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Threesome in Marriage

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24K views 72 replies 46 participants last post by  maquiscat 
#1 ·
My husband and I have been together for 13 years and started dating when we were both 15/16years old. We've both only ever had sex and done anything sexual with each other.
Our sex life has recently spiced up and we've talked about potentially having a threesome, with a girl and then another with a guy.
I'm just wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation to us (being each others first and only's) that has had a threesome and how did you feel about it afterwards?
 
#2 ·
There are probably going to be more experienced posters on other sites and forums about this topic.

Do you have kids?

There are a lot of dangers with this and you have to consider the risk it will present to your family and your marriage.

There are at least as many disaster stories as success or meh stories about sharing.

You two also have something pretty rare and you might want to consider cherishing it.:smile2:
 
#10 ·
Do you have kids?
MummaOf2

Sorry, Conan, but I chuckled when I saw your question!

Back to OP, who is the one advocating for the threesomes, you or him? If it's both, who is more eager?

There are people who claim success at this, and there are absolute horror stories, and all points in between.

If you guys insist on doing this, wait until the kids are grown and out of the house so the likely (though not guaranteed) downward spiral of your marriage won't affect them as much.
 
#3 ·
"We've both only ever had sex and done anything sexual with each other.
Our sex life has recently spiced up"
Be GRATEFUL that this is the case, and that you can spice up your sex life JUST BETWEEN the two of you.
Adding a third to a marriage is usually a VERY bad idea. There are some (on here -- I'm sure they will guide you if you really want this) that have done it successfully, but I think for the most part, most marriages do NOT survive this.

Please just enjoy the both of you -- just because you haven't had sex with others means NOTHING. As long as you are having great sex between yourselves, don't let curiosity kill the cat....
 
#5 · (Edited)
@MummaOfTwo I suppose it is technically possible that a married couple with children who have sex with other people at the same time may not blow their marriage up.

It's also technically possible that Unicorns may, actually, exist.

However, if I was asked to lay a bet on either option, I'd feel more confident betting on the existence of Unicorns, to be honest.

Look, it might work out OK, but it probably won't.

So... why risk everything for a few minutes of (dubious) pleasure?
 
#6 ·
My husband and I have been together for 13 years and started dating when we were both 15/16years old. We've both only ever had sex and done anything sexual with each other.
Our sex life has recently spiced up and we've talked about potentially having a threesome, with a girl and then another with a guy.
I'm just wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation to us (being each others first and only's) that has had a threesome and how did you feel about it afterwards?
Then why ruin it?
 
#7 ·
I preface my response by saying I have no experience engaging in threesomes or any other scenario where a 3rd (or more) outsiders are invited into the marital bed. Having said that, I think it takes a special kind of person to get into a swinging lifestyle. IMHO, you have limited upside gain and significant downside risk of screwing up your marriage. Simple questions to ponder first off (IMHO) would be 1) How would you feel if it looks like your husband is getting more pleasure from the 3rd person than you are able to give him? 2) How do you think your husband would feel if you are more into the 3rd person than your husband during the encounter?

I freely admit that I could not handle seeing another man - or even another woman - rocking my wife's world. Even if at the end of the day we could objectively say that I am still better at getting her off - the fact that she might get enjoyment from someone else other than me would not be good for me to see. I know that my wife has zero interest in threesomes to begin with so in my case it's a moot point. But I know myself enough to know that I couldn't handle it. Frankly, I want it all from my wife. If we're going to share a life with all the ups and downs, then I get exclusive rights to her when it comes to sex. I'm not sharing intimacy with anyone when it comes to my wife!

Most likely, you and your husband have similar feelings - even if you THINK that you are enlightened enough to transcend our baser human instincts. You cannot outrun your own biology.

JMHO
 
#15 · (Edited)
I preface my response by saying I have no experience engaging in threesomes or any other scenario where a 3rd (or more) outsiders are invited into the marital bed. Having said that, I think it takes a special kind of person to get into a swinging lifestyle. IMHO, you have limited upside gain and significant downside risk of screwing up your marriage. Simple questions to ponder first off (IMHO) would be 1) How would you feel if it looks like your husband is getting more pleasure from the 3rd person than you are able to give him? 2) How do you think your husband would feel if you are more into the 3rd person than your husband during the encounter?

