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Thanks for providing your opinion.
No problem!

IME, single people over 40s, more men than women, are not looking committed relationships. They have responsibilities to their kids, their parents, their jobs, ect.. and are not interested in adding the responsibility of an emotional investment with someone with their own baggage.
It seems to me, in my own experience, that "dating" is much much more work, time, (and expense) than being in a stable relationship. I could spend 40 minutes every day just "managing" OK cupid. And then the time of setting up and having "dates" with a string of strangers, are you telling me they are doing that not in the hope of finding someone, but just for entertainment? When they are short of time and energy? That they are not looking to make an emotional commitment, but just to spend evenings with strangers? I find it hard to believe.

So what do they get out of it, if it's not someone who they know well enough to get emotional contact from? Is it really just the actual sex? I mean, most people can do better with some porn and a vibrator if it's just the orgasm.
 

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How true is this?

I'm genuinely curious.

It seems probable that women might have a slight edge in obtaining casual sex but I really don't have a real world clue about it.

I had an Italian friend through high school that had a steady stream of ladies for sex and I could have easily put him in the amateur ranks if I had a mind to.

He wasn't even tall or exceptional looking.

Many of my other friends were clueless but I think that evens out with age for most.

I have seen younger ladies having an easier time getting casual sex with a few male exceptions but doesn't that average out with some age?
What I have seen is that women looking for casual sex usually look for much younger partners (15+ years) and they don't seem to have any problems finding it.
 

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Over the years, I've found that this behavior is seen as quite acceptable among men, with the explanation being - we'd never have sex if we told the truth.

Not all men, of course, but in general.

To me, this tact (men not being forthcoming about their intentions/motivations) isn't really the problem - it's our denial of it.

If a man has offered you nothing but his penis (as opposed to commitment, responsiblity, obligation), then he's offered you nothing but his penis.

Yes, it is lying by omission, but instead of trying to change men (futility), accept that this is what they do (shade the truth to get sex on their terms), and then women will be more empowered to deal with reality as it is, rather than how they wish it could be.
Oh, I completely agree.

I have a very cut-throat mentality when it comes to dating. There's no such thing as fair play. I don't complain when I hear women say the dude ghosted them after sex and I don't complain when I hear a guy say "she used me for my money". It's all fair in love and war.:smile2:
 

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Not in my experience.

If I wanted to have sex every night with a different man, I could find willing men.
What I meant was, don't men, in general, figure things out as they age more than when they were younger anyway, and it gets easier for them to obtain casual sex?
 

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What I have seen is that women looking for casual sex usually look for much younger partners (15+ years) and they don't seem to have any problems finding it.
That's interesting!

I'm not in the game but I wonder how their male counterparts fair?

I've always thought that once men get experienced, it averages out for them having an easier time getting casual sex.
 

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I will only say many many many men would take sex if it presented itself, but that doesn't mean that it changes the fact that they aren't looking for a relationship if the right person came along.

What happens if a man tells a lady he is looking for a relationship and the woman changes her usual strategy of sleeping with men on the first date to making this guy wait? I have heard women who do this depending on the 'sort of man' they go on a date with.

I don't see a problem with saying you are looking for a relationship then if sex happens with them at that early a point, deciding it's not what you are into. Maybe it was good sex but you aren't really feeling it. Or whether sexist or not, as a general rule don't seriously date women that have sex with them that early.

There's current phenomenon where people keep FWB to meet their sexual needs while going on dates to see if the "right person comes along". Many, many, many people (particularly men) get their panties in a knot when they hear the person they are dating is having sex with someone else and not them. This is essential the reverse of what you presented above where someone is having sex in order to find the "right person".
 

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There's current phenomenon where people keep FWB to meet their sexual needs while going on dates to see if the "right person comes along". Many, many, many people (particularly men) get their panties in a knot when they hear the person they are dating is having sex with someone else and not them. This is essential the reverse of what you presented above where someone is having sex in order to find the "right person".
Umm....yuk....:|
 

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Perhaps at 21 you don't realize that you're doing something that will limit your future relationship choices.
That's the issue. I have absolutely no problem with people making decisions with the full knowledge of the potential future consequences.

It would be a shame though, if those actions were made not having any idea of the possible consequences and then, 10 years later the consequence of those choices became clear. Had they known that, they might have made different choices.

It should be made clear to young women that some men have a problem with a high number of casual sex partners. It's easy enough at 18 or 21 to say "I wouldn't be interested in any guy who thought like that anyway" but, at 30, dating a wonderful guy (in every other way) it may not be so easy to follow through on..
 

