[CrAzYdOgLaDy]

Well once again I guess I"m obtuse. 2 girls get together and chat or watch movies til late and this is some huge deal?

Have I ever chatted with a friend a lot longer than anticipated? yes.
Do I sometimes lose track of time? yes.
Do I text my husband sometimes certainly before 4 am BUT anytime he's wondering where I'm at he also texts or calls me and he can find my location anytime he wants.

You BOTH have **** communication techniques and styles.
Could she be cheating, yes. Do I think she's cheating, I don't know. I do know what's been presented here doesn't seem like any smoking gun.

Also about the hospital thing.
So a widower of your wifes best friend HAS TO HAVE an adult drive them home from surgery. Around here the hospital WILL NOT allow anyone to have surgery without someone checking them in that is responsible for checking them out. You are not allowed to use an Uber or Lyft as you that person is supposed to stay with you for x amount of time. This is the rules.

As the dead wife's best friend I don't see this as abnormal. We haven't heard anything about the 'girlfriend' I mean they are labeled girlfriends for reasons. Like I haven't been going out with him long and don't feel comfortable being a care giver. He hasn't even come close to committing and I have a life so I'll see him when he gets better. Girlfriend/Boyfriend isn't married. Doesn't mean reliable, willing or able. It can but doesn't have to mean that. Even some spouses can't be relied on. I wouldn't hesitate to help someone with this if they asked. ESPECIALLY if they were older and the widower of my best friend. Again if I wasn't home by the time my husband got off work, he would call me and ask me how's it going, my plans for coming home and if I wanted him to bring me dinner, or actually he'd just assume he was bringing dinner and ask me what I want then he'd come over and help. So why didn't you call when you first started to get irritated? Why did it not occur to you to help? It seems her independence may be part of you and her relationship style.

I see everyone telling you she's cheating and disrespecting you and to divorce.
That is certainly an option. But I find imperfect people come here and are told to expect their spouses to be perfect after being 'told' to do so. It feels like your relationship style is different than most and that you two have built more of an independent relationship style than many. You seem to get upset but don't do normal things that many people do that would circumvent the situation and then just explode. Frankly the confiscating of the underwear is also a big red flag. Did you use the find your phone to see if she was at the neighbors? Do you think she's doing the husband with the wife home? while possible not likely which means you are doing this stuff kind of over the top.

I think you two do need to learn a style of communication and boundary setting much better than you have. I think you both could use some professional help but many professionals may not be equipped to deal with you two.

Does your wife ever complain you aren't affectionate enough? That you don't connect with her?

I do know that in the divorce she'd be entitled to 50% and alimony if you continue to work. I do know that it sounds like she would have no trouble finding a replacement. While she's 70, she still likes sex, likes to go hunting, fishing and such and is still good looking with big breast the apparent number one quality men look for..... You may have no trouble finding another woman as apparently at this age there are plenty of desperate women. BUT I don't know too many that want to fish, boat, have lots of sex and are fit with large breasts. I wish you luck. I hope you figure out how to get what you want in life. You still have anywhere from a 1 day to 50 years left. Figure out how to get what you REALLY want. First figure out what you want... Then have a plan to get that. A realistic plan. Don't let me or anyone else make you think you have to do xyz.

It's not the 1st time his wife has stayed out without telling her husband. She's done this many times. I've stayed overnight at friends also but my husband would always know. Her behaviour is dodgy, disrespectful of her husband, ignoring calls, texts etc.

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[ShatteredKat]

Him.

Consequences - you have seen/read the type - I blamed myself for her "investing" in another relationship. She has never lived alone in life. Living with me was different - I am not a drama fan and don't talk much about anthing just to put out warm air.

She did some cleaning on her craft trailer - not much but mice can get in (I have put foam everywhere but yet to fill the hole they have found) - I went in an checked devices for dead batteries - two radios/cd player, two clocks, removed corroded batteries and cleaned up the devices and left the rest to her.
Regarding all the Barbie doll stuff - it is out of the house now!!!!! But in our storage shed. I checked and I can stlll get to the yard tools and roto-tiller (light duty gardening)

She has said very little to me since PM yesterday and slept in one of our recliner chairs last night.

