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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I've been married for 10 years to my husband. We have two daughters (mine) in college. I am his third wife, he is my second. The first five years were good overall - but the last five have been pretty tough. My husband had multiple surgeries, the last resulting in some pretty severe nerve damage with chronic pain. He now takes high dosages of narcotics and was unable to return to his profession.

We relocated to another state for my job where I received a pay increase plus we have a lower cost of living to accomodate this change in our family income.

Over the course of the last few years, he's become a lot less attentive and affection has dwindled to nearly nothing. I had tried talking to him about this but it never changed.

Meanwhile, I became more and more involved in work as a way of compensating for what I was missing at home. I travel pretty frequently (about 2 - 3 times a month). After commiserating with a male colleague who was having similar issues, he and I struck up a friendship (not smart, I know this now) and we began emailing/texting much more frequently and then it turned inappropriate (pictures/content).

My husband found the activity on my cell phone and needless to say all hell broke loose. He was understandably hurt and upset. As I had not felt this was a good marriage for a while, I wanted to divorce then but he wanted to work things out so we did.

During the working things out phase, we conceived a child who was born a few months ago. During the pregnancy, he raised questions about paternity which I again understood and told him he could test to feel comfortable. (He chose not to). He remains as he was before, not very affectionate and honestly now it's even worse since he's paranoid about everything I do.

For him, it's a dealbreaker unless I give him all passwords/access to email, phone (I have a secured phone for work), and Facebook. I'm just not sure it's reasonable to have this type of constant monitoring so I figured I'd put this out to get some other thoughts, opinions, suggestions.
 

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Well, as someone who was in your husbands shoes, I can tell you that if you want your husband to ever come close to getting over what you did, you need to give him your passwords to everything.

My W did this for me for awhile, and then when she decided it was long enough, and changed them all to hide again, it was very quickly that she went right back to her bad behavior.

So not only will it make your husband start to heal, but it will hold you accountable as well.
 

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For him, it's a dealbreaker unless I give him all passwords/access to email, phone (I have a secured phone for work), and Facebook. I'm just not sure it's reasonable to have this type of constant monitoring so I figured I'd put this out to get some other thoughts, opinions, suggestions.
My thoughts, as a former disloyal spouse myself, is that it's my opinion that being married to someone MEANS that you are intimate with them in every way (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually), and you are intimate with them ALONE in a way that you are not intimate with anyone else on the planet. I keep it really simple: I give 100% of my affection and loyal to my spouse and no one else.

To me, the very definition of being intimate with someone MEANS that I am transparently honest with him---and there I envision being "see through" enough so that he can see the True Me. That is to say, I am open and share with him my true thoughts, feelings, interests, everything. I want him to see who I truly am, what I am afraid of, what I struggle with, what I think about things, my opinions, things that hurt me...all of it so that he can see who I truly am, and love me in spite of my warts. In a relationship like that, where I let him SEE me, you can see where it would make sense for me to share everything with him, including passwords to everything, my Facebook, my email, my cell phone, my computer...

My guess is that when you were talking with the Other Man (OM) that you put a few barriers in place to sort of hide yourself. For example, maybe you password protected your laptop or your cell phone....and you SURELY did not want him to read the emails you were sending back and forth!! So you hid those too. You were hiding the True You. You were showing him a fake face and a false front, and what he's asking you to do is to be transparent and show him. Look at it this way: he can not recover from the betrayal and the marriage (as an entity) can not be reconciled if it is built one partner being "fake."

So at first he may monitor, that's true--but it's also reasonable because you spent years building trust with him only to turn around as use that trust against him as a weapon. You specifically hid things from him and used "trust me" as a way to hurt him behind his own back. So now, he wants to rebuild the trust by verifying: are you where you told him you'd be? With who you said you'd be with? Doing what you said you'd be doing? When he verifies that your words and your actions MATCH...that builds trust (or in this instance, rebuilds it). When you prevent him from verifying, he can assume that your words do not match your actions and thus you're lying = tearing down the trust.