I freely admit that I could not handle seeing another man - or even another woman - rocking my wife's world. Even if at the end of the day we could objectively say that I am still better at getting her off - the fact that she might get enjoyment from someone else other than me would not be good for me to see. I know that my wife has zero interest in threesomes to begin with so in my case it's a moot point. But I know myself enough to know that I couldn't handle it. Frankly, I want it all from my wife. If we're going to share a life with all the ups and downs, then I get exclusive rights to her when it comes to sex. I'm not sharing intimacy with anyone when it comes to my wife!

Most likely, you and your husband have similar feelings - even if you THINK that you are enlightened enough to transcend our baser human instincts. You cannot outrun your own biology.
If
JMHO
Exactly this, and as another poster has said who is promoting this possibility! Not casting any stones but since you posted you may have a hidden agenda for another man. And you already have sights on the man/woman already.

In regards to your new spice, is it possible that you give the girl to your husband. Only to get your scratch iched. I know some men would without much thought agree to sex with another woman(strange), but when push comes to shove and he see's you all sweaty and wet with the other man ( who just happens to be hung quite well moreso than himself).

That is when the party starts and if he is some typical guy who likes to make his way in the world , he will possibly know he could never measure up in his own mind to meet your desires while you were F***ing the other dude, so vocal and moaning he has never heard from you. And getting banged by. ( JACKHAMMER RICK) would you ever be normal again.

No but hell no!, is this not for the novice or weak. Or then maybe this is your way or his way to fulfill a dark motive somewhere deep.

As wife and husband do get into some kind of kink, but keep that kink between you two only... As it has been said more in my time.

"Don't believe that the grass is greener else where, it just looks that way from a distance because the weeds fill the bare spots".

Tilted
 
#11 ·
Do you honestly believe you would be ok with watching another woman (or dude) ride your Husband? How about if during the threesome your H is paying more attention to the 3rd person than you? What happens if either of you develop feelings for the extra player? Is the something both of you want, or is it just one of you that is pushing this?

I am sure there are several folks here who can give you more insight into an open marriage (MarriedButHappy, etc...), so I can't offer anything with regards to the actual lifestyle. Just wondering if you have given some serious thoughts to the questions above?
 
#12 ·
Do yourselves a major favor and DON'T. Sorry, I see a lot of divorce, and the number of times that this kind of behavior has gotten out of hand is more than enough to convince me that it is counter-intuitive in the commission of a good marriage. It opens the door to cheating behavior. I have rarely seen a couple that could compartmentalize this effectively. If, as you say you were and are each other's firsts, you do not want to add outside influences to your bedroom. I have known swingers. I won't say it never fails, but the instance of marital breakdown is in my experience very high.
 
#13 ·
If you were happy with the idea of a threesome you wouldn’t be here asking questions.
Who’s idea was this, if it was your husbands then you should insist on having a mmf first because I can’t see any man being happy about another man screwing his wife and maybe giving her a night she never had before. What’s the odds he wants another woman in your bed and then refuses to let you get your turn.
 
#25 ·
Actually, the answer to the above question as to whose idea this was is covered in an earlier post from the OP in 2017 entitled "Hall Pass" - see below:

Sorry if this sounds more like a blog post, but anyway..

I met my husband, my high school sweetheart, when I was 16 and we started dating shortly after. When we were 20 we moved into our first house together, the following year our first child was born and the year after that we were married, with our second child born two years later. We had a very busy couple of years!

Now if you had of told me 10 years ago, or even 2 years ago, that I'd be writing this, I'd have called you crazy. But slowly over the last few years something in me has changed. My needs have changed. My wants have changed. And suddenly all the things I wanted in life don't seem like enough.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my children, I wouldn't change them for anything. To get married and have kids was all I ever wanted, all I ever wished for. I'm incredibly grateful and feel very blessed every single day to have them.

But...

