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I'm interested in hearing why you would think like this.

During my time as a single person looking to date, it seems like casual sex is more prevalent with people over 30 and generally the norm in over 40s.
Well, let me again be clear. I'm talking about sex with someone who is essentially a stranger, that you don't really know at all. (I am not, for example, talking about no-strings no-plans non-exclusive sex with a friend you've known for a while and like as a person).

The fact that it might be the norm in single over-40s (I don't know if that's true, but if you say so) it doesn't change my view. Perhaps in some cases that's related to why they are single.

I hesitated before posting this, and I guess I expected it to be met with howls of outrage. Thank you for your measured response. If someone wants sex with a stranger, it suggests to me that all they see of person is their body, like whether they are cute or not. It's like buying something because the advertising said it was good.
I would atleast think they may be fun time but certainly not LTR material much less spouse material. I also think that males view this much differently than females in general.

I don't understand her comment about 40's plus people either. I would guess the opposite from what I've seen.
 

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I would atleast think they may be fun time but certainly not LTR material much less spouse material. I also think that males view this much differently than females in general.

I don't understand her comment about 40's plus people either. I would guess the opposite from what I've seen.
Well let me disillusion you.

I'm a man, last time I checked anyway, and I don't view promiscuity differently in women than I do in men. There can of course be different repercussions.

I also married a woman that was in my bed mere hours after we met.

Our marriage is strong and we are closing on 29 years together, 25 married, with two sons and three grandchildren.

Generalizing can sometimes be accurate but I don't think your take on this is the consensus.
 

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I would atleast think they may be fun time but certainly not LTR material much less spouse material. I also think that males view this much differently than females in general.

I don't understand her comment about 40's plus people either. I would guess the opposite from what I've seen.
Well let me disillusion you.

I'm a man, last time I checked anyway, and I don't view promiscuity differently in women than I do in men. There can of course be different repercussions.

I also married a woman that was in my bed mere hours after we met.

Our marriage is strong and we are closing on 29 years together, 25 married, with two sons and three grandchildren.

Generalizing can sometimes be accurate but I don't think your take on this is the consensus.
The repercussions are exactly the reason. Men could theoretically go around spreading their seed across the world with hundreds of offspring and go about their normal routine. Whereas, the women would have mouths to feed for the next 18 years.

Introduce the sexual revolution and all its party gifts of latex and pills and IUDs and everything is changed. Women can act as men now. But there is this itch in my hind brain that is saying something ain't right here... Religion and morality put aside.
 

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The repercussions are exactly the reason. Men could theoretically go around spreading their seed across the world with hundreds of offspring and go about their normal routine. Whereas, the women would have mouths to feed for the next 18 years.

Introduce the sexual revolution and all its party gifts of latex and pills and IUDs and everything is changed. Women can act as men now. But there is this itch in my hind brain that is saying something ain't right here... Religion and morality put aside.
Fair. In a different time, I would kill a cad in a duel or simply a brawl, if he went about seducing women at will while I would be far less harsh with the women.

I'm not an advocate for promiscuous behavior but we live in the time we live in.

If a woman should behave chastely, so should a man. You can't really expect it to be normal for one gender and not the other.
 

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Well, let me again be clear. I'm talking about sex with someone who is essentially a stranger, that you don't really know at all. (I am not, for example, talking about no-strings no-plans non-exclusive sex with a friend you've known for a while and like as a person).

The fact that it might be the norm in single over-40s (I don't know if that's true, but if you say so) it doesn't change my view. Perhaps in some cases that's related to why they are single.

I hesitated before posting this, and I guess I expected it to be met with howls of outrage. Thank you for your measured response. If someone wants sex with a stranger, it suggests to me that all they see of person is their body, like whether they are cute or not. It's like buying something because the advertising said it was good.
Thanks for providing your opinion.

To your first point, I think there is a fine line between sex with an essential stranger and no-strings attached sex. Lots of people look for potential dating partners online these days. Usually there is some initial chatting online to screen for immediate red flags then a face to face date. Some of the those first dates end up being whirlwind romances that end in sex on that date. In many cases, those first date sexual adventures end up with one person getting ghosted and the other moving along to their next conquest. Would that be considered a ONS or was that a no-strings attached situation with someone known?

IME, single people over 40s, more men than women, are not looking committed relationships. They have responsibilities to their kids, their parents, their jobs, ect.. and are not interested in adding the responsibility of an emotional investment with someone with their own baggage. Casual sex, whether that's a FWB or ONS (as I described above) is more common than not.
 

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I would atleast think they may be fun time but certainly not LTR material much less spouse material. I also think that males view this much differently than females in general.

