[Skyye]

I married a man from Eastern Europe and he was the nicest most affectionate guy, we have been together for two years. I am in Canada, he was in the states when I met him, it wasn't a "get my green card" kind of situation.

He has a nice Russian sounding accent, and I have found with a lot of ESL men, it is much easier for them to swear a lot and get away with it, it is almost funny. I often picture someone saying the same things he does without an accent and I would be more offended. (I don't know if that makes sense to anyone).

At any rate, he does have a bit of a temper, he def has some sort of depression, but the swearing has increased and I just find it toxic, he swears about anything.

About 4 months ago his depression got worse, he really went strange, delusional a bit, paranoid. I woke up in the morning, I walked in the kitchen and he was so verbally abusive it was disgusting. I never ever saw or heard this type of thing from him before. I went to a psychologist and after the hour he said if what I was saying was correct and not biased that he clearly has bipolar disorder.

He would say "if you ever do that again I will cut your fn head off" "I will cut Tim's head off and Susie's head off, then yours and then myself, thats what you all want isn't it?" But then he would be nice a bit later. I never took them seriously, I never would put up with this treatment either but when I heard he may be bipolar I wanted to hang in there and wait till he came out of the "manic" phase and then he might want help.

He has always been very vocal and a big swearer and I can't tell if it was a cry for help and attention or that he has become a horrible person.

He finally went to the psychologist and they never discussed bipolar, the psych told me he is clearly disinterested in anything, no goals, dreams, no beliefs, but at this time he did not detect bipolar etc... However, when he went he was in his first good phase I have seen him in.

So many people have told me to call the police, I get advice from all over but I can not think for myself anymore either. The only reason I wanted to call them is because they take them to the hospital if they have depression and try to treat them (it is a much nicer process than what happens in the states I have heard) But the psych said to get them here to take him to the hospital I would have to mention the threats.

Well, he has been in a great mood lately, but started an argument, I went to continue that argument in the kitchen, he was waving the knife at me (just when talking, not threatening) I said get that knife away from me and he said you are lucky I do not slit your throat with this.

I grabbed my dogs, the phone, went to my room and called 911.

They took him away for a day, he was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, the hospital "nurse" deemed him ok in a 10 minute interview. (how could they assess anyone that quickly). I had horrible guilt, I do not want to screw up his life, I want him to get help so that he can finally be happy and have a good life, with or without me.

I would like anyone's feedback of course, but really want some opinions from men.

My friends can't believe I am even in this situation, I was the biggest "Dr. Laura" around (if anyone remembers her) I would lecture my friends on do not put up with controlling, abusing men etc...etc... lol But now...here I am, and I get some sort of passive aggressive brainwashing every week. Since I called the police he has been wonderful (what else can he be) but when he thinks about court dates etc...you see that mean part come out in him, it's understandable, but I do not think he has any regret, just mad I would do such a thing.

This is 1/10th of the story, but this is already too long.

Would just love some feedback as I just can't think straight anymore.

I also think I am in denial and making excuses for him because he is Eastern European and that I am misreading him.

You will see all sorts of threads from me as this is such a long story I want to break it up in pieces and get advice on different issues.

Thank you,

Skye

 

[moxy]

He is emotionally unstable. You're not safe with him. Is there anyone in his life who can help you defuse the situation or encourage him to get help?

 

[Skyye]

Well, since I did call the police, he HAS to act appropriately as one more phone call he will be taken away for five days, he actually has a "no contact order" but because I felt horrible (i wanted him to get mental help, not a crim record) and he has no friends in this country and doesn't know his way around, just started a new job so no money in his pocket and he was extremely distraught and apologetic (that day only) I took him back into the house. I have to say I was never in that kind of pain, not due to perhaps breaking up or anything, I felt bad for the kind loving person that is inside him somewhere and just couldn't abondon him. Two strikes he's out tho, no doubt in my mind.

