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Discussion Starter #1
It’s so hard to know where to begin this story…

I am a cheating wife. I have been married 11 years to a man I fell head over heels for when I was 19 years old. I am now 36 and we have a 2 year old son. He has a thread here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61098-third-strike.html and I wanted to write as well, but we decided that it would be better for me to have a separate thread. His thread is definitely more concise, and covers the main issues. Mine is going to ramble on, and may be too wordy for most to read.

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With Matt, I had an absolute fated sense that this was the man I was meant to marry approximately 20 minutes into our first real conversation together. I’d seen him around, but hadn’t really interacted with him on a personal level for a few months and then when we first talked, it was instant. As I mentioned, I was 19, he was 20 and in the middle of a divorce from his first wife. I panicked, wasn’t ready for that type of emotional involvement, and we both dated other people and sort of avoided this relationship until I was 21. We’ve been together ever since.

I have always been a total workaholic. I have come to recognize over the past few months in therapy that I have a lot of self-esteem and identity issues that I bury in my job and seeking a sense of “success”. I am a music instructor at a small rural community college, direct operas for a regional company, and work as an artistic administrator for a summer program in NYC. I have always had multiple jobs at one time, and really never had any hobbies or desires for my leisure time except to do more work. I love my work and am incredibly passionate about sharing it with students, performers, and audience members. I suppose it’s like a religion, kind of.

Several years ago, Matt told me that he was unhappy in our relationship. That he felt I poured all of my passion and energy in to my job, and brought him home a zombie at night. He was absolutely right, and I was horrified that he felt so alone in our marriage. I promised that I would find more time for us, and would work on being a more present partner in our life. Shortly after we found out I was pregnant. We weren’t preventing, but it was a surprise after many years of unprotected sex. My primary doctor had just told me that I would probably have to seek fertility treatments if we really wanted a child, but apparently that was not the case.

The pregnancy and birth of our son really brought us together, gave us something new to focus on and a sense of connection that had been missing. We have come to realize in these past few months since D-Day #1 that it has been years since we had something we really enjoyed together aside from our son, which has maybe been a stopgap. Having a baby has been incredibly wonderful and difficult for me at the same time. Because my sense of “who I am” is almost completely defined by my professional ambitions/achievements, I have not been able to find a balance between life as a mom and maintaining the overwhelming schedule I built for myself pre-baby and felt/feel like I need to maintain to still be “me” beyond the baby.

Matt has always been incredibly supportive of me and my career ambitions. He understands the hectic schedule of rehearsals, the travel time, and immersion that I feel when I am mid-show. He knew that I was feeling scared of losing all I’d worked for when I became a mom, and made sure to tell/show me that he wanted me to be able to do both. He has handled a primary load of parenting much of the time, and has been willing to travel with me so that we could be together as a family.

However, that has been unsurprisingly stressful for him. As our son has grown, Matt has rightfully felt like he has continued to sacrifice things to maintain our family, and I continue to work, work, work. Over the last year, I began sensing that dissatisfaction, and didn’t know how to handle it. I was also facing comments from my mother about how lucky I was to have Matt, but they always felt like a hidden insult to indicate that I was not a good wife/mother. My sister was going through a divorce, and my mom would call to talk about her issues and it would always end up with me feeling inadequate. I let these feelings overwhelm me. I started handling it in the worst way possible, projecting my negativity onto my husband and assuming he felt the same way. When he would be frustrated or silent, I filled in the gaps with my own insecurities and identity issues. During a particularly difficult transition after I had returned from an out of town show after several weeks, he commented that “things were easier without me around” for him and our son. I was crushed and just let that single comment eat away at me, using it as verification of all the negativity that I had been projecting, instead of an isolated expression of frustration. I continued to build walls between us, because I didn’t know how to face someone that I felt resented me, and I didn’t know how to lessen my work commitments to actually help improve the situation at home. I compartmentalize like a world champion, and just shoved it all away and continued to live day to day.

The OM had entered my life as one of my students three and a half years ago. Also from the day I met him, I felt a connection – not like the I know this is the person I’m supposed to marry, like it was with Matt – but just an immediate ease and energy awareness, I guess. My best descriptor is that I feel like I am an antenna tuned to his frequency. I didn’t think anything of it in particular, I just knew that we got along and I enjoyed working with him. I have always been close to my students, I think it’s really difficult to work in an artistic environment and foster that kind of creation without a willingness to be emotionally invested in the other people and vision you share.

