someone please reply.. I feel so lonely
To Hope for the Best And Prepare for the Worst
I am a 29 year old Indian guy who had a cross cultural love marriage. My wife is 27 and we have been married for an year. Our courtship period was around 2 years while the rest was long distance. From last six months we have been able to stay together due to my transfer of job in the same city as her.
During our courtship everything was awesome. We used to get intimate whenever and where-ever possible (3 years back). Once, I started living with her (this year) after marriage I found out she is not at all responsive. Even she is not comfortable with me hugging her or kissing. We have not had sex a single time after marriage. In the beginning, she gave me an excuse that she has a very tough job and she is tired and all crap. I gave it sometime. Later things didn’t improve. One fine day, after coaxing her she told that she is “not able to connect/ relate with me mentally”. I fell from the sky. I told her I am accepting you the way you are. Then she told stuff like you stay like a bachelor, and there are no good qualities in me other me being a good human being. I had even started suspecting her fidelity with a office colleague. She denies it all the time. I am torn from inside. How can I person change so much was my initial thought. What if she is depressed or having some psychosomatic disorder. I proposed we go to a psychiatrist. She said she is absolutely perfect and I was sick. Then I told her about marriage counseling. She wasn’t really keen on it but told it was better than visiting a shrink. We have had 4 sessions so far, the last one being the first joint session. The problem is I love her very much and I emotionally needy whereas she is not. I told her in-numerous times how much I would like to be hugged or be texted at work. But, alas its always been one way. I am told by my counsellor, I want to make it work/re-kindle the spark I have to do whats my conscience tells me/ whats right to do without expecting anything back from her in return. Thats seems to be the hardest part. When I start working upon it, I seem to have faith but soon it get negated by her response. The counselor has also told us to spend 20 minutes daily to talk to each other (without any distractions). So far since our appointment since Sunday, it hasn’t taken place because my wife pointed out she was too busy.
I still hope its not the end. The reason I want to still try is because I don’t want to feel guilty later that I didn’t not try. I want to have an approach like “Hope for the best, expect for the worst”. But, counselor says, you have to have 100 % faith. Its just that I don’t want to get hurt again and again and again.
Please advice…..
During our courtship everything was awesome. We used to get intimate whenever and where-ever possible (3 years back). Once, I started living with her (this year) after marriage I found out she is not at all responsive. Even she is not comfortable with me hugging her or kissing. We have not had sex a single time after marriage. In the beginning, she gave me an excuse that she has a very tough job and she is tired and all crap. I gave it sometime. Later things didn’t improve. One fine day, after coaxing her she told that she is “not able to connect/ relate with me mentally”. I fell from the sky. I told her I am accepting you the way you are. Then she told stuff like you stay like a bachelor, and there are no good qualities in me other me being a good human being. I had even started suspecting her fidelity with a office colleague. She denies it all the time. I am torn from inside. How can I person change so much was my initial thought. What if she is depressed or having some psychosomatic disorder. I proposed we go to a psychiatrist. She said she is absolutely perfect and I was sick. Then I told her about marriage counseling. She wasn’t really keen on it but told it was better than visiting a shrink. We have had 4 sessions so far, the last one being the first joint session. The problem is I love her very much and I emotionally needy whereas she is not. I told her in-numerous times how much I would like to be hugged or be texted at work. But, alas its always been one way. I am told by my counsellor, I want to make it work/re-kindle the spark I have to do whats my conscience tells me/ whats right to do without expecting anything back from her in return. Thats seems to be the hardest part. When I start working upon it, I seem to have faith but soon it get negated by her response. The counselor has also told us to spend 20 minutes daily to talk to each other (without any distractions). So far since our appointment since Sunday, it hasn’t taken place because my wife pointed out she was too busy.
I still hope its not the end. The reason I want to still try is because I don’t want to feel guilty later that I didn’t not try. I want to have an approach like “Hope for the best, expect for the worst”. But, counselor says, you have to have 100 % faith. Its just that I don’t want to get hurt again and again and again.
Please advice…..
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She is probably used to the long distance relationship and not prepared for the everyday stuff. Thats not really an excuse though. I wonder if she is cheating with someone or maybe with all the distance she doesnt feel "connected to you", in which case she shouldnt have married you!
Have you thought about what is different now versus when you were just dating?
I think there is a long list of issue to work through here that don't have much to do with sex directly, such as you wondering if she's sheating on you, her saying you are being a bachelor still, etc. I think those need to be resolved. That said, what is different between you and her now compared to you and her from a few years ago? Perhaps she found she had to work for you back when it was a long distance thing and now she doesn't? Have you slacked off on anything you did back then?
if you have any old letters, e-mails, etc. between you two from back then, read them over. See if YOU are doing anything different. You can only change you, so work on your side for now. But you'll need eventually to hold her accountable on her side as well. If she's not pulling her weight, be ready to eventually end things.
Good luck itsnotoveryet, I'm pulling for you.
I think there is a long list of issue to work through here that don't have much to do with sex directly, such as you wondering if she's sheating on you, her saying you are being a bachelor still, etc. I think those need to be resolved. That said, what is different between you and her now compared to you and her from a few years ago? Perhaps she found she had to work for you back when it was a long distance thing and now she doesn't? Have you slacked off on anything you did back then?
if you have any old letters, e-mails, etc. between you two from back then, read them over. See if YOU are doing anything different. You can only change you, so work on your side for now. But you'll need eventually to hold her accountable on her side as well. If she's not pulling her weight, be ready to eventually end things.
Good luck itsnotoveryet, I'm pulling for you.
Was she sexually abused as a child?
Seems like every thread that starts this way ends that way.
Seems like every thread that starts this way ends that way.
Everything was different back then. She seems over-practical now. She admitted she has changed (for better according to her regarding maturity and stuff). I am introspected quite a lot and I frankly don't see much change in me. I am still the sensitive person. I don't even know if she was ever sexually abused as a child. She didn't tell anything about it when we were dating.
Any more opinion friends ?
In my opinion, talk to her. But tak to her in a non-confrontational way. Tell her you'd like to have a talk all about your sex life, or lack there of.
I'd lead off with the question "Do you ever want to have sex with me?"
If you get a no, you likely should consider strongly ending the marriage and getting an annulment if you can. If your spouse has zero interest in sex with you this recently after marriage, there's a lot of underlying issues with that.
Write down everything else you want to ask about or talk about and bring it up. Your spouse should be willing to talk with you about ANYTHING, so if she isn't interested in this talk, or mocks you, puts you down or appears bored, annoyed, etc. with talk, that should be another sign that this marriage isn't a good idea.
Your needs are your needs and a good spouse should be willing to at the very least have an open and honest discussion of your needs. If she isn't, then that's a good sign she's just not into you. Be ready to face that possible reality.
I'd lead off with the question "Do you ever want to have sex with me?"
If you get a no, you likely should consider strongly ending the marriage and getting an annulment if you can. If your spouse has zero interest in sex with you this recently after marriage, there's a lot of underlying issues with that.
Write down everything else you want to ask about or talk about and bring it up. Your spouse should be willing to talk with you about ANYTHING, so if she isn't interested in this talk, or mocks you, puts you down or appears bored, annoyed, etc. with talk, that should be another sign that this marriage isn't a good idea.
Your needs are your needs and a good spouse should be willing to at the very least have an open and honest discussion of your needs. If she isn't, then that's a good sign she's just not into you. Be ready to face that possible reality.
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