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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My wife and I have been together for about 13 years, but only the last four have been under married. She had one semi serious boyfriend before me but as a mid to late teen. She is the only girl I've ever dated.

We had a lot of stupid fights in the first few years but we were also both very immature being late teens and early 20's. As we grew older, the stupid fights happened less and less and we got engaged in late 2006. In the summer of 2007 we began house hunting as we had set a marriage date for the following year. She did give me one stipulation, that whatever house we bought had to have a separate apartment area for her parents because they couldn't afford to live financially without her help. I agreed to this with the notion that there was a very strong possibility that they could be living in the same house as us until the day they died. I was OK with that because we live in the upstairs potion of the house and they would be living in the downstairs portion and each floor has a kitchen and bath. Doors seperated us and they only thing we shared in the house was the front door. We got the house, got married and began our lives together.

She didn't have a great childhood and I did so I always felt like I needed to make things easy for her. I did all the shopping, all the cooking, paid the bills and lots more. Her jobs at home were to clean and do the laundry on Saturday while I was at work. (Heck, I would do the laundry buy the machines are in her parents section so it was easier for her to do it). She really didn't even have to lift a finger as our section of the house isn't all that large.

Through the years she has always been able to count on me. A simple call and I would come running. She is a high school teacher and was in charge of fundraising for one particular class for 4 years. I always helped. I attended just about every fundraising thing she had. I helped decorate halls for spirit week, I bought food for the kids as they were working, I provided music for other things and more. I couldn't say no to her. She did have the student counsels cell phone numbers and I wasn't thrilled about it and let her know a few times but I wasn't overly concerned.

In the past few years she has been spending more and more time at school. She loves her students. I know she is at school grading and planning because she never does any of that stuff at home. When she started to make it a habit of staying at school I asked her many times to come home and I could help her. I get home from work around 1_30-2 and school ends at 1:50. It's a good day if I see her before 4 and school is only 15 minutes away. She would rather stay in school and talk to the students after school then come home and have me help her.

Two years ago we get a call from her sister's husband. She is also a teacher. He is very upset and wants us to pick her up ASAP. One way or another, the sister had sex numerous times with one of the students at her school. She says it was rape. The school ended up letting her go and she was placed in a psych ward for a few weeks. We were all upset and I let me wife take the reigns on what we should do. We ended up supporting her sister but my wife and I would talk about the sister almost daily. I don't think either of us believe the rape story. My wife was upset because she is also a teacher and was afraid of backlash at her school towards her.

No one ever said anything to my wife at school but towards the end of the year she got spoken to twice by the administration because she was supposed to tell them if a boy in the school came to talk to her. The kid is a bad student, cuts class, a druggy and more. One way or another the school found out that on at least two occassions she didn't tell them the boy appraoched her because she says she didn't want to get the kid in trouble any more then he already is. And remember, in the past 3 years I have been begging her to come home earlier but she never did.

Last summer my wife was of course on summer vacation. I would go to bed around 11 and she always wanted to stay up and watch TV. Most times I was OK with that but a lot of times I objected because I wanted to sleep together and felt it wasn't OK for her to crawl into bed a few hours later just because she wanted to watch TV. She stayed up and anyway. Other then that, we were fine. Then she wanted a boob job that summer. Everyone told her not to do it, including me. I did tell her that if she really wanted it that I would support her but that I wasn't happy about it and loved her for who she is. Before taking the money out of my retirement I specifically asked her if she loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives and she responded yes. She had the procedure and had a minor complication afterwards and had trouble sleeping in bed, supposedly. I would go to bed and she would watch TV on the couch and sleep there. I figured after a few weeks she would return to bed and did.

The school year starts and again she doesnt' come home at a reasonable time. She then gets in trouble (a third time) for not reporting the kid from before. He would cut class and go talk to my wife while on lunch break or something. A few weeks later she AGAIN gets in trouble. Of course, each time she gets in trouble it goes in front of the next higher up person in the district so this time it's with the superintendent. The superintendent says that if she wants to keep her job that she needs to be cleared by a mental health person. Keep in mind, we already know my wifes sister got in big trouble and lost her job and license for having sex with a student. My wife passes the evaluation and is cleared to return to the class but is sent with a warning that if she gets in trouble again she will be removed and dismissed.