The weird thing is, whenever he has made these threats I was never afraid, never cowared but I still saw it as dangerous that maybe he would try to harm himself. I do not know why I do not feel afraid of him. Are there any men out there that are very expressive and say these kinds of things out of depression/helplessness but would never act upon them?

Oh! and the Psychologist says "I can't see him acting out on these threats, these are red herrings, he is just putting out these statements to get you arguing, or to see how you react."

 

[moxy]

You let a guy think its ok to threaten cutting off your head, he will think it's ok to physically assault you. Break up with him. People with these kind of tempers will NOT grow up unless forced to. You're enabling him to treat you this way if you take on the guilt instead of the anger. He needs to feel guilty, you taking the guilt leaves him only more anger .

Ethnicity does not excuse the intimidation. You're not misunderstanding. This is a bad situation.

 

[45188]

These threats are going to turn physical and then get worse and worse.

 

[MEM2020]

Talk to any experienced cop and they will exain his behavior - I it is called 'escalating'. She needed to shut this down the very first time he said anything violent about doing to her or her friends.

 

[moxy]

Yes, I agree with MEM.

First it was a threat. Then it was a threat while waving a knife he happened to be holding. What will it be next, grabbing the knife and cornering you with it?

He's already gotten two strikes. Are you giving him 3? What if it escalates beyond that and you can't get away?

No one says you should stop feeling for him, but right now, you two do NOT need to be near each other. If you love him, if you love yourself, get out of there. If you need to maintain contact, do so, but not while living together. Both of you need the stability to deal with your feelings that cohabitation does not currently provide.

He may say them to vent them and not mean them, but you can't tell right now. At the least, they are meant to intimidate you and menace you. If it doesn't "work" whatever that means to him, he will become physical; it may not be premeditated, but maybe in rage his lashing out will become physical.

 

[Jellybeans]

He sounds mentally unwell and perhaps abusive.

Him telling you he's going to cut your head off and then his and waving a knife around is not acceptable under ANY circumstance.

Was he ever like this when you were dating?

 

[Desperate_Housewife]

You know what you need to do... so just do it.

"My friends can't believe I am even in this situation, I was the biggest "Dr. Laura" around (if anyone remembers her) I would lecture my friends on do not put up with controlling, abusing men etc...etc... "

Practice what you preach!

 

[zookeeper]

he actually has a "no contact order" but because I felt horrible (i wanted him to get mental help, not a crim record) and he has no friends in this country and doesn't know his way around, just started a new job so no money in his pocket and he was extremely distraught and apologetic (that day only) I took him back into the house.

How many tragic stories have been precluded by such irresponsible actions?

Get him out of the hous now. the only thing you are accomplishing here is putting yourself in physical danger and telling this man that what he is doing is ultimately OK. Don't kid yourself. You're not all that different from the women we see on Cops who stand there with a bloodied face begging the police not to arrest their husbands for assualt (despite the fact that she called the cops in the first place.) This is how the vicous cycle of abuse starts and gets escalated. Stop it now.

 

[Skyye]

He sounds mentally unwell and perhaps abusive.

Him telling you he's going to cut your head off and then his and waving a knife around is not acceptable under ANY circumstance.

Was he ever like this when you were dating?

Hi Jelly!

No, he was never like that, he wasn't perfect, he has an addictive personality, he drank a bit (about 5 times, but binge drank) and then I said that is enough, he discovered pot, I personally do not like pot in any way, but he seemed happy and content and "anti alcohol" but after two months of it, wow, he was paranoid/delusional/thought people were working with the devil, illuminati's. Actually, I am gonna do a different thread about that experience. He is the most "clingy/affectionate/attentive" man I have been with, probably a bit co-dependent. He started the verbal abuse right when he ran out of pot. The Psychologist said that it is commong for a person that has bipolar but it has not come out yet for the first time, to have pot throw them right into that state. (that's me feeling sorry for him) lol

Also I should mention, I love his parents more than my own practically, they are devastated and he wont talk to them, hasnt for 4 months, he skypes them daily normally. This is the other bipolar like thing, he woke up one morning hating them and blaming them for his life. He NEVER would have done that before.

