Ok old son. Guess what this is really boling down to, based on your responses is this. Your sick and tired of being sick and tired. You wake up one day, look at the stuff that has now owned your home, look at a woman ya been married to so long ya can't remember the first date and think...who the hell is she? You step outside look around and start thinking what the eff happened? Thought I'd done went and made it! Grew up so poor that dirt was a dessert and now I can afford anything and my life sucks! I feel like I have just wasted my life chasing my tail. Now what the hell do I got to show for it? Standing here frustrated and miserable, pissed off half the time and disgusted the other half. Life feels like utter chaos not calm and soothing. Yet at the end of the thought path is this woman you love, or think you do. Yet you remember a long time ago, she did something shes never told you the truth about. Something that has spent a life time festering away deep inside. Thought it'd go away, yet never did. Shes always shown others what you wanted from her. You feel like a home base for her to live her life from not a happy loving couples life. As the years have gone by, ya convinced yourself its gonna get better, times on your side. Now your at the other end of time, standing there with all this s**t rolling around wondering how the hell ya let it get to this? Ya just wanna let it go, find something new, but afraid its to late, this is just the way it is and gonna have to deal with it. Knowing that for more years to come, yer gonna have to just suck it up in silence and live with that image of what love and devotion is because this is just your lot in life. That this is how it has to be.
I hit that wall @ShatterdKat, at 38 years as well. Had a lot of these feelings. What I did after years of therapy, MC and finally getting a hand on some mental illness of my own was this. I listened to my own inner voice and greatly to what folks here pointed out as truth in life. I finally drew the line and understood if I was going to save my marriage, if it was worth saving, I was going to have to be willing to lose it. Tha hell with how long we'd been together! I wasn't happy at all. I gotta lot of good years left in me and I didn't wanna be miserable all those years. I did the unthinkable. Saw a lawyer got the papers for D and S set up, then had THE talk with the wife, in which I presented her with the paper work and gave her only 2 directions to go. That choice was now, not tomorrow or in a week. She made a decision and we have literally went 180° now from the way things were. I can say for the first time in over 20 years I feel happy and in a healthy and productive relationship! Even our therapist is amazed now. Thing is, old son, I HAD TO MAKE A CHOICE!
