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Hello, I'm new here and looking for advice.

my husband and I have been married for 23 years, together 25. we have 2 teenage boys. we met senior year when we worked together. We dated about 6 months before he left for the military. He asked me to wait for him before he left and I agreed. He was gone for 2 years before we got married, I saw him I think about 4 or 5 times during the 2 years. We of course talked on the phone and wrote letters during this time.

Before I moved out to where was stationed he asked if a friend of his could move in with us. He was getting kicked out of the military and was dating a girl there, who was in high school, that he didn’t want to leave. I told him no, that it was going to be enough of an adjustment to move half way across the country, move in and marry him let alone live with someone I didn’t even know. he didn't let him move in which surprised me because he usually put his friends first. he

we didn't have a big wedding because one, we didn't have the money and two he didn't want one. we got married at the court house where he was stationed. his mom and sister were there but none of my family. Our first few years were a little rough. We fought a lot, usually about his drinking and staying out all night. Even after we were married he put his friends first. He would go hang out with them all night, after sleeping most of the day, playing games and drinking. he usually wouldn’t let me go, not that I really wanted to. he would go to the dorms and drink or have them over to our apartment, all night long, drinking and smoking. I had to be up at 5 a.m. for work. One of our first big fights he threw me out the door of our apartment and locked me out. Winter time, no shoes or coat and it was snowing. Of course I had thrown a plate at him, a decorative plate, maybe the size of the bottom of a coke can. He left me out there forever. The neighbor upstairs heard me crying and came to get me. I called him from their apartment and he agreed to let me back in. His 21st bday he never came home until late, drunk, no idea where he had been. He went skiing, he was stationed where there were mountains. he wouldn’t let me go. Wouldn’t take me to picnics his squadron had, even though families were invited.

After 2 years we moved back home and we stayed with his mom. While we were staying there we had some issues. One night he got picked up by the police, I forget why exactly. He was out with one of his old high school friends, drinking of course. I think it was disturbing the peace or something. They were out walking. Then another night he went out with another friend drinking and never came home. No call, nothing. Apparently this guy hooked up with a girl and went home with her and took my husband with them. He also had my husband take off his wedding ring while they were out because it was cramping his style I guess. We were still living with his mom and when I heard her & his sister up for school I went downstairs. She was not pleased he hadn’t come home. When he did show up, not long after, instead of apologizing he was pissed that I was up and mad because he was out all night.

almost every time he did hang out with his friends or his dad he would usually end up drinking, even after we had our oldest. I still remember a couple nights we were out, once at his dad’s, another at his friend’s house and our oldest was a baby still and needed to go home. it was late and past his bedtime. Of course we couldn’t leave though because he wasn’t ready to. Didn’t matter that his baby was tired and cranky, he wasn’t done partying. Eventually he did stop drinking so much. I would say this was due to his friends getting married and settling down with their own families. He doesn’t drink too much now, but I still dread when he does because you never know how he will behave.

he worked shift work for several years. When he was on days he would get home from work then sleep on the couch for several hours. On second shift he would sleep until he had just enough time to get up, shower and leave. Midnights he would sleep most of the day, get up, then go back to sleep on the couch. He had always done this, slept all day and stay up all night. So the boys didn’t get to see him much. He was also extremely moody when he worked at this company. The employees ended up being locked out over contract negotiations. lI started working 12 hour shifts on the weekend and was babysitting through the week. He was home with the boys on the weekend and I believe he slept most of the day while I was at work. our oldest was 4, youngest 1. I remember one night our youngest was sick and wouldn’t sleep. I was up with him all night except a couple hours then went and worked 12. my husband was out of work but wouldn’t stay up with him, said to just let him cry. Said it was my fault I didn't get sleep.

He was insistent the boys go to a private school, didn’t think the local school district was good enough. Which honestly I was a little concerned about it too, more for the some of the social aspects than the education. We were supposed to take the boys to church since they were at a Christian school and he left it up to me to do so. I did for awhile but they fought me on it. He didn’t want to go. The school was fine at first. our kids went on scholarship and the tuition kept going up and we ended up having to pay the difference. it got rather expensive. they were always wanting money for one thing or another.

When it comes to the boys, I do probably 95% of the stuff for them. Conferences, doctor appointments, changing diapers when they were babies, bathing them, caring for them when they were sick, etc. If he did do anything he would complain about it. He’s finally stepping up with like some of the doctor appointments, but not without some complaint.

I don't feel like I have a husband, just a roommate. He sleeps on the couch every night. He's done this a good portion of our marriage. I can't do housework because it could wake him. Can't hear TV over the snoring. He basically does nothing around the house. Yeah he will occasionally pick up some trash from the living room and put the recycling in the bin or fold the towels. That's helpful but I could use more. Basically he never leaves the couch. does everything on it, eats, sleeps, help with homework, etc. Just seeing him on it really irritates me anymore. He used to cut the grass until our oldest got big enough now he does absolutely nothing. I know he works and his job is physical but come on. I work full-time too and I'm expected to rush home, start cooking dinner and do whatever else needs done. If I make simple stuff too often I can tell he's not happy. he doesn't cook and never has. Even if we eat out I usually have to go pick it up.

last year my youngest started telling me that my husband just ignores me, that I'm just his cleaning lady, that he'd be happier if I would just divorce him. He also said my husband is my brain, that i can't think for myself. Honestly that is how I feel and it really irritates me my son picked up on it. I can't make decisions about anything with worrying what my husband will say or how he will react. He acts like I'm stupid sometimes. I have some health issues and my doctor had ordered a stress test. we ended up with a bill around$600 for it, which could be put on a payment plan. he was pissed at me. He was like you just had one not even a year ago, this isn't something people get done every year. It was the doctor's decision to do it, not mine, because of an incident I had. He told me to leave the room, that he didn't even want to see me.