It has become very clear that I have substantial boundary issues. I went through a period in college where my family did not approve of my artistic pursuits, and was terribly alone. I never wanted my students to feel that way, so I have always been available for them. Several have lived in our house over the past years, and I poured my energy into being there for them when needed, instead of in my relationship at home. I have also come to realize that an important emotional factor for me is to feel “essential”. I want to feel like my work environment, relationships, whatever is different because it’s me and not someone else doing that. In previous years, I had felt that with Matt. We were united as we worked through school, found jobs, dealt with his ex-wife, etc. Gradually we began living more and more separately, and as I felt unneeded even as a parent with him, I just shut down.

The OM and I shared a close friendship. We spoke or corresponded every day, even when school was not in session. I honestly did not realize what was happening, because I routinely corresponded with many of my students on a very regular basis. Things shifted when he was no longer a student, but continued to work as an assistant with me, doing choreography for my groups and acting as a sounding board for my artistic ideas and goals. I had recently lost a colleague that was equally passionate about our creations, and I filled that void with the OM.

In April or so, Matt became concerned about my relationship with OM. I was over my head in what has been the most difficult working situation of my career to date, and desperately trying to create a successful show under near impossible conditions. My engagement at home was at an all-time low, and I had shut down communication between us (mostly unknowingly) because I didn’t want to complain about work when I believed that Matt hated me for being so focused on work. I shared instead with OM, my frustrations, fears, sadness, etc.

When Matt first approached me about having an inappropriate relationship with OM, I was shocked and absolutely in disbelief. I know that I harbored no “romantic” attachment to him, and couldn’t recognize the emotional affair that had been happening for some time because I simply saw OM as one of my best friends, an ally in my professional endeavors. I assured Matt that there was absolutely nothing between us, and I believed it to be true.

Matt wanted me to be more present with him, and I wanted to do that. I just needed to get through the show first, etc. etc. There was always something else that had to be finished before I gave my energy to him. It was terrible, and I know I hurt him with my inability to bring my energy back home.

Things shifted for OM and I in May before I left for my summer job in NYC. We were working in my office together and spoke of how we’d miss each other over the summer and were looking forward to getting back to work next fall. I stood to hug him goodbye and when I stepped back he kissed me. I was surprised, I had honestly not had any romantic thoughts/fantasies of him, and never even considered something like this a possibility. However, in that moment, I felt like I loved him and it was the culmination of a connection I had been missing. I kissed him back. We stopped and said goodbye, and I left for NYC 2 days later, while he stayed in my home as a housesitter.

We continued corresponding as normal, not referencing what had happened for several weeks. Eventually, we broached the subject, I told him that Matt and my son were the most important things to me, and he said he understood that, wanted me to be happy and just loved me anyway. It was/is despicable of me, but I craved that feeling. “Unqualified” love, or whatever. No judgment about my dedication to my jobs, no feelings of inadequacy, no wondering what he was thinking/feeling and projecting my own emotions in it’s place. We let the EA fully develop with I love yous and our communications increased, even though I was away. Gradually sexually tinged jokes/comments began to increase, and we developed a cyber affair that really exploded after my husband and son went back home from NYC and I was alone there for 3 weeks. We webcammed while drunk twice, and sent explicit messages to each other.

When I came home from NYC, I was excited to see both my husband and OM. I had invited friends/former students over that night for a welcome home party, and took the opportunity when picking up some groceries to stop by OM house and greet him. He was happy to see me and kissed me again. I was happy to see him, and yet felt uneasy at the same time, as I gradually began to realize what had passed between us over the summer and I didn’t know how to get out of that situation. We’d promised/planned/teased about a lot of things that I suddenly didn’t think I wanted to go through with, but I also didn’t want to hurt him. It was a mixed up mess for me emotionally.

That night, we had the party, I thought things were fine, and then after people had left and I was going to bed with Matt, he asked to see my FB. I knew he knew. Thus began D-Day #1. OM’s ex-girlfriend had been looking at his account without his knowledge, and passed a note to Matt, telling him about the online affair. It was an awful feeling. I confessed what had happened, let him read the messages, told him about the kissing, and told him how I felt that I was in love with two people. I immediately sent a message to the OM ending it and wanted to try to fix what had happened in my marriage.

