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I see a lot of talk on this forum about exposing the affair. It seems to be the general consensus that this is a good idea. I must admit the idea does seem to have merit. Main reasons being:

  1. Affairs need secrecy
  2. You can get people in your "corner"
  3. Puts pressure on the wayward

Yet, I still fall on the other side of the exposure fence, so to speak. Meaning, I think the potential for this to backfire is to great a risk...initially. Depending on the layers of lies the wayward has told others about the victim, you could find yourself playing right into their hands. Like I did.

To state my position more accurately: Patients is key. I wouldn't play this hand until you found out the nature of the game your playing.


I would like to hear any of your thoughts on this subject...how did it work or not work for you...any regrets?


Thanks
 

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exercising patience can be good. It depends however on the reason why you would want to wait. If you prefer not to expose the affair to the OM's wife it is probably out of fear of losing your wife now unless your safety is at stake. Otherwise it I would say it is better to expose it. You can't fear loss of something you have already lost remember that.
 

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Exposure ends the secrecy of the affair and brings it to light, as secrecy is one of the main ingredients of the affair. However, I feel exposure is like a surgical tool to be used in the following instances:

  • Exposure of the A to the OMW/OWH (or SO if they have one) is a must. It kills the secrecy of the A and might (not in all instances) give you another pair of eyes on the A. The other BS may be able to give you information that you don't have and you might be able to share information with them. Either way, it's the RIGHT thing to do. The other BS has a right to know what kind of person they are married to and so they can also make an informed decision about their relationship (whether to break up, D, or R). Sometimes the other BS may also be in denial.
  • Exposure of the A to the work place if this is a work place A: It all depends on how deep in the fog of the affair your WS. In some cases, the WS continues the A and refuses NC or breaks NC, then exposure becomes imperative to kill the A.
  • Exposure of the A to both families: Like exposing the A at work, it will depend on how deeply in the affair fog the WS is. This is done as an absolutely last resort, as it makes R very difficult if you do decide to R. Your family may not be so quick to forgive your WS as you are, and it may be difficult for your WS to deal with the shame of their family knowing.
  • Exposure to friends: Again, it will depend on how remorseful and/or deep in the affair your WS is. Like above, it will depend on if the A is still ongoing, refusal of NC, or breaking NC.
  • In most instances, the APs are deathly afraid of being exposed.
  • When exposing, the BS should NEVER warn or threaten either Affiar Partner (AP), that they will expose the affair to the OMW/OWH. This gives the OM/OW time to possibly get their stories straight with your BS, and "spin" the story to their own BS. The OM/OW will paint you to their BS, as crazy, violent, etc, and not to accept any communication from you.

In my situation, in my first marriage, the OM was single and their was no one to expose to. In this marriage, OM is a contract worker from the Philippines, and his wife isn't even online. As much as I've tried to locate her, it's difficult with her being in another country and not being online. I've exposed her EA to my family and hers. Fortunately for her, my family is communicating normally, naturally I don't know what they say behind closed doors. Her family is embarassed, and her mother told me to chew out the OM. Her mother was pretty embarassed that her daughter was capable of this. Her brother, who would normally call her a minimum of every other day, would not talk to her for a very long time (7 months is a long time for them), and only recently (3 months ago) started talking to her again (he's a deacon in his church). And she doesn't hold any of this against me (that I know of) because she's shown true remorse.
 

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I tend to think exposure to the OM's or OW's family ,SO. friends and coworkers should be all encompassing and done at the same time . This has maximum effect and though some will argue that it then forces the OM / OW 's hand , allows them to separate freeing them to persue the wayward what is also does is isolate them . Often a wayward would go underground and continue the affair even if there is no exposure on the OM / OW side. Instances where I have seen a negative effect of exposure is when it is dripped fed or it is exposed witha poor choice of words.

Exposure tactics should be adapted to the circumstance , exposure should occur within the family to parents and siblings if the BS has certainty the family will support them , children who understand what is happening should be told the truth and the OM / OW identified by name and picture.

The choice of exposure words is what changes the perception of exposure from vengeance to one of saving the marriage, those same words are what protect the BS legally, hence my choice of templates from the MB and affairecare sites, from what I have seen exposure have not caused legal issues for the BS.

I have heard many waywards say they would have reconciled if they were not exposed , how does anyone know that ? You don't and can't believe it , if they are truly remorseful then they will see the exposure as the BS fighting for the marriage. There are equally as many former waywards who state that exposure was the most effective way of stopping or slowly killing their affair.

The only difference I have noticed is exposure seems to have more impact if the wayward is a woman, the BS purposefully works to diasassemble the OM's protected life and adapts their behaviour at home. I have seen that many betrayed wives do not always want run with the whole programme , exposure , plan B or 180 etc. the emotional pain they go through is extended, most do eventually adapt and in the cases I have worked on on another site the majority have marriages that have recovered.

It's the package of actions that give the greatest chance of recovery , keeping the affair a secret is a disaster waiting to happen , there're no consequences for the wayward , the lie is protected giving the wayward an opportunity to cheat again and gaslight the BS.

