I thought I could handle it myself and I could just use similar stories and advice shared on this forum to guide me without posting my own story and asking for help. I've never posted nor am I active on social media so sharing something so personal is new to me. But I've come to a point where my mind is fogged up and I just don't know how to proceed or deal with it on my own anymore.
Both my wife and I are 38 and we have 2 kids, 4 and 6. We have been together for 16 years and married for 9. Although never diagnosed, my wife exhibits strong traits of having BPD and is high functioning. Keeping that in mind, I don't want to make this first post too long in going over why I think she does.
I'll skip to my current situation- I am currently in the midst of week 6 of the silent treatment whilst still living together and me pretending to be happy at home in front of the kids while she is tearing me apart inside. Cheating could be involved, divorce is likely, even though it's not what I hope for and I don't have the courage to move forward with it. Read on...
I've always felt I've tried to be best husband and father I could be given the circumstances. If I'm not at work, I am at home helping out with the kids or chores. Im scared of my wife so much after walking on eggshells so many years that I try to avoid as many triggers as I can. I would decline friends invites to hang out, I would avoid or decline overtime so im home when I'm supposed to, sometimes when my job is busy we are asked to work a few hours on weekends but given a flexible schedule- I would choose to work at 2am so I'll only be gone while their asleep and be home in time so my wife wouldn't have the burden of taking care of both kids by herself and giving her an excuse to blame me. I feel guilty going to my company Christmas party. I'm scared to share with her where I go eat at lunch with my coworkers ( she brings lunch and hardly goes out to eat). I get my kids ready for school and I'm the one that reads them the bedtime story and puts them to bed. You get the point...I put my family first above anything. Sometimes it feels like a competition to see who does the most so she has nothing to get mad at me about maybe that's why I never get any empathy or passion or a some thank you. Because she feels like she does the same if not more.
Anyways here is how current events unfolded. Our main form of communication during the day is via text.
-It started with her texting me one afternoon she had decided to cancel my daughter's after school private piano lessons. Her reasoning was she feels like shes wasting her money (it's paid by out joint account...) That she's disappoint in me and disappointed in marrying me because I don't renforce it at home when she wanted out daughter to have the best education and I just want to let them watch TV. ( I only let watch TV in the morning while they're waiting for me to get ready?...they're watching TV while eating dinner when I get home from work.) ??? I learned not to argue or defend and just say I'm sorry she felt that way.
- a week goes by, she's a little more detached but at least shes still talking with me and I'm hoping it'll just blow over. We had a trip to Vegas planned with her friends and it would be the first time since we had the kids to leave them for a night (this was planned long ago). She texts me that that I should just go hang out with my friends and she'll go to Vegas with hers and still leave the kids with her parents. I told her it's ok I'll stay with the kids and she can go have fun with her friends (thinking I'm showing her I'm a good husband). Told her sorry for what she's feeling and I'll change little by little (even though I have nothing to apologize for..just hoping to keep the peace). Wrong move...she latched on to the "change little by little" and raged at me. Called me expletives and how I'm the problem. She's realized I'm the one that makes her sad. She'll be happy if I'm gone. We should get a divorce.
- start of silent treatment. No answer when spoken to. No response to texts. Goes into room after I get home basically I'm left alone to take care of kids. Notice she doesn't have as much interaction with the kids when Im at home. I don't want the kids to feel like anything is wrong so I put on smiley face and play with them and I'm the one that still tells them to go say good night to their mommy. If we don't she'll go to sleep without a peep. Shes moved to another bedroom although I've been sleeping with the kids in their bedroom. The master is empty..... weird.
- I'm hoping to give her space. Hoping she would snap out of it like the same silent treatment I got a year ago for 3.5 weeks after I apologized and pleaded. This time I'm doing a lot less pleading because I'm tired. I want to actually communicate and fix our problems this time instead of sweeping it under the rug.
- I offered to talk and told her we need to fix this. To same our marriage. Get help. Her response :
#1 there is the reason that I do not love you anymore. It's a valid reason to want a divorce.
#2 what benefit is there for me to stay married to you? None
#3 why should I stay married to you? Do you do anything for me? No
#4 we don't need to talk about this over and over if you keep promising the same **** and breaking it. Also another valid reason for divorce.