We went to counseling, both individually and together. I continued to struggle with why I’d done what I did, why I still felt so attached to OM. I knew he was still in the area, and I knew that our affair had ruined any chance of us ever working together again. I maintained NC for approximately 2 months. Things were up and down in what I expect is typical for a recovery attempt. Then one day we saw OM walking on the road to work. It was gut-wrenching for me. All of my confusion boiled up and I felt so terrible for what I’d done to both Matt and OM. I felt responsible for ruining OM’s life, for dooming him to a crappy job and solitary existence until he made enough money to move back towards his family/friends. I knew that he had chosen to stay in our area because of me and our work (pre-affair), and I felt overwhelmingly guilty for the current condition of his life.

It ate at me for a while before I just decided to “see if he was ok”. I drove through where he worked and ordered a soda. He smiled, I smiled, and that was that. NC broken. I compartmentalized, rationalized, lied to myself and everyone around me. On my second trip through, I asked how he was, and he said fine, but bored. I decided I could at least help with the boredom, since I’d been the source of his relative entrapment, and started leaving books on his porch at home for him to read. When he was done, he’d put them back out there a week or so later, and I’d drive by and pick them up. It was stupid and non-sensical, but I felt like he’d know I was sorry for his situation, cared, and wanted his life to be better.

I was still struggling in my relationship with Matt (I’m sure you’re thinking, no duh!) to open back up and find a connection between us that was more than roommates/parenting. I allowed my feelings for OM to fester, to cloud my thinking and perception of what I was working on. After 3 months of roller coaster recovery, I was still feeling lost, lacking a sense of self, and discouraged whether Matt and I were making any progress. Matt had made a comment a while back about hoping I would find my epiphany and rediscover what made me happy and made me me again, and I started to wonder if OM was that epiphany, if I had somehow missed a sign from the universe and it was staring me in the face all along.

I should insert here that I am an information seeker – it is important for me to have knowledge, to understand, to experience all aspects of an issue. In many ways I am probably borderline obsessive – a decision to get a fish tank becomes a 3 month exploration online and escalates to obtaining a 55 gallon saltwater tank, instead of a $10 tank from Wal-mart. So I began to obsess over this renewed sense of split in my heart and how could I ever give my whole self to Matt again, if OM had claimed part of me?

I made plans to see a musical out of town with some friends. The day before, I found out that OM was in the area and we could see the show together as a group. I lied and schemed to make that happen. I rationalized that we could hang out as friends, have a sense of normalcy, and I could get a better grip on what was between OM and I. We saw the show, hung out, had some drinks. My “friends” arranged to sleep in the other room so OM and I could have time to talk. We did, mostly insubstantial things at first, then some roundabout talk regarding our relationship/feelings for each other. We basically decided that we probably would never really see each other again/interact, and I kissed him goodbye. Of course, it escalated, with him saying if this was our last night together, he wanted to be with me, and I said yes.

I know it was wrong. I know it was incredibly self-destructive. I know that the whole series of choices I had made since seeing him on the street that day were ruining everything I claimed to be working towards and wanting with my husband. And yet the obsessive part of me, the “need to know” if OM was really the right person all along, wouldn’t let go. We had sex. It was not what I expected. Sex with my husband has always been a transformative experience. We both feel almost out of our bodies, connected with one another, completely as one. I think part of me expected that same type of connection with OM. That if he was magically fated for me by the universe this would confirm that and then we could figure out what that meant later. Part of me also wanted that not to happen. To prove that he was not destined for me like that and I could go back to my husband knowing that my heart could be his fully. It is completely selfish, totally cruel and inconsiderate, but I didn’t know any other way to ever know that answer. Matt and I had talked over the previous months about the division in my heart, and I knew I wanted more for him and he wanted more for himself than someone who was always half in love with someone else.

We said goodbye the next morning. No fanfare, nothing poignant or a feeling of wanting to hold on. I went home and lived in a numb haze for a few days as I tried to piece together what I felt. How could I have jeopardized my marriage for something that wasn’t the fated experience I had built up in my mind? It was a weird sense of relief – the split in my heart seemed to be gone – and crushing depression at the same time because it meant that I was really just a terrible, selfish, blind, heartless person.

I poured it out of me to Matt one night, that I knew I hadn’t been doing the right things for our recovery, that I knew I needed to get past my own sense of hurt and confusion and just focus on being what he needed and helping him with his emotions. For the first time in a month, we actually talked, I felt this overwhelming sense of hope and almost peace within myself, I guess. I didn’t feel responsible for OM. I didn’t feel like I needed to anything or be anyone except try to be really present and whole for my husband. It was weird to feel those emotions that had been tying me up for months suddenly not there. I felt like I could focus on the future for the first time.

