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First off I am so sorry that you are going through this. Second off, I'm sorry if me responding isn't something you wanted, but I wanted to offer any advice I could. I've been through the same thing, not in this marriage but in prior relationships and it's caused big problems.


Have you tried to split up the chores? Like because you are home during the morning/day you do what you can or certain things, and since she is home at night then she can do certain ones as well.

Have you thought about changing your work schedules? That would be my first thought when a problem arose.

Again I am sorry if I have stepped on any toes. I hate seeing ANYONE go through something like this.
 

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A marriage is a two way street. Mundane household chores should be divided. I'm in agreement with draconis. Do not do her laundry if all she's going to do is pick apart how you've done it. Do not clean up after her and promise to get rid of the cat if she is unable to care for it. Yes, there will be even more fighting over this, but you need to put your foot down.
 

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It sounds like your wife is taking you for granted. I agree with splitting up the chores. Sometimes people need to be reminded that you are not their personal maid. If the cats were her idea, then I would give her a test period of a week or two to tend to 'Her' cats and if she doesn't help out or tend to it or them then i would get rid of them or it.

My wife and I are sort of in the same area being married a couple months (shy of that 1 year mark) she has this cat that I can't stand, but she takes care of the cat (litter, mess, feeding, water, ect.) because she didn't believe me at first when I said i was done with it, i had to show her and the cat went without food for two days (poor cat) but she got the message.

Was she like this before you got married or is this all new? When did this all change? What do you think caused the change?
 

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I agree with splitting the chores.

in my household, the kids sweep, vacuum and empty out the dishwasher. while the hubby maintains the outside stuff like mowing, trimming, washing the vehicles, cleaning the travel trailer, feed the dog etc etc. I maintain the inside part of the house. i cook, clean and do mine and the kids laundry. he does his own laundry. (he complained one time that he didnt like the way i folded his clothes so i told him he could do it himself, he's been sorry ever since :p)

maybe that is something you can bring up with your wife.
 

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I'm going to assume that reasonable communication and other peaceful solutions have been attempted and failed. I'll also assume that she is refusing to communicate. Keeping that in mind consider the following:

Sadclown said: "To the person that sais quit doing his wife's laundry, do you know what kind of hell and wrath that will bring to him?"

I used to believe this, and now I believe that its total loser talk. If you've already given up mentally, how are you going to win physically?

The reason you are in this predicament is because SHE KNOWS that YOU BELIEVE that the consequences for disobedience will be more severe than doing the work.

Continuing down this road will lead you to a bad place. Suddenly you will never be allowed to eat meat, watch sports, buy toys, or see friends without her express approval.

First off, you need to break that cycle IMMEDIATELY. Its tough at first because she will go above and beyond to outlast you. She'll throw tantrums, withhold sex, pout, silent treatment... so on trying to crack you. If she succeeds and you fold, you just undermined yourself for life and she'll know she can outlast you.

She needs to believe, through YOU demonstrating as fact, that her tantrums, pouting, and passive attitude will NOT be acceptable. DO NOT under ANY circumstances be a jerk about it because your message will be lost.

Just calmly but ASSERTIVELY say that you do not feel the situation is fair, and if she is still unwilling to communicate, that you will no longer be the butler.

This is a superb, but non-confrontational phrasing of your sentiment. It is not blaming her, and it is not limiting the solution. It is merely saying that you feel things are unfair, that communication is necessary, and that you will no longer be the lackey.

Then your ACTIONS must support your words.

The trick to dealing with selfish and lazy people is to ensure that the consequences for non-compliance are immediate, direct, and severe.

The laundry is a good start. Here's another one just for an example: lets say you had kids and it was her job to put them to bed. If she rushes through it, short story, no lullaby... then the kids are back down bugging her.

What does she value that you currently do? What do you value that she currently avoids? Know what is going to drive your point home in a manner that she can't deal with. Some more ideas:

- If she never helps with cooking/cleaning, then start making frozen pizza and buffalo wings and eating off paper plates. If she doesn't feel that dinner is up to her standards, she can make her own and clean up after it.

- Stop vacuuming, Period.

- Rub a little catnip in some of her clothes. The cats will go nuts ;)

Then memorize the following phrases:

- If I had some help with <Chore 1> then I'd have had time to do <Chore 2>

- <Chore> just isn't important to me.

And constantly ask her for help with this and that. Ask her the night before, very nicely, if she could <chore> while you are at work because you <excuse>.

Take care to memorize EXACTLY what excuses she uses when you ask her to help and use those against her.

Its really true sometimes: once you say "I do" they say "I don't".
 

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Sadclown its fine to crusade for others, but what about yourself and your needs? Don't give up on yourself.

