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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I'm new to this but I see I'm not alone. I've been with my husband for 8 1/2 years and married for 5 1/2. He is a terrific guy, very caring, calm, smart, sexy and very good with my son, his stepson however, we've been having some problems with him not being in the mood for sex. At first things were great but over the last year and a half he never initiates sex and when I do, he usuallly doesn't finish and it ends up being a crying party because I blame myself. He has diabetes and takes medication and always blames his illness for the reason he doesn't want to have sex. I've talked, cried and gotten mad and explained to him how awful this makes me feel and then I blame myself, thinking I'm ugly, not attractive, fat and that he's not in love with me anymore. He says he will get help but never does. I've tried to force it and that only makes the situation worse because he can't perform under pressure, which I understand but I just don't know what to do. I feel like he's holding something back with me in the bedroom. I am wild and like to try different things and he does not. I'm not sure what really turns him on after all this time and I've asked time after time for him to open up but he won't. He acts like he's embarressed. At the beginning of the marriage, I caught him on a dating site which he swore was to look and masturbate (but I'm not that naive). He could get free porn for that! I also found a chat room called "Married but still looking" which he denies ever being on. This was 7 1/2 years ago and to this day I've never found evidence that he has ever been on those sights again (but I'm sure he hides it better now if he is) after I questioned him and almost divorced him. We are always together when we're not at work and he works road construction so he is surrounded by guys, so I'm just not sure what the problem is. I know he's not gay for those thinking that too. I honestly think, he loves me but he isn't in love with me. This is killing me becasue I don't want a divorce, I just want to find out what's wrong. I'm a sexual person and sex is important to me, not everything, but this just isn't working for me anymore.
 

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Welcome Sunshine69.

Please if you can, stop blaming yourself. I'm going to guess at how your husband is feeling.

As you outlined in your post sometimes he doesn't finish or has trouble performing. These kinds of issues can take a severe toll on a man who loves his wife. I believe ( my guess ) is that this history of lack of performance is very stressful for him and he feels in a way that his own body is betraying him. Therefore if he does not have sex with you ( or try to have sex with you ) then he will not have to deal with his feelings of inadequacy. He will not seek help perhaps because he is very afraid that his doctor and others helping will see him as less of a man. ( he may even feel like they are laughing at him behind his back ) .

As a suggestion visit a health food store and stock up on "vitamins" ( that's what your going to tell him they are ) that help a mans libido and sexual performance. Also look at foods that may help. Start a separate thread for advice on this ( ? )

Hope that was somewhat helpful Sunshine69.
 

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Hi!
You mention he has diabetes and is on medication. I'm pretty sure the diabetes can affect performance in the bedroom, also perhaps it's the medication. I think it's something he needs to see a doctor about, but men are very proud of this sort of thing and that's probably why he says he will get help but doesn't take the first step in actually getting help. The fact you say he is embarrassed says even more that this is the case, he is too embarrassed to get help.
I think you need to adapt another approach to this. I know it's hard not to take it personally, but I think you need to be more understanding, especially when it's likely due to his diabetes/medication.

Have you ever spoken about it when it's not actually an issue? As in the conversation isn't surrounded by the fact that he yet again failed in the bedroom? Or that he hasn't been able to perform? That would really put the pressure on, I'd imagine, so maybe talk to him one night about it. I hope you know what I mean.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
To Canadian Guy: Your response is very reassuring and alot of things you mentioned he has said to me but I was leary about believing him. I guess unless I've walked in his shoes I shouldn't assume he's not telling me the truth. It doesn't make it any easier but at least this is something we can work on. Thank you for your honest opinion - I guess sometimes hearing it from another mans perspective can make a big difference. He is 44 and is Type II. He doesn't like to excercise but I have been into fitness my whole life so I encourage and motivate him to go for a walk with me or stay active. His job requires him to work 12 hour days during the summer 6 days a week so he's very tired when he's home. I totally understand that and don't push him but the winter months he gets laid off so I got him to join a gym with me but that didn't last long. Soon I was going alone. lol His diet is horrible too - I cook dinner about 4-5 days a week but he will stop and grab fast food on his way to work in the morning and sometimes at night if he's working late and can't get home for dinner. I stay on him about eating healthy if he's going to eat fast food. He has lost about 10 lbs over the last few months and his doctor said he looks great. His sugar is still high but maybe I can talk to him about getting some help in the bedroom. I have discussed this when it isn't a problem but I can tell he is very uncomfortable and usually changes the subject so I just drop it. He says he's going to call the doctor when we discuss it but he hasn't to this day.
 

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Sunshine,

Diabetes can play a major role in circulatory issues and heart disease as well as sexual dysfunction.

If your husband hasn't seen a cardiologist he should see one to keep an eye on his heart and how the diabetes affects it and his circulation

High blood sugar is a major contributor to all the additional ills that diabetics suffer so it's important for him to get his sugar down
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thank you for the advice. I didn't even realize the issues that he could have with his heart and circulation. I guess that makes sense with the issue of not performing. Maybe we have bigger issues. He takes meds but his sugar is sometimes all over the place. His sister has Type 1 and is the same way. They have a very hard time regulating her. I just assumed since my husband was Type 2 he wouldn't have the same issues.
 
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