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10 Posts
Need input...should I stay in the same house or file for divorce? Been married 24 years...dated 4 years prior to wedding...marriage counseling twice, 4 kids...22,17,15,14. These are the stats. My husband is not a bad person...I am not a bad person...we don't have addiction issues, infidelity issues, etc. He has started meds for depression and I am so happy that he is feeling and seeing positive results (we are seeing it too).
We are 2 people that did not put their marriage 1st. He put his job and hunting/fishing/snowmobiling 1st, I put our kids, extended family, and job before him. He is very disengaged at home. He goes to almost all games/concerts/performances for the kids. He has never missed their yearly pictures at the studio. He could not tell you what the kids like to eat or what happened at school that day. He has little clue about anything in my life. I give him reports as to what schedules are and hand him report cards so he can see them (he has no idea when they come home). I ask what his opinion is on things like the new confirmation program etc, but he has no opinion on any of it...never really has. He works a job he hates as it is important to him to be a good $$ provider.
I work full time...had 2 jobs until 11 years ago when I went down to one as was hired at a higher wage. I work very hard at being a good mom with great moments...same ethic I have being a manager and it most things I do...tried this with marriage, but didn't get much in return, so eventually I stopped. My relaxation time is watching a movie with my kids and I actually have started to do some social media, a few lunch dates with friends, and once in a while some reading over the past 2 years. I also am back in school to get my BS as of this fall...I have an AS.
Housework/laundry/scheduling/bill paying/child rearing etc falls on my plate. I sleep an average of 4 hours a night and I am running out of steam...getting too old for this at 44 I guess. The kids help with a lot of the cleaning, cooking, laundry around their schedules, but there is a lot of reminding that needs to be done.
I have been telling/explaining/begging to husb that I am unhappy, really unhappy w/marriage. I want and dream about being that couple in their 80's that ooze being in love and years of life together. Not going to happen. I have no love for him as a husband...not much like either. I haven't worn my wedding ring for over a year (as a statement of my independence, not being single)...marriage really started crashing for me about 2 1/2 years ago and hasn't stopped the descent. I do care for him as a person and as the father of my kids. I also have strong attachments, obviously, from all of the years of our lives together.
Why am I not filing for divorce???at one point, our kids...until a heart to heart they had with me the weekend that we were left with no working vehicle and he drove the working vehicle to hang out at the hunting shack. I also care for my mom (she is 89 and in poor health), I had errands to do for her and ended up walking (that was actually good for me but...) and the extra time that took meant other things didn't get done that needed to be done. Great thing that happened was my 3 kids still at home walked with me and that is when the heart to heart happened. I tried to be nonchalant about the vehicle situation as I don't think the kids need to hear my complain about their dad. I thought we had done a good job of "protecting" them from the struggles of our marriage...guess what...failed!! They explained to me that they were OK...even supportive of us splitting and their concern was that we all make sure dad was situated and ok when he moved out. This is odd as we haven't fought in front of them for years.
Why am I not filing for divorce now...finances...supporting 2 households will be more expensive...extended family...I was 15 when we started dating, I have grown up in that family, I want to be a part of their lives...won't be if we get divorced.
Husb doesn't want divorce...says still loves me. Still wants to be "friendly" etc. I don't...I want platonic!
Is it realistic to think we can continue to live together as friends/parents to our kids so they have access to both parents at one home, so I can keep the connections with half my family and continue to afford for the kids to be in dance and voice?
Ideas on how I can make this work? Should I continue to try?
We are 2 people that did not put their marriage 1st. He put his job and hunting/fishing/snowmobiling 1st, I put our kids, extended family, and job before him. He is very disengaged at home. He goes to almost all games/concerts/performances for the kids. He has never missed their yearly pictures at the studio. He could not tell you what the kids like to eat or what happened at school that day. He has little clue about anything in my life. I give him reports as to what schedules are and hand him report cards so he can see them (he has no idea when they come home). I ask what his opinion is on things like the new confirmation program etc, but he has no opinion on any of it...never really has. He works a job he hates as it is important to him to be a good $$ provider.
I work full time...had 2 jobs until 11 years ago when I went down to one as was hired at a higher wage. I work very hard at being a good mom with great moments...same ethic I have being a manager and it most things I do...tried this with marriage, but didn't get much in return, so eventually I stopped. My relaxation time is watching a movie with my kids and I actually have started to do some social media, a few lunch dates with friends, and once in a while some reading over the past 2 years. I also am back in school to get my BS as of this fall...I have an AS.
Housework/laundry/scheduling/bill paying/child rearing etc falls on my plate. I sleep an average of 4 hours a night and I am running out of steam...getting too old for this at 44 I guess. The kids help with a lot of the cleaning, cooking, laundry around their schedules, but there is a lot of reminding that needs to be done.
I have been telling/explaining/begging to husb that I am unhappy, really unhappy w/marriage. I want and dream about being that couple in their 80's that ooze being in love and years of life together. Not going to happen. I have no love for him as a husband...not much like either. I haven't worn my wedding ring for over a year (as a statement of my independence, not being single)...marriage really started crashing for me about 2 1/2 years ago and hasn't stopped the descent. I do care for him as a person and as the father of my kids. I also have strong attachments, obviously, from all of the years of our lives together.
Why am I not filing for divorce???at one point, our kids...until a heart to heart they had with me the weekend that we were left with no working vehicle and he drove the working vehicle to hang out at the hunting shack. I also care for my mom (she is 89 and in poor health), I had errands to do for her and ended up walking (that was actually good for me but...) and the extra time that took meant other things didn't get done that needed to be done. Great thing that happened was my 3 kids still at home walked with me and that is when the heart to heart happened. I tried to be nonchalant about the vehicle situation as I don't think the kids need to hear my complain about their dad. I thought we had done a good job of "protecting" them from the struggles of our marriage...guess what...failed!! They explained to me that they were OK...even supportive of us splitting and their concern was that we all make sure dad was situated and ok when he moved out. This is odd as we haven't fought in front of them for years.
Why am I not filing for divorce now...finances...supporting 2 households will be more expensive...extended family...I was 15 when we started dating, I have grown up in that family, I want to be a part of their lives...won't be if we get divorced.
Husb doesn't want divorce...says still loves me. Still wants to be "friendly" etc. I don't...I want platonic!
Is it realistic to think we can continue to live together as friends/parents to our kids so they have access to both parents at one home, so I can keep the connections with half my family and continue to afford for the kids to be in dance and voice?
Ideas on how I can make this work? Should I continue to try?