I don't believe that it HAS to be that way, and as long as someone believes he/she is whipped then he/she will be whipped. I know how tough it is to overcome a self-defeating attitude but it can be done, you just have to believe in yourself.
 

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Chopblock - I agree on the general principals of your comments. However, having been down this road i will say one must be prepared for everything to back fire.

In my own situation I still do 90% of the household chores. I tried not doing his stuff. But all I got was a dirtier house and "cant you just be happy - ignore it"

The only advice I have is to realize that some situations are not good for us to be in. "love" is not enough. Do what you can and know what point to walk away. I never did learn the point to walk away. Saying "well, we are still married." really isnt enough either.

No matter what you do, succeed or fail, only do what you know you can live with emotionally and from your own standards. DO NOT compromise on your standards ever. Not for love and not for marriage.
 

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You have gotten some very good, and very original advice. I think the best idea was to stop doing her laundry, and the catnip idea was the most original. I want to ask you, what was it like before you married? Did you live together before? What has caused this rift between you? Would I be remiss in asking what part of your guy's history is not being told?
Well, anyway, my brother married a ***** that had him doing all the housework after he came home from doing transmissions all day long. He did it because she was the mother of his child, but that still wasn't enough. When she saw what to her was a better deal, away she went, so being compliant for my bro didn't work out at all. I don't blame you for being tired. I truly hope you guys can work it out; if not, someone's leaving.
 

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Yep, my wife is a SLOB as well, and I came from a house where we cleaned up after ourselves and put everything back where it belonged. She came from a hosue where her mother was a compulsive cleaner, so her mother cleaned up everything and never said a word, I litterally can walk in her mothers house and throw my keys on teh floor, she will pick them up and put them where she wants them, and never say a word to me.

But my wife is a slob. So are her three sisters, when me and the brother-in-laws get together we drink and ***** about our slob wives...with a laugh. Because we all know the deal.

Anyway, I went on strike, I do my own laundry and the kids sometimes, teaching my kids to do their own. I do not clean up her dishes, I leave them there. I've learned to ignore her mess, until she finally get's the point that her mother does not live with us and I will not clean up after her. I may make the kids do it, "clean up the living room, downstairs, etc." But when SHE is having company and she wants to clean up the house....I refuse to help her, I simply say, if you cleaned up after yourself all the time, then you would not need to "rush" to clean up the house before you friends arrive.

Slowly but surely life has gotten better and she does things on her own, like the dishes, etc.

My wife knows I like a clean house, not a perfect house, but clean and I do my fair share, I vacum, do laundry, dishes, plus I am finishing off the basement, which involved Framming, Sheet rocking, mudding, painting...etc. She ask's when will I be done with it, I said well If I had more time to work on it, instead of cleaning up the house, then it would be done.

My point to her is TEAM WORK, the kids can do certain chores, and we can maintain the laundry and dishes daily.

I grew up having chores and I expect my kids to do the same, but it's tough when your wife's dirty dish and empty milk glass is on the desk next to the computer...for 3 days.

it's a work in progress, I don't get mad anymore, I am indifferent about it, but I certainly will not clean up after her, Kids yes, wife no. They are learning, she is an adult.
 

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"But when SHE is having company and she wants to clean up the house....I refuse to help her, I simply say, if you cleaned up after yourself all the time, then you would not need to "rush" to clean up the house before you friends arrive."

This is another GREAT example of structuring the situation so the consequences to her are more severe and immediate than the effort needed to fix the situation. She procrastinates, but then expects a clean house when her friends are coming. She has no choice but to clean! I love it!

"When she saw what to her was a better deal, away she went, so being compliant for my bro didn't work out at all."

Read my thread: "do women want what they want". The above is the issue I ask about -- doing what she wants all the time is just gong to leave her unfulfilled. People do not value what comes easy to them. You have to make her work for it, not think she is owed it.
 

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Read my thread: "do women want what they want". The above is the issue I ask about -- doing what she wants all the time is just gong to leave her unfulfilled. People do not value what comes easy to them. You have to make her work for it, not think she is owed it.
Tell me that this David DeAngelo style of thinking has worked so well in your relationship.

draconis
 

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You've obviously never dealt with a spoiled child, or a trust fund baby, or anybody who gets whatever he/she wants just by existing, or whining a little. GA's brother got dumped by that "bigger better deal" seeking wife of his despite doing whatever it was she wanted. Why do you think the saying "you don't appreciate what you have until its gone" is so prevalent? Maybe because it could be true?

I hadn't heard of David DeAngelo prior to your post, FYI.

