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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm sitting here getting wine-drunk dreading tomorrow.
I have to tell my husband I don't love him anymore.
We got married pretty quickly, like a few months into knowing each other. I know, I'm stupid.
He was a stand-up guy when we got together. Optimistic, had huge goals he was working on, had his **** together (seemingly), wanted everything I wanted. It all ended up being an elaborate act. I completely blame myself for not dating for a while and waiting to see the mess he ended up becoming after saying the "I do"'s.
Our first year of marriage was absolute hell, and by our second year I was just over-it. We're coming up to our second anniversary (June) and I have written him a letter saying I need to be separate from him. I won't go into detail as to why, but I have a lengthy list written out; my reason as to why I've lost all interest.
He's been trying to improve as a person, and I respect him for that. He knows he messed up, but not everything can be fixed. I can't rekindle a flame that was sprayed repeatedly since day 1.
There is no passion here. It is dead. It feels like I've just been dating for the last year and 3/4, and my foot has been out the door for most of it.

I came here to rant, because I feel alone. I posted here once before on another account, and several people screamed at me to leave him. Well, I'm doing it. And in a couple months I will get to see my family and my friends, and I cannot wait. I've even been crushing on my ex, but he doesn't know. I would never cheat. But I can't wait to see him again. I need passion back in my life. I haven't been touched properly in years and it's so frickin' depressing. I feel so much guilt for lusting after my ex while I'm still in this marriage, but, can't be helped. My ex was nothing BUT passion, we just dated at a time where it didn't work. I don't even care if he's interested, I just want to see him again.

Feel free to call me names or tell me I'm terrible, I already know, lol. I just need some people to talk to!
 

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My advice — first of all, lay off the wine. It’s not going to help with anything except to give you a big fat hangover tomorrow.

Secondly, quit thinking/fantasizing about your ex right now. Focus on the task at hand, which is to be totally honest with your husband and tell him the marriage is over and you want a divorce.

Third, act swiftly. Deliver your message, communicate clearly, and don’t let it devolve into an argument. Don’t let him manipulate you into “trying again”. You’ve BTDT, it didn’t work. You don’t love him and you’re certainly not in love with him, so put an end to this misery and move on. You don’t want to be back here a year from now telling us the same story.

It sounds like your mind is made up. By the way, I think you’re wise to get out of this now instead of dragging it out for decades and with future kids in the picture.
 

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Since you give no details, why should anyone assume he's more at fault than you? First off you are drinking. Secondly you openly state you are fantasizing about your ex and it sounds like you intend to see him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
My advice — first of all, lay off the wine. It’s not going to help with anything except to give you a big fat hangover tomorrow.

Secondly, quit thinking/fantasizing about your ex right now. Focus on the task at hand, which is to be totally honest with your husband and tell him the marriage is over and you want a divorce.

Third, act swiftly. Deliver your message, communicate clearly, and don’t let it devolve into an argument. Don’t let him manipulate you into “trying again”. You’ve BTDT, it didn’t work. You don’t love him and you’re certainly not in love with him, so put an end to this misery and move on. You don’t want to be back here a year from now telling us the same story.

It sounds like your mind is made up. By the way, I think you’re wise to get out of this now instead of dragging it out for decades and with future kids in the picture.
- I've never had a hangover in my life, and I've drank myself into stupors before. Not sure why you'd be worried about that, lol.

- I cannot help where my thoughts/dreams go. Again, I would never act on something like that. Was just something eating at me that I had to get off my chest. Definitely focused on the present.

- Yes, I plan to, and I know not to give several chances. Can't help how I feel and I'm not going to torture us both by trying to drag anything on, especially with the recent thoughts I've been having. It's not fair to him.

Thanks I guess, I wasn't really looking for advice though. :|
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Since you give no details, why should anyone assume he's more at fault than you? First off you are drinking. Secondly you openly state you are fantasizing about your ex and it sounds like you intend to see him.
You came here to say something about me drinking wine lol? You okay? If drinking is a problem for you then you wouldn't like either me or my husband.

I'm not typing out details because so much of it is embarrassing for him. Doesn't really matter to me if some strangers think I'm at fault after trying my hardest for this long. Just came here for some listening ears, not parent-like lecturing on a glass of wine. -_-

I don't intend to see him. I said in the post that nobody has any idea about that, especially not him. My priority is to get this whole ordeal over with first.
I think I mainly brought that up because, it got bad enough here that that's where my mind went to, and I don't find that fair to my husband at all, hence why I ultimately came to this decision. I've been in relationships where people have cheated on me and didn't bother telling me they were even thinking of someone else, so I don't want to do that to anybody, ever.
 