At this point I'm very angry with her for all of this, especially after the fiasco with her sister. She should know better. At this point I scan our cell phone records and see THOUSANDS of texts monthly. I count the texts and in one month there are over 8,000 texts and 80 hours on phone conversations to a single number. I put my detective skills to work and eventually find that number belongs to the boy she gets in trouble with at school. There are over 120 text messages between the two on my BIRTHDAY! I print out the phone records and wait for her to come home and explain. I am cool when she gets home and pretend everything is OK. I then present her with the call log and ask her to explain it. She eventually spills the beans after a few minutes and I get livid. She tells me that she is only trying to help the kid because he is a drug addict and that he calls her his anti drug. I end up ripping up our wedding pictures, other pictures and more. Never did anything to her though. The very next day she goes and gets her own cell phone plane that I can't check.

The next few days are rough and we don't speak. She cries or sleeps whenever she is home. I'm very upset myself but after two weeks I approach her calmly and tell her I'm very upset. I then say that I'm her husband and I'll support her through anything, especially when this could cost her her job. I feel I am doing to right thing by supporting her when she needs it the most. We are OK for the following weeks. Eventually the kid is taken out of school because he is going to live with his mom. I was happy.

I still tried to be the best husband I could be after this but I start to see that I get nothing in return. At this point I realize that I really haven't been getting anything in return for years. As I said, I do all the shopping and cooking since I have a lot more free time. I can count on one finger the times she has shopped since we got the house. I could count on one hand the number of times she has made a meal in that time. It's not that I expect a stocked fridge and a plate when I get home, but sometimes is nice. I work six days a week and even on Saturday when I work and she's home doing nothing I still shop and cook. Same goes all summer long when she's off from school. I've been treating her like a little princess and I get nothing in return. I'm sure it's partly my fault, but like I said, she had a rough upbringing and I wanted to make her happy.

We attempted to see a social worker. We both went once and then we both went separately a few times. I'm not bragging, but even the social worker admired how strong of a husband I had been through it all. One day, she called the social worker to cancel an appointment and rescheduled the following week. She ended up cancelling that following week too and that's the last of that.

After that I wrote her a LONG letter describing my feelings about all that happened. I left it on the kitchen table and placed my wedding band on it with a note saying I don't feel like your husband so here's my ring. If you want to make this work and continue then I'd be more then willing to take the ring back. I havne't seen it since. She doesn't seem to think she's having an affair. I honestly don't believe there is any PHYSICAL activity between the two of them but 8,000 text messages and 80 hours od phone calls in one month surely constitutes and emotional affair of some kind, even if she is just trying to help the dirt bag who is in and out of rehab and can't graduate high school. She doesn't see it that way. I will say, my wife is not a social worker of anything like that. She is a language teacher so there's no reason for her to be trying to help this kid so much.

We've had plenty of good days since then but we've also had some bad, such as the past week when she said she doesn't feel like she's in love with me. She's been sleeping in the downstairs of our house (her parent actually moved out) for the past week. On Wednesday I told her she has two options. 1, to contact a psychiatrist and schedule an appointment from a bunch of numbers I gave or or 2, do nothing. If she chose to do nothing then I would be seeking legal help. I gave her till Sunday at Midnight to let me know. (I guess it's actually Monday at midnght.) It's about 8pm on Saturday so that means she has about 28 hours to contact me about the psychiatrist. She just left about 2 hours ago and her facebook status said she was spending the weekend with her sister, the one I mentioned above.

Looks like I'll be seeking legal counsel next week.
 

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Your a nice guy, a very nice guy. Do you see what it did for your marriage?

I assume you put your foot down in an attempt to save your marriage. Do you really want to? Will you go further to save it and her?

She is hooked on this EA like a drug. She can't break free from it, contact with the boy is her fix.

To save her and/or your marriage you will have to break up the EA. She will fight you for her fix. Are you ready to do that? The school administrators are trying to stop it.