I don't understand her comment about 40's plus people either. I would guess the opposite from what I've seen.
You just answered your question about people over 40. A lot of people over 40 are overwhelmed by responsibility and are not looking for LTR or commitment - IME moreso men then women. They want the fun times without the responsibility of caring for a relationship. It is what it is.
 

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Strange how people see things, i doubt that i would meet some posters criteria, i had sex first at 15 and between 18 and 20 spent my life clubbing often drinking far to much and often with a nose full of coke and a lot of ONS and no strings sex.

At 21 i had a ten month try anything and everything sex fest with a 39 year old divorced man.

This however does not define who i an now, i have been faithful to my husband since i met him this is me now, I also consider my younger selfs actions to be perfectly acceptable.
 

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I would atleast think they may be fun time but certainly not LTR material much less spouse material. I also think that males view this much differently than females in general.

I don't understand her comment about 40's plus people either. I would guess the opposite from what I've seen.
You just answered your question about people over 40. A lot of people over 40 are overwhelmed by responsibility and are not looking for LTR or commitment - IME moreso men then women. They want the fun times without the responsibility of caring for a relationship. It is what it is.
Sounds like something I would tell someone to avoid a relationship but meanwhile keep the sex flowing 🙂
 

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The repercussions are exactly the reason. Men could theoretically go around spreading their seed across the world with hundreds of offspring and go about their normal routine. Whereas, the women would have mouths to feed for the next 18 years.

Introduce the sexual revolution and all its party gifts of latex and pills and IUDs and everything is changed. Women can act as men now. But there is this itch in my hind brain that is saying something ain't right here... Religion and morality put aside.
Fair. In a different time, I would kill a cad in a duel or simply a brawl, if he went about seducing women at will while I would be far less harsh with the women.

I'm not an advocate for promiscuous behavior but we live in the time we live in.

If a woman should behave chastely, so should a man. You can't really expect it to be normal for one gender and not the other.
I agree, but mainly on religious principle. But the sexes are not equal and there is still very different repercussions that face women vs men. It's not even close and accidents happen. Thinking as a father...You had two sons. But having a daughter is very different. Just wear a condom might be my advice for a son, whereas not even close for my daughter!
 

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Sounds like something I would tell someone to avoid a relationship but meanwhile keep the sex flowing 🙂
Hey, I have no issues with this as long as both people are up front and honest about intentions. If both people are in agreement that it's all about the sex, then more power to both of them.

It's lying about intentions to get the sex with which I have a huge issue. Don't go telling people that you are interested in a committed relationship when in fact you are not.
 

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Sounds like something I would tell someone to avoid a relationship but meanwhile keep the sex flowing 🙂
Hey, I have no issues with this as long as both people are up front and honest about intentions. If both people are in agreement that it's all about the sex, then more power to both of them.

It's lying about intentions to get the sex with which I have a huge issue. Don't go telling people that you are interested in a committed relationship when in fact you are not.
I have mixed emotions on this. If the circumstances are changed a little, I'd agree.

Say for instance, they talked awhile, got to know one another, went on some dates, developed feelings and such as happens, then they have sex and the guy ghosts her after. That's a ***** move.

But say he is just looking for sex mainly and he tells a girl that he is looking for a relationship (which may also be the case) then they go on one date, have sex and he ghosts her. Then, my feelings would be less on the side of the ghostee. What did you expect?
 

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I have mixed emotions on this. If the circumstances are changed a little, I'd agree.

Say for instance, they talked awhile, got to know one another, went on some dates, developed feelings and such as happens, then they have sex and the guy ghosts her after. That's a ***** move.

But say he is just looking for sex mainly and he tells a girl that he is looking for a relationship (which may also be the case) then they go on one date, have sex and he ghosts her. Then, my feelings would be less on the side of the ghostee. What did you expect?
I think if he's mainly looking for sex, then he should be upfront about it. All he has to say is "I'm really just looking to casually date right now but if someone great happens to show up in my life, then I would consider a relationship". Nothing wrong with that and it's very honest. The problems lies with how one expresses their intentions. Selling yourself as someone whose goal is to find a committed partner is not the same as selling yourself as someone who is primarily interested in a casual relationship. That's called lying.

See the issue with being honest is that it limits the dating pool. When I was online dating, I chatted to lots and lots of men and went on 33 first dates in what amounted to 12 weeks online. Any profile that stated "casual" or who answered the question "what are you looking for?" with "I don't know" or "casual" or "maybe something serious" was an automatic NO. Of those 33 first dates, probably a third would fall under the "looking for casual" category but lied because they knew I wouldn't have wasted my time with them. Women don't have as hard of a time finding casual sex as men so we tend to see more men lying about their intentions than women, but I'm sure there are women who say they want casual who are actually interested in a committed relationship.
 

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At 21 i had a ten month try anything and everything sex fest with a 39 year old divorced man.

