[MIB]

I read the title of this thread. Then I read the first post and wondered why you thought that.

Age never matters if two people want to make it right/better/magical. Remaining years in the glory of a true marital love relationship will bring back smiles and peace of mind.

@ShatteredKat, you deserve to be loved like that. God bless and good fortune.

 

[jlg07]

No idea if she is asleep and that would be unusual as she her "clock" is 9AM to 2AM next morning usually.
Phone shows no change in location since 5:46 PM Thursday.

There is NO reason why she needed to stay over at another mans house. Have you considered having her checked out by a PI? This sounds REALLY fishy and I wouldn't put up with it at all.

 

[jlg07]

this thought has crossed my mind a few times -

"At this point I would almost be rooting for her to have an affair so that I would have a great reason to separate everything. "

So don't wait -- start separating your life NOW -- make sure you will is updated to NOT include her, start doing things YOU want to do with NO regards to what she'd like, don't bother telling her where you are, when you will be back, etc..

Of course I think it would be better to just DUMP her and then you can do all that without the aggravation she is causing you.

What was her excuse for leaving at noon and not getting back until sunrise that you mentioned?

 

[ShatteredKat]

Paid a visit to Home Depot to pick up order - tankless water heater. Took the Mrs. along as she had some packages to return to AMAZON. There is a UPS store nearby for returns so you don't have to pay return shipping. She returned the last purchased sewing machine along with some other stuff.

Total conversation - other than her in a very raised voice saying accusatory things to/about me - less than 10 minutes for the 4 hour trip. I walked around the store trying to remember list I made - and left home. Drive to/from is about 30 minutes if no wrecks. Her: Mopey face and attitude for the whole time.

Leaving the critter to self-steam till tomorrow and then something will happen. No guessing from me as her thinking makes little sense to me.

Thinking back to Tuesday morning after she came in from picking up stuff tossed outside, she said she was only helping a poor soul that reached out to her. And I thought to myself - ya, so you did.
And did so without giving a thought about me. I like being at the wrong end of the line. Right -

jig07:

"What was her excuse for leaving at noon and not getting back until sunrise that you mentioned? "

repost from #71

"I was very wrong for not trying harder to contact you when I figured out his girlfriend was not going to show. I should have left and told him to contact 911 if he ran into any problems. I didn't. I sat on the sofa with two dogs and a cat. If that makes me a cheating **** then I guess that is what I am. You can tell your friends you took care of it. You made it plain that you were fed up. i will be out of your hair as soon as I can find a place to stay or in the car if that isn't suitable."

I don't interpret that as an apology or an honest reason to not have called and SPOKEN to me regarding exactly what her intent was.

As someone has already posted - She does what she wants without giving me, her spouse, any or much thought.

Right now she is on phone with brother talking like life is all Daises and Warm Breezes.
I don't eavesdrop and she goes into another room to chat. I can hear her tone of voice.

I feel my BP rising as she is starting to act (a bit) like "Just let him fester on it for a few days and we will be back to normal."

One good thing so far - she hasn't started bringing stuff back into the dining room.
And another wonder - years ago we each got a 7inch Samsung Tablet from Verizon.
I have been looking for a few months anywhere I could think of to find one of them and make sure
it got charged - battery maintenance. When I asked her for help - I got dismissed her claiming we never bought a 2nd one. She cleans up the dining room (I didn't toss ALL of the mess) and it magically appeared.

Open to any reply question: I think she is losing her cabbage and I would like her to see a mental health doc. How to broach that subject? To me to attempt is likely to have the same result as trying to pet a wild Leopard. (she keeps nails long enough to do major damage)

I reread all the posts and likely will review again later this week.
I get the message I have to SXXX or get off the pot. And I have been a wuss.

thanks All

 

[*Deidre*]

It probably would feel like losing a limb, leaving your wife, because you’ve spent so much time with her. Despite the bad treatment, you probably can’t imagine life without her. So it just comes down to if you want a better life, if you can imagine what that could look like for you. Your wife won’t give you that, only you can. So, I guess now, it’s up to you.

 

[Faithful Wife]

It sounds like you both need counseling. Is she willing to do a couples counselor with you? If not you should find a counselor for yourself so you can talk through all of these issues and try to get good with yourself and how you want to handle this.

 

[SnakePlissken]

It sounds like you both need counseling. Is she willing to do a couples counselor with you? If not you should find a counselor for yourself so you can talk through all of these issues and try to get good with yourself and how you want to handle this.

I agree on finding a counselor for yourself.

It might help just to try a few sessions to see if it will help you figure out why you are keeping yourself in this situation.

Based on what I am reading it sounds like you are very unhappy and don't see a clear way forward.

It seems to me that you want to be with someone who is going to make you a priority and you want that person to be your wife.
It also seems to me like your wife is not currently and has no desire to be that person for you.
Whether you stay or leave are big decisions that could help to talk through with a professional.

