First off you were just rug sweeping, you never mentioned that you went to therapy or had any meaningful discussion of the things that led your relationship down that path. Now you yourself are cheating. For both your sakes seek outside help. Otherwise history will repeat over and over.
Thoughts on Rejection, Forgiveness & Happiness
I have some interesting thoughts on forgiveness... from just my own perspective but I am interested to know if any agree or condemn me for my opinion here.
Im 31, Been married 13 years. 18 months ago my wife was unhappy with our relationship and engaged in a 2 affairs i know of. The worst of which was an ongoing relationship with a man much younger then us. He made her feel happy, to laugh and gave her excitement but he had no job, still lived with his parents and had nothing to sustain her outside of emotional.
I found out about her affair, begged her to stop, I fell apart and became an emotional wreck for several months. I wasnt strong about it and now I hate how weak I appeared. She broke my heart and I cried like a baby more often then I like to remember. after being gone a few days she agreed to come home and work on the marriage. Within a few months of us going out just trying to be friends and alot of emotional contact she had began to tell me she loves me again and as of today we are in a state where we dont talk about it and we say everything is OK. I have told her many times that I forgive her and will never bring it up again.
But.. Here is the problem. Never a day in the last 18 months have I not thought about it, I forgave but I was bitter about it. As humans we want what we cant have. The fact that she didnt love me made me fall in love with her all the more and try all the harder to make her fall for me again. Worse yet it made me try to pretend to be someone I am not to win her back. I sent her roses a few times a week, I got her cards, wrote love letters, made mix tapes/CDs, all stuff I have never done before. I felt if I could have her again I would be happy forever.
As time has worn on I see alot differently. After I felt to have won her back I quit doing the super nice things and I wanted to be appreciated in return. Not for what I can offer as gifts or even as emotional support, but I wanted to be ADMIRED and to feel special just for being myself. I wanted her to enjoy the things I enjoy. My sports, my activities and even my job.
I now can honestly say it doesnt hurt anymore (what she did to me), but for the worst of reasons. I dont care anymore. I dont feel I love her anymore. She could cheat on my today and I couldnt care less. The spark has been gone from our relationship for years and the only scars and habits remain.
Regarding intimacy. It started to resume a few months after she moved back in but its once or twice a month. Very mechanical and there is no romance or desire. Its just sex. It is not the act of making love. In fact I cant remember the last time it felt like it should.. Maybe 3 years ago..
Recently I cheated on her. The girl really pushed herself on me and after a while I caved. She made me remember what it feels like to be wanted, to be desired and to feel special. She admired me and complimented me. She wanted more than anything what I have to offer, but why wouldnt she? Im successful, in great physical shape and I'm funny. I fancy myself a real catch to any woman. Since this event I have gone out on a few dates in nearby cities to where I live and met many nice girls. I have not slept with any others but I am intrigued to see who could be out there that I may really click with, and how much happier I could really be.
For everyone in an awful relationship WAKE UP! Realize you don't need this person to make you happy. Being in a relationship can be so satisfying and to have that special person close to you is an awesome feeling. So if you dont have the feeling anymore either get it or move on. Life is just too short.
Someday soon I will need to have that talk with my wife. I fear that when I tell her I dont love her any more it will spark her to feel exactly as I felt when she rejected me. We all want what we cant have. We all hate rejection.
Sorry for the type-o's -
Bring on the hate..
Im 31, Been married 13 years. 18 months ago my wife was unhappy with our relationship and engaged in a 2 affairs i know of. The worst of which was an ongoing relationship with a man much younger then us. He made her feel happy, to laugh and gave her excitement but he had no job, still lived with his parents and had nothing to sustain her outside of emotional.
I found out about her affair, begged her to stop, I fell apart and became an emotional wreck for several months. I wasnt strong about it and now I hate how weak I appeared. She broke my heart and I cried like a baby more often then I like to remember. after being gone a few days she agreed to come home and work on the marriage. Within a few months of us going out just trying to be friends and alot of emotional contact she had began to tell me she loves me again and as of today we are in a state where we dont talk about it and we say everything is OK. I have told her many times that I forgive her and will never bring it up again.