#5 I'm tired of your ****
#6 you want to stay married for the sake of what? The kids? No. They'll be happier once I'm happier
What more is there to talk about? Nothing. You broke a deal and it's over. Plain and simple. You want to work on it? Too late. You want to talk it out? Too late. You you you. You want everything to work out for YOU. Nothing you do is for ME. So I want to do something for myself and be rid of something that weighs me down- that's YOU!
Everything I've done since our marriage was for her. I've always put her and the kids first... This was out last communication via text and I didn't respond.
I don't understand how somebody you've loved for so long can flip a switch and hold the anger for so long. I don't understand if she wants it a divorce so bad and be rid of me why hasn't she done anything yet to follow through.
There are certain parts of me that wants to end it already, but I'm worried for the kids and want them to stay in the house which I know my wife couldn't afford on a single income. It doesn't feel like my wife has thought of the consequences of divorce. Being able to see the kids only partially and the disposition of the house. A part of me is in peace at least I still get you see my kids everyday and sleep next to them every night.
The possible cheating- my wife has been pretty hardcore into playing pokemon go and I know she's met some other players online that play together and chat about it. At first I thought was innocent enough. When I did have access to her phone it seemed like the chats we're about playing so I wasn't worried. I kept checking and I noticed she met a guy for lunch but the conversation seemed still innocent although not about the game anymore. Then my wife changed her phone passcode and I couldn't access anymore but I could see what the new messages were from notifications. Although no solid evidence, but from the bits I was able to see from the other guy. it feels like the they're conversing a lot closer than just players sharing a same interest and they meet in person. Also think my wife has been shaving, even though she has no reason to. She usually just grooms when we know we will have a special occasion.... Since she uses a chat app that uses data for calls and texts which doesn't show up on cell phone records. Pretty much no way to tell or get evidence unless I find out her passcode.
Sorry for the long post. I just don't know know what to do anymore. My priority is to keep family together and not affect the kids. I know most people will say file and move on. But a part of me wants to tell her to think about the house, the kids, before she does anything she'll regret, short of accusing her since I don't have solid evidence. Hoping she would stop and actually think?
Sorry it's late and I'm just rambling. Can provide more details if anyone cares.
Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk
Both my wife and I are 38 and we have 2 kids, 4 and 6. We have been together for 16 years and married for 9. Although never diagnosed, my wife exhibits strong traits of having BPD and is high functioning. Keeping that in mind, I don't want to make this first post too long in going over why I think she does.
I'll skip to my current situation- I am currently in the midst of week 6 of the silent treatment whilst still living together and me pretending to be happy at home in front of the kids while she is tearing me apart inside. Cheating could be involved, divorce is likely, even though it's not what I hope for and I don't have the courage to move forward with it. Read on...
I've always felt I've tried to be best husband and father I could be given the circumstances. If I'm not at work, I am at home helping out with the kids or chores. Im scared of my wife so much after walking on eggshells so many years that I try to avoid as many triggers as I can. I would decline friends invites to hang out, I would avoid or decline overtime so im home when I'm supposed to, sometimes when my job is busy we are asked to work a few hours on weekends but given a flexible schedule- I would choose to work at 2am so I'll only be gone while their asleep and be home in time so my wife wouldn't have the burden of taking care of both kids by herself and giving her an excuse to blame me. I feel guilty going to my company Christmas party. I'm scared to share with her where I go eat at lunch with my coworkers ( she brings lunch and hardly goes out to eat). I get my kids ready for school and I'm the one that reads them the bedtime story and puts them to bed. You get the point...I put my family first above anything. Sometimes it feels like a competition to see who does the most so she has nothing to get mad at me about maybe that's why I never get any empathy or passion or a some thank you. Because she feels like she does the same if not more.
Anyways here is how current events unfolded. Our main form of communication during the day is via text.
-It started with her texting me one afternoon she had decided to cancel my daughter's after school private piano lessons. Her reasoning was she feels like shes wasting her money (it's paid by out joint account...) That she's disappoint in me and disappointed in marrying me because I don't renforce it at home when she wanted out daughter to have the best education and I just want to let them watch TV. ( I only let watch TV in the morning while they're waiting for me to get ready?...they're watching TV while eating dinner when I get home from work.) ??? I learned not to argue or defend and just say I'm sorry she felt that way.