I can't help but wonder, not about how my life would be different had I not gotten married young but I wonder and I'm curious about the experiences that I missed. By the time I was old enough to drink legally, we'd already been in a relationship for 2 years, one that I considered pretty serious. While I enjoyed a few nights out with friends, drinking and dancing, it wasn't something that I was really into. At the time, I never felt like I was missing out on that lifestyle and truly never thought I would. I was on the track to having the big things in life that I wanted and I couldn't be happier.

For as long as I can remember, all I wanted to be was a mum and at the time, that was enough for me. Had you asked what I wanted to do career wise, I would have replied with "to be a mum." Sure I had hobbies but I just thought being a mum to small children would last forever and that was more then okay with me.

When our first child was born, I managed relatively well. There were definitely hard days though in hindsight, those "hard days" were a walk in the park now that I have two children. When my second came along, I eventually felt different. It began slowly and not enough for anyone else to notice, but I did. My hormones changed. My moods changed. I was snappy and stressed, my patience wore thin and eventually it became non existent. I longed for a break. I fell into bad habits, I gained weight and somewhat stopped putting effort into my appearance and myself. Everything I did became about my children. I existed to be a mother.

Again, I don't regret my decisions but somewhere along the way I lost me. I lost who I was. I eventually lost some weight and started to feel like the old me again, I went from someone who had no interest in going out with friends, to someone who craved some freedom. I wanted to go out and I wanted to go out drinking and dancing. I wanted to have fun. Fun for myself, to let loose and for one night not stress about my children and their futures and things that were wrong. I realised that my life matters and that I can be a good mother but also that there was more to my life. I didn't have to JUST be a mum. I was allowed to do things for myself as well.

So I did. It wasn't often but when I had the opportunity, I went out with my new found confidence and I had some fun.

After a while, I started to notice the desire I had for attention. To be noticed. To be chased. I'd never experienced this in high school before meeting my now husband and obviously never got to experience this during my early 20s, or now. But I craved it. I wanted to be sought out in a crowd, I wanted to feel the lusty feeling, I wanted to talk to someone over loud music, as much as one can anyway and get to know the basic things about them. I wanted to flirt and be flirted with. I wanted someone to touch my hips for the first time. I wanted to dance with someone, dirty dance. I wanted those firsts again. It wasn't about sex, I had no interest in that with anyone else but my husband. But I did want to kiss them. I wanted to feel a sexual attraction to someone, I wanted a stranger to want to kiss me. I just wanted a one off, random hook up with an attractive man I'd just met who had a desire to want to kiss me back.

I never wanted to be a cheater and I still don't want to be that person. I don't want to give in to temptation and hurt my husband like that and be ridden with guilt for the rest of my life. But I wanted something, not just for me but for him too. I know there are things I can't do for him, needs that I don't meet and I have to wonder if he feels like he's missed out on anything too. I hope there is because I don't know if that makes me a bad person if it's all just one sided. What I realised I wanted was a hall pass, not for sex, just to kiss someone else. I wanted it to be mutual, agreed on, something we were both absolutely okay with. I wouldn't want to know what he decided to do with his night of freedom, I just wanted to set some ground rules and that be it. One night, no guilt. To experience what we missed.

But how do you even bring such a thing up. How do you tell your husband this without hurting their feelings. And what if he doesn't feel the same? Where does that leave things. I know his views on cheating and I know it's not a thing he would tolerate and I fear that my asking would not end well. But I also know that I'll only be young for so long and right now I'm upset for what I've missed out on. And I wholeheartedly worry about how this will effect me in 10 or 20 years time. I don't want to ever hold resentment but I also fear it's possible.

So my question is, is this something you and your partner would ever consider? And if it's something you've done, how on earth do you bring it up with them. I really feel like this is affecting me, I just can't get it off my mind...
I think it is the OP that has got the "itch" and not necessarily her husband.

From what she has been saying from as far back as 2017 is "I got with my husband way too young and I would like to experience other lovers etc". It seems like this is going to destroy your marriage and just maybe, you do not really care and are ready to make the move. I cannot say for sure without knowing more from you, OP. However, you do need to be honest here as we are an anonymous (safe) forum for you to share your thinking. You may get flamed for it but you will also get advice that is worth taking note of.