 

[ShatteredKat]

It probably would feel like losing a limb, leaving your wife, because you’ve spent so much time with her. Despite the bad treatment, you probably can’t imagine life without her. So it just comes down to if you want a better life, if you can imagine what that could look like for you. Your wife won’t give you that, only you can. So, I guess now, it’s up to you.

"It's up to you" - correct - she has never been one to work on sorting out our issues. I have to bring them up and tie her down to talk.

It sounds like you both need counseling. Is she willing to do a couples counselor with you? If not you should find a counselor for yourself so you can talk through all of these issues and try to get good with yourself and how you want to handle this.

How to I broach the subject of her getting counseling? She has a lot of PRIDE and alss "I can take care of myself." attitude. One way or another this is going on the table - I will probably screw up presenting the idea but the IDEA is going on the table for consideration. Look a pics previously posted. Decades ago - she didn't have this habit or behavior. What changed? (Rhetorical question)

You people here on TAM are my sounselors!!!!! So I grew up poor, but have overcome obstacles and now have no worries about costs to live. dollarwise - mentally - I don't (as has been pointed out) need to use my "growing up" as a crutch for what I have allowed to fester.

I agree on finding a counselor for yourself.

It might help just to try a few sessions to see if it will help you figure out why you are keeping yourself in this situation.

Based on what I am reading it sounds like you are very unhappy and don't see a clear way forward.

It seems to me that you want to be with someone who is going to make you a priority and you want that person to be your wife.
It also seems to me like your wife is not currently and has no desire to be that person for you.
Whether you stay or leave are big decisions that could help to talk through with a professional.

I don't depend on wife "validating" me. My Granddaddy and Uncles taught me how to fix anything in a house and a car. I have kept abreast in changes to how a house is built and the mechanical stuff.
Some stuff I pay for as I don't own the tools (like AC work) - otherwise, I take on the tasks. Cars have gotten complex but computer code readers and internet blogs where others have posted solutions make fixing cars easy enough. Some stuff still goes to the dealer though! Ever change a ball joint or a CV joint? Not me - let the dealer guy bust his knuckles! (Plus you have to get alignment anyway)

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all of this "go happy' in short order but life isn't like that.
I will take time to give her a chance to consider what give and take should be in our marriage.

The hoarding and not coming home at night will cease - or my fate choices have been will pruned.

regarding the posts quoted -

all true in whole or in part

Her initial reaction to my cleaning of the dining room table is getting less angry.
Her initial note to me regarding "I'm leaving" hasn't been repeated. (Think not so mature thinking there)
We have four Lost & Found cats - all with good house manners and affectionate personalities that she realizes she would have to leave. She LOVES her cats. (I would like a Lab but don't have the time to give to a dog such as that)

Tomorrow is $$$ day discussion - what it will look like if we go separate ways. She will not like the look as her standard of living will be severely changed. Mine will too, if it comes to that, but I have lived in a trailer with no fridge and only propane space heater and no bathroom. I know how to survive.
I don't want that - but sometimes life dictates your situation.

 

[jlg07]

jig07:

"What was her excuse for leaving at noon and not getting back until sunrise that you mentioned? "

repost from #71

"I was very wrong for not trying harder to contact you when I figured out his girlfriend was not going to show. I should have left and told him to contact 911 if he ran into any problems. I didn't. I sat on the sofa with two dogs and a cat. If that makes me a cheating **** then I guess that is what I am. You can tell your friends you took care of it. You made it plain that you were fed up. i will be out of your hair as soon as I can find a place to stay or in the car if that isn't suitable."

Sorry SK -- I meant THIS time below when she went out, not when she took care of the "sick" friend:

Middle of last year she did one of the "I'm going out and be home @ 12" - and not show up till almost Sunrise.

What did she say for this one?

 

[ShatteredKat]

Life just gets to complex and fried brains (overload) no help

Situation:

Wife has neighbor/friend with MAJOR lack of judgement regarding social interactions.
Wife and neighbor often do activities (mostly daytime) together.
Wife and neighbor have a routine "Friday night movies get together" majority at our house as I have an AWEsome home theater set up - best in the neighborhood.
Sometimes wife goes to neighbors house (27 inch tv and dvd player set up) with 3 big dogs, cigarettes (we don't smoke)

One Friday she says "Going for movies tonigh at <neighbor>s"
No problem - I can entertain myself easy enough.

One o'clock rolls around - no wife. ???!!
TWO o'clock - no wife. Me? WTF??!! is going on (reference comment about social stuff above)
THREE - I and very nervous and thinking of calling as my suspicions are running rampant.
Ok - fuse finally blows @ 0400 - and I call her CELL number and ??? She sees the house number caller id and decides to hotfoot home. I was not nice. Of course SHE is pissed I con't TRUST her.
(