So I personally support giving him passwords and access to all. He is your husband--the man you love who used to love you (and probably still does). It is reasonable for him to know about and be involved in every aspect of your life.
 

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If you want to keep your marriage intact, you should willingly give him all of your computer/cell-phone passwords, and conversely, he should also give you all of his! That would only be fair!

Now as far as paternity of your child is concerned... is there any possible way that it could be the OM's? If there's even a scintilla of a chance, then I'd say that a paternity test is definitely in order!
 

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I've been married for 10 years to my husband. We have two daughters (mine) in college. I am his third wife, he is my first. The first five years were good overall - but the last five have been pretty tough. My husband had multiple surgeries, the last resulting in some pretty severe nerve damage with chronic pain. He now takes high dosages of narcotics and was unable to return to his profession.

We relocated to another state for my job where I received a pay increase plus we have a lower cost of living to accomodate this change in our family income.

Over the course of the last few years, he's become a lot less attentive and affection has dwindled to nearly nothing. I had tried talking to him about this but it never changed.

Meanwhile, I became more and more involved in work as a way of compensating for what I was missing at home. I travel pretty frequently (about 2 - 3 times a month). After commiserating with a male colleague who was having similar issues, he and I struck up a friendship (not smart, I know this now) and we began emailing/texting much more frequently and then it turned inappropriate (pictures/content).

My husband found the activity on my cell phone and needless to say all hell broke loose. He was understandably hurt and upset. As I had not felt this was a good marriage for a while, I wanted to divorce then but he wanted to work things out so we did.

During the working things out phase, we conceived a child who was born a few months ago. During the pregnancy, he raised questions about paternity which I again understood and told him he could test to feel comfortable. (He chose not to). He remains as he was before, not very affectionate and honestly now it's even worse since he's paranoid about everything I do.

For him, it's a dealbreaker unless I give him all passwords/access to email, phone (I have a secured phone for work), and Facebook. I'm just not sure it's reasonable to have this type of constant monitoring so I figured I'd put this out to get some other thoughts, opinions, suggestions.
Yea that's pretty standard sweet heart. The tone of your message sounds like you really haven't accepted the full weight of your choices.

See for your husband to feel that way you were probably in the midst of an EA (emotional Affair). While no you did not sleep with anyone. Emotional Affairs are usually a precursor to Physical Affairs.
Trust me, if you think you're special because you would never cheat, why would you put your self in a situation that would lead to cheating. Plus by putting yourself in a compromising position emotionally you cheated.

See the real betrayal here is the fact that you are obviously looking outside the marriage for something. Which to your husband shows him that you have the capability of cheating on him.
So in order to show him that you will not do this again. You should be sending the OM a NC letter that states you will not contact him again, you made a mistake. At which point you show your husband the message and after that message the OM is dead to you. Next you show him that you aren't hiding anything.
See i have read how far people will go to hide their affairs. So willingly giving up passwords, email accounts, and all that shows him you aren't hiding anything else.

I found my wife exchanging in appropriate text messages with OM. a year and a half later I was perusing the phone logs and found she had contacted him 8 months afterwards and texted for 15 days straight.

So if you want this to get better stop worrying about what you think is right, wrong, or whatever. And start figuring out what the hell you can do to heal the knife wound you just put in your husbands heart. I'd suggest you get into marriage counceling and individual counceling tomorrow.

Also if you want help putting the story in perspective, why don't you tell us exactly what was in those text messages. Then tell us what was in the text messages you deleted.
 

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I agree with Hope. My husband knows ALL of my passwords and is free to access anything he wants, anytime he wants. I have access to all of his. Hey, once you cross over that line, your spouse calls the shots, not you. If you want it to work, you give him the passwords. Period.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
There is definitely no question of paternity but I didn't rule testing out since I wanted him to feel confident. I had not progressed to a PA but would not say that I wouldn't have either. I have no trouble copping to what I had or had not done and the pain that caused nor am I trying to justify that the problems in my marriage were acceptable cause.