Turned on the telly and "Last of the Mohicans" was playing on a movie channel. The canoe paddleing scene was shot on Lake James here in NC. It is a long drive from my abode but it occurred to me I have never fished that lake and there are lots of places to stay that are not to $$.
PM tomorrow same as today - I'm going to visit Lake James for the weekend. And since it's St. Pats weekend - hit a pub!

 

[Openminded]

So she had no real consequences for kissing someone else? She has just continued to do as she pleased?

 

[ShatteredKat]

She dropped out of college - AP was student in her curriculum. Never went back. Began selling off all her photography equiment. This was before digital got out of the lab or military. Dark room stuff.
Lots of cameras and Lens and filters and ??? - stuff I know little about. Other than that - I have not found any evidence of any/more paramours. But, she has had lots of opportunity while traveling.

A lot of times I was neck deep in work and would not have noticed a Giraffe in the yard.

 

[Evinrude58]

So she’s not really left, just trying to punish you with the silent treatment, and holding out for when you settle back down…..

I suggest having a continued cleaning spree and just accept that the money for all that nonsense is Just gone and box it up and take it to goodwill.

Maybe try going to counseling. You’ve been together 50 years……stop accepting one another’s particularly damaging behaviors and start trying to have fun together. She’s not going anywhere. WHO else but youwoukd lit up with her?

 

[Mr.Married]

You didn’t pay attention to @TinyTbone post. The bottom line was that he had to draw the line and make a permanent choice. Until you do that you are just wallowing around. Decide what you want, make it known clearly, then do it or end it. It’s that simple.

 

[In Absentia]

As I said before, you are trying to change your wife after all these years and it won't happen. She is now behaving in a passive-aggressive manner and it will just get worse because she can't do what she wants. You are trying to "muzzle" her, but her behaviour is just too ingrained to have any results. Also, do you want to stay with a woman who resents you? There isn't a solution to this. Too much water under the bridge.

 

[Openminded]

You say you’ve known her for 50 years and dated off and on until you married her when both of you were in your 30’s — so 15 years or so later. In between meeting her and marrying her both of you had other marriages and children?

 

[SunCMars]

Consequences - you have seen/read the type - I blamed myself for her "investing" in another relationship. She has never lived alone in life. Living with me was different - I am not a drama fan and don't talk much about anthing just to put out warm air.

She did some cleaning on her craft trailer - not much but mice can get in (I have put foam everywhere but yet to fill the hole they have found) - I went in an checked devices for dead batteries - two radios/cd player, two clocks, removed corroded batteries and cleaned up the devices and left the rest to her.
Regarding all the Barbie doll stuff - it is out of the house now!!!!! But in our storage shed. I checked and I can stlll get to the yard tools and roto-tiller (light duty gardening)

She has said very little to me since PM yesterday and slept in one of our recliner chairs last night.

Turned on the telly and "Last of the Mohicans" was playing on a movie channel. The canoe paddleing scene was shot on Lake James here in NC. It is a long drive from my abode but it occurred to me I have never fished that lake and there are lots of places to stay that are not to $$.
PM tomorrow same as today - I'm going to visit Lake James for the weekend. And since it's St. Pats weekend - hit a pub!

Are they biting now, in North Carolina?

If so, lucky you!

I bought my boat in South Carolina, a good number of years ago.

It is a refinished 1970 Boston Whaler, 17 ft Montauk.

It has seen Lake Jocassee, SC, denoted from the decal on its Center Console.

I have trailered this boat to many states, Michigan, Maine, Ohio, Pennsylvania, West Virginia.

North Carolina, upper New York, and Tennessee are on my list.

 

[ShatteredKat]

In Absentia:
"She is now behaving in a passive-aggressive manner and it will just get worse because she can't do what she wants."

Close enough - PM today weather going unpleasant till PM tomorrow/Sunday so sitting home for now. For how long?


Openminded:
Met 1971 @ Factory we were employed
Lightly flirted for years - 1980 got together.
Married 1981 Easter.

I was marred a year or two - maybe 1972 - 1974? I don't remember - would have to dig up divorce papers.

Her - married right after HS graduation. Married/living together a few years and due to Physical abuse and hubby doing drugs - she bailed. That time would have been around 1970.

