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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi,

I plan on doing a marathon self-help reading stretch...but I'm driving myself nuts trying to go back and find threads where books have been recommended to me and others. I know there are many of them I've seen recommended more than once. I put them into my iPhone...but when I did the iPhone update, it must have erased the notes I put in there that listed those books because they are not there now.

Please, if you will, list them here if you can think of them? It'll not only help me, but others. And I will keep bumping the thread so it stays on the first page. (Be nice if there were a sticky thread for this...)

P.S. I am also adding some...and will update that list as I find them. I'm also adding some self-help/counseling books that I've seen have 4 & 1/2 star or better reviews on Amazon.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
Here are some I found or can remember:

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda MacDonald.

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael Singer

I'm Ok You're Ok by Thomas Harris

Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.

Toxic Relationships: Abuse and it's Aftermath by Sam Vankin

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality: Anthony De Mello

 

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Found on TAM:

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John Gottman and Nan Silver

Learned about in MC:

"I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from 'What Will People Think?' to 'I Am Enough'," by Brene Brown

I won't bother to bring up MMSL or NMMNG. :p
 

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Some books that I like to recommend to others

For General Marriage Help (not only for couples going through infidelity:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
"John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life''s work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential"

The Five Love Languages
"Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.......The 5 Love Languages® has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good."

Love Busters, His Needs Her Needs and the companion workbook 5 Steps to Romantic Love
"Dr. Harley helps couples understand why their best intentions are not enough to prevent marital incompatibility. in Love Busters, he helps couples avoid losing romantic love by recognizing and overcoming thoughtless and selfish habits. Couples must do more than want to meet each other's needs--they must actually meet them! The right needs are so strong that when they're not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them. But aside of the risk of affair, important emotional needs should be met for the sake of care itself. Marriage is a very special relationship. Dr. Harley describes the ten emotional needs of men and women. He helps you identify which are the most important to you and your spouse, helps you communicate them to each other, and helps you learn to meet them."

About Infidelity

Not Just Friends
"NOT "Just Friends" is the first book to shatter popular assumptions about infidelity, including: a happy marriage is insurance against infidelity; the betrayed partner must have ignored obvious clues; and the unfaithful partner was compensating for emotional or sexual deprivation in the marriage......Dr. Glass's scientific approach to infidelity is unique in its treatment of the betrayed partner's shock as a trauma. She helps couples cope with post-traumatic reactions and recover from the emotional roller coaster that follows deception, suspiciousness, and the shock of revelation."

Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder
"The phrase "broken heart" belies the real trauma behind the all-too-common occurrence of infidelity. Psychologist Dennis Ortman likens the psychological aftermath of sexual betrayal to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in its origin and symptoms, including anxiety, irritability, rage, emotional numbing, and flashbacks. Using PTSD treatment as a model, Dr. Ortman will show you, step by step, how to:
• work through conflicting emotions
• Understand yourself and your partner
• Make important life decisions
Dr. Ortman sees recovery as a spiritual journey and draws on the wisdom of diverse faiths, from Christianity to Buddhism. He also offers exercises to deepen recovery, such as guided meditations and journaling, and explores heart-wrenchingly familiar case studies of couples struggling with monogamy. By the end of this book, you will have completed the six stages of healing and emerged with a whole heart, a full spirit, and the freedom to love again."
 

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This one could also help pretty much any betrayed spouse, not just those whose husbands are sex addicts. Substitute the words I have in bold and it applies - it really is quite good

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse
"Sexual addictions [Infidelity] and compulsive sexual behavior are growing societal problems, with as many as three to six percent of the world population affected. Your Sexually Addicted Partner shatters the stigma and shame that millions of men and women carry when their partners are sexually addicted [cheat]. They receive little empathy for their pain, which means they suffer alone, often shocked and isolated by the trauma. Barbara Steffens' groundbreaking new research shows that partners are not codependents but post-traumatic stress victims, while Marsha Means' personal experience provides insights, strategies, and critical steps to recognize, deal with, and heal partners of sexually addicted relationships [cheaters]. Firsthand accounts and stories reveal the impact of this addiction on survivors' lives."
 

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The two best-selling BPD books -- targeted to the abused partners of those having Borderline Personality Disorder -- are:

  • Stop Walking on Eggshells, and
  • I Hate You, Don't Leave Me
For the BPDers themselves, the most popular books seem to be:

  • Dialectical Behavior Skills Workbook, and
  • Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified.
 

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As you mentioned relationships have many facets and good materials deal in one or a few.

To add:

Personality Plus - Florence Littauer - deals with basic personality types and helps one understand and interact with spouse and other people alike

Married Man Sex Life Primer - Athol Kay - explains the cycle of dopamine and oxitocin in a long term relationship and teaches men how to keep excitement and attraction high over time

Women's Infidelity - Michelle Langley - delves in the little studied process of why women cheat tied into the same dopamine/testosterone and oxitocin cycle described in the book above.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus - John Gray - a classic holds true on the patterns and pitfalls of male female communication

Why men don't listen and women can't read maps - Allan Pease - describes common differences between male and female brains from an evolutionary perspective. An insightful look on what our brains are best hardwired to do.

 

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Probably not for a married couple, but I imagine most of you have kids.
Never hurts to get them

1001 Things Every Teen $houldKknow Before They Leave Home (Or Else They'll Come Back)

And who knows, you might learn something.
 

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"The Male Brain", and

"The Female Brain"

By Louann Brizendine, Harvard Neuropsychiatrist

Great entertaining reads put in layman's terms which help both men and women to understand the biological differences between the sexes. Written in a way to describe the lifespan of the male and female brains. There are reasons why men and women are the way they are!
 

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Remembering your interest in transactional analysis, you might be interested in Scripts People Live by Steiner and Games People Play by Berne. They are both quite old now and it is a long time since I read them, but I recall them as being helpful.
 

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Remembering your troubled childhood, i came across today the names of a number of authors who have written about childhood trauma and/or ways to achieve peace of mind.

Dan Siegel
Jack Kornfield
Gabor Mate (with an accent on the e)
Allan N Schore
Bessell van der Kolk
Pena Chodron
Alice Miller

I plan to look them for me also.

Happy reading!
 
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