So, first question: do you want it more than your husband ?
Second: Would you be OK with losing your marriage (eventually) over it ?
Third: Is there a possibility that you would be jealous seeing your husband with another woman ?
Fourth: What has your husband said about seeing you with another man ?
Fifth: Did you offer the threesome with another woman first so that your husband cannot back down from what you really want which is sex with another man ?
Sixth: In your old post, you mentioned that you decided to go out and have fun (without your husband knowing about it) - have you cheated on him in any way ?

You also say that it wasn't about sex in your old post but then in the same post, you say that you wanted a one night hookup and now, in your current post, it is only about sex!!!

So you have wanted sex outside your marriage and still do. Does your hubby really feel the same or are you encouraging him along, telling him it will be great?
 
#14 ·
MOT,

Normally from what I've read one partner feels left out or jealous.

There is also a good chance two people will feel they have better chemistry and fall in love and then fall out of love with their spouse.

I've been offered a 3some twice and thought better of it, I ended up advising the one lady to work on her relationship as introducing new people can create chaos.

There's also the issue of the life long bond you are making with an outsider and possibly blackmail.
 
#17 ·
@MummaOfTwo Generally speaking of people on this forum most are struggling to reconcile a problematic marriage, trying to recover from infidelity, or move on in life after a divorce.

I'll quote an old friend of mine that was once invited to "play" with another couple. He could not help but to notice that when he asked the husband of this couple if he could ride his motorcycle that the guy immediately said, "sorry only I ride that motorcycle!" He thought to himself that this husband must care more about his motorcycle than he does for his wife. Now think about that for a moment would you!
 
#18 ·
We've had plenty of experience with threesomes, and for us they have been tremendous fun. Not everyone has a good experience - usually due to jealousy. That can happen if you try to repeat the experience with the same person more than a few times, or if you later decide you can each play alone without your spouse.

in your scenario, not having had sexual experience with anyone else, the idea is riskier. You don't have a baseline to know how to deal with other partners (most people have past experiences to draw on to help a little in this regard when having a new partner). If you decide to go ahead, be sure you read about this kind of arrangement on swinger forums, and discuss with each other all the possible scenarios and how you'd feel if anything does not go according to plan, or if you feel badly afterwards. Can you both deal with possible issues?
 
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#19 ·
You have obviously been thinking about this for quite some time based upon your previous post here.

To what level have you and your husband openly discussed this?

As other posters have pointed out, historically, and I've been here over a decade, those that detail threesome experiences are generally NOT good outcomes. There are a few contributors that have brought others into their sex lives, without grave consequence ... but they are very few, and very far between.

Suffice to say, I hope you and your husband can find a solution to 'scratch that itch' without jeopardizing your marriage. First simple truth you can be honest about with one another, is that should you choose to pursue this fantasy, you do so at tremendous risk to your family.

In terms of audience ... you aren't going to find a lot of supporters for inviting others into your sexual experience on a site where many are trying to recover from infidelity or looking for ways to strengthen a floundering marriage.
Certainly not telling you you can't post, or ask questions ... but responses are always going to be colored by experience.
 
#23 ·
If you choose to engage in this, and it goes sideways, there's no going back. It's a gamble, and statistically, not one you're likely to win. And as with gambling, never put anything on the table you're not prepared and willing to lose.

So I'll ask, are you prepared to lose your marriage over this? Is your husband a good trade for a few novel sexual experiences, that you might not even enjoy?
 
#24 ·
My husband and I have been together for 13 years and started dating when we were both 15/16years old. We've both only ever had sex and done anything sexual with each other.

Our sex life has recently spiced up and we've talked about potentially having a threesome, with a girl and then another with a guy.

I'm just wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation to us (being each others first and only's) that has had a threesome and how did you feel about it afterwards?
As both poly and a swinger, I will enforce all that has been said about being careful with this. If poly or open has not been your thing, you are going to be entering into choppy waters.

