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Discussion Starter #141
Barry,

You wrote, She made a big deal out of it and even mentioned it to me during and afer the break break up, as some kind of huge sacrifice she made for me.

So she remained in some kind of "poly" or "open" relationship mindset, that is more troubling than even her past.

And she had sex with you at the same time as two other guys were you aware of that, with all the STD risk it put you at.

She promised she would only have sex exlusively with me from the get go. I also asked her about stds before having sex and she told me she was clean because she had a test done recently.

But you are right otherwise, i could not have been sure of her claims and promises but i decided to take my chances. I have decided to take an std test soon. I do not think she had sex with anyone else in the meanwhile because we pretty much spent every night and most days together from the first date so her opportunites to do that were slim but not impossible. I didn't knew her for very long so i never trusted her words to the 100%.

Aso you are quite right about her mindset. after the break up she told me to call her anytime for casual sex and i became somewhat angry given that it was the very reason why i left her.
 

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This is an interesting thread indeed.

I don't know exactly what details were shared with the OP by his ex, but here are some of my thoughts on this:


  • I believe that you have to be attracted to and at least like the person you are going to sleep with. Else (in the case of males) if it's just a question of a hole to stick it into, then there are plenty of holes to stick it into.

  • Organizing one's life around finding meaningless sex may be OK for some especially if they have a very busy life occupied with other things and sex is just something that they need to have from time to time with no complications. However, life is rarely that simple and it can lead to feelings being hurt from time to time. Better to have some sort of feelings for the one you are sleeping with.

  • I applaud someone for deciding that the facts he heard were going to come back and bite everyone in the bum and letting go of the relationship before real damage was done further down the line.

  • And for whoever asked the question, an erect penis almost always trumps most things in the heat of the moment.
 

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She promised she would only have sex exlusively with me from the get go. I also asked her about stds before having sex and she told me she was clean because she had a test done recently.

But you are right otherwise, i could not have been sure of her claims and promises but i decided to take my chances. I have decided to take an std test soon. I do not think she had sex with anyone else in the meanwhile because we pretty much spent every night and most days together from the first date so her opportunites to do that were slim but not impossible. I didn't knew her for very long so i never trusted her words to the 100%.

Aso you are quite right about her mindset. after the break up she told me to call her anytime for casual sex and i became somewhat angry given that it was the very reason why i left her.
Ouch.

You might be a little hypocritical but I get it.

Her mindset was wrong and I couldn't tolerate it unless she had it very firmly in her past.

I could honestly be with anyone with almost any past, including prostitute or porn star, as long as she had really left it behind and didn't approve of it.

Current views matter however.

Mrs. Conan was the OW twice and cheated in both her marriages before me.

The woman I met was a changed woman who has been fiercely loyal and supportive of me.

As long as the past is in the past, I'm good with who a woman is when I meet her, obviously.:smile2:
 

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Hello everyone.

Im a male, 35 years old and I'm writting this post just to have another point of view from other people on casual sex and One night stands. As the relationship i have in mind is now over i'm not trying to seek any advice however although i wouid welcome suggestions of how otherwise i could have handled the situation.

I was single for a few years before me latest relationship and then i met somone in december. We used to get along quite well and never had any major argumens. My then girlfriend was quite upfront about her past and told me the she was into casual sex and also one night stands before meeting me and at first i was ok with it although never very comfortamble around it. During our time together however i'd hear different details and stories of her past and I started to feel more and more uncomfortable about it. Finally i had to end our relationship as i decided it was going to be very upseting for me in the long term having to re think some of the detalis that my ex told me.

That is pretty much the story. I would appreciate if I were to hear thoughts on the matter, other points of view and any type of constructive contribution.
What was it exactly that made you change your mind about the relationship?
 

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When we met she was in regular contact with two of them and i asked her to cut contact with them altogether as if she had fallen off the face of the earth. She made a big deal out of it and even mentioned it to me during and afer the break break up, as some kind of huge sacrifice she made for me.

As to them using her for money/lodging etc. i don't know. I never asked her questions about them, it might have been a possibility, i didn't think of it at the time.

One of them was divorced, the other was single and about 5 years younger than her.
She promised she would only have sex exlusively with me from the get go. I also asked her about stds before having sex and she told me she was clean because she had a test done recently.

But you are right otherwise, i could not have been sure of her claims and promises but i decided to take my chances. I have decided to take an std test soon. I do not think she had sex with anyone else in the meanwhile because we pretty much spent every night and most days together from the first date so her opportunites to do that were slim but not impossible. I didn't knew her for very long so i never trusted her words to the 100%.

Aso you are quite right about her mindset. after the break up she told me to call her anytime for casual sex and i became somewhat angry given that it was the very reason why i left her.
Welcome to TAM. What you learned with this thread is choose your words carefully and give all information.


Thanks, this is what I needed to know. I thought it was something like this.
 

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hmm...

im definitely non-monogamous, but im not interested in casual sex. im not asexual by any means, but i find nothing appealing in having a ONS.

i could probably carry on a FWB type of relationship with someone that i really like and trust, but the relationship would have to be based on more than sex. it would have to be friends first, or sex never...
 