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It seems to me, in my own experience, that "dating" is much much more work, time, (and expense) than being in a stable relationship. I could spend 40 minutes every day just "managing" OK cupid. And then the time of setting up and having "dates" with a string of strangers, are you telling me they are doing that not in the hope of finding someone, but just for entertainment? When they are short of time and energy? That they are not looking to make an emotional commitment, but just to spend evenings with strangers? I find it hard to believe.
For reference, swipe apps are much easier to handle than say Match or Ok Cupid. All it takes is one swipe with the right person and you're in.

As far as the intention of "dates" from online connections... I think it works the same as Meetup where people gladly meetup with total strangers who share a similar hobby/favorite activity/culture, etc.. Some people go on "dates" simply for the company. Others go to find someone with whom to meet their sexual needs. Others yet want to find an emotional connection. There's a key to every lock. I don't attribute my personal values to anyone else's intentions.


So what do they get out of it, if it's not someone who they know well enough to get emotional contact from? Is it really just the actual sex? I mean, most people can do better with some porn and a vibrator if it's just the orgasm.
I can't answer your question above but I do know that there are people who enjoy sex because it's pleasurable and do not engage in it for emotional connection; others use sex to emotionally bond. I know I asked this question a few months ago when a male TAM member stated that men just need their belly full and their balls empty. There were a lot of opinions on the matter with some men stating they didn't emotionally connect during sex but it was a basic need for them.
 

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There's current phenomenon where people keep FWB to meet their sexual needs while going on dates to see if the "right person comes along". Many, many, many people (particularly men) get their panties in a knot when they hear the person they are dating is having sex with someone else and not them. This is essential the reverse of what you presented above where someone is having sex in order to find the "right person".
I never got my panties in a knot about it before we decided we were exclusive.

But I did dump them if they were. Not out of malice or being judgy, I just didn't like the drama. I've had all kinds of relationships, including flings and WFB-kinda deals (before they were called that). But if I even asked out someone that I was actually interested in dating, I'd immediately call off everything else before I even took them out for the first time.

It's just the way I rolled. I've tried to date women that were also dating other guys, and I've tried to date while dating others. Just became all dramatic and stupid.
 

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There's current phenomenon where people keep FWB to meet their sexual needs while going on dates to see if the "right person comes along". Many, many, many people (particularly men) get their panties in a knot when they hear the person they are dating is having sex with someone else and not them. This is essential the reverse of what you presented above where someone is having sex in order to find the "right person".
Depends I guess on if the FWB stops after you had a date and hit it off and went on a second. If I had been on a few dates with a woman and found she had a FWB on the side, that would be it.

But when I was dating, if I found someone that I was into then I would stop looking and explore that relationship. If you keep different partners on swivel, I'm not sure you will ever find the right person.

But many men that do spin plates have no intention to commit and convey that to the women too.
 

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I never got my panties in a knot about it before we decided we were exclusive.

But I did dump them if they were. Not out of malice or being judgy, I just didn't like the drama. I've had all kinds of relationships, including flings and WFB-kinda deals (before they were called that). But if I even asked out someone that I was actually interested in dating, I'd immediately call off everything else before I even took them out for the first time.

It's just the way I rolled. I've tried to date women that were also dating other guys, and I've tried to date while dating others. Just became all dramatic and stupid.
It's a different world we live in these days.

Read any singles forum and you'll learn:

1) Do no assume the other person is seeing (or having sex with) only you unless you have had the "exclusivity" talk.
2) Exclusivity must be defined because to some it means sexually exclusive but open to date others (no sex). To others it means a dating trial period where both are getting to know each other to the exclusion of others.
3) Down to Relationship (DTR) talks are what defines a committed relationship. These can happen as part of the exclusivity talk or after the trial period.
 

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Hate the game, not the player.
I'm an equal opportunity hater.

The people doing this are pegging my lowlife meter in the red.

I hate that game and have negative respect for any player of it.

Yuk is the only word.

I have an explosive revulsion to sharing partners and the thought of a woman, trying to land me with another man's scent recently on her is vile.
 

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Depends I guess on if the FWB stops after you had a date and hit it off and went on a second. If I had been on a few dates with a woman and found she had a FWB on the side, that would be it.
Read my response to @Marduk. That's just not how it works nowadays.

But when I was dating, if I found someone that I was into then I would stop looking and explore that relationship. If you keep different partners on swivel, I'm not sure you will ever find the right person.

But many men that do spin plates have no intention to commit and convey that to the women too.
I agree to the bolded. Based on trial and error, I waited until the 4th date with someone before I stopped looking/dating others. That's also about the time I brought up exclusivity with the person with whom I wanted to get involved. That's happened exactly twice since my separation 18 months ago.
 