I have compared mono/poly/open to sexuality in terms of the types of people there are. There are the monogamous people, comparable to straights. They are the more default and common. Even when they accept that it is possible to love more than one person simultaneously, they can only deal with one such relationship at a time. Then you have the poly/open people, akin the the gay types. Less common, but they "need" the multiple relationships. I quote need because no one actually needs a relationship to survive, and they are happy if they only have the one for now. Finally the bi types, who can be happy with either monogamy or poly/open. And since open is about sex, and poly about the emotional relationship, one can be emotionally monogamous while being sexually open.

Now to your issue. Definitely take the time to talk and be honest with one another. If either of you does this for the other but doesn't really want to (as opposed to being honestly indifferent to it), it will eventually turn against you. If you think any jealousy issues are coming up or could arise, see a relationship councilor. Jealousy usually isn't a cause, but the symptom of another issue. There is a podcast or two specifically on that issue that I can point you to if you want

Before jumping into seeking a third, play or relationship, consider joining a swinging group or a kink group, and being in that a while first. First, these will be people who have likely already traveled this road and might have practical advice. Secondly, you can start attending play parties and similar events, when you can ease into the comfort of being around other people in more intimate situations. There are plenty of kinksters who are monogamous, believe it or not. So not playing with a person other than your spouse is as common as doing so. Plus, even if you don't go with the threesome, you have a chance to learn other activities to spice up your love life.

Good luck and I hope things work for you one way or another.

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk
 
#27 ·
I just wish you could appreciate how special and precious what you have is. Both of you being your one and only.
Why would you want to risk loosing your husband and marriage for this? IF you have children even more so, why risk destroying their lives? My advise, make your marriage and sex life with your husband the best it can be and be thankful for what you have.
 
#28 ·
I’ve never done that. As others have stated, it is risky. If you do a threesome, your husband will see you getting far greater enjoyment from the other man than you ever got from him. Plus, you may start secretly seeing the other man on the side once you’ve had a taste.

If you date a man separately, you will feel “new relationship energy” (NRE) and everything about that relationship will be far better than what you have with your husband, including the sex. He will probably know a lot of techniques your H doesn’t know, different positions, and perhaps a larger penis. And he may want to take you from your husband. (And, if you leave your H, he will then dump you.)

It could work out but it might not. It’s a gamble.
 
#71 ·
I have to agree with this. I was once the single in a threesome for an engaged couple. The woman was bi - the guy was probably just trying to go along to please her. They were both extremely hot - and I was probably in the hottest shape of my life at 33. It was an incredible experience but I found it somewhat confusing as I really didn't know who to do what to. I did my best but I'm sure I wasn't the most exciting for the woman since I'm not gay and really didn't know much about touching her. The guy was a wonderful lover and banged me really well. They seemed pleased but at the end and sat with their arms wrapped around each other. I was very much the third wheel and left by giving them the thought that I hoped to have such a warm relationship as they have some day. When I went home, I remember feeling quite empty, unsure if I had given them what they were looking for. I didn't have sex with them again. The woman was someone I worked with and we went about our lives as if nothing had happened, of course. I'm sure she was, at the time, closeted bi.
 
#31 ·
If one must seek outside counsel they probably aren't secure enough in in themselves, or their belief in each other to participate.

Before modern morality it was common place.

As one, who in the past, has had them; from experience they can increase the intimacy of a couple.

However if the relationship isn't an open book, that is no secret resentments, insecurities etc., best to stay away from it.

If neither of you could look at someone attractive on the street and tell your spouse they look hot without the other getting upset, defensive, insecure forget it.
 
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#32 ·
Hypothetically:

How do you know that the woman may turn out to have a vag made of pure sunshine, and he ends up wanting more, and more, and pretty soon he's going back for thirds behind your back?

What would happen if the guy you choose turns out to have the rod of Zeus and makes you climax so hard and so many times you pass out from screaming your lungs out and your husband's penis climbs up inside him and wraps itself around his kidneys in shame and disgrace... never to appear again?

Too many variables. Too many unknowns. You trust each other right? That trust is based off what you know. It is what you don't know about yourself, and him, that comes back to bite you in the asses.
 
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