SumCMars:
Boston Whaler are nice boats.
Wife and I got a boat the first year we got together and have been boating/camping ever since. I fish or ?? - she watches and takes pictures.
The first boat - sold when we moved after I graduation from University. We had bought a fixer-upper about same time. 1979 SeaRay 22SRV. Just big enough to spend a few nights on. To big for a casual afternoon picnic on the lake and being a mini-cabin cruiser - not to good for fishing in a lake.
Plus big V8 engine eats gas fast - 55 gallon tank which I don't fill up much!
So we (after I asked her is she would agree) bought a Lund 16.5 "2008 Fishing anniversary" boat. 40HP motor so it is small enough to go on any lake the motor is legal. Light enough so if I run aground I can lift it off! - We also have kayaks and a canoe for "no motors allowed" lakes. boating and camping is something we both have shared since getting together.

We both have soft hearts for strays and over the years have picked up half a dozen dogs and to many cats to remember. Dogs can find homes for - cats - not so much. Not sure why campgrounds have so many strays.

Fishing trip put off till PM Sunday as weather clears and front moves on. The Lund has high freeboard and "sails" nicely in a 15 mph breeze. Water is still cold - maybe 55 on top at most everywhere.

One lake we have visited - Lake Moomaw in VA mountains. That was a fun trip.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Agreed that the tossing her stuff was not something I should have done. But no damage to anything

Several years ago - we bought a used travel trailer - 23 feet long - and I took out the couch/bed and put in a work bench for her to pursue glass blowing/beading hobby. She bought 1000s of $$ of stuff - supplies/tools and ???
She messed with it about six months - it has been sitting for years now. $$ wasted in my view.

When "covid" hit - she started making cloth masks - bought several ROLLS of material and all kinds of beads and sequins for decoration - and elastic stuff for wearing. AND A SEWING machine. She already had one - not good enough - new one with ??? number of programmable stitching choices.

Several months ago, started with this Barbie doll thing. She has bought 50 or more from all over the world. Some should have been in the trash - but she is buying bits & pieces to make them whole and
She bought another SEWING MACHINE. Smaller sized for "doll clothes. Get this - just last week she bought ANOTHER sewing machine.... which I did not toss out onto the driveway. Still in the box unused.

One of our bedrooms is 'her' room - there are three dressers/chest drawers fully stuffed with ?? There is an 8 ft. by 4 ft bookshelf completely filled with audio (cd) books. In our sunroom is a storage thing I built with a couple hunderd music CDs. She doesn't listen to any of them - they just sit collecting dust. The bedroom also has a closet stuffed so much can't close door. And another in another bedroom same. One closet has a door shoe-rack with 20-30 pairs of shoes - most not showing ANY wear on the soles - and all black colored.

She won't honor my request to get rid of stuff she won't use anymore. - just keeps adding to the piles/places.
So the Barbie doll thing got started months ago and she has our downstairs bathroom set up for "doing doll
refurbishment activities." If I have to whizz - go upstairs (well, I need the exercise!) or somewhere out in the yard.
neighbors out of eyesight - we "live in the woods."

So my fuse for putting up with her clutter and hoarding is about 1 millimeter long - ergo the tossing stuff in the driveway. Won't do it again but I did get her attention. For how long?

A thought occurred to me- request retirement from my employer and move so a "retirement village" somewhere in SC.
Bad for her as one of the reasons I'm still employed is medical insurance - which she uses a LOT.

And thank you all for your posts.

- sad cat

She needs medical, she can get a job with medical and you retire and do your own thing, she has for years.

 

[Livvie]

She needs medical, she can get a job with medical and you retire and do your own thing, she has for years.

Isn't she 70?

Covered by Medicare.

 

[ShatteredKat]

What happened?
One can send a text message to T-Mobile phone with <ph #>@tmomail.net

3/13 around noon, I sent her text via email client on PC
She replied all is OK
Hours later - 1600 or so - she sent update "Bill still in OR-"

A few more "Still OK" and around 1730 message: "At Bill's house - more later."

I busy myself doing odd stuff like sharpening chainsaw chains or scoping out plumbing
for install new water heater.

Now to last night - late
(Yesterday thunderstorms roll through and I postphone my fishing trip.)

