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Hello all and thanks for reading. I really need some advice!! I have been with my fiance for 4 1/2 years. We have been engaged for 2 years. We were planning on getting married in June 2013. Last Sunday (a week ago) we had an argument regarding finances. We both completely over reacted and based on this argument he has decided he does not want to get married.
We have spent the last week talking and talking and talking about what we are going to do. We love each other very much and want to spend our lives together. He says he is terrified of getting married. He has gone through a divorce and has a 12 year old.
I have always thought that I wanted to get married but never really thought beyond that. I just thought that's what you do when you grow up. I am considering having a ceremony to get "married" but not actually going to the court house and putting it into a legal contract. Make sense? :scratchhead:
When I think about what is important to me in a marriage I think commitment, trust, growing old together and never leaving. This is all possible without the government recognizing our "marriage".
So I need advice. Part of me thinks I am simply accepting this option so that I can be with him. Part of me is terrified that 10n years from now ill be asking myself WHAT WAS I THINKING?! :confused:
I found a site about alternatives to marriage that makes me more comfortable with the decision.
All I want is to be happy, make money and travel the world! Do I have to have a marriage certificate to do that?! I also believe my family would be quit disappointed in this decision.
Thoughts??? :banghead:
Thank you in advance!!
 

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I have a few thoughts. You and your partner seem to be on different pages financially and maybe emotionally on the marriage topic. If you're not extremely compatible, marriage won't solve that problem.

You may find this article helpful in deciding whether marriage is a good idea for the two of you: The Five Pillars of Compatibility
 

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Soko, a marriage isn't just a piece of paper. Its a commitment to yourself and each other to work at your relationship. Instead of giving you advise on your particular situation, I would suggest you read this book. "His Needs, Her Needs". See for yourself what a marriage looks like and the tools to make one work. You don't have to give up your dreams for a marriage, they should be part of it. Good Luck
 

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You're fiancé has good reason to be afraid of marriage.

50% of marriages end in divorce
75% of divorces are initiated by women
Men almost always lose custody of their children
Men pay 98% of all alimony and child support payments
If men are unable to pay alimony/CS they are put in jail

Women, having freed themselves from traditional gender roles also freed men from being responsible for women. Under the "no-fault" divorce system, either partner can leave the other for no reason whatsoever. However, the courts almost always side with women when it comes to child custody and spousal support cases. The result is that divorce is incentivized for women and men have strong incentive to avoid marriage if they care about their financial future.

In a world where the gender pay gap is a myth (YouTube: Warren Farrel - Wage Gap Myth), and women have all the same opportunities as men if they make the same career choices, there's no reason to invite state law into your relationship. It can only bring heartache.
 

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My spouse and I are in.. what my family calls a common law marriage. We have two children together and one due to be born this june, we have been together for almost five years and have not had a wedding ceremony nor have we had a legal marriage certificate. We have had our ups and downs but regardless of that we have remained together and we plan on having a legal certificate and ceremony later on when we can/are able to but it's really not that important at the current time. To me.. it was once but there are more important things in life then obtaining "a piece of paper" to prove the relationship is solid. If both of you can make it through this disagreement as well as others... it shouldn't be that important when/if you get married legally imo....
 

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if you're arguing about money... i'm afraid that's a subject that wont go away. a lot of people spend their money the way their partents spent money.

my mom never looked at a bill.. just saw what was owed and paid it. that's how i pay bills. my husband inspects every single thing a million times, and he thinks about every penny. that just stresses me out.

the compromise is that i pay more attention to what i spend money on, and he doesnt lose his mind over small things.

its hard to give advice on something so general. there's no details on if you guys are arguing on buying a home or grocery shopping.

maybe more info would help .

i work at a bank, so i see lots of accts daily. all i can say is LOTS of couples have seperate bank accts, but at the same bank so transferring is easy. lots of husbands pay their wives credit card bills and lots of husbands deposit into their wives accts. but its rarely the other way around. lots of husbands give up their financial independece because their wives wont let them have the debit card. there's lots of options...

my hubs and i do the joint thing and its been pretty ok. rarely any problems cuz we're on the same page, but it took a while to get there. my mom had a joint with her xhubs and her retirement was personal. but one reason they divorced is my dad had lots of debt and wanted her to pay for it from her retirement.

i'd say yall should talk about different options...

i wouldnt let it ruin the marriage plans. even a long term relationship without marriage is gonna have financial issues. that's just part of being together. doing stuff costs money. eating, movies, travel, rent.. there's no way around it.
 

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even a long term relationship without marriage is gonna have financial issues. that's just part of being together. doing stuff costs money. eating, movies, travel, rent.. there's no way around it.
Sooo very true!!
 
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