work it out because I see how good we are when we are running on all cylinders, but we have to work through the trust issues.
 

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Yeah, I'm learning this and although she steadfast holds to the fact that they did and not I'm not sure. I'm trying to move forward with the worst case scenario. I think I can get over the affair, it's the lies that have bothered me the most. Don't get me wrong, it hurts and it's not easy especially when you didn't think your partner would ever do something like this. Also, I say I think I can get over the affair because I think I can right now, but each day we move forward and it is only a few months after I found out. I want to try and work it out because I see how good we are when we are running on all cylinders, but we have to work through the trust issues.
She will hold steadfast until you get evidence. My husband screamed over and over it was one kiss until I found evidence. A one week inappropriate sexting (his claim) turned into a 2 year affair chock full of sex in our cars at lunch. Date nights when he was “working” and good old fashioned romps at local pay by the hour motels.
Trust after an affair is an Illusion. It never comes back 100 percent. Never.
 

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Client had to threaten his WW. She was not forthcoming with the truth, and in the middle of a breakdown, he called her parents and told them what he thought he knew. Caused a complete crap storm in his WW ‘s life. She had to completely come clean with him and her parents. Had she done so she would have avoided the worst consequences. What he said to her parents was essentially correct, but his hurt and anger came through and forever damaged relationships. They ended up separating. During the separation she started another highly inappropriate relationship. That was the final nail. She did not even know that her BH had found out til she got served.
 

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Thanks for your feedback and yes, he is married, but told her he was separated (and used that to his advantage so they could have common ground when they met - not good marriages). I'm not sure about that and think he is having marriage issues of his own, but I don't really care about that. I do believe they are stopped talking... I know I cannot be 100% sure because its so easy to hide with technology, but her phone is an open book and along with her email now. Plus no more "work" lunches and etc.

Thats the biggest lie told here. Maybe him and also your wife to cover for him.

As far as being remorseful, she is making an effort with her actions. She is more engaged with us and pushing for us to be together both emotionally and physically. I do notice a difference and it does make me feel better. Not that you can trust your "gut feeling" all the time, but I had a bad feeling when she was having the affair and I do feel like she is trying on our relationship and that the affair has ended. My feeling is that I'm not sure about that she has told me everything about the affair.
Bud, all cheaters lie a lot and your wayward wife would cover for him.

Inform his wife. Wouldn’t you want to know? It’s an action you can take.

People who get strong and take action come out best in these situations plus once you tell her without informing you’re wife you’ll know if they’re still in contact.

Upfront they all jump into saving themselves. Think long term. It’s her job to fight for the marriage so you don’t offer reconciliation immediately or jump into marriage counseling.

You’re in a hard spot but you’ll learn a lot here. No one is prepared to deal with this.

keep posting for more knowledge
 

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From your posts she is only confessing to what you can prove. You are heading towards a rugsweep which is the best way to have problems long term and set yourself up for a repeat. Not all cheaters cheat again but unless she fixes her problems the capability is there. I’d suggest individual counseling for her if you can find a good one that specializes in infidelity.

Reconciliation requires specific actions:
Remorse, not just sorry they got caught.
The truth which I doubt you have.
Zero contact with her affair partner.
transparency.

Tell her in order to move forward you require a polygraph test. Her reaction will be what?

You want this marriage to work out you both need to put in the necessary work required to get there.
 

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You need to get her to write a timeline of the affair in detail and tell her you will have her do a poly to verify the truth.

You also need to expose this to the OM’s wife WITHOUT warning your WW about it. This will cause him to throw your wife under the bus in order to save his marriage. That will help your WW defog from any soulmate BS she has floating in her head.

I would also expose to her family. Not in a your daughter/sister is a who... but in a help me fight for the marriage/family. Your WW needs to face consequences for putting the family at risk. By exposing to family, any lingering fond feelings she for POS will turn to disgust with herself as her family questions how she could do this to the father of her children.

lastly you must not do the pick me dance. It never works and causes the wife to lose more respect for their BH. Don’t offer R yet until she has shown remorse for what she has done to you and the family and is not just regretting getting caught.

We have TONS of threads from BHs that try nice their WW to earn their love. Those always end up real bad for the BH. We also have some threads from BHs that boldly went shock and awe without fear of losing the marriage. These men usually end up having WW scrambling to save the marriage.

lastly, you know deep inside that they had sex. Highly sexual sexting happens after sex has happened. It’s to give the OM enough to tide him over to their next meet. You need to know what you’re forgiving before you R because it will eat you up later on.
 

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The fact she is blameshifting shows she is not really remorseful. This would bother me. She needs to take full accountability for the affair. She needs to say this is on her. You did nothing wrong. Until she does that she is not remorseful because she is justifying what she did, and laying the foundation she could do this again when things are tough. I dont think its possible to ever trust someone again who doesn't take accountability fully for an affair.
 
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