Any way the family is begging me to make sure he gets help, they are shocked whats going on, they can't get into canada while he is not a full Cdn. citizen yet.

 

[Skyye]

You let a guy think its ok to threaten cutting off your head, he will think it's ok to physically assault you. Break up with him. People with these kind of tempers will NOT grow up unless forced to. You're enabling him to treat you this way if you take on the guilt instead of the anger. He needs to feel guilty, you taking the guilt leaves him only more anger .

Ethnicity does not excuse the intimidation. You're not misunderstanding. This is a bad situation.

Thanks Moxy, I could tell something happened to him mentally, that I guess I went a whole different route and ran straight to the Psych., had I thought he was in a normal state at all I would have reacted differently (yes, still making excuses and denial etc...) but it just wasn't normal for him, I am still in shock over that. He has never gone back to normal after his pot smoking for 7 months episode, he has been off for four months now.

I would like to say as much as it is so important for me to hear this and thank God this site is here. When I ask my friends, I have one that doesn't listen and says "phone the cops", I also have a friend who has a great marriage and two sons my husbands age almost, she feels sorry for him and keeps saying try to get him help, the poor guy sounds like it is a cry for help he is so depressed, "my husband did many things like that but the doctor put him on cipralex, he has been wonderful ever since, dont turn you back on him" Just wanted to give an example of feeling very torn over this.

Last thing...I am responsible for him until he becomes a "landed immigrant" in Canada. Puts a bit more pressure on.

 

[Jellybeans]

Hi Skye!

This isn't about him being Eastern European. It's about his character. Was he very charming when you met? Swept you off your feet? Is he controlling?

It sounds like he does have a mental disorder and possibly a personality disorder. It is odd you say he wasn't like this before. Sometimes there are little red flags along the way that people ignore.

How old are you both?

What is his romantic history? Does he speak ill of all of his exes? Ever been married before and why did it end, etc?

You need to protect yourself first and foremost. His behavior is not ok at all. Nobody should be speaking to you that way or chasing you with a knife.

 

[Skyye]

How many tragic stories have been precluded by such irresponsible actions?

Get him out of the hous now. the only thing you are accomplishing here is putting yourself in physical danger and telling this man that what he is doing is ultimately OK. Don't kid yourself. You're not all that different from the women we see on Cops who stand there with a bloodied face begging the police not to arrest their husbands for assualt (despite the fact that she called the cops in the first place.) This is how the vicous cycle of abuse starts and gets escalated. Stop it now.

I know! This is ridiculous, I keep getting brainwashed, I can't believe my mind has been manipulated so.

I am dissapointed that my Psychologist does not feel there is any need to worry. You have to understand he is a proffessional in this area and that confuses me greatly as to "am i exaggerating the story? why does he not think he will hurt me?" he thinks I should end the relationship, but not that there is worry of harm.

 

[Skyye]

Hi Skye!

This isn't about him being Eastern European. It's about his character. Was he very charming when you met? Swept you off your feet? Is he controlling?

It sounds like he does have a mental disorder and possibly a personality disorder. It is odd you say he wasn't like this before. Sometimes there are little red flags along the way that people ignore.

How old are you both?

What is his romantic history? Does he speak ill of all of his exes? Ever been married before and why did it end, etc?

You need to protect yourself first and foremost. His behavior is not ok at all. Nobody should be speaking to you that way or chasing you with a knife.

Age: I am 10 yrs older, his three ex's (not wives) have all been about the same amount older. We are 33 and 43

He speaks slightly ill of two exes, but then he says great things about them too occasionally. He was married once, she actually called me while him and I were friends (long story) but basically she admitted some things she had done to him and felt remorseful, I realized he was telling the truth after that point. She did some crazy things to him, lies, taking his money etc...

He has tried to be a bit controlling...yes.

Not in his defense, but he wasn't chasing me with a knife he was cutting food, but pointed at me when he was talking, much like when you point your finger and shake it as you are making your point. When he made his threat he pulled it back and turned to the counter to continue cutting food.