But.. Here is the problem. Never a day in the last 18 months have I not thought about it, I forgave but I was bitter about it. As humans we want what we cant have. The fact that she didnt love me made me fall in love with her all the more and try all the harder to make her fall for me again. Worse yet it made me try to pretend to be someone I am not to win her back. I sent her roses a few times a week, I got her cards, wrote love letters, made mix tapes/CDs, all stuff I have never done before. I felt if I could have her again I would be happy forever.
As time has worn on I see alot differently. After I felt to have won her back I quit doing the super nice things and I wanted to be appreciated in return. Not for what I can offer as gifts or even as emotional support, but I wanted to be ADMIRED and to feel special just for being myself. I wanted her to enjoy the things I enjoy. My sports, my activities and even my job.
I now can honestly say it doesnt hurt anymore (what she did to me), but for the worst of reasons. I dont care anymore. I dont feel I love her anymore. She could cheat on my today and I couldnt care less. The spark has been gone from our relationship for years and the only scars and habits remain.
Regarding intimacy. It started to resume a few months after she moved back in but its once or twice a month. Very mechanical and there is no romance or desire. Its just sex. It is not the act of making love. In fact I cant remember the last time it felt like it should.. Maybe 3 years ago..
Recently I cheated on her. The girl really pushed herself on me and after a while I caved. She made me remember what it feels like to be wanted, to be desired and to feel special. She admired me and complimented me. She wanted more than anything what I have to offer, but why wouldnt she? Im successful, in great physical shape and I'm funny. I fancy myself a real catch to any woman. Since this event I have gone out on a few dates in nearby cities to where I live and met many nice girls. I have not slept with any others but I am intrigued to see who could be out there that I may really click with, and how much happier I could really be.
For everyone in an awful relationship WAKE UP! Realize you don't need this person to make you happy. Being in a relationship can be so satisfying and to have that special person close to you is an awesome feeling. So if you dont have the feeling anymore either get it or move on. Life is just too short.
Someday soon I will need to have that talk with my wife. I fear that when I tell her I dont love her any more it will spark her to feel exactly as I felt when she rejected me. We all want what we cant have. We all hate rejection.
Sorry for the type-o's -
Bring on the hate..
- Status
1 - 20 of 32 Posts
Thank your for your insight and honesty. Affairs do irreparable harm and your honesty simply highlights that. Your actions after finding out about her affair were unsustainable in a normal relationship. She needed to reciprocate and she apparently did not. So now you lost interest. Why would someone hate you for being honest. I am hoping to get my wife back, and learning the mindset of other hurt spouses may or may not help. I can see the fact that your wife let you do all the work and did not act in kind, is what really pushed you away. She should have tried harder.Bring on the hate..
That is very sound advice.
I have no doubt it is the moral high road, the ethical thing to do and the right thing.
I also understand myself better from many of your posts and for that I thank you all.
At this time I am going to continue to be naughty. I feel justified enough because of what she did to "Have my cake and eat it too" A part of me wants her to find out about it on her own another part of me wants her to leave me on her own.
I know I need help and I am an awful person for choosing the low road, but its crowded with those just like me, its alot more fun and I feel more alive then ever before in my life.
Since it's clear you had a false R, but you don't want to leave your marriage because of your son, you did the next best thing in your mind to level the playing field by having a revenge affair. The honorable thing to do is to come clean and tell her you're done with this marriage because she could not recommit to you - so you decided to find someone else. Put your cards on the table and see what your wife says. If you both feel that it's possible to save the marriage, then go for it. Otherwise, let it go. You're not doing your son any favors by staying together and cheating on his mom no she cheating on his dad.That is very sound advice.
I have no doubt it is the moral high road, the ethical thing to do and the right thing.
I also understand myself better from many of your posts and for that I thank you all.
At this time I am going to continue to be naughty. I feel justified enough because of what she did to "Have my cake and eat it too" A part of me wants her to find out about it on her own another part of me wants her to leave me on her own.
I know I need help and I am an awful person for choosing the low road, but its crowded with those just like me, its alot more fun and I feel more alive then ever before in my life.
1 - 20 of 32 Posts
- Status