I really don't have any solid objections or issues with giving him access to my email and Facebook and gave up my personal cell phone altogether since that was the source used for contact. I don't like the fact that he wants this since I may talk to a friend (not THAT kind of friend) about things that are happening between us.

The issue that I'm stuck on is that I have a phone secured for work. My job gives me some security clearances and access to information which I do not feel comfortable in sharing. He knows this and knows that it's monitored by my company but still does not feel it's appropriate for me not to share that access.

I don't have contact with the OM and to be honest, my husband did see all the text messages and pictures. They were discussions between us of frustration in our marriages, lack of sex and nude photos (both ways).

I've asked him to find a counselor that he feels comfortable with since I don't want it said that I found someone to 'side with me' but he hasn't done that either.
 

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If it's reasonable for women (and IMO it is) It's reasonable for men.
 

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What do you think abut this kind of marriage:
Honey, it seems the router crashed, can to check my email from your labtop? Remember the password?
Hub, I forgot my cell at home, please find out whether I received a text or VM from a client, remember the pin?
Do you think they have secrets from each other? Is it that bad? Why?

Another question: if (a huge IF) you goal is to regain your husband shattered trust after deceiving him for a while, and asuming (yeah, another huge IF) you have nothing to hide anymore pluss don't pretend to deceive him in the future; why in the hell you are not offering every password in the world? What's your agenda?

You have been proven to be untrustworthy, a liar (hiding the truth is just a different lie) who would backstab him. Is he supossed to trust you because what?

Lurk here for a while, search another infidelity/marriage websites. You will find the first request after infidelity are; NC letter and total transparence in comunication devices.

That's the thing, you know damm well you can eayly find a way to cheat on him. He also knows. So what's the point? Well, you unwillingness to be transparent, your secretiveness (now it's how he will intepret it) is very telling. In your husband shoes I'd take account of it.
 

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I can see your point--the only argument that you could possibly make to tell your husband no to accessing your phone--that you have access to confidential information and your work doesn't allow it.

My husband also has confidential information on his phone. Most people do, who have professional jobs. That's part of what it means to have a profession.

You are in a tight spot--so which are you going to choose? Take the risk of losing your job, or losing your husband? It's your choice. I realize you resent being put in that position, but that is a logical consequence of profoundly betraying the person you swore life-long fidelity to. Yes, it's true, you might give him access and even then he'll never regain his trust. But that is the risk that you're being presented with.

None of us means to be mean. We are just speaking the honest truth. Marriage is extremely hard. Life-long fidelity is no cake walk. Few of us realize when we take our vows that yes, our spouses might really become ill and incapacited and that might happen far sooner than we ever expect. Yes, you were neglected by him and that was very wrong. But--how does going outside the marriage for emotional connection solve that problem? Obviously, it does not--it only makes the situation worse, all the way around.

Here is what I posted in the thread that Acabado linked above:

Personally, I really like the Policy of Radical Honesty on the marriagebuilders website (run by the Harleys--Dr. Harley is the author of His Needs / Her Needs and Love Busters; HN/HN is one of the most recommended books on this forum):
The Policy of Radical Honesty

emotional honesty:
Emotional Honesty

historical honesty:
Historical Honesty

current honesty:
Current Honesty

future honesty:
Future Honesty


Here's the quote from the essay on "current honesty":

In good marriages, couples become so interdependent that sharing a daily schedule is essential to their coordination of activities. But in weak marriages, couples are reluctant to provide their schedules, because they are often engaged in an assortment of Love Busters. They may know that their spouses would object to their activities, so they tell themselves, What they don't know won't hurt them. They have what I call a "secret second life."

But there are many who really have nothing to hide; yet they feel the need for privacy. They are offended when their spouse asks where they've been or what they've done. They feel that their spouse should trust them, and not assume the worst.

