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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Together: 9.5 Years
Living Together: 6 Years
Married: 4 Years
Daughter: 4 Years Old
Separated: 05/2012

My wife and I separated back in May of this year.

I received the “I think we need a break” and “let’s take time apart - to work on us” speal.
We had been having issues for several months if not a year - both being vocal about it to each other. Naïve as I was (probably still am), I responded back with: What’s the purpose of this separation? We are going to work on our relationship right? Right?
She responded by assuring me that we would start going on dates and pump life back into our marriage.

I left the apartment… Her name was the only one on the lease and I really wanted things to cool down. Yes, big mistake. I should have checked my legal options
We were fighting constantly. – But this is my wife! She wouldn’t do anything wrong to me! – so I thought at the time.
I moved into a relative’s place and have been there ever since – spending time with my daughter and sometimes with each other (wife and I) - mostly on weekends. We agreed that we wouldn’t date other people – or that’s what I thought.

We’ve been intimate during our separation and enjoy each other’s company: bars, clubs, ball games, weddings, dinners, movies, etc… but something was feeling off; It didn’t feel right. She didn’t want to have deep and constructive conversations about our issues, future, and marriage. She kept complaining about a “lack of emotional connection”. That I wasn’t showing and/or was not being consistent enough. I was jumping through hoops fellas, that was me… shooting at a moving target.

We were your typical couple: Ups and Down… Nothing that sticks out like a sour thumb – but it felt for some time that we weren’t maturing as a couple. We were horrible problem solvers, held grudges, made-up w/o addressing the core issues etc… She did most of the yelling, insults – while I did the withdrawing.

We could probably create a list of pages of complaints about one another if we really wanted to: I am not the most affectionate individual in the world – She’s got anger problems; just to name a couple. No Physical Abuse, Addiction, and certainly no (physical) infidelity that I knew of at the time.

Intimacy was becoming an issue. We weren’t jack-rabbits but things were ok in the past - it certainly tailed off back in May. (Yes, red flag)

Since moving out I’ve gone through all the stages: Self Blame, Denial, Acceptance, Anger, Passing Depression…
I sought IC (weekly ever since), went hard at the gym for the first 3 months (dropped off), spent months reading books, reading TAM, talking to people in my situation, talking to relatives, etc… During the time of the separation I have done serious self-reflection, addressing the BS that I brought to the table: I lie (stupid lies), I withdrawal at times, I kept my emotions in – instead of being vocal , moody sometimes, never established proper boundaries… Nice Guy as referred to in the NNMNG Book. I am by no means the perfect husband… and many of her beefs with me are valid.

My wife used the time to blame me for everything, party on occasion, and distance herself from this marriage bit by bit.

Veteran TAM’ers know where this is headed!

After I left, flags were all over the place: Password on phone, keeping phone at arms-length, constant blame-shifting, rewriting of relationship history, shady behavior, limited affection and intimacy (not the pre separation norm) etc…
Discovery of an EA/PA occurred during the Summer. I discovered a text on her phone from her co-worker stating: I love you. I showed her what I found and she went ballistic in anger. After showing indifference to her response, she went the crying route… pleading we address our relationship via Marriage Counseling. I demanded NC and she said yes. (I didn’t verify folks and there was No Transparency!) 2x4 worthy for sure!
2 weeks later she sat me down for dinner and wanted to reinvest and commit back into the marriage.

You guessed it – I went along for the ride and signed up for MC in early August. During the sessions it was a one-side bash fest. No core issues were discussed, even though I tried to steer the sessions in that direction… It was painful. I would leave the sessions shaken. I was a glutton for punishment and stayed the course till late September.

Why MC wasn’t working? Yup, the co-worker was still on the scene.

I was late posting my story, but I’ve seen what you guys have done for other people… I'm hoping for the same.
I am NOT trying to get my wife back. I want to work on ME.
I don’t hate my wife, I wish her the best of luck… I am letting her go. It’s about my daughter and I right now.

I let her Cake-Eat, I allowed myself to be a doormat, I did not put my foot down, etc… This is all on me. I’m no victim. I allowed her to do this before and during our separation. Now it’s time to do something different. I want to understand what happened and prevent it from happening again.

I’m going to continue recording my journey – I want you guys to come along for the ride. I know I’m not out of the woods yet.
 