Read these:

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thank you for reading my lengthy post.

She says she has no more interaction with the kid and I want to believe that but it's hard. She still has her own cell phone plan and even has a lock on her phone now. She always used to keep her phone out on the counter to charge it. In the past 1+ years she has taken to putting a lock on the phone and it never leaves her side.

For what it's worth, the kid is going through a similar upbringing that my wife did that wasn't all that pleasant. It wasn't until she saw the school mandated psychologist that her and I made that connection because he pointed it out and said she is just trying to help him because she had a difficult upbringing and overcame it and she is trying to get the kid to do the same. I read her psych report and that's what it said. I can understand that, but like I said she is not a mental health professional and has ZERO training in the field other then her real life experience. She should not be giving too much advice IMHO because she is not trained for it. She does say that she is the only person this kid will open up to though.

Even if the EA is over with the kid then it still doesn't help things. The kid isn't living in the same district anymore anyway. She still talks to current students via text on a daily basis. She still would rather talk to them after school and have them help her grade papers then come home and have me help.

I've been trying to salvage the marriage. Since we now have the run of the entire house, 5 bedrooms, I told her we should make one of the rooms a dedicated office for her with the computer, book shelves, printer, and a large desk so she could easily work from home. I've mentioned seeking help and we did but she broke off those sessions after a few weeks.

I have her a list of mental health people last week and told her that we can't fix the marriage without her help, that SHE needs to be the home to set up an appointment with someone. It is now 14 hours until the deadline I gave her and I still have not heard back from her.

I want to continue being a good man and a good husband but there's only so much I can take. She's been different and colder in the past 1.5 years. When we talk about her sister's situation then we both agree that her sister needs to seek help. A lot more has happened since then as the sister hasn't worked a day since, left her husband for one of his friends and is now pregnant with the new guy and still not officially divorced. She needs help and my wife and I both agree. My wife fails to see that she herself needs help and if she can't see that then there's really not much I can do on my end. she needs to do it herself.

There are always two sides to every story but I feel that everything I've written has been truthful. Sure, I am not the perfect guy/husband and have my faults. Everyone does. If she fell out of love with me and wants a separation/divorce then I would be OK with that. The thing is, it's not like she was having an EA with someone around her age. That would actually be easier for me I think, somehow. The fact that she is/was having this huge EA with a 16/17 year old when she is 34 is troubling. The fact that she can talk to these other 16/17 year olds all the time via text is troubling. What conversations can possibly take place? What do you have in common? Pretty much nothing.

I know my wife was never the popular kid in school but now she is one of the most popular/well liked teachers and I think it's gotten to her head and she loves the attention.

I feel more like her father then her husband. She comes home to a house filled with groceries and a meal on the table. She then proceeds to tell me about all the kids in school, what teachers she likes and doesn't like and more. She's constantly on her phone. She tells me who is going out with who like I really care. She doesnt' listen to me, take my advice or heed warnings from me or her superiors. As I said, I feel like her father, not her husband.
 

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The affair is completely alive and active, it is most definitely a physical affair. The boob job was clearly entirely for this kid so your wife could compete with the high school girls.

She hasn't shown any remorse or guilt. Shes living separately in the same house and is flaunting her ability to continue cheating with the locked cellphone.

I would be grabbing that cell phone and keeping it until I had unlocked it and had read every message.

Have you put voice activated recorders in her bedroom and car to find the details?

Also she's likely been giving him money all along for drugs, booze etc. That's money she's taken from the family and used to buy him to be with her.

At this point, I think you should go hardball, but she's been openly at it for so long that she now feel entitked to live in your home but be his girl.

I think you should protect your assets, get evidence from the VARs and expose your wife and diviorce her.

Oh and if have had any sex with her, get yourself tested for STDs.
 