For your further education, yes, it HAS worked in my relationship, and many others I've assisted in both emotional and financial contexts. In my own case, by standing firm with my gf when she is holding a shiny something or other, I have done both her and myself a favor. She now thinks wants/purchases through and decides whether or not they are REALLLLY worth the money. If I just caved and bought her whatever she wanted, I'd be 7 figures in the hole and she wouldn't value a damn thing. It actually nipped a major problem in the bud several years back, and I'm very glad it did.

Conflict is part of life, its something humans crave. Conflict doesn't have to be negative, a lot of it motivates people to do better by pitting a person against him/herself.
 

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I don't have to know you from "Adam" if you actively present yourself the same as he does.

Then you sidestep facts which disprove your unfounded hypothesis in order to send a slipshod insult.

I'm trying to help this poster, feel free to do the same.
 

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I don't have to know you from "Adam" if you actively present yourself the same as he does.

Then you sidestep facts which disprove your unfounded hypothesis in order to send a slipshod insult.

I'm trying to help this poster, feel free to do the same.
While some of your posts are helpful, so many more are insulting, or pushy. You want to lump everything into a file system. If it is so then feel free to write a thesis explaining your technique for solving all relationship problems since you find they are all the same all you will need to do is cut and past the pieces that apply.

Personally, I could care less if someone has a diffeent point of view from me. Many times it is having the options that help people here. However I find you very condescending the way you talk down to people using patronizing remarks.

The ostentatious posts you make only impress yourself. It is easier to talk across to people then down to them. I have been doing this for some time and I feel for many of the people on the forum.

It exasperates things when you come off as sexiest. I saw first hand what my mother had to go through and I have never seen a case where all the situations were exactly the same. Everyone is unique as is every situation.

I wanted to include all of this in the above post. It was a shame I didn't have the time then for it.

draconis
 

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I have to say I agree that the OP' wife is taking advantage of and then when called on it she acts as if he is wrong. Which leads me to believe she expects it (being everything he does) from him. One thing I do know from a marriage is that "you cannot expect from and and not be expected of"...It's a two way street and when someone behaves like a spoiled brat, yeah I could see how one would be disgusted by it. I would be..
 

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***when you come off as sexiest

Only on the catwalk :)

***I have been doing this for some time and I feel for many of the people on the forum.

Same, just not here.

***pushy + condescending

This is what its really about: I use the "tough love" approach a lot. I see people who have become "comfortably uncomfortable" and for whom coddling will not help at all. While I realize some people are in more fragile states, and I do allow for that, I also see cases of people who need to be rocked out of their ruts and told flat out that the situation (or their actions) are NOT ok.

I am not alone in this approach. Take the case on the other thread of the withholder who believes she is doing the right thing. Both carma and I asserted that while it "seems" like the right thing now, later on she may wish she could turn back time. Gentle coddling is not going to help.

This holds true for this OP as well, who is being taken advantage of clearly. I realize we are not aware of her side of the story, but some signs ring clear and all too familiar.
 

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I feel for you and have been in your shoes myself. My husband is the spoiled child of a mother who stayed at home thinking it was her duty to dote on her husband and children- something she admits to herself and adamantly defends. I on the other hand came from a family where both parents worked and everyone had to contribute or face consequences.

A long time ago, a newly married friend said she'd heard that one of the easiest ways to make a marriage work (or at least eliminate fighting over chores) was to get some help. If you can afford to hire someone to help clean even every 2-3 weeks, it can save the time and aggravation of fighting over who does what. Sure, it doesn't eliminate the day to day stuff like dishes, laundry and many of the other mundane tasks, but if it frees you up at least a little so that you aren't tired, feeling unappreciated and fighting, it may well be worth the money. It's made a difference at our house when we could afford it.

I quit doing my husband's laundry after he told me multiple times he didn't like the way I did it. In fact, he told me to stop because he didn't like my "rules". The other day, he actually complained to me that he had nothing to wear because I don't do his laundry. I politely reminded him that it was by HIS choice that I stop doing it.

I also do the minimum when it comes to our dog, who is sweet but an overfed, spoiled brat who is larger than me! I REFUSE to pick up poops or go with him to the vet anymore. Since the dog is his baby, it's his job to take care of him. I only tend to 2-legged children at our house.

I personally think that spouses will get away with whatever they can if they think their other one will do it and not have a problem with it. I do think that going "on strike" will help. Going this route will be a little hard on you if you like things tidy- stick to doing the things that you need to keep yourself sane. Let her wonder why the house isn't as tidy and why you've stopped doing X and Y. When it starts to bug her, maybe she'll pick up too. I personally get a little laugh out of watching my husband go on rants when he feels the house is a mess and that he is the "only one picks up"- complete BS. Hopefully eventually she'll get the picture and if she doesn't realize that you aren't going to be the maid, she'll have to sacrifice so you can get one, help out, or do without you altogether. Good luck!
 
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