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Discussion Starter #2
Just learned that the wife and PosOM have been doing Christmas activities with my daughter: seeing Santa Claus, decorating the tree, watching holiday movies, etc... Bitter pill to swallow.
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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
Yup, I plan on countering with constant reassurance and planning my own fun holiday activities with her (not that the above-mentioned discovery should be a motivating factor).

It just strikes a nerve - I have to deal with it.
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Discussion Starter #5
Had the most productive day at work in a long time. Felt really good about myself. Stayed focus - something I've had issues with in the immediate past.

Got a vm from my Lil' Girl later in the day telling me that she and her mom were at a X-Mas event. I returned the call but didn't get an answer. Not fretting it though - it was an overall good day.

Appetite is coming back.
Just need to get my azz back in the gym. Lost about 20lbs during this mess - mostly muscle. Step by step.
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Well if you read these threads they will tell you to care of you. So get back in the gym. Focus on becoming a better person and detach from your POS. You got no other choice.
 

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Had the most productive day at work in a long time. Felt really good about myself. Stayed focus - something I've had issues with in the immediate past.

Got a vm from my Lil' Girl later in the day telling me that she and her mom were at a X-Mas event. I returned the call but didn't get an answer. Not fretting it though - it was an overall good day.

Appetite is coming back.
Just need to get my azz back in the gym. Lost about 20lbs during this mess - mostly muscle. Step by step.
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Has work been a problem for you? I haven't been able to be productive for a while now. I'm hoping I can get my head clear during the holidays and eventually get back on track.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
It was so for months! I would coast through assignments w/o much detail and effort. Their wasn't any motivation to go "that extra step" and it showed. I was a zombie in the office - didn't do much socializing and just wallowed in self pity.
Fortunately for me, I had a superior who was very understanding (had dealt w/ our situation before), that helped/guide me along the way.
Hopefully, you can avoid a similar rut in your case because as I have come to find out, its very therapeutic to dive into your work and be productive.
My superior kept stating, start off with the small, build momentum and go from there. It took me sometime to catch on, but I'm there now.
Hopefully, that helps some in your situation.
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Discussion Starter #10
But coachman, he's just a "friend"!

Man, I've wasted so much time and energy into our situation - that the fuel tank meter is way passed empty.

Honestly, I'm not at the point of indifference but I am at a point where things she says and/or does matter less and less.

Logic is catching up to my emotions.
 

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A little late now, but knowing there was a POSom in the wings you should have pushed hard not to have any significant others around your D.

It's almost impossible for her to justify that it's in your D best interest.

That isn't focusing on her at all. That is the well being of your D.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Believe me brother, I tried. You can't reason with some people - they'll just find a way to justify their actions. They'll make something up.
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This is true.

She's showing you who she really is.

Stick to the plan and create a stable environment for your D because your W will crash and burn.
 

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RG-In hindsight we all would see the flags. The demise is always two sided. It's amazing how many end up crashing and want to come back. They should have thought of the consequences before the affair.
 
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Discussion Starter #15
It's the same script that keeps getting played out - it's amazing. A damn Epidemic.

Her chaos or better pastures are hers to own. As are mine.

Like my mother says: The only casualties in these types of situations are the children.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Wife sends me a link to: Rescue Your Relationship from Depression Don't let your loved one's depression get in the way of a healthy partnership.

What in the hell is the point?! To get a reaction from me?

Mind you, I have never suffered a depression. I've gone through ruts, but a depression?

Obviously, their is more work to do. Lol
 

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Wife sends me a link to: Rescue Your Relationship from Depression Don't let your loved one's depression get in the way of a healthy partnership.

What in the hell is the point?! To get a reaction from me?

Mind you, I have never suffered a depression. I've gone through ruts, but a depression?

Obviously, their is more work to do. Lol
You know the point.
 

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Regroup,
Why are you tolerating this behavior? Tell your WW that she is NOT to bring an OM around your child. Inform her that if she does it again, you will be filing for sole custody. Two months? Really? Not sure if your posts indicated it or not but have you filed for D yet? Are you in a fault state? In your position and since you decided you are done, I would be looking at divorce/custody law VERY closely and consulting with an attorney. Have a morality clause put into a custody agreement to keep POSOM away from your daughter during overnight visits with your WW. You have to use your legal options to keep your DD as safe as possible when around your WW.
 

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Her point is her point covert
blameshift, guilt lift
Own your true accountability
demand they do theirs, or do not bother me
 
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