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After reading this thread, all I can say is THANK GOD I'm not single/dating. I would never be able to do it.
Casual sex is abhorrent to me. FWB while dating others is AWFUL (to ME). I just cheapens the whole thing in my opinion.
Sex is MEANT to bond two people together -- I'm sure everyone here knows of the hormonal changes we go through when we have sex.

I did have ONE ONS when I was young, dumb, and full of.. hormones. I regretted it a TON the next day (drunk, at a bar, dancing, out to the car, etc.).

I had one other "ONS" but that's because after being with this girl, I found out she had a BF and had sent him home from the party (I was playing in the band at the party). I sort of knew her, but obviously NOT enough about her dating life (sister of a friend, and had met her a few times in that context -- I was VERY interested to have this be a relationship). Once I found out what she did, I was done.

How many times have cheaters used "It was only sex". Does that make it all better? The idea of sex without emotions just doesn't do it for ME. For those who can separate/compartmentalize this out, I guess good for you.
I think it just cheapens the whole thing. AGAIN, this is for me.

After reading what a typical dating environment is like these days(TY @Lila for that!), all I can say is.... I need to go hug my wife.


EDT: Also, just in case, I don't think it's OK for men to sleep around and women not to. I don't think either should be doing casual sex. As for the argument that you WANT to have sex with someone who's been around and have experience, I think that's BS also. I think learning together about sex is a tremendous part of the fun of being together. I think most of the "they had no previous experience" causing issues is because the couple doesn't really know how to communicate with each other --- esp. being open/honest about sex with each other.
 

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Looks like Barry's left the building but in case he comes back...

Aso you are quite right about her mindset. after the break up she told me to call her anytime for casual sex and i became somewhat angry given that it was the very reason why i left her.
LOL. And her attitude about casual sex on your first date is what got you 'some,' and you sure weren't complaining about her loose attitude when you unzipped your pants, were you? And some more of that fun was one of the reasons you were driven to call her for a SECOND date. If you want me to believe that calling her again for a 2nd date wasn't driven by the possibility of more sex, then you have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than that happening.

I've never seen anyone back-pedal as much as the OP every time someone called him out for his utter hypocrisy. NUMEROUS times he's tried to play the victim and claimed that it was HER fault they had sex on the first date because it was her idea to go somewhere private and it was her intention that they have sex. Well gosh and golly, he's just a victim who went along with it because he's a guy - and that's what they do! 0:)

Freakin' unreal.
 

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Now i realise that i could have said no because i got principles so we will not go anywhere to have sex on our first date but then I serioulsy doubt that you will find many men to do that. I didn't make any hints on my side that I wanted to be alone with her at that point.
And there we have it, kiddies.

Men are allowed to have sex on the first date because ya know...they're guys, and what guy would turn THAT down? So of course he was entitled to jump right in there and get himself some when it was being offered on their first date. And OP, just because you called for a second date (and who are we kidding here - you wanted sex again and knew you'd get it by continuing to see her) doesn't magically cancel out the fact that you did the exact thing you feel so damned self-righteous pointing your finger at someone ELSE for doing.

"Do as I SAY, not as I DO," is apparently the motto of OP, who is the ultimate hypocrite.

According to the OP, women who choose to have sex on the first date or with someone they barely know don't have the same moral fiber HE does, and he's got his boundaries, dammit! And he's allowed to force them on the women he dates even though he's completely happy to get himself laid on the first date with someone if the opportunity arises. Ya know, cause he's a guy so it's ok.


Can we say judgmental "hypocrite?" Why yes, I think we can.

You did HER a favor breaking up with her. She doesn't need a hypocrite constantly judging every move she's ever made since she was born back in the 80's.
 

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Now i realise that i could have said no because i got principles so we will not go anywhere to have sex on our first date but then I serioulsy doubt that you will find many men to do that. I didn't make any hints on my side that I wanted to be alone with her at that point.
And there we have it, kiddies.

Men are allowed to have sex on the first date because ya know...they're guys, and what guy would turn THAT down? So of course he was entitled to jump right in there and get himself some when it was being offered on their first date. And OP, just because you called for a second date (and who are we kidding here - you wanted sex again and knew you'd get it by continuing to see her) doesn't magically cancel out the fact that you did the exact thing you feel so damned self-righteous pointing your finger at someone ELSE for doing.

"Do as I SAY, not as I DO," is apparently the motto of OP, who is the ultimate hypocrite.

According to the OP, women who choose to have sex on the first date or with someone they barely know don't have the same moral fiber HE does, and he's got his boundaries, dammit! And he's allowed to force them on the women he dates even though he's completely happy to get himself laid on the first date with someone if the opportunity arises. Ya know, cause he's a guy so it's ok.


Can we say judgmental "hypocrite?" Why yes, I think we can.

You did HER a favor breaking up with her. She doesn't need a hypocrite constantly judging every move she's ever made since she was born back in the 80's.
There is a double standard. Men typically value virtuous women (in the sexual sense), however not many women value virtuous men. On a pure biological basis, men could go and spawn off thousands of offspring without consequence, whereas women couldn't do that until the easy access to birth control. The fallacy is men and women are the same, just with different parts. You are asking apple's to act as apple's but expecting oranges to act as apple's too.
 
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