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I feel more like her father then her husband. She comes home to a house filled with groceries and a meal on the table. She then proceeds to tell me about all the kids in school, what teachers she likes and doesn't like and more. She's constantly on her phone. She tells me who is going out with who like I really care. She doesnt' listen to me, take my advice or heed warnings from me or her superiors. As I said, I feel like her father, not her husband.
This is the way you feel when a love one is addicted. She is addicted. Do not waffle on your stand tonight. Commit to the marriage or divorce. She needs to wake up. You being a nice guy will not wake her up. She most likely will test your resolve, because you have been a too nice. You will have to file. But divorce takes a good while to be finalized. During that time you can work on something.

You did not answer the question. Are you willing to go further to stop her behavior?

Shaggy is right. As long as she is hiding her communication from you (her phone), she is lying. You need to take other steps.



Something else to read, The 180, from 'Divorce Busters'

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce
 
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Commit to the marriage or divorce. She needs to wake up.[/url]
I don't know how you can commit to marriage if she is sleeping with the kid. And if he's under 18, can you say child molester attached to her name for the rest of her life.

Wherever they move, she'll have to register as a sex offender, especially if he was/is still a minor.

Maybe the kid is 18 already but if they were doing it while he was underage, good luck trying to save a marriage from that.

IMO, if you find out it's gone physical, report it to the cops or school administration and run like hell.

She's an adult not a kid, she's responsible for her actions and you don't want to be dragged down with her. BTW, her sister's ex-husband did the right thing, he ran for the hills and never looked back.

If it hasn't gone physical, she quits that school right away and it might be time to pack up and leave if it's possible. If word gets out, not one single person in that town will want to be within 10 feet of you.

You're dealing with underage kids here, people will attack your entire family with a vengeance forever. You love your wife but there is NO way a marriage can survive this.
 

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Lost guy. I don't even know what to say. Hopefully some others will jump in here to can articulate this much better than I can.

You don't even know how pathetic you sound which is understandable because you are in denial but trust me that you are making yourself look pretty weak to your wife and that's not going to help anything.

There's a saying that you have to be will to lose your marriage in order to save it and I think it is true. Did you say she got her own phone plan? Why exactly is that within the bounds that you are willing to accept I mean come on. And she's still staying on the property.

It sounds like you feel sorry for her which is okay if you want her to think you are a p..sy but if you would like for her to have ANY respect for you then you have to be respectable.

I'm sure someone can say this better and nicer than me but if she's not trying to reconcile or does not feel guilty then she should not be living with you. Yes on the property counts. If she has her own phone plan then go on to the attorney because she's not trying at all.

Seriously be a self respecting person if you want anyone else to have respect for you. No self respecting person would put up with this crap. Only scared, needy, and emotionally weak would let things continue this way.
 

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Is she even really at her sister place?

I mean there a some big red flags here.

Can you verify if she is, I mean you have to start really looking at whats really going on, by planting a VAR (Voice ativated Recorder) in her car, go to BestBuy and pick one up with some velcro tape, tape it under her seat.

See all the help in the world won't matter until the OM .....or OB is out of the picture.

Even if it not the kid it maybe be a new kid.

On a side note, it sound like your SIL got caught up with a student and when she tried breaking it off the stundent blackmailed her...hence the rape acusation
 

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Discussion Starter #9
She must have come home this morning for something and then left while I was at work because I noticed some things moved around.

About an hour ago I was in my backyard reading a book and when I went inside I saw her car in the driveway. I never heard here because I was in the back and the downstairs is it's own apartment. While i was eating dinner I heard and saw her leave.

The only way I know where she is these days is via facebook where's she'll check herself in at places. She was hanging out with her sister over the weekend because she checked herself in at her town and he sister even liked it. Then she checks herself in at other restaurants and even posts pics. The pics are always with former students who graduated, but they are always of girls. Even the comments under the pictures reflect that.

So, what's the best plan of attack now? I want to end the relationship and the only thing we have between us is the house which is about $100,000 under water so it's not like we can make money if we sell it. I have no problem keeping the house and renting out the downstairs. I know her sister, the one who slept with the kid, is currently going through a divorce (she is the one that left, no him) and is using legal zoom. Do I really need to have a lawyer involved? We are not blessed with much money.
 