The pro affair sites are full of waywards who are happy their spouse never exposed , they are actively encourage to take the affair underground and given advise on how to bide time to either restart the affair or start a new one.


Exposure alone is not going to stop the affair , it is one of the tools to be used in fighting for a marriage.
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If you expose a wayward, you might lose them, but if you do/say nothing, you're gonna lose them anyway.

2 chances to lose your M and 1 to save it.

So yes, I would squeal like a pig.
 

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I personally am against it. In my situation as DS I "exposed" to his father and his best friend. I was not asked to, I did it on my own.

He ultimately had a revenge affair after the fact. I never said he had to tell anyone. I know he feels remorse and I also know it would never happen again.

There is no one size fits all strategy. What works for some could very well backfire for others.
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Pidge I don't your story, were you exposing an affair you had or your husbands . If it was yours then after telling your husband the truth of the affair , a letter of apology to his parents and yours may have been better.

As for your husbands affair , two wrongs don't make a right , his revenge affair is lashing out and has nothing to do with exposing the affair.
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Exposing affair to OM/OW's spouse/SO-

YES

putting aside all of the reasons why it could be helpful to ceasing the affair and motivations of revenge, it is the right thing to do for the betrayed partner of your spouse's affair partner. While it truly sucks to be in this position of being the one to tell them you are the only one with the high moral ground to be able to do it and they deserve to know to make the most informed decision. If you recall, Shamwow informed his OMW and it turned out that she was left in the dark as to why her marriage was failing. What a truly wonderful service Sham provided to her to be able to make an informed decision.

Exposing affair to family-

Depends

I think his depends on a case by case basis. If you have a WS who is willing to R and ceases NC right away and does what is necessary then I think it might keep family dynamics at a better temperature. However, a WS thick in the fog who keeps breaking NC or refuses to acknowledge that they are the guilty party then exposing to family is a good idea. Beware however- blood is thicker than water and some family will blindly support their child despite what poor choices they make.


Exposing to work-

Depends

For starters it depends on your goal- if it is D then exposing may hurt you financially in settlement. If it is R and you have a deep in the fog spouse then work exposure may also help. Beware- this could result in termination of your spouse and will likely cause a major issue.
 

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I am in a situation.....I want to expose the affair my husbands....the problem is we live in a very small town...the woman has a boyfriend who according to H is very abusive..my H does not want me to expose the affair because according to him I will destroy the womans life...and put his at risk from the boyfriend...Thing is I found out about the A 1 month ago and he was still talking to her 2 weeks ago..I work out of state I travel for my job...My husband has lost his job and I have no choice...He is getting counceling and going to church..but he also was doing the church thing while still lying to me...I asked my H what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he would stop talking to me....does this sound like a man who wants to work things out?...He has lied to me for years about his porn addiction and he never really has given me 100% of himself...I am at a loss as what to do.......
 

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I am in a situation.....I want to expose the affair my husbands....the problem is we live in a very small town...the woman has a boyfriend who according to H is very abusive..my H does not want me to expose the affair because according to him I will destroy the womans life...and put his at risk from the boyfriend...Thing is I found out about the A 1 month ago and he was still talking to her 2 weeks ago..I work out of state I travel for my job...My husband has lost his job and I have no choice...He is getting counceling and going to church..but he also was doing the church thing while still lying to me...I asked my H what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he would stop talking to me....does this sound like a man who wants to work things out?...He has lied to me for years about his porn addiction and he never really has given me 100% of himself...I am at a loss as what to do.......

Expose it and get rid of that guy.
 

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I am in a situation.....I want to expose the affair my husbands....the problem is we live in a very small town...the woman has a boyfriend who according to H is very abusive..my H does not want me to expose the affair because according to him I will destroy the womans life...and put his at risk from the boyfriend...Thing is I found out about the A 1 month ago and he was still talking to her 2 weeks ago..I work out of state I travel for my job...My husband has lost his job and I have no choice...He is getting counceling and going to church..but he also was doing the church thing while still lying to me...I asked my H what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he would stop talking to me....does this sound like a man who wants to work things out?...He has lied to me for years about his porn addiction and he never really has given me 100% of himself...I am at a loss as what to do.......

I think you should expose.

Your husband knew about the boyfriend, knew what he was doing is wrong, but went ahead anyways. He needs to own the affair and the consequences. So does the other woman.

You not exposing the affair allows him to carry on by enabling him.

If you cover for him, he'll never grow as a person morally or spiritually.

In the meantime, prepare yourself financially and legally in case you want to divorce him. No joint bank accounts or credit card or debts/loans.
 

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I am in a situation.....I want to expose the affair my husbands....the problem is we live in a very small town...the woman has a boyfriend who according to H is very abusive..my H does not want me to expose the affair because according to him I will destroy the womans life...and put his at risk from the boyfriend...Thing is I found out about the A 1 month ago and he was still talking to her 2 weeks ago..I work out of state I travel for my job...My husband has lost his job and I have no choice...He is getting counceling and going to church..but he also was doing the church thing while still lying to me...I asked my H what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he would stop talking to me....does this sound like a man who wants to work things out?...He has lied to me for years about his porn addiction and he never really has given me 100% of himself...I am at a loss as what to do.......