I'm dead-set against privacy in marriage, because it creates an unnecessary barrier to problem solving. When you and your spouse married, two became one. That means that prior to marriage, you had no one but yourself to consider when you made choices, and now you have each other to consider. There should be no part of your life that is off limits to your spouse, because literally everything that either of you do will ultimately affect each other. Privacy breeds incompatibility because it represents a part of your life that is off limits to accommodation.

Even when activities are innocent, it's extremely important for your spouse to understand what you do with your time. Be easy to check up on and find in an emergency. Give each other your daily schedules so you can communicate about how you spend your time. Since almost every thing you do will affect your spouse, it is important to explain what it is you do.
Are you two in counseling?
 

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it was iheartlife's post in that thread I wanted you to read. Thanks you for chiming in.

Friend, clean your side so you can demand some changes on his part. Throught the post above search the marriagebuilder's entire site.
 

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As I had not felt this was a good marriage for a while, I wanted to divorce then but he wanted to work things out so we did.
This statement leads me to believe that you have limits on what you're willing to offer up to your BH, things that are probably going to be crucial to a proper R.

That being said, if you really want to make every effort to gain back his trust, you'll find a way to be completely transparent. You said yourself that he's paranoid. (I'm wondering if you used that word without really thinking of the denotation, considering it means suspicion without cause.) Working things out would include attempting to allay his fears and pain to the best of your ability.
Are you sure you're up to it?

I hope everything works out.
 

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My wife and I share passwords and leave our e-mails up on a shared computer most of the time. But I do have a government agency-issued laptop and Blackberry that she cannot get access to, for security reasons. I think such an arrangement needs to be made in your situation, as your company policy likely prohibits unauthorized access.
 

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TCSRedhead, if you want to save your marriage you need to give them up.

I caught my STBXW in the midst of an EA/PA that lasted for over 1 1/2 years...maybe longer. She said she wanted to save our marriage but she refused to give me passwords. She even refused to remove the access passwords to her computer and cell phone. She claimed I had no right to invade her privacy. She also said that she didn't want me reading personal email and messages from her friends.

Her attitude about this made me realize that she didn't think she should have to give up anything...she wasn't remorseful. I wasn't asking her for passwords just to be spiteful...I needed them in order to verify so I could trust her again. Apparently she didn't see it that way. Her messages to her friends were more important then our marriage.

I had no choice but to file for divorce.
 

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All passwords should be shared.
Complete transparency on both sides.
He should be able to check up on you whenever he wants.
If you've got nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a problem!
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Discussion Starter #19
I think that if he will agree to MC and IC then I will share all personal passwords. I cannot share access to my work laptop or cell without severe repurcussions from my employer. As I am the sole breadwinner right now, I can't lose my job.
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I broke my neck just over 4 years ago. I deal with very severe chronic pain. It's a living hell way to live. Since my injury my insecurities spiraled downhill and I need reassurance from my husband.

My husband has been wonderful. He does everything in his power to support me. There are days where I'm fighting from going into a depression. I feel worthless and unworthy as a wife. I'm not the same wife he married over 12 years ago. I'm now disabled. My husband will stand by my side until the end. I will eventually be in a wheelchair full time, which I find incredibly embarrassing. I'm only in my late 30's.

About a year ago I have accepted my pain. I've involved myself in a few hobbies. I'm unable to leave the house, but I have a good routine on my good days. I, too, take medications. These medications are misunderstood and are very necessary when used correctly. I follow the rules to a T.

Currently I have a kidney infection. Life is throwing me more curve balls. At least I managed to stay out of the hospital this time. My last kidney infection has permanently damaged my kidney. I was hospitalized for 5 nights.

I understand your husbands insecurities. He needs assurance from you. My pain clinic doctor says I'm very blessed by my husbands support. He's a very honorable man and I can't say enough good things about him. He meets my needs in every way possible.

It's up to you what you want to do with your life and your marriage. You both might benefit from counseling. Good luck! I know it's very difficult living with someone who suffers from chronic pain. It's even more difficult living it. I never ever get a break from the pain, ever!

I believe in total transparency. We have each other passwords and cell phones at all times.
 
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