And then it all fell apart again. D-Day #2 was this past Saturday. OM’s ex found out from our friends that we were together that night. It came back to my husband. I behaved completely desperately again, lying and lying and lying about the PA until there was no space for me to lie again.

There is no incentive for him to attempt to rebuild any trust with me. I cannot prove to him the change in my heart, except by trying to be the best person I can be for him and our son as we go forward. The current plan is to file for divorce. I plan to use every day until we sign on that dotted line to be a whole person, to show Matt my heart and my love, and to attempt to repair the shattered heart I have left him with. I will do ANYTHING to help him heal from this. The grief and regret that I have for hurting a man who has been so selfless to me is absolutely overwhelming sometimes, but I am also working to not let those emotions drown me.

I want to be the kind of wife he deserves. I want to communicate honestly with him, to stop projecting emotions and accept that honest expression means sharing the good and bad thoughts with each other, not compartmentalizing the bad to “protect” the other person. I want to be the kind of mother my son deserves. I know that there is nothing in my past track record over the last six months to indicate that I can actually do that. The change in me is not visible without time. He certainly has no incentive to give me that time. I don’t know what else to do, other than pursue the divorce if that is what is really what he wants/needs, and yet continue to try to be clear that I want to make things work, that I believe we can rebuild from the crushing mess I have made.

I know people here will tell me I am a callous *****, that my husband can do so much better than anything I could possibly offer him at this point. I accept that. I know that is true. But I hope with all my heart that we can be one of those couples who emerges from something like this.

If you read all this, thank you.
 

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So instead of leaving your husband to pursue your career, you deside it was easier to decieve him?

or

You just justified the affair by admitting to boundrie issues?

I forgot to count the "I" in your post...maybe some one can help me out?




Maybe you should just start to work on being the best person for your self...and then work on being a better spouse?
 

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If your husband wants a divorce, and you are truly remorseful, don't stand in his way. Maybe you can rebuild a relationship down the way, maybe not.

I see a lot of "I" in your post- you realize you have a lot of work to do on yourself, which is good... but you may not be aware or at least, fully aware, of how much damage you've done to your husband. I hope he has a good support structure in place.
 

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Student scored with teacher and a milf. He'll remember that forever. Unfortunately so would your husband.
 

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Student scored with teacher and a milf. He'll remember that forever. Unfortunately so would your husband.
Don't mean to rub it in, but that is the sad truth and that kind of emasculation is very hard to recover from. And what was it all for? So that the kid can get something to brag about.
 

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What incentive do you see for your husband to try to trust you yet again? You've already proved to him what will happen.

There are some serious issues at hand for you to resolve, personally and professionally. You violated your marriage vows, you behaved unprofessionally. Why are you so determined to sabotage your life and career?

What other details have you kept from your husband that can later spring out of the closet to bite him on the ass?

I'm really not trying to bash you - in my marriage, I was the cheater in an emotional affair. Those are questions I had to ask myself and then items I had to work to PROVE to my husband (i.e. turn over all passwords, access to phone/text, etc.) Basically, every day I am working to show him he made the right choice.
 

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Your husband is right to file.
You seem to express remorse, or your version of it, only when caught. Until then, you have no problem lying through your relationships. (And I'm not being harsh, that's based on your post).
Doesn't sound like you are at a place where you can be i a committed relationship.
Dday2 is a prime example. If you were done with cheating, and remorseful for the pain your actions caused, as you want us to believe-why lie.
leave your H alone, you've cause enough pain
 

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Your right you have given him no reason to want you in his life. You got to mess around with your marriage, anything and everything special your husband thought he had with you has disappeared . There is nothing unique for you to give him that you have not given to somebody else .

What to do?

How about confessing your adultery to your parents , your husbands parents , the OM's parents and completely removing all enablers from your life. How about getting rid of any items of clothing, jewellery and other such items that that you wore when with the OM. As your job is part of the issue , change it. You cannot be trusted around other men , what extraordinary precautions are you going to put into place to ensure you affair proof your marriage.

Enter into IC for yourself, make sure its a pro marriage councillor who has experience in guiding you. One who will not rationalise why your husbands is at fault for your affair .

An initial call to someone like the Harley's on the marriagebuilders site may help you.

