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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was married for 20 years and husband gave me the ILYBINILWY speech about six months ago. He moved out three months ago. For the first few weeks, I cried a lot. Have stopped crying other than maybe once a week something will get to me. I've tried to keep myself busy by going out with friends, doing things for me, etc. The problem is that tonight it really hit me that I think I'm just pretending to be "ok". Inside, I am still really, really sad and I have an overwhelming fear that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I am just really lonely and miss my best friend. He, on the other hand, has totally moved on.
 

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All i can say is im sorry. And believe it or not i have to believe things will get better. Theres a saying. Sometimes we dont get what we want, we get what we need. I have to believe this is true.
 

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hey special...

I don't think you'd be human if you still didn't have 'one of those nights'

They are awful though arent they?

20 years is a long time to get used to being by yourself.
Have you got a network of support?

The fear of being alone hits a lot of people. I'm exactly the same.
But, you know , I just think well...this is my time right now and maybe try and do something that you have always wanted to do.

As twofaces said, you have to believe things will get better. It might not be the 'better' we think it will be...but it'll be a different better.

Huggs special
 

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It will get better, it just takes time. And unfortunately the time line is different for each and every one of us.

You mention feeling like you're just pretending to be ok - hey, a lot of us do the same thing - it's called faking it until you make it.

Just hang in there and keep the focus on you - not him. When thoughts of him pop into your head work on finding something that makes you happy and think of that instead.

I wish you the best of luck.
 

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I wasn't married 20 years, 13 for me, but a lot of us got the same ILUBINILWY speech and are going through the same thing. I've recently made the same comments about not being truly happy now and just making the motions of living and pretending. My wife has moved on and seems to not care. I also fear I will be alone the rest of my life and it is a scary feeling. But I feel I have to learn to be happy with myself. Otherwise if I did get into another relationship I would just be using that person as a crutch for my own happiness. I do need to meet some new friends and have companionship, but I'm trying to look loneliness in the face and tell it I don't need anyone, but myself to be happy.

You will find a lot of people here suffering through the same questions, doubts and fears you have right now and can get a lot of good advice from them. If you find yourself at your wits end or just feeling lonely just come on here and let it all out. We are here for you. We feel your pain and know it all too well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for the responses. I read many stories on here and sympathize with the pain that others are going through, too. It is really, really rough. Being with the same person for 20 years is a long time and I'm proud that after a few failed attempts in the beginning, I am doing the 180. It doesn't seem to have any effect on him though, but I am truly now doing it for me.

I often wonder how he can not miss me or miss us after all of the time we were together. I find myself wanting to talk to him about my day or tell him about a movie I watched, or something that happened with a friend of mine, but I know that I can't do those things any more.

I think the worst part for me is how he has chosen to re-write the history of our marriage. He tells his family and friends how difficult I was, actually "impossible" to live with. He says that he isn't sure that he ever really loved me and that things have been bad in our marriage for a long time. I do not believe that any of these things are true and it hurts that he would try to take away all of the good that we had.

Thanks again for the support.
 

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There is nothing worse then someone rewriting history for their own benefit. Its sours all the great memories you had and makes you question everything. The worse part is you can't argue with them no matter how much you feel like it.
 

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Thanks for the responses. I read many stories on here and sympathize with the pain that others are going through, too. It is really, really rough. Being with the same person for 20 years is a long time and I'm proud that after a few failed attempts in the beginning, I am doing the 180. It doesn't seem to have any effect on him though, but I am truly now doing it for me.

I often wonder how he can not miss me or miss us after all of the time we were together. I find myself wanting to talk to him about my day or tell him about a movie I watched, or something that happened with a friend of mine, but I know that I can't do those things any more.

I think the worst part for me is how he has chosen to re-write the history of our marriage. He tells his family and friends how difficult I was, actually "impossible" to live with. He says that he isn't sure that he ever really loved me and that things have been bad in our marriage for a long time. I do not believe that any of these things are true and it hurts that he would try to take away all of the good that we had.

Thanks again for the support.
He's saying he isn't sure he ever loved you in order to justify what he's done. It's an easier pill to swallow than 'I couldn't be bothered to work on our problems'

You'd be a robot if you didn't have dark moments - I got over things quite quickly but still had the occasional wobble. 8 months later and I'd be quite happy if I never saw him or spoke to him again :)
 

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I think the worst part for me is how he has chosen to re-write the history of our marriage. He tells his family and friends how difficult I was, actually "impossible" to live with. He says that he isn't sure that he ever really loved me and that things have been bad in our marriage for a long time. I do not believe that any of these things are true and it hurts that he would try to take away all of the good that we had.

Thanks again for the support.
The rewriting of history happens with a lot of them... they need to justify to themselves why its ok just leave. Like the others said it will get better in time.
 

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Special Place - I got "unbearable" to live with the last two years, wasn't sure she ever really loved me, and the last time we were happy was 2004 (even though our kids were born in 2007). It's a re-write as I've seen is the common theme around here.

This is a rollercoaster of emotions so don't be hard on yourself.
 

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SP .. I feel your pain. Stay on TAM, support yourself with friends and family. Talk their ear off if you have to. Write letters to your husband but don't send them. Talk to God even if you're not a believer. Trust the universe. Get mad, get angry .. let it out.
 

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You are on way forward, and that will take you to a whole new place in your life. The leaver usually does appear to go on with a new life and enjoying their choices, while the leavee has so much more to deal with (emotions, changes, finances, plans, etc) But I promise you, it will get to a place wear you are not only fine, but you are enjoying your aloneness. You almost want to contact them to say thank you for leaving...but dont waste your time, because they will never give you the response you want. Just make yourself happy and content and keep on doing you.
 
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