 

[Skyye]

Hi Skye!

This isn't about him being Eastern European. It's about his character. Was he very charming when you met? Swept you off your feet? Is he controlling?

It sounds like he does have a mental disorder and possibly a personality disorder. It is odd you say he wasn't like this before. Sometimes there are little red flags along the way that people ignore.

How old are you both?

What is his romantic history? Does he speak ill of all of his exes? Ever been married before and why did it end, etc?

You need to protect yourself first and foremost. His behavior is not ok at all. Nobody should be speaking to you that way or chasing you with a knife.

Age: I am 10 yrs older, his three ex's (not wives) have all been about the same amount older. 33-43

He speaks slightly ill of two exes, but then he says great things about them too occasionally. He was married once, she actually called me while him and I were friends (long story) but basically she admitted some things she had done to him and felt remorseful, I realized he was telling the truth after that point. She did some crazy things to him, lies, taking his money etc...

He has tried to be a bit controlling...yes.

Not in his defense, but he wasn't chasing me with a knife he was cutting food, but pointed at me when he was talking, much like when you point your finger and shake it as you are making your point. When he made his threat he pulled it back and turned to the counter to continue cutting food.

Thank you Jellybean!

 

[moxy]

You should post about the Devil/Illuminati stuff here in this thread. Keeping info together helps.

So, you have been to a counselor, but he has not? Your counselor says this kind of behavior is acceptable? Your C doesn't think he needs some help dealing with his anger?

I think that if you want to help him because you think something is wrong with him, you should take him to a counselor. MC if not IC. See how someone responds to him in person.

I also think that you are not safe. Do you have an emergency bag? Spare clothes, wallet, passport, emergency supplies, phone, cash, card, mace...get these things into a backpack in case you have to get away. If you're not going to separate, at least make provisions for an escape route in case of danger.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Okay, Skyye, there are only TWO ways to look at this:

1.) He would NEVER actually harm you and you fear your actions will give him a 'criminal record' for "nothing".

2.) He WOULD actually harm you and your failure to act may be fatal to you.

WHICH SIDE WOULD YOU rather ERR ON?

When NORMAL people are angry, they call you names (you're a b*tch, a c*unt, a wh*re, etc.), they say they 'hate' you, they wish you would go away, drop dead, get what's coming to you, etc. They DO NOT say "I will CUT your f'n head off, and then Tim's and then Suzie's." NORMAL PEOPLE (no matter HOW angry) do NOT say those things.

Your H is sick, unstable. GET HIM HELP from PROFESSIONALS.

Only YOU can decide if you want to stick around and see him through this, but regardless, he CANNOT be living with you or Tim or Suzie.

You KNOW this. It does NOT make you a bad, unempathetic, cold person. It makes you a REALIST who holds value in herself and in others (by worrying about him getting professional help).

 

[justonelife]

My husband is Eastern European (Serbian) and I have no idea why you are using that as some excuse for him. If my husband ever threatened me with a knife or threatened to harm me or my friends/family, he would be out on his *ss. I understand you want to get him some help, that's fine. Get him some help. Until then, he can find another place to live until he has had lots of therapy and can show you that he is under control.

 

[Homemaker_Numero_Uno]

Well, he hates you when he feels ineffectual at life. A lot of people find it easy to make excuses for themselves for not being successful at whatever it is they want to be successful at. Then they start living with someone and see that the other person has the same life but does things to be more successful, so in that light, they feel like cr*p about themselves. And because they're in a relationship, they feel it's okay to just lash out at the other person, to bring them down and to try to undermine them, so they can look better by comparison. Your man needs to feel like a man, he needs a job, he needs to be needed. BUT he keeps making relationship choices (older women who can pay bills on a regular basis) that emasculate himself. It seems to be a pattern. All the understanding in the world isn't going to help him. Honestly, he needs to do the things that are going to make him feel good about himself, the first thing he could do is get help for himself, but if he's not willing to do that he is a dead end for you and always will be.