This however does not define who i am now, i have been faithful to my husband since i met him this is me now, I also consider my younger selfs actions to be perfectly acceptable.
Yeah, I agree with this. (I did say over the age of 30 in my original post).
 

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Women don't have as hard of a time finding casual sex as men.
How true is this?

I'm genuinely curious.

It seems probable that women might have a slight edge in obtaining casual sex but I really don't have a real world clue about it.

I had an Italian friend through high school that had a steady stream of ladies for sex and I could have easily put him in the amateur ranks if I had a mind to.

He wasn't even tall or exceptional looking.

Many of my other friends were clueless but I think that evens out with age for most.

I have seen younger ladies having an easier time getting casual sex with a few male exceptions but doesn't that average out with some age?
 

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Over the years, I've found that this behavior is seen as quite acceptable among men, with the explanation being - we'd never have sex if we told the truth.

Not all men, of course, but in general.

To me, this tact (men not being forthcoming about their intentions/motivations) isn't really the problem - it's our denial of it.

If a man has offered you nothing but his penis (as opposed to commitment, responsibility, obligation), then he's offered you nothing but his penis.

Yes, it is lying by omission, but instead of trying to change men (futility), accept that this is what they do (shade the truth to get sex on their terms), and then women will be more empowered to deal with reality as it is, rather than how they wish it could be.

It's lying about intentions to get the sex with which I have a huge issue. Don't go telling people that you are interested in a committed relationship when in fact you are not.
 

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I think there is a tendency for women to worry that they will be "used" for sex and men to worry that they will be "trapped". This provides an unfortunate motivation for lying.

The often realistic situation where someone wants to enjoy dating, but if they find the right person (which can only be determined after a number of dates) they would like something long term, sounds sort of wishy-washy.


I think if he's mainly looking for sex, then he should be upfront about it. All he has to say is "I'm really just looking to casually date right now but if someone great happens to show up in my life, then I would consider a relationship". Nothing wrong with that and it's very honest. The problems lies with how one expresses their intentions. Selling yourself as someone whose goal is to find a committed partner is not the same as selling yourself as someone who is primarily interested in a casual relationship. That's called lying.

See the issue with being honest is that it limits the dating pool. When I was online dating, I chatted to lots and lots of men and went on 33 first dates in what amounted to 12 weeks online. Any profile that stated "casual" or who answered the question "what are you looking for?" with "I don't know" or "casual" or "maybe something serious" was an automatic NO. Of those 33 first dates, probably a third would fall under the "looking for casual" category but lied because they knew I wouldn't have wasted my time with them. Women don't have as hard of a time finding casual sex as men so we tend to see more men lying about their intentions than women, but I'm sure there are women who say they want casual who are actually interested in a committed relationship.
 

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I have mixed emotions on this. If the circumstances are changed a little, I'd agree.

Say for instance, they talked awhile, got to know one another, went on some dates, developed feelings and such as happens, then they have sex and the guy ghosts her after. That's a ***** move.

But say he is just looking for sex mainly and he tells a girl that he is looking for a relationship (which may also be the case) then they go on one date, have sex and he ghosts her. Then, my feelings would be less on the side of the ghostee. What did you expect?
I think if he's mainly looking for sex, then he should be upfront about it. All he has to say is "I'm really just looking to casually date right now but if someone great happens to show up in my life, then I would consider a relationship". Nothing wrong with that and it's very honest. The problems lies with how one expresses their intentions. Selling yourself as someone whose goal is to find a committed partner is not the same as selling yourself as someone who is primarily interested in a casual relationship. That's called lying.

See the issue with being honest is that it limits the dating pool. When I was online dating, I chatted to lots and lots of men and went on 33 first dates in what amounted to 12 weeks online. Any profile that stated "casual" or who answered the question "what are you looking for?" with "I don't know" or "casual" or "maybe something serious" was an automatic NO. Of those 33 first dates, probably a third would fall under the "looking for casual" category but lied because they knew I wouldn't have wasted my time with them. Women don't have as hard of a time finding casual sex as men so we tend to see more men lying about their intentions than women, but I'm sure there are women who say they want casual who are actually interested in a committed relationship.
I will only say many many many men would take sex if it presented itself, but that doesn't mean that it changes the fact that they aren't looking for a relationship if the right person came along.

What happens if a man tells a lady he is looking for a relationship and the woman changes her usual strategy of sleeping with men on the first date to making this guy wait? I have heard women who do this depending on the 'sort of man' they go on a date with.

I don't see a problem with saying you are looking for a relationship then if sex happens with them at that early a point, deciding it's not what you are into. Maybe it was good sex but you aren't really feeling it. Or whether sexist or not, as a general rule don't seriously date women that have sex with them that early.
 
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