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You have missed the most important point here--a kid is being abused. Clearly you need to report her and give copies of the evidence to the police. If a woman found her husband doing something similar and didn't report him, we would all think she is condoning child abuse. Many of her friends and family would abandon her for not standing up for the kid. Now that is your position. Do the right thing. She is sick and twisted and a young person is being victimized. How sad.
 

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You have missed the most important point here--a kid is being abused. Clearly you need to report her and give copies of the evidence to the police. If a woman found her husband doing something similar and didn't report him, we would all think she is condoning child abuse. Many of her friends and family would abandon her for not standing up for the kid. Now that is your position. Do the right thing. She is sick and twisted and a young person is being victimized. How sad.

I have no proof of abuse, only some texts and phone calls. Her sister is the one that slept with a kid and she lost her job and career for that and hasn't worked since.
 

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I have no proof of abuse, only some texts and phone calls. Her sister is the one that slept with a kid and she lost her job and career for that and hasn't worked since.
You have more than enough proof to show inappropriate actions on her part. Any school administration would see those text as inappropriate, at the least. The administration is trying to stop her from the inappropriate behaviors. You know that she is lying to them and you. If you wish to hide those facts from the authorities your are assisting her in continuing those behaviors and putting emotionally challenged children as risk from her behaviors. It's not her job to counsel emotionally challenged children, she is not a professional that follows the laws and guide lines of your state. As you've seen with her sister, this will not end well. She will continue for a period of time and then be caught doing it again. She is on her last leg with the administration and is going to lose her job. How much damage will she do to the children that she involves herself with before that happens?

She has checked out of the marriage and chosen divorce. You can look up the divorce procedures on you state's web site. Many let you down load the forms. Many lawyers will give you a free 1st consultation, too.

It's time for you to enact the 180 in order to move on. Read 'No More Mr Nice Guy' for yourself. Hope you make the right decision. Be well.
 
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Discussion Starter #17
Well, today is our 4 year anniversary. I got her an anniversary card and left it for her when she woke up today while I was working. I told her I was still interested in working things out but that the only way would be to seek professional help. I told her I made dinner reservations for today at 6:30 and that we had to leave at 6 and that she had to be upstairs at 6 if she wanted dinner and wanted to work on our relationship. I told her if she didn't come upstairs and do dinner that we were done and this was the last straw.

She texted me today to say she got my card and cried when she read it but that she didn't want to "confuse" things by going to dinner with me. I told her there wasn't anything to be confused about. Either come upstairs and we do dinner and then seek help or don't come up and the marriage is over. It doesn't get much simpler then that.

She then said she made dinner plans with one of her friends before I got the card and that she was going to eat with her. I told her that I'm sure her friend would understand if she had to cancel because we were going to work on our relationship, not to mention the fact that today is our anniversary.

She did come upstairs to give me a kiss but I was staring at the computer the entire time. She again stated she cried when she read the car and when she went to kiss my cheek I backed away. 2 minutes later she was starting her car and backing out the driveway to see her girlfriend.

2 minutes after she left I changed my relationship status on facebook to separated and then updated my status saying we were not together anymore. I'm done.
 

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lostguy,

"I'm done", you said that before. Why would you set your self up for that fall. Your are still trying to be Mr Nice Guy and she is still crapping on you. She already told you by her actions that she was not going to stay in the marriage. She probable is telling her friend how pathetic and clingy you look. Why is she in the house? How do you know she was meeting a girlfriend?

Did you read the 180 or No More Mr Nice Guy? Did you read anything recommended?

Take a stand. Stop giving her chances she wont take. It makes you look weak. Don't talk to her. Go see a lawyer. Expose her to the district administration.
 
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Discussion Starter #19
I was giving her one last chance because it is our anniversary. I haven't read the books yet because I'm waiting on the library to get them in. Hopefully tomorrow.

I've already contacted a lawyer and we have been going back and forth. He wanted to met me tomorrow but it's not possible on my end. Looks like we can set something up for next week though.
 

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What chance has she given you! Start the 180.

You don't have to wait for the books.

Read the 180 and No More Mr Nice Guy links that were posted in your thread. You could have done that at any time.

Here is a link to the forum and the 180

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group
 
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