Your husband is manipulating you, the OW has an abusive boyfriend this coming from the mouth of a liar and an adulteror , he threatens to leave you if you expose yet he continues to keep contact with her. Everything he says is the script followed by many cheating husbands , the only one who is abusive is your husband .

Call her boyfriend and expose the affair, call your parents and his let them know of his adultery before he gaslights you to them .

Do not tell him what you are doing, expose stand back and wait. If your husband comes home angry offer him a cookie , ignore his anger and raging, don't explain yourself and don't fall into a debate with him .
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I am in a situation.....I want to expose the affair my husbands....the problem is we live in a very small town...the woman has a boyfriend who according to H is very abusive..my H does not want me to expose.......

NOOOOcheating spouse ever wants to be exposed. Ever. You know why right? Because they want to continue the affair and/or are ashamed to be called out. If you expose the secret--it's not a secret anymore. Get it? By not exposing, you are actually enabling the affair and helping it grow. Scary, right?

according to him I will destroy the womans life...and put his at risk from the boyfriend.
Nearly every cheating husband uses this line when they are told they may be exposed..."Don't because her husband is a psycho/evil/molnster who will shed blood and beat her into a pulp once he finds out. And he may beat me into a pulp [and I am too much of a pvssy to face the consequences of what I did to him or you]". This is done so that you 1. Get thrown off the path of exposing 2. Gain sympathy for the fellow adulterer/homewrecker and ultimately so that 3. You don't tell so he can keep the affair going.

*Sidenote: Nearly every cheating wife's version is something like this: "Don't expose or say anything because OM's wife/partner isn't stable/depressed/ill/psycho. It's none of your business anyway! And if you tell, I will leave you and not talk to you! You evil heartless monster for wanting to call me out on my bullsh-t, lies and deception! I want my cake and want to eat it, too, and you will throw an axe on my master plan if you do this...waah waaah waaah! I hate consequences!"

See? Crazy!

.Thing is I found out about the A 1 month ago and he was still talking to her 2 weeks ago ... still lying to me


Because he's still having an affair. Because you haven't exposed. Because he does not fear you will do anything about it so he thinks and knows he can keep both the affair and his wife and everything will be awesome w/ zero consequences and you will never do a thing about it. Because he wants to keep the affair going.

.I asked my H what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he would stop talking to me
Hahahaha. What a joke and childish "I will stop talking to you if you expose my affair, betrayal, lies and cheating for what it is!" Do you know how stupid that sounds? Read and re-read waht I wrote because that is what he's telling you.

Here's the thing about exposure: NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!

Why?

Because that will give him and the OW time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho wife who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in her marriage,therefore she suspects her husband is cheating on her and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh and you bet he's told her already "My wife knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.

Find out who her guy is and exposes immediately:

"Ow's boyfriend,

Your girlfriend, Name, has been having an affair with my Husband's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have).Their affair has been detrimental to my marriagel. My husband told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).

Onthefence"


THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F them! And no, your husband doesn't sound like he wants to work it out with you if he's still lying to you. So expose him for the liar and cheater he is without telling him or the OW. And in the interim, tell him "I am aware you are lying to me and still in contact with the OW. You need to leave today because I refuse to live in an open marriage. I refuse to be treated so callously and be lied to and I will not tolerate this nonsense and your betrayals anymore. Get the f*ck out, homes!"

Remove yourself as an option for him. He will not feel any consequences as long as you're covering up the affair and allowing him to stay in the housse/carry on as a married man with all the benefits of a committed relationship. He is not committed to your marriage, therefore you do not need to reward him with the same generosity and pat him on the back and feel fearful when he is the one making these d!ck moves. Tell him where to go.

Sorry for the typos. I hate this laptop's keyboard. Too slippery.



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I vote to always expose.
Expose without threatening to do it and in one fell swoop and calmly and factually.
Yes, the cheater will blow a gasket and make exorcist style threats after it.
Yes, you will be scared by the reaction from the cheater.

No, they won't leave you and the marriage because you did it. If they leave it'll be because they already warped reality and messed up the marriage and justified messing it up.

Not due to exposure of what they have done. They cheated. lied. etc. Guess what? They did do those things. Those awful things. You didn't. THEY did.
 

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What if and it is a big what if, the they aren't lying? What if he is an abuser? Some people in abusive relationships would look for comfort elsewhere.
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What if and it is a big what if, the they aren't lying? What if he is an abuser?
and how does one find that out? by believing a wayward who is cheating and refuses to stop.

The OW has the option to leave her marriage without cheating, the BS did not have an option when her husband went out and cheated, she did not have the option to stop her marriage self destructing , the wayward and OW decided this for her.

The OW's husband may be an abusive man however so is the BS husband, to carry on cheating on his wife is emotional abuse.

The abuse card is used far to often by waywards , this is used to blind and distort the BS from doing what needs to be done to save their marriage.


Sorry for the typos. I hate this laptop's keyboard. Too slippery.
...lol and I dislike my smart phone, the android software makes up words and sentences as I type
 
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