I ask for a conversation - and then time passes and a lot of back on forth over resentments
and other "burr under the blanket" topics.

Finally got to "I MESSAGED YOU AND CALLED" and no reply.

???

I look @ my yahoo and the messages (screenshots above) - never show up in my inbox or spam folder.

???

Can't hear phone ring n garage - steel outbuilding so no cell either. Or under house measuring plumbing.
All the while stewing as noted in this thread.

So when she shows me the texts being sent - well - there is no rock around to crawl under.

For now there is tense atmosphere in the house, she has said the "clutter" will end. (that will take some time)
and going forward - we sleep in the same bed and she will "do the right thing" about keeping me appraised of
her doings. As in call every 15 minutes till I answer and we have a direct conversation if needed details.

And I no longer trust T-Mobile SMS

She did say that in picking up the mess in the driveway - nothing damaged.


Wondering to myself how life is going to proceed and getting stuff ready to ride to a lake.

 

[Exit37]

Deleted - confused with another thread.

 

[Anastasia6]

So I ask again. Why did you stew instead of just calling like around 9pm?
Why didn’t you think to offer to bring dinner?

why after did you not just talk insteadof the passive aggressive crap?

after this many years you two need to learn better ways to communicate.

 

[Anastasia6]

Why do her texts change anything? She is a lousy partner, she knows you don’t want her around that guy and she went anyway. SMH.


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When did he say he doesn’t want her around her best friends widow?

 

[peace&love]

I'm just curious, after all the years together does she still want to be married? It sounds like she loves you but your her father now and not husband. She seems to want to live her own life and come and go as she pleases. Regardless of phone text mix up, still all the other times of not coming home, leaving on the fly with no idea where she is not coming home until morning. That's what single people do. Have you asked her if she just doesn't want to be a married woman anymore?

 

[Mr.Married]

You better stay under that rock for a while. 😁

 

[Exit37]

When did he say he doesn’t want her around her best friends widow?

Yep I’ll delete it, mixed this up with another thread.


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[ShatteredKat]

Made it through the weekend. To windy and temp in low 50s - it's wear 4 layers and double insulated pants on the lake.
Other than a lost catfish (about 5lbs.) and some bream - not much biting.

- the dining room getting cleaned out - there was so much stuff stuffed - found two B&N Nook chargers I'd been missing for some time! Collected a whole plastic grocery bag of cell phone/portable whatever charger cords (USB) and many others I have yet to figure out what they are/were associated with.

Wife spent an hour (!!!) going though boxes of stuff finding pens and checking to see if they wrote and toss if no. Collected about 20 post-it pads, about a dozen cellophane tape rolls. There are 20 or more boxes of stuff now in our storage building. Still a bedroom and two closets to go - she did sort the linen closet and I got a nice supply of ratty towels for rag bin in garage.

We are being civil (sort of?) and she is "sort of" displaying a mopey demeanor.
I'm helping with room cleaning (taking down curtains/cleaning blinds/moving furniture to clean floor) leaving her to continue to sort through more of her "computer corner" stuff.

One item came out late PM last Friday is that she was working the Barbie-doll thing to see if she could start a business in restoring as "people are paying lots of $$" for these dolls. ??? I will be sanity checking that.

For now I would say there is a truce (a bit tense though) for relations and work has started to de-clutter the house.

Income tax time getting near so a few days break on cleaning while she gathers together the info and forms.

One more thing - any info regarding going about will be by word of mouth. SMS follow up or SMS with word of mouth follow up. No assuming "information received by addressee" - mandatory "reply receipt" required.

Odd thing - no word (or she hasn't told me) regarding follow-up for person she was "escorting" for hernia operation.
Info did bubble up in conversation - turns out "no-show girlfriend" is recovering drug-addict and also has recently had
a relative start pushing up Daisies due to drug OD and girlfriend's room-mate is also a loser with to much drama going down at her (girlfriends) residence. I can see (I didn't know any of this earlier than last Friday) that he was socialising with a druggie. Not sure but I thing maybe wife just found out herself and this might curtail her future "assistance" with the person she escorted.

Life is going to be tense for awhile as all of this gets digested mentally and also seeing how the future unfolds.

thanks All