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Well then we'll have to disagree. I've seen so many retroactive jealousy threads here that I think people can be forgiven for at least worrying what their partner will think and do based on something they do not personally regret but cannot change.
There are two kinds of "regret".

One is sort of "meta-regret". If you are happy with your present condition, then you shouldn't regret things in the past which were a part of putting you in your current good circumstances. In this view, I don't regret marrying my crazy ex wife. After all, if I hadn't gone through that I wouldn't have met my wonderful wife of 30 years and I wouldn't have learned some things that helped my current marriage thrive.

However, it was a terrible choice to marry her and I'd be a fool to think that I made a good choice in doing so. So, in that respect, I regret marrying her.

My wife was promiscuous before she met me. She regrets the decisions she made prior to that; she was having sex with men trying to fill a hole in her self esteem and only ended up digging it deeper. She was very unhappy, realized that she had been making poor decisions and vowed to make better ones in the future. She attained levels of happiness and satisfaction being married to me that she had always thought were unavailable to her. However, if she hadn't gone through what she did, she never would have met me. So, should she regret her early promiscuity? She says she does.

Regretting (or some better term) past actions does matter. Let's say that a woman who hates giving oral sex had done it in the past because she lacked the will or self esteem to refuse. Now, she's more mature, her current SO would like oral sex but she says "no". Her SO becomes aware that she's done it in the past.

Does it make a difference if she says

1) "Yes, I did it in the past, I don't regret it at all but I'm still not going to do it for you"

or

2) "Yes, I did it in the past even though I hated it because I was too weak to stand up for myself. I regret having done that. Now that I am more mature, I am not going to do it for you or anyone else because I don't like doing it"
 

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Depends I guess on if the FWB stops after you had a date and hit it off and went on a second. If I had been on a few dates with a woman and found she had a FWB on the side, that would be it.
Read my response to @Marduk. That's just not how it works nowadays.
That's fine, but that would be curtains for me. I never encountered that and I'm not far removed from the dating market. I could usually gage something like that pretty well by the first date (coming from a guy who was oblivious his wife was cheating on him lol).
 

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So on your very first date you let her know that she was being evaluated, you were giving her a trial run to see if she could meet your exacting standards.
I’m surprised she didn’t tell you to go and **** yourself.
Everyone is being evaluated on a first date.

Why should sexual history be an exception?

Sounds like she brought it up, which most people recommend should be done as early as possible.
 

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...

Introduce the sexual revolution and all its party gifts of latex and pills and IUDs and everything is changed. Women can act as men now. But there is this itch in my hind brain that is saying something ain't right here... Religion and morality put aside.
Strange how people see things, i doubt that i would meet some posters criteria, i had sex first at 15 and between 18 and 20 spent my life clubbing often drinking far to much and often with a nose full of coke and a lot of ONS and no strings sex.

At 21 i had a ten month try anything and everything sex fest with a 39 year old divorced man.

This however does not define who i an now, i have been faithful to my husband since i met him this is me now, I also consider my younger selfs actions to be perfectly acceptable.
Some of that sounds like me. I was from a religious background but rebelled and drank and had a lot of ONS and got involved with the wrong guys (sex fest as you call it - like guys who wanted to share me and trade me with their friends and stuff like that).

I have to say that this takes its toll so I can relate to the first view above. In way you're like wow this is so liberating but in another way, it kind of felt like it was eroding my soul. Just speaking for myself as a female, it made me feel used to some degree. Of course you could say that it take two to tango or whatever so I could be using these guys, but to UpsideDown's point, I think men and women are different with sex. I mean the guy is inside your body when it comes down to it. And when the guy is a stranger, it might feel good and be exciting in some ways, but in other ways, it can feel...well...just wrong to have a stranger inside of you. So intimate yet with absolutely no connection. Even if you're on birth control, I think women are wired differently than men and related to the consequences of sex like UpsideDown says. So having sex with a guy who walks away right after can leave you feeling abandoned, scared, and alone and unprotected - even if there is no way you're going to get pregnant. Just speaking for myself.

Like I said, it's complicated and there's not just one way that I feel about my past but in the end, as much as I wanted it to feel liberating like the sexual revolution likes to make it seem, for me, having a stranger on top of me and inside my body felt more degrading and wrong than liberating. And it was like cumulative for me. The more I did it, the more I felt like I was giving more and more of myself away, over and over. Sacrificing a part of me. At some points it felt like there was nothing left to me.

I'm married but I sometimes struggle with my promiscuous past and it makes me sad and depressed sometimes.
 
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