There is no easy way out of this. I would normally suggest that no big decisions are made while both of you are in this state.
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Let me ask you some questions? If you want your husband to accept you back after deceiving him three times, after sleeping with another man, after causing him so much pain; what do yo plan to do to make this right? Being a good girl going forward is not enough. How can he get satisfaction after all this pain? Are you willing to endure the same pain you caused him? How do you plan on compensating him after bringing the filth of another man into your home? What does he get for taking you back? You got the thrill of an affair and got laid out of this. What does he get?

I'd really like you to answer this.
 

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Stopped counting at 50 Is didn't count the me and my...

Again the serious A started in May... Funny how often it's May.

You have seriously harmed your husband emotionally. You can either deal with that by bending over backwards to make amends for years to come, or cut loose from the relationship.

I hope you can do all that is needed to rebuild your relationship, but this post leaves me doubtful. It will take years of heavy lifting for it to happen.

The only chance you have will be to come completely clean and learn a level of honesty you have not known with your husband. If your M does stay in tact it will not be the M it was before. It may be better, but the old M was ended by you.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I appreciate the input so far...

I will not stand in my husband's way regarding the divorce. I plan to be completely cooperative and still hope that my changes in behavior may have an impact on his final decision regarding that.

Yes, I have lied and lied and lied and lied. I know I lied on D-Day 2 because he had expressed after D-day 1 that the only thing that made it more bearable was that it was not a PA at that point. i also know that makes it 200% more awful that I allowed it to become one.

I am continuing IC, and hoping that Matt will at some point join me for MC - it can only help our relationship, whether as co-parents or spouses.

The question about the incentive for him to trust me again is a good one. I don't know how to answer that yet. He does have full access to my passwords/communications etc. I offered to let him drive me to and from rehearsals so he doesn't have a concern about a detour on my end. OM has moved away, and we have been in NC since that last encounter, however, I have not yet sent an explicit letter as recommended. I am more than willing to do that, but do not know where he currently lives, so that would involve some sort of contact with him or a mutual acquaintance to obtain his address.

There are no details I have withheld at this point. There is no hope for us if that were the case. I am with TCSRedhead... every day I just want to show him that if he chooses to stay, it is the right choice.
 

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Your right you have given him no reason to want you in his life. You got to mess around with your marriage, anything and everything special your husband thought he had with you has disappeared . There is nothing unique for you to give him that you have not given to somebody else .

What to do?

How about confessing your adultery to your parents , your husbands parents , the OM's parents and completely removing all enablers from your life. How about getting rid of any items of clothing, jewellery and other such items that that you wore when with the OM. As your job is part of the issue , change it. You cannot be trusted around other men , what extraordinary precautions are you going to put into place to ensure you affair proof your marriage.

I have told my parents, my sister. He has told his family after this last D-Day. I have told my boss at work. I am not in contact with OM's family, but could and would arrange that. I am willing to add NC with the friends who enabled our last encounter. I will change my job, move away, anything needed.

Enter into IC for yourself, make sure its a pro marriage councillor who has experience in guiding you. One who will not rationalise why your husbands is at fault for your affair .

I am in IC, I believe her to be very pro-marriage in the sessions that we have had.

An initial call to someone like the Harley's on the marriagebuilders site may help you.

There is no easy way out of this. I would normally suggest that no big decisions are made while both of you are in this state.
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You found many ways to rationalize making and continuing contact with the OM. Even to the point of trying him out to see if he's better than your husband. You need to get out of rationalization space and figure out out to actually do what you need to do.

You admit your focus has been on yourself and your work, and that Matt has been understanding of that. Except as he kept giving, you kept taking, until he (and the relationship) broke. You need to put that much effort into your relationship.

Read His Needs/Her needs, and recognize that to have a good relationship you actually have to spend TIME with a person. Look at yourself and your choices in life and figure out whether you can be happy if you aren't focused on work constantly. Because if you can't be happy putting effort into your marriage, than you should not be in a marriage. It's not fair to the spouse, and it will fail miserably.

If you decide you can be happy, then come up with an action plan to change your life to be more family-focused. Quit all the "extra" jobs. Do what His Needs/Her Needs says. Read everything on this site about heavy lifting, and be prepared to do it. Part of the heavy lifting is figuring out what to do. Open up everything to your husband, and go for radical honesty and openness. Let him know in words and deeds what you are willing to do, and ask him what else you can do. Start doing it.

