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too late?

4286 Views 22 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  x598, 
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ive been married for 15 years. My wife and i met young and built a life together. i caught her cheating two years ago.

we went to counseling almsot immediately. the therapist explained her cheating grew out of a disconnect in our marriage, a failure to communicate, and a "grwoing up" of my wife, wanting different things in our life than i did.

My wife didnt deny the "growing up" part. the trouble is I saw her as shallow, selfish, and materialistic.....i would call it the "OC housewife" on steroids.

of course she said she was sorry and screwed up, but she was firm that the "new woman" she had become was here to stay. the shrink basically told me this is who she always was, just had never "grown into it". if i wanted the marriage to survive, i had to accept this new person.

well, NO THANK YOU. this isnt what i signed up for. I walked out and was content to try and live my life in a meaningful way to me.

after about a year, I met a young woman, who i completley identify with. Im not going to go into details, but we are a total match. We have had a great time, travelling together and enjoying many things together.

I kept this from my wife as we contemplated divorcing, i just didnt see any positive thing coming from her knowing about this and possibly making a divorce more difficult.

My wife found out anyway, and I didnt deny it. But now suddenly, my wife has figured out "how far off track" she was, how she "put priority and emphasis" on the wrong things..... how she now wants to make our marriage and me her new found center of focus.

I have been honest with the woman. I told her of my seperation and the fact that i was still married. she is pressing me hard to divorce her, and i dont blame her.

i guess the delima i am in is becasue of my kids. I have to middle school children caught up in the middle of this. if it wasnt for them, i would have already pushed hard for a divorce. Honestly, i want a divorce. I dont love my wife anymore the way i used too, i guess my "fire" has just burned out. But I am horribly conflicted, feeling like I am putting myself first, instead of trying to re-light my fire for my kids sake.

so would you forgive your wife, and forget about the affair and selfishness now on a "new found" understanding? is this possible? or is it that i found a new happiness that she now is feeling like she lost a good thing and just wants to get back to a guy that wasnt so bad afterall?

i lay awake in bed at night unable to sleep debating this.

if you have been in a similiar situation i would sure like to hear about how it worked out.
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Saki
The ONLY person who you need to worry about in this lifetime is YOU.

Your kids will turn their marriage into the marriage they see growing up.

In, 30 years, do you want your kids to be miserable, trapped in marriages, laying awake at night the way you are now??

Go all in. You already know you can't go all in on your marriage. So, go all in for divorce.

I've been cheated on (and am still in the marriage) and it's a terrible terrible thing that never goes away. If I had it to do again, I'd have left immediately. But I choose to stay so I try to put my all, everything I can, into my marriage.
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Toffer
I'd get the divorce and move on

If you're not happy and not on love with your current wife, your kids will pick up on this and think that is the model for marriage

Make your break and be happy

Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one
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Caribbean Man
x598 said:
My wife found out anyway, and I didnt deny it. But now suddenly, my wife has figured out "how far off track" she was, how she "put priority and emphasis" on the wrong things..... how she now wants to make our marriage and me her new found center of focus.
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Quite funny how that works.
She wanted you to accept her bad behaviour because she thought you didn't have any options or that you were not
" man enough " to stand up to her and walk.

Suddenly she got it all figured out...........

Of course its too late!
Stop worrying about her , you gave her everything and she threw it away.
You have one life to live.
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anchorwatch
Caribbean Man said:
Quite funny how that works.
She wanted you to accept her bad behaviour because she thought you didn't have any options or that you were not
" man enough " to stand up to her and walk.

Suddenly she got it all figured out...........

Of course its too late!
Stop worrying about her , you gave her everything and she threw it away.
You have one life to live.
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:iagree:

You rightfully lost you love for her, move on and find someone who can reciprocate your love.
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life.is.pain
I think she only wants you now because she see's you can move on without her and found a new woman that appreciates you for you.

Your kids are not a reason to stay married. Your kids will eventually grow up and make their own lives. They will live their lives how they want without your approval.

So you do what makes you happy not what someone else wants you to do.

You control your own destiny in life no one else does.
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Benevolence
Now that someone else is interested in you, your stock went up.

Divorce and be happy, your kids will understand.
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X
Thank you for the replies.

let me add that that is a very simplified version of what happened. I tried to keep it short and to the point.

I want to say that the picture above me me sound like everything I did was perfect and she is totally to blame. well i am here to say im not perfect. there were things i could have done better.

I agree with the sentiment here that i can/should move on. it makes it especially easy becasue i have found happiness.

But i also want to say i have many friends who have gone down this road, and in the long run, have found out the grass wasnt greener after all. Sure, they picked themsleves up and made the most of what they could. I am thinking of it from a perspective of all relationships will have some sort of drama or baggage. I also recognize second marriages fail at about the same rate as first marriages. So i'm trying to be very realistic about not kidding myself that i will just ride off into the sunset with all my problems behind me. I have friends who are at war with the ex and it creates issues for the new spouse. Kids that hold resentment and grudges and other problems. seems to me I am hearing more divorced people say in the END, it wasnt worth it. maybe i'm looking at a divorce as a quick fix rather than fixing what i have (if it can be) because inevitably there will be bumps in the road even though it might be a different road that i am on.

what scares the heck out of me the most is the sincerity of my wife. She's bending over backwards now almost to the point where, to me, it feels like there is no way this can be the real her. our counseler flat out told me the "grown up" (in my mind selfish, shallow, materialistic) woman IS WHO SHE IS and there is NO GOING back. she went with this for a while, now she tells me she see's it was wrong. I guess maybe time will tell.

bottom line......How many divorced people here can say they moved on to a better place? how many will say, its not better, its DIFFERENT, and in the end, i didnt accomplish anything? just should have fixed what i had and made the most of it.

its sure got me thinking.
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anchorwatch
Then the only way you can be sure is to try it again. Give it a time period, say a year. Evaluate your relationship every 3 months. At the end of the year you'll be more confidant in a decision.

Don't repeat the marriage you had, start a new one. Here's a read to see what a real marriage looks like "His Needs, Her Needs' by W Harley. I'd suggest you both read it. BTW You'll have to give up your GF.

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800719388: Amazon.com: Books
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life.is.pain
x598 said:
Thank you for the replies.

let me add that that is a very simplified version of what happened. I tried to keep it short and to the point.

I want to say that the picture above me me sound like everything I did was perfect and she is totally to blame. well i am here to say im not perfect. there were things i could have done better.

I agree with the sentiment here that i can/should move on. it makes it especially easy becasue i have found happiness.

But i also want to say i have many friends who have gone down this road, and in the long run, have found out the grass wasnt greener after all. Sure, they picked themsleves up and made the most of what they could. I am thinking of it from a perspective of all relationships will have some sort of drama or baggage. I also recognize second marriages fail at about the same rate as first marriages. So i'm trying to be very realistic about not kidding myself that i will just ride off into the sunset with all my problems behind me. I have friends who are at war with the ex and it creates issues for the new spouse. Kids that hold resentment and grudges and other problems. seems to me I am hearing more divorced people say in the END, it wasnt worth it. maybe i'm looking at a divorce as a quick fix rather than fixing what i have (if it can be) because inevitably there will be bumps in the road even though it might be a different road that i am on.

what scares the heck out of me the most is the sincerity of my wife. She's bending over backwards now almost to the point where, to me, it feels like there is no way this can be the real her. our counseler flat out told me the "grown up" (in my mind selfish, shallow, materialistic) woman IS WHO SHE IS and there is NO GOING back. she went with this for a while, now she tells me she see's it was wrong. I guess maybe time will tell.

bottom line......How many divorced people here can say they moved on to a better place? how many will say, its not better, its DIFFERENT, and in the end, i didnt accomplish anything? just should have fixed what i had and made the most of it.

its sure got me thinking.
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Now your thinking right in my opinion. Yes the grass ain't greener on the other side, its green on your side of you water it.

Yes there are 3 sides to every story your side, her side and then the truth.

You thinking that you don't wanna divorce her and regret it later, thats great that you think that way. When you got married you made a vow to be with your spouse thru good times and bad times.

So divorcing is taking the easy road out. But if you believe that her now changing and wanting to better is sincere then yes i would suggest you try everything you possibly can to try to make your marriage better than what it was.

Divorce is not the answer, divorce does not fix anything, if you feel you love your wife then she deserves for you to at least try to fix your marriage. And who knows maybe it will be better than before but you won't know unless you try.

Good luck to you.
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S
Even as much as this OW might indeed be a good match for you, I'm not sure that this is started as what could be considered at least an EA bodes well for the beginning of our relationship. Now you have your (what do you consider her - given that you are still married - your girlfriend? your mistress? are you sleeping together?) pressuring you to get divorced.

If you want to try and take your wife at her word, and accept her seemingly new attitude - you are going to have to cut off contact with this OW. And then figure out what it is you do want.
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i should have mentioned i already have put the brakes on the relationship with the GF.

i read in another post somewhere that there is no such thing as married but seperated. you either are maried.......or waiting for the divorce papers to settle. that is the way i viewed my marriage. I am/was gone, physically and emotionally, and told my wife.