He complains alot and can be very negative a lot of the time. He has a bad temper. I always dread when he tries to do home repairs or we're out and he's driving. something almost always pisses him off.

When he's not *****ing he's either ignoring me or irritating me. He likes to call me stupid names or sing retarded songs about me. The only time he would touchme was to flip my lips, which I absolutely hated, or poke me in the ribs. He got too rough when he does this stuff and usually ended up hurting me. He says I'm a baby. He also used to always talking about whipping me. That is so not my thing. one day he tried to do it. Forced me over on to my stomach on the couch and knees on the floor. granted to him he was just playing around but he was way to rough. I was having a really bad day that day and I broke down and started crying. He still did it and really hard. Didn't apologize, got mad at me for crying.

He expects me to wait on him. I'll say I am going to bed and he'll ask what I'm going to get him to eat first. Or he will tell me to go out late at night and get him something. He will bug me to no end to get his way. He sits around the house in his underwear, so getting him to go do something is almost impossible. I always had to go get our oldest from work. He would say I was already dressed so why should he go. or that he could walk home. it was winter.

He's always asking me what I want to do. Doesn't matter what I say, he really doesn't want to do anything it's just to aggravate me.

He never tells me he loves me. I usually have to say it first. Never touches me except to bother me. Thinks it's ok to leave without telling me where he is going or say bye. Hangs up on me when he gets mad. Doesn't answer the phone or respond to texts because it irritates him to be on the phone. I seriously have to think if I want to text him or call him because he will be annoyed. We go months without having sex. I think the longest was around 8 or 9 months. He will turn me down. Told me once that I ****ing bore him. So I gave up trying. This will sound awful but I feel the only thing he contributes to the marriage is money. he is always *****ing about money.

I have been unhappy for a long time. l'm at a point in my life where I want to be independent, in charge of myself. I want to be happy and I just don't think that's possible if I stay with my husband. I told him I wanted a divorce. he accused me of having a mental disorder and was very manipulative in getting me to stay and give him a chance. it's been a few months and not a whole lot has changed. I really think it's time to move on
 

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I’m sorry but SERIOUSLY? I couldn’t get all the way through this post before red flags were flying. Let’s see: physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse, lazy entitled pr*ck, bully...do I need to go on? Reread your post please, give your head a good shake and then RUN,don’t walk to a lawyer. I think you have enough here for a restraining order. You are teaching your children it’s ok to be treated or treat others this way. If not for yourself then please for your children: DITCH THIS PIECE OF DIRT PRONTO.
 

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With the whipping, it seems like he is escalating the controlling, abusive actions towards you.
Can you get to a woman's shelter or domestic abuse location? What he is doing is NOT normal and your kids are learning from him/you what is acceptable in a marriage. DO NOT accept this anymore.
If he touches you like that again, call 911. I'm amazed you stayed with him when you were young with him out all night carousing with his friends.
Even his mother/sisters should have seen what a **** he was being.

Don't tell him you want a divorce this time -- get with a few lawyers, find out what you need in terms of finances, child support, etc., MAKE YOUR PLANS, and then just have the divorce papers served to him. Sounds like you might need to get a restraining order against him as well.

VERY sorry you are going through this.
 

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Are you posting here to get permission to leave? Are you asking if things are really that bad?

I don't understand what you saw in this man to begin with. He is an abuser and your children are being subjected to this environment. You have a personal responsibility to protect them.

When did the whipping incident happen? Do you realize that is physical abuse and your cried because he was hurting you, which is a normal response to abuse? Are there any other incidents where he has physically forced you to do something? Are there other incidents where he has struck you? Are you afraid?
 

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With the whipping, it seems like he is escalating the controlling, abusive actions towards you.
Can you get to a woman's shelter or domestic abuse location? What he is doing is NOT normal and your kids are learning from him/you what is acceptable in a marriage. DO NOT accept this anymore.
If he touches you like that again, call 911. I'm amazed you stayed with him when you were young with him out all night carousing with his friends.
Even his mother/sisters should have seen what a **** he was being.

Don't tell him you want a divorce this time -- get with a few lawyers, find out what you need in terms of finances, child support, etc., MAKE YOUR PLANS, and then just have the divorce papers served to him. Sounds like you might need to get a restraining order against him as well.

VERY sorry you are going through this.
Agreed. PLEASE be careful. Do this quietly with the help of a domestic violence group or shelter. You must make your exit clean and without confrontation, preferably when he is not home. They will advise you. Do NOT think you got this, or that he wouldn’t....(insert here). He’s a trigger waiting to be pulled, and you and the kids could get hurt. I won’t go into the gory details, but I’ve seen this in my own inner circle. Please do this right, but do it soon. The whipping was the line crossed. It’s all downhill from here. These things do not get better. Trust me. For your kids sake...
 

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I read this post and all I'll add is that it's a shame that some of the ***holes like your husband don't get involved with the ***hole cheaters, give each other all they deserve and just set the world aright again.
 

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Sweetie, you need to safely plan your exit, and D before you or kids are hurt.

A younger me would say find someone to give him an as$$ whupping with the divorce papers, but I withhold that particular advice.
 
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