When you both give up.
Try to have a civilized conversation about what attracted you to each other at the beginning and whether or not you two can get it back and make it work. If not then its time to move on.
Too much water under the bridge?
Hi. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and together for a total of 12. Long story short- up until 3 years ago we had what I thought was the perfect relationship. In Aug of 2009, when I was 8 months pregnant with our only child together, my husband told me of multiple sexual regressions he had over the first 7 years of our relationship. This "moment of truth" took about 2 months to come completely out and it seemed weekly I was being told of additional women and such. I was traumatized, went through major depression (PPD and PTSD is how I was diagnosed) and waded through that first year of my daughter's life medicated and numb. Yes, we started counseling immediately, a week after the first admission, and continued both MC and IC up until a few months ago. Over the last few years my husband at first was remorseful, traumatized as well, and did all the things (transparency, reassurance, support etc) necessary to aid our recovery- this lasted maybe 6 months. Then the defensiveness began, almost a resentment. He began saying that since all this, I treat him like a doormat and dont respect him and will never trust and forgive him. At one point about 6 months ago he began to be hostile, stating things like "I have my limits, and I wont tolerate you disrespecting me" he began to stonewall me on a regular basis in addition to all sorts of other hostile behaviors. Our relationship has deteriorated to the point of seperate bedrooms, arranging mediation, and most times a lack of civility toward one another.
My problem (one of them anyway) is I am struggling with whether I can not forgive & trust again and our relationship is failing OR he is not giving me the opportunity to rebuild these things because of (what I perceive as) his resentment toward me for not dealing well.
I want to save my marriage for both my daughter and me. I have learned over the last few years my marriage was not perfect before, and he did many mean things that I simply took responsibility for, BUT I still feel like we could have something good.
WHEN IS THERE TOO MUCH WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE TO OVERCOME?
My problem (one of them anyway) is I am struggling with whether I can not forgive & trust again and our relationship is failing OR he is not giving me the opportunity to rebuild these things because of (what I perceive as) his resentment toward me for not dealing well.
I want to save my marriage for both my daughter and me. I have learned over the last few years my marriage was not perfect before, and he did many mean things that I simply took responsibility for, BUT I still feel like we could have something good.
WHEN IS THERE TOO MUCH WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE TO OVERCOME?
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Try to have a civilized conversation about what attracted you to each other at the beginning and whether or not you two can get it back and make it work. If not then its time to move on.
Sorry you are here.
He is responsible for his actions.
I wonder why he is saying "you are disrespecting me". Maybe you need to address this one. Take time and contemplate. Apart from this, I dont see any reason for him to grudge.
The decision to R is one thing and actually doing R is quite another. R takes serious efforts from both H and W. In your case, your H should be the one doing the heavy lifting. I dont know if your counselor made this clear to him. What is your H saying about this R? Does he want R at all?
Take care.
He is responsible for his actions.
I wonder why he is saying "you are disrespecting me". Maybe you need to address this one. Take time and contemplate. Apart from this, I dont see any reason for him to grudge.
The decision to R is one thing and actually doing R is quite another. R takes serious efforts from both H and W. In your case, your H should be the one doing the heavy lifting. I dont know if your counselor made this clear to him. What is your H saying about this R? Does he want R at all?
Take care.
I do wonder about the water under the bridge. It is a nice metaphor because it so nicely describes the effects of an affair and it's revelation. Sure, the hurt will fade, life will go on, and maybe even trust will begin to rebuild, but the fact is that there is a part of your Husbands life that for seven years he had multiple affairs with other women. Your story is not shared as you thought it was. He had his own private life while you shared all of yours with him.
If there is any disrespect then it is him disrespecting you. If he wants to rebuild then he has to do it with you. Make you feel special and the centre of his world.
I do wonder if he may be having another affair. This arrogance is fairly typical of us males in an affair. I really hope not, but what is your gut saying?
If there is any disrespect then it is him disrespecting you. If he wants to rebuild then he has to do it with you. Make you feel special and the centre of his world.
I do wonder if he may be having another affair. This arrogance is fairly typical of us males in an affair. I really hope not, but what is your gut saying?
He's seriously expecting it to only take six months to fix your relationship, after 7 years of lies and cheating on you? Doesn't seem reasonable to me.
I just have to ask, how did you not know about all the affairs? What makes you think he's not still having an affair? Maybe he stopped for the moment but I'll bet money on it that his defensiveness is because he's up to his old ways. I hate it when we trust too soon then get blindsided down the road. Remember he's a serial cheater and a master at lying and manipulating. Your the one being disrespected. Don't stay in an abusive marriage for your child, is that the way you want her to think a husband should treat his wife. Better to be from a broken home then to live in one.
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He had a series of affairs over 7 years.
He came clean and worked on R for 6 months
Now for the last 6 he's defensive, no longer supportive of R, and is calling you out for "not respecting" him?
My guy tells me that he has either begun cheating again, or the part of him with the total-moral failure that let him cheat for those 7 years with those women, is once again wanting to cheat. Either way he's ramping up the reasons and justifications in his own head that enable him to cheat without remorse.
Your husband didn't have a romance outside of marriage - he had a series of sexual affairs for 7 years. That's a different mindset than a guy who thinks he's found the other love of his life. that's a guy who's out to hookup , cheat, have sex. To me that shows a different kind of moral breakage inside a person, and I think that part of him didn't get dealt with and it's come back. So my bet is he is again either cheating or is working up to it.
He needs therapy to deal with that daemon, not just MC to help the two of you deal with his past cheating. He needs to get fixed before MC can bring the two of you together again.
Now if he doesn't want to get fixed, then there isn't hope here. I'm sorry to say. If he's accepting of that part of him that desires to cheat, then there isn't much you can do, because only he can choose not to cheat.
He came clean and worked on R for 6 months
Now for the last 6 he's defensive, no longer supportive of R, and is calling you out for "not respecting" him?
My guy tells me that he has either begun cheating again, or the part of him with the total-moral failure that let him cheat for those 7 years with those women, is once again wanting to cheat. Either way he's ramping up the reasons and justifications in his own head that enable him to cheat without remorse.
Your husband didn't have a romance outside of marriage - he had a series of sexual affairs for 7 years. That's a different mindset than a guy who thinks he's found the other love of his life. that's a guy who's out to hookup , cheat, have sex. To me that shows a different kind of moral breakage inside a person, and I think that part of him didn't get dealt with and it's come back. So my bet is he is again either cheating or is working up to it.
He needs therapy to deal with that daemon, not just MC to help the two of you deal with his past cheating. He needs to get fixed before MC can bring the two of you together again.
Now if he doesn't want to get fixed, then there isn't hope here. I'm sorry to say. If he's accepting of that part of him that desires to cheat, then there isn't much you can do, because only he can choose not to cheat.
I unfortunately relate to your story. 
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