And then hope he decides to give you another chance to rip his heart out, and then can forgive you and successfully get past the pain, humiliation and fear.
 

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I think you should stick around and read a few threads from other remorseful wayward spouses. It may help you. And remember that one of the factors that will help your husband consider reconciliation is how consistent your remorse is over the coming weeks and months.

Do not expect a quick fix solution here.
 

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The NC letter at this point is moot - the boy got what he wanted and moved on. Don't reach out, it would just be another excuse to speak again.

Sit down with him and answer ALL questions he has, may have or want to know. Answer them without being defensive, don't minimize or leave out things in the interest of 'sparing him'. He deserves the truth.

You missed the question - Why the self sabotage? That's an important piece of the puzzle. Until you can answer it and work on fixing it, there is too great a chance that this can repeat.

Right now, work on fixing your issues. Work on wooing/pursuing your husband. Keep everything transparent. When you see he's going through a really tough day, it's time to ask him what you can do to help HIM.

Regardless of the state of your marriage, keep in mind that cheating was your CHOICE not his fault. There is always another path available that would have been easier for everyone.

Read Not Just Friends, His Needs/Her Needs and any other materials you can to better understand his pain and what the damage is you've done. It's hard, really hard. I can tell you that more than once, I've thought about divorce because THIS path is so much harder. I know I'm glad we've chosen to reconcile but I can tell you that it is not easy nor does it ever go away completely.
 

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Mrs. M, I just want to mirror back what you just said: "There are no details I have withheld at this point".

My wife, Regret214 on the forums here, said the exact same thing. She had a 5 year long affair. Here's the issue - there were still things withheld, not in a malicious way but withheld regardless. See, one thing that MUST be understood by the wayward spouse is that sometimes it isn't about what you did. It's about not coming clean with it.

See, your betrayed spouse is like me...he had to uncover this on his own. You never came out and told him what happened. HE had to ask the questions. HE had to do all the digging in the quagmire of your affair. Honestly, all you did was answer the questions. You never, like Regret, have truly confessed.

I suggest doing what Regret has done this past week. Schedule a time to sit down without interruption. YOU need to talk about everything from the beginning without him needing to ask you questions. He should be allowed to be quiet during this time. YOU need to do the heavy lifting. And it isn't gonna happen quickly. That much I can assure you.

Our Dday was 3/6/12. She just began her "confession" last week. Not for lack of trying, but lack of understanding.
 

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Let me ask you some questions? If you want your husband to accept you back after deceiving him three times, after sleeping with another man, after causing him so much pain; what do yo plan to do to make this right? Being a good girl going forward is not enough. How can he get satisfaction after all this pain? Are you willing to endure the same pain you caused him?

Honestly, I don't know how any reparations for past actions are possible? I would willingly endure the same pain so he can feel we are on equal footing. However, I don't believe that there is any resolution for him through that path, nor would I want him to stoop to my level. He is a really good man, who didn't deserve this. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think recovery or the path to forgiveness from this kind of event comes from evening the score. I can't ever make up for what I've done to us.

How do you plan on compensating him after bringing the filth of another man into your home? What does he get for taking you back? You got the thrill of an affair and got laid out of this. What does he get?

He gets heartbreak and pain. He gets self-doubt and insecurity. I hope that eventually we will share a stronger marriage, a loving family, and contentment for many years. But I don't know what to "give" him other than a changed, healthier me to get us there. And he may not want that, and would be completely justified in his choice.

I'd really like you to answer this.
 

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There is no getting even from here. Focus on the future, and give him the complete truth from the past. Odds are you will be divorced. Your only chance is to do the heavy lifting and reveal everything, and do everything to show it will not ever happen again. Prove you really do love him, and that he is not your second choice. How you do that is up to you.
 

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There is no getting even from here. Focus on the future, and give him the complete truth from the past. Odds are you will be divorced. Your only chance is to do the heavy lifting and reveal everything, and do everything to show it will not ever happen again. Prove you really do love him, and that he is not your second choice. How you do that is up to you.
I agree with you on the divorce, I don't see how any man with self respect can work is way through this. However, if he were to stay, there has to be some from of "compensation" for his pain. Too many way-wards never experience the pain they cause and that's just not fair or right. I know that the conventional wisdom says that this is not productive or any help in an "R", but I'm beginning to thing differently. So again I ask "The Mrs." what are you going to do to compensate your husband.
 
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