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My husband and I have been together for 4 years now and he hasn't been sexual or affectionate for the last year and a half. We have a mutual friend that I know he has a attraction to .. I've called it a infatuation in the past a few times. I ended up having a threesome with him and her and actually let him have sex with her ( our past threesomes that wasn't allowed it was supposed to be saved for him and I only ..afterwards) it wasn't for long and he didn't climax but I had hoped he got it out of his system and we could now move on past this. Since thus happened though he still hasn't touched me. We had a long talk about me needing to feel something from him and he was supposed to show me different actions to prove his love was for only me, but still nothing. I recently saw messages between him and this friend of ours. She was on her way to our house to spend the night and he started the messages by asking her to please come over and have some sexy fun and actually progressed to saying he didn't know what to do about me anymore and maybe he should get his own place. I confronted him about these messages and he deleted FB and messenger and promised no more contact with her without me knowing all about it. I do truly believe he hasn't had contact but I'm still disturbed and all screwed up about the while situation. He swears he loves me and I'm his world but I don't see this in any of his actions. I know i deserve better than this and I'm a beautiful woman who still has men flirt with me and hit on me. I just really want him but I have to feel wanted and needed and right now I feel used and cheated. Oh yah did I happen to mention thus woman is 16 years younger than us .. Definitely doesn't help with my insecurities and already low self esteem. I need advice of any kind to help me figure out where to go from here
 

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It sounds to me that there are serious deeper issues with the relationship and this threesome was just a band-aid to try to fix things - obviously it backfired. I think you'll need marriage counseling to make any progress towards fixing the underlying issues, whatever they are. However, it may also lead to ending your relationship. Either way, I think it would be better than the uncertainty.

As an aside, I think threesomes, etc., are great in whatever combination when the relationship is truly solid. They can't fix a problematical relationship and will probably make things worse.
 
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Definitely doesn't help with my insecurities and already low self esteem. I need advice of any kind to help me figure out where to go from here
Best answer:

Your husband does not desire you, that is clear.

You say you are still attractive, start with that, alone, and divorced.

What will become clear is that a good man will find you attractive and will frequently take you to bed.

Your insecurities will disappear, that problem solved.,

....................................................................

2nd answer:

Find yourself a compatible FWB, a friend with benefits, see him/her on the side.

This answer will see him doing the same, with both of you soon divorced.
 
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These threesomes are just a way for him to shop for your replacement without first leaving you. Wise up.

Why do you think your husband wants to stay with you even though he can't get it up for you anymore? Is it financial? Are you his maid and servant? Are you so beautiful he just wants people to think everything is hunky dory with you and envy him? What is it?
 

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I get not all couples are open to this sort if thing ..we have done this in the past and everything worked out fine
I would have to respectably disagree.
When one is having problems with their spouse being affectionate to them, it seems somewhat counterproductive to hook them up with a "Competitor."
The boy is probably somewhat confused.
You apparently have some competition if they were (or still are) messaging each other independent of you.
Best for you to get your s**t shorted, put your big girl pants on, dust off your "A" game, and get back into the game.
Then get some therapy for each of you, as well as a marriage counselor for both of you.
 

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I get not all couples are open to this sort if thing ..we have done this in the past and everything worked out fine
I AM open to this sort of thing - but the supreme caveat here is any kind of consensual nonmonogamy can only work when the couple is in a good place and all systems are working fine without any issues with connection, desire, sexual compatibility, communication, mutual respect etc etc

Bringing a 3rd party into the marital bed if there are any issues with connection or sexual desire and compatibility is like throwing a keg of gunpowder into a fire.

Nonmonogamy is like wind on a fire. If the flame is well seated and burning strong, a wind will make it burn hotter and more intensely.

But if the flame is weak and flickering, it will snuff it out.

You have some basic and significant problems in the very foundation of your relationship. You need to address and correct those before even considering bringing other people into your bed.
 

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I honestly don't know exactly what I'm doing on here yet just going through alot of BS in my relationship and looking for advice
It's good to sometimes to throw things out and chat, or vent, to gain differing perspectives.

Use what helps, throw out the rest.
 

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I get not all couples are open to this sort if thing ..we have done this in the past and everything worked out fine
Yes but in your own words the past threesomes didn't involve him having sex as it was reserved for you with him. This time it was different on top of having other problems in the marriage. You allowed it to happen and now there is no trust or intimacy in the marriage - two significant problems. Only counseling may be able to address these issues and only if both of you are willing.
 

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A threesome is a way to cheat without “cheating.” It’s a way to open the marriage so the person making the request can have relationships outside the marriage. If those go well, they’re gone.

When threesome request is made, the marriage is over.

Divorce while you’re still beautiful. He’s already gone, your marriage is Weekend at Bernie’s right now. The other woman can snap her young fingers and he will be gone.
 