- a week goes by, she's a little more detached but at least shes still talking with me and I'm hoping it'll just blow over. We had a trip to Vegas planned with her friends and it would be the first time since we had the kids to leave them for a night (this was planned long ago). She texts me that that I should just go hang out with my friends and she'll go to Vegas with hers and still leave the kids with her parents. I told her it's ok I'll stay with the kids and she can go have fun with her friends (thinking I'm showing her I'm a good husband). Told her sorry for what she's feeling and I'll change little by little (even though I have nothing to apologize for..just hoping to keep the peace). Wrong move...she latched on to the "change little by little" and raged at me. Called me expletives and how I'm the problem. She's realized I'm the one that makes her sad. She'll be happy if I'm gone. We should get a divorce.
- start of silent treatment. No answer when spoken to. No response to texts. Goes into room after I get home basically I'm left alone to take care of kids. Notice she doesn't have as much interaction with the kids when Im at home. I don't want the kids to feel like anything is wrong so I put on smiley face and play with them and I'm the one that still tells them to go say good night to their mommy. If we don't she'll go to sleep without a peep. Shes moved to another bedroom although I've been sleeping with the kids in their bedroom. The master is empty..... weird.
- I'm hoping to give her space. Hoping she would snap out of it like the same silent treatment I got a year ago for 3.5 weeks after I apologized and pleaded. This time I'm doing a lot less pleading because I'm tired. I want to actually communicate and fix our problems this time instead of sweeping it under the rug.
- I offered to talk and told her we need to fix this. To same our marriage. Get help. Her response :
#1 there is the reason that I do not love you anymore. It's a valid reason to want a divorce.
#2 what benefit is there for me to stay married to you? None
#3 why should I stay married to you? Do you do anything for me? No
#4 we don't need to talk about this over and over if you keep promising the same **** and breaking it. Also another valid reason for divorce.
#5 I'm tired of your ****
#6 you want to stay married for the sake of what? The kids? No. They'll be happier once I'm happier
What more is there to talk about? Nothing. You broke a deal and it's over. Plain and simple. You want to work on it? Too late. You want to talk it out? Too late. You you you. You want everything to work out for YOU. Nothing you do is for ME. So I want to do something for myself and be rid of something that weighs me down- that's YOU!
Everything I've done since our marriage was for her. I've always put her and the kids first... This was out last communication via text and I didn't respond.
I don't understand how somebody you've loved for so long can flip a switch and hold the anger for so long. I don't understand if she wants it a divorce so bad and be rid of me why hasn't she done anything yet to follow through.
There are certain parts of me that wants to end it already, but I'm worried for the kids and want them to stay in the house which I know my wife couldn't afford on a single income. It doesn't feel like my wife has thought of the consequences of divorce. Being able to see the kids only partially and the disposition of the house. A part of me is in peace at least I still get you see my kids everyday and sleep next to them every night.
The possible cheating- my wife has been pretty hardcore into playing pokemon go and I know she's met some other players online that play together and chat about it. At first I thought was innocent enough. When I did have access to her phone it seemed like the chats we're about playing so I wasn't worried. I kept checking and I noticed she met a guy for lunch but the conversation seemed still innocent although not about the game anymore. Then my wife changed her phone passcode and I couldn't access anymore but I could see what the new messages were from notifications. Although no solid evidence, but from the bits I was able to see from the other guy. it feels like the they're conversing a lot closer than just players sharing a same interest and they meet in person. Also think my wife has been shaving, even though she has no reason to. She usually just grooms when we know we will have a special occasion.... Since she uses a chat app that uses data for calls and texts which doesn't show up on cell phone records. Pretty much no way to tell or get evidence unless I find out her passcode.
Sorry for the long post. I just don't know know what to do anymore. My priority is to keep family together and not affect the kids. I know most people will say file and move on. But a part of me wants to tell her to think about the house, the kids, before she does anything she'll regret, short of accusing her since I don't have solid evidence. Hoping she would stop and actually think?
Sorry it's late and I'm just rambling. Can provide more details if anyone cares.
Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk