Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 105 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,258 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I guess it's time to get my feet wet in this forum. My wife and I have been married 30+ years. Our kids are grown (some what). 10 years ago she broke down and told me didn't know if she had the "right kind" of love for me any more. We talked about divorcing, but I convinced her I could make her love me again. I know stupid me. We were young when we got married she was 18 and I was 20. We were a very loving couple always hugging and kissing and sex once a week wether we needed it or not. When this first happened I figured someone else, but I don't think that is the case. She hardly ever gets on the computer, I check cell phone records (not anymore lately) and we work at the same place. We live in a small town and I'm kin to half of the town. I believe I would have heard something.
Any way for the last 10 years there has been no affection from her. When it comes to sex there is no fore play she just rolls over on her side facing away. Then we get in the missionary position to finish. She ahem always orgasims, but she never puts her hands on me or touch me in any way.
Any way we get along great as long as there is no affection involved. I may have left out a lot of info, but I think more will come out as this thread progresses. (if you want to comment)
Please forgive misspells and crappy grammar.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,945 Posts
Sounds grim Thound. I suppose if my wife does the same to me later on I'll be happy we had this much time, sad that she's not in love any more, and content to let her go.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,258 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks Thundarr. She has a lot of stress in her life. I love her with all my being; However I want her to be happy. She is a great lady and deserves all the happiness in the world.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,478 Posts
Please do tell us more...

Was she ever really affectionate? If so when did it stop? Did it just peter out or did it go out because of an event or the likes?

Do you two still have fun together...go on dates, share interests?

What is causing her stress? What does she do with her stress?

10 years of no affection and duty sex must be a terrible thing to endure. Withholding affection and sex within a marriage is NOT OK... would she come to counselling with you? A good counselor will call her out on this issue!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,258 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Please do tell us more...

Was she ever really affectionate? If so when did it stop? Did it just peter out or did it go out because of an event or the likes?

Do you two still have fun together...go on dates, share interests?

What is causing her stress? What does she do with her stress?

10 years of no affection and duty sex must be a terrible thing to endure. Withholding affection and sex within a marriage is NOT OK... would she come to counselling with you? A good counselor will call her out on this issue!

She was always affectionate. It dropped off fairly rapidly, she did say she had been unhappy for a long time.
Her dad had a long protracted fatal disease. Our kids seem to make terrible life choices. Now her mom has the onset of Alzhimers. Etc.
I tried to get her to go to counseling, and there is no way she will go.
I'm thinking of telling her that if she is not happy being with me she needs to let me know so she can find someone else to make her happy, and I can move on. We never discuss our problems we just act as if there is nothing wrong. I can't stand to make her cry. Oh we do go out and eat pretty regulary.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
If you are in a marriage where one partner is more affectionate than the other you are not alone. We all go through periods in our life where we fall in and out of love and it can last for years. When we first get married there was a sense of attraction both emotionally and physically. We learned about each other and did not focus on ourselves. As time goes on we learn to focus on our own unmet needs and refuse to look at someone’s needs. Different people have different affectionate needs. In my own home I often express to my husband that the little things will lead to more. Hold my hand in public, just sit and talk to me, discusses the day in an uncomplaining manner and compliment me on how nice things look in the house. This makes me feel affectionate. Try being more open and do the little things. See what happens.Save My Marriage
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,258 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
If you are in a marriage where one partner is more affectionate than the other you are not alone. We all go through periods in our life where we fall in and out of love and it can last for years. When we first get married there was a sense of attraction both emotionally and physically. We learned about each other and did not focus on ourselves. As time goes on we learn to focus on our own unmet needs and refuse to look at someone’s needs. Different people have different affectionate needs. In my own home I often express to my husband that the little things will lead to more. Hold my hand in public, just sit and talk to me, discusses the day in an uncomplaining manner and compliment me on how nice things look in the house. This makes me feel affectionate. Try being more open and do the little things. See what happens.
Thanks for the reply. I have made a lot of changes. I used to be a hermit. I go places with her we go out to eat. Still she never shows me any affection. We usually get along great, but we are more or less room mates. We have sex, but I bet if she was honest she would tell me it's all she can do to keep from barfing at the thought of having sex with me.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,258 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I really need to put more info in my posts, but I'm using an iPad, and hate typing on it. Old people huh!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Thanks for the reply. I have made a lot of changes. I used to be a hermit. I go places with her we go out to eat. Still she never shows me any affection. We usually get along great, but we are more or less room mates. We have sex, but I bet if she was honest she would tell me it's all she can do to keep from barfing at the thought of having sex with me.
1. Sounds like you have some serious self-esteem issues.

2. You go out to eat. Do you think this is something that makes her feel special? Or has it become just more of the same ol' thing?

My guess is that when she tried to tell you what her needs are, you filtered it in a way that you wanted to. "I'd like to go do things together" might be what she said, and your mind figured out the easiest way to do that. But "doing things together" might have meant something different to her than it does to you. She might have meant she wants to share a hobby with you, for instance, but because you see dining out as doing things together, you believe you're doing what she asked, and yet she doesn't.

I'm afraid if you want affection from her, you're going to have to learn her needs better and actually invest time, effort, and creativity to meet them.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,258 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks for the reply Kathy. You are very perceptive, I do have self esteem issues. Going out to eat was a huge step for me. Here in the Houston area we had a reporter named Marvin Zindler. He was the reporter who shut down the brothel in La Grange. ( Best Little *****house in Texas). On Friday nights he would give restaurant reports describing the worst restaurants in Houston for that week. He gave all the gory details. Me being a germ freak I would not go out to eat. Over coming that was big for me. I have on my own over came my compolsive behavior. I still wash my hands before eating.
I'm sure she has given me clues before, but I'm so awesome being with should have been enough. (sarcasm) .
I don't know what happened to me I used to be ****y. In high school I was 5'7" weighed 130 pounds. I played varsity football. I didn't care how big the other guy was, I was going to try and knock the snot out of him. After I got married and had kids I tried to always make nice at work and home. I felt I had to walk a tight rope at work because of the recession of the early 80s. At home I had to walk a tight rope at home so I could get my " allowance" on Friday nights.
In short, I became a WIMP!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,235 Posts
Well, around here the theory is that women fall out of love with wimps. You thought you were doing all the right things, and maybe at that time you were.... but eventually you become less of a man in your wife's eyes.

So the next theory is, you can sit around and be all wussy about it, wishing she'd come around. OR you can look at yourself and do something about it! Get that macho feeling back.

Take control of yourself and your life.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,258 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Well, around here the theory is that women fall out of love with wimps. You thought you were doing all the right things, and maybe at that time you were.... but eventually you become less of a man in your wife's eyes.

So the next theory is, you can sit around and be all wussy about it, wishing she'd come around. OR you can look at yourself and do something about it! Get that macho feeling back.

Take control of yourself and your life.
I came to that same conclusion last week. I have lost 16 pounds through eating habits and will start hitting the gym at 0500 b4 work. We have a gym at work. I would be doing it now, but I am working 14 hrs a day. I have had to be at work at 0500 for the past 6 weeks, so I am in the habit of getting up at 0415.
I have already started speaking my mind at work and home.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,258 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Well last night we went out to eat and had a good time. We went to bed and she gave me the "casual" touch like she is open to some sex. It has been weeks since the last time, so I start kissing her and I get the usal flinching and sighing not the good kind. So I guide her hand to my nether region and she recoiled her hand. I just rolled over on my back. When she asked me what was wrong I told her I feel likes she is disgusted with me, and I don't want sex to be just another chore for her. She got up and went in the living room for a couple of hours. I didnt follow her like would have in times past. I guess I will see what transpires next. Either way I guess it doesn't matter one way or another.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
She may be depressed over her Father & your children not making the best life choices. Continue to work on yourself & mix things up a bit at home. Get her out of her comfort zone - go out with other couples & try to be the life of the party so she sees you in a different light.
 
1 - 20 of 105 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top