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i can understand your confusion.
you THOUGHT he would be turned on by a threesome, and your enthusiastic support.
now you find he wants to write you out of the script!

what went wrong is that threesomes really are for people who are either NOT MARRIED, or who have a VERY STABLE marriage...so stable that having sex with others does not rock the foundation of the marriage, nor lead to secrets/jealousy, etc.

well, the toothpaste is out of the tube, and you are not getting it back in.
how about restarting with some written ground rules. i am not an expert in such things, maybe someone here can help. but no secrets, no long term relationships (i.e. four then its done sort of thing, so you do not "fall in love", and so on.

you can not really fault your husband, because the two of you should have forged the rules of the road before you had the threesome. so do a little catch up, and hopefully it will be all good now.
 

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My husband and I have been together for 4 years now and he hasn't been sexual or affectionate for the last year and a half. We have a mutual friend that I know he has a attraction to .. I've called it a infatuation in the past a few times. I ended up having a threesome with him and her and actually let him have sex with her ( our past threesomes that wasn't allowed it was supposed to be saved for him and I only ..afterwards) it wasn't for long and he didn't climax but I had hoped he got it out of his system and we could now move on past this. Since thus happened though he still hasn't touched me. We had a long talk about me needing to feel something from him and he was supposed to show me different actions to prove his love was for only me, but still nothing. I recently saw messages between him and this friend of ours. She was on her way to our house to spend the night and he started the messages by asking her to please come over and have some sexy fun and actually progressed to saying he didn't know what to do about me anymore and maybe he should get his own place. I confronted him about these messages and he deleted FB and messenger and promised no more contact with her without me knowing all about it. I do truly believe he hasn't had contact but I'm still disturbed and all screwed up about the while situation. He swears he loves me and I'm his world but I don't see this in any of his actions. I know i deserve better than this and I'm a beautiful woman who still has men flirt with me and hit on me. I just really want him but I have to feel wanted and needed and right now I feel used and cheated. Oh yah did I happen to mention thus woman is 16 years younger than us .. Definitely doesn't help with my insecurities and already low self esteem. I need advice of any kind to help me figure out where to go from here
Well, here's my take on this:
1. Threesomes rarely work; maybe in some very rare cases, but in 99% of cases, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache.
2. If he's talking about getting his own place, he's on his way out of the marriage
3. He may have deleted FB and Messenger, but he's still in contact with this other woman. There's always email and texting.
4. If he truly loves you and is 100% committed to the marriage, he would be bending over backwards to show this to you. Actions don't necessarily speak louder than words; they go hand in hand.

What I would do is this: lay low and do some digging into things like phone records, check text messages, watch his actions like a hawk. Don't necessarily say anything to him at this point, but just keep your eyes and ears open to goings on. Get your own ducks in a row in regards to finances, lawyer, any important paperwork that you need to keep safe (passport, bank records, etc.), anything that has sentimental value to you, etc. Quietly gather those things up and squirrel them away. Have you heard of a VAR? It's a recording device that you could put in your H's car where he's likely to talk to this OW. After you have your ducks in a row, I would serve him with divorce papers.
 

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My husband and I have been together for 4 years now and he hasn't been sexual or affectionate for the last year and a half. We have a mutual friend that I know he has a attraction to .. I've called it a infatuation in the past a few times. I ended up having a threesome with him and her and actually let him have sex with her ( our past threesomes that wasn't allowed it was supposed to be saved for him and I only ..afterwards) it wasn't for long and he didn't climax but I had hoped he got it out of his system and we could now move on past this. Since thus happened though he still hasn't touched me. We had a long talk about me needing to feel something from him and he was supposed to show me different actions to prove his love was for only me, but still nothing. I recently saw messages between him and this friend of ours. She was on her way to our house to spend the night and he started the messages by asking her to please come over and have some sexy fun and actually progressed to saying he didn't know what to do about me anymore and maybe he should get his own place. I confronted him about these messages and he deleted FB and messenger and promised no more contact with her without me knowing all about it. I do truly believe he hasn't had contact but I'm still disturbed and all screwed up about the while situation. He swears he loves me and I'm his world but I don't see this in any of his actions. I know i deserve better than this and I'm a beautiful woman who still has men flirt with me and hit on me. I just really want him but I have to feel wanted and needed and right now I feel used and cheated. Oh yah did I happen to mention thus woman is 16 years younger than us .. Definitely doesn't help with my insecurities and already low self esteem. I need advice of any kind to help me figure out where to go from here
In general, adding complexity to a disfunctional relationship is only going to make matters worse. The people on this site who participate in threesomes/foursomes/group whatever will tell you straight up that adding others to a weak marriage will just break it.

Not sure how you put this mess back into the bag. Now hubby has some more fantasies that doesnt involve you.
 
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