Even as much as this OW might indeed be a good match for you, I'm not sure that this is started as what could be considered at least an EA bodes well for the beginning of our relationship. Now you have your (what do you consider her - given that you are still married - your girlfriend? your mistress? are you sleeping together?) pressuring you to get divorced.
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i agree that many would see me as "on the rebound" or many other terms. all i can say is I wasnt looking, this was a chance meeting, even though i was at a pretty low point in my life. the fact that it didnt fizzle after a short while, but flourished, to me showed that this wasnt just some crutch to get by on. If i didnt have two kids to think about, there is NO QUESTION in my mind where i would be.

I have know many divorced people who say the regretted it. I only know one couple who stayed together after infidelity. He cheated, and in my opinion, 15 years later for them, she has never forgiven or got over it, and the relationship has been a struggle even though so far they are still together.

im trying to figure out how to stay out of both scenarios.
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UPDATE

its been six months. still have a ton of mixed feeling on this.

My wife has basically stayed on the same path, trying to do the right things (as she see's it) to make the marriage work. and that's OK, i respect her for that, but many times it just feels like she is doing what she is doing because of her own fear of loss or shame for what has happened.

my emotional state has improved considerably. I can be productive at work again, enjoy my hobbies and live in a meaningful way to me.

So what's the problem then? i guess i just dont lover her the way i used to. maybe that comes with the knowledge of a PA, learning that someone you previously held such a high regard for, is a fragile thing that can be shattered, and even though "repaired", its just never the same.

my delima now is, what do i do about it?
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LongWalk
You got no feedback. Sad. What is the situation now?

Did you learn more about the affair that prevented you regaining respect for your wife?

Do you have sex with her and when it is over feel cheated?

Is her earnstness making inroads with you?
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J
Since my past is not good, I feel your wife and I are in the same boat. I might be biased, but I think she is being sincere in trying to improve herself. I think you should appreciate her effort.

P.S.: Shame can be OK if it is a motivator.
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The Middleman
You knew what the right thing to do was in the first place. She humiliated you and you left. Divorce is the course you should have followed, I don't care how remorseful she seems to be.
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X
You got no feedback. Sad. What is the situation now?

Did you learn more about the affair that prevented you regaining respect for your wife?

Do you have sex with her and when it is over feel cheated?

Is her earnstness making inroads with you?
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i left about 8 months ago. it told my wife we were finsished. we are working out the terms for divorce.

she would never admit anything about her affairs. all whe wanted to do was rugsweep. i wasnt looking for dirty details. i had proof of one PA that lasted about a year and i suspected others, but she refused to tlak about it. made for the typical white elephant in the room.

Since my past is not good, I feel your wife and I are in the same boat. I might be biased, but I think she is being sincere in trying to improve herself. I think you should appreciate her effort.

P.S.: Shame can be OK if it is a motivator
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i do believe she was trying to improve herself. but i think that she worked on the things she believed were important to her, not necessarily to the marriage.

shame. mixed feeling on this. if you are moticated by shame, then ultimately its self serving. you dont want to look bad. you dont want to be seen as the person who brought so much trauma to your children and spouse. thats not a good reason to "try".

as a BS, I now cant really see any reason to R. at the time, when your emotions are just over driven, it seemed lke the right thing to do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You knew what the right thing to do was in the first place. She humiliated you and you left. Divorce is the course you should have followed, I don't care how remorseful she seems to be.
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wish i had found TAM when this happened. i also believe my MC steered me in the wrong direction. he seemed to me to be as big of a rug sweeper as her looking back on it now. its just a tough call, i never havd been in this situation before and had no idea what was coming at me.
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J
I still think shame could be a good motivator, if what you work on is intrinsic in nature, not extrinsic. It looks like what she worked on might have been extrinsic in nature only.

I didn't read that she had an affair. That changes things.
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X
i should add a positive to this. if it wasnt for me finding out about the affair, i woudl still be there with a self indulged wife. even though this brought tremendous pain and my children will probably pay the real price, I have found myself again and am happier than i have been for a long time.
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lifeistooshort
You know, THIS is exactly why it's foolish to date separated people; their business isn't finished. My hb was "separated" from his first wife for several years before they divorced. During that time, at least as he tells the story, he dated a number of women and every time his wife would find out she'd call him and guilt trip him into coming back. Of course he made the decision to do it and that's on him. The thing was, she didn't really want him, she just didn't want anyone else to have him. One woman in particular was very aggressive and called his wife, demanding she give him the divorce. Guess what? "You need to come home, we need to try again for our child, blah blah blah", which like a moron he did. Nothing ever changed, they still had the same issues and were miserable, and to my knowledge they didn't even have cheating to deal with. Unfortunately it took them that long to untangle emotionally, and that's where you are now. When I met him they'd been officially divorced for 5 years. You're not in a position to date anyone if you're still even considering getting back with your ex. IMHO.
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