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You hear these kinds of stories now and then where one or the other partner paints a false picture of themselves, whatever the other person wants to hear.

It happened to me. It's hard to believe there are people this evil. Because it really is evil. I really hate beyond words any movie that has this script in it: that the guy needed to lie to you because if he told the truth, you wouldn't fall in love with him.

So after you find out, the movie implies we're supposed to forgive him because after all: he loved you and did what he had to do in order to win you over. What a crock of ****.

The truth is that these kinds of people are predators. They know how to spot people like you: naive, trusting, and gullible. I am one of them. We go around with that happy-go-lucky smile on our faces. We give of ourselves. We give everyone the benefit of the doubt. When a story doesn't quite add up, we are willing to accept the B.S. excuse that they drum up.

So the thing to learn about yourself is your weakness that he exploited. You will look back and remember that there were red flags you ignored. Stories that were a little too complicated; inconsistencies that needed to be explained; things that were concealed.

When a street con man pulls a stunt that costs you some dough, you can blame him. But in the long run it is better to blame ourselves for falling prey to the con, and learning how to never fall for it again.

You have internal radar, and you need to learn how to amplify it instead of suppress it with cheerful optimism. The gut instinct. If something feels not quite right - then it isn't. Home in on it and you'll find it will not fail you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You hear these kinds of stories now and then where one or the other partner paints a false picture of themselves, whatever the other person wants to hear.

It happened to me. It's hard to believe there are people this evil. Because it really is evil. I really hate beyond words any movie that has this script in it: that the guy needed to lie to you because if he told the truth, you wouldn't fall in love with him.

So after you find out, the movie implies we're supposed to forgive him because after all: he loved you and did what he had to do in order to win you over. What a crock of ****.

The truth is that these kinds of people are predators. They know how to spot people like you: naive, trusting, and gullible. I am one of them. We go around with that happy-go-lucky smile on our faces. We give of ourselves. We give everyone the benefit of the doubt. When a story doesn't quite add up, we are willing to accept the B.S. excuse that they drum up.

So the thing to learn about yourself is your weakness that he exploited. You will look back and remember that there were red flags you ignored. Stories that were a little too complicated; inconsistencies that needed to be explained; things that were concealed.

When a street con man pulls a stunt that costs you some dough, you can blame him. But in the long run it is better to blame ourselves for falling prey to the con, and learning how to never fall for it again.

You have internal radar, and you need to learn how to amplify it instead of suppress it with cheerful optimism. The gut instinct. If something feels not quite right - then it isn't. Home in on it and you'll find it will not fail you.
Thank you. You're totally right, here. There definitely were red flags in the beginning, but I thought, hey everyone is messed up in some way or another, we can work through it.
Lesson learned. Good think I don't really consider marriage a serious thing or this would be so much harder. It's really just a relationship the government recognizes. : / Feels no different than any other relationship I've had.
 

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You came here to say something about me drinking wine lol? You okay? If drinking is a problem for you then you wouldn't like either me or my husband.
Drinking is not the problem in and of itself. However you made a point to tell us you were getting drunk presumably to to numb some emotional distress. That tends to be a bad habit and it also means we are more likely getting the story from the perspective of someone who isn't thinking 100% clearly.

I'm not typing out details because so much of it is embarrassing for him.
Nobody knows you or him so I don't see how it's embarrassing for either of you.

Doesn't really matter to me if some strangers think I'm at fault after trying my hardest for this long. Just came here for some listening ears, not parent-like lecturing on a glass of wine. -_-
In a forum you can expect people to respond and not just listen. It's the nature of the beast. In addition you tend to get advice. If you don't want a response perhaps a sympathetic friend would be better. And in any case how would we know if you are "at fault" or not since you haven't given any details.

I don't intend to see him. I said in the post that nobody has any idea about that, especially not him. My priority is to get this whole ordeal over with first.
I think I mainly brought that up because, it got bad enough here that that's where my mind went to, and I don't find that fair to my husband at all, hence why I ultimately came to this decision. I've been in relationships where people have cheated on me and didn't bother telling me they were even thinking of someone else, so I don't want to do that to anybody, ever.
However you did bring it up, so from my perspective I simply have the facts that you don't love your husband and you are thinking about your ex (" I just want to see him again"). This is the only basis I have to understand the situation.
 

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- I've never had a hangover in my life, and I've drank myself into stupors before. Not sure why you'd be worried about that, lol.

- I cannot help where my thoughts/dreams go. Again, I would never act on something like that. Was just something eating at me that I had to get off my chest. Definitely focused on the present.

- Yes, I plan to, and I know not to give several chances. Can't help how I feel and I'm not going to torture us both by trying to drag anything on, especially with the recent thoughts I've been having. It's not fair to him.

Thanks I guess, I wasn't really looking for advice though. :|
Of course you can help where your thoughts and dreams go. You get rid of them from you mind and think about other things. We can control what our thoughts are and what we do with them.

You made promises to your husband only 2 years ago, surely its worth having some marriage counselling? So many like you give up so easily when you promised for better and for worse.

There was a reason why you broke up with your ex, don't even go there.

Being faithful in you mind and body and being married, isn't about feelings its about decisions. You can keep the promises you made and put your efforts into your marriage, making the decision to make it work, or you can run away back to your ex. If you carry on like this you will end up having many divorces.
 

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Thank you. You're totally right, here. There definitely were red flags in the beginning, but I thought, hey everyone is messed up in some way or another, we can work through it.
Lesson learned. Good think I don't really consider marriage a serious thing or this would be so much harder. It's really just a relationship the government recognizes. : / Feels no different than any other relationship I've had.
Marriage is a very important thing, far more than the govt recognising it. You made serious promises and after less than 2 years you are going back on them. Where is you staying power? If you think so little of marriage then please dont ever get married again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Marriage is a very important thing, far more than the govt recognising it. You made serious promises and after less than 2 years you are going back on them. Where is you staying power? If you think so little of marriage then please dont ever get married again.
Duh! xD

This is baloney, this makes it sound like you encourage people who have been abused to stay with their abusers. We only have 1 life, why would you want to spend it like that? Yuck.
 

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I don't think you're terrible!! Often times, when people judge others, it's simply a reflection of their own wounds. So I wouldn't take those judgments too seriously. This is YOUR life. You have to deal with the consequences of every action you make, not anyone else...especially not strangers.

Good for you for making a decision and choosing happiness and passion! You're a lot stronger than I am. I'm currently trying to leave my husband and keep going back to "Please change" like a pathetic puppy. At least you have courage!!! I admire you.

Anyone who says they wouldn't seek attention from another when they aren't getting it in their marriage is probably lying. We seek what we lack...perhaps that makes us incredibly flawed and prone to chronic dissatisfaction, but it's what makes us human!

So have you told him you want to separate yet?
 

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Is the only wrong you committed that you didn't date long enough?

A marriage takes a lot of effort from 2 people. You mentioned your husband is trying to better himself. Are you trying to do the same? I have no idea what either of your personalities are like, but there is almost always room for improvement to ones self. You sound miserable. Are you sure he's the only source of that?

I'm not trying to place blame here. Just trying to look at the other side of the coin.
 

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As long as you file for divorce fair and square, I also don't care whether you are pining for your ex or not.

As long as your H is served with papers and is duly informed that you are officially dissolving the marriage, then you can do what you want on your time and your dime whether it's some old X, a coworker, some dude at the bar or whatever.

Just don't be naive and assume that your ex is also pining for you and is laying awake at night waiting for you to show up on his doorstep.

Due to your chronic dissatisfaction, you may have your relationship with your ex blown way out of proportion.

While you may be having visions of sugar plums dancing in your head, he may or may not have any interest or intention of rekindling anything with you. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.

Maybe he is open to trying again. Maybe he just wants a quick hook up. Maybe he has no interest or any intentions at all.

Whether you get with him at some point or not is up to each of you. But my reccomendation is realize it is not a sure thing and focus on getting through the divorce as well as possible first.
 

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Duh! xD

This is baloney, this makes it sound like you encourage people who have been abused to stay with their abusers. We only have 1 life, why would you want to spend it like that? Yuck.
No if someone is being genuinely abused I dont advise any such thing. However in many divorces that isnt the case. Its just not trying hard enough and not keeping promises made. Giving up far too easily and running away.
 

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I don't think you're terrible!! Often times, when people judge others, it's simply a reflection of their own wounds. So I wouldn't take those judgments too seriously. This is YOUR life. You have to deal with the consequences of every action you make, not anyone else...especially not strangers.

Good for you for making a decision and choosing happiness and passion! You're a lot stronger than I am. I'm currently trying to leave my husband and keep going back to "Please change" like a pathetic puppy. At least you have courage!!! I admire you.

Anyone who says they wouldn't seek attention from another when they aren't getting it in their marriage is probably lying. We seek what we lack...perhaps that makes us incredibly flawed and prone to chronic dissatisfaction, but it's what makes us human!

So have you told him you want to separate yet?
No they arent lying, they believe in faithfulness and working on the marriage.
 

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This is one thread where I'd really like to hear the other side of the story. Seemingly decent guy, who's got it together gets mixed up with some chick and it all falls apart…..but it's all his fault? Okaaaaaay

My advice….divorce quickly, without any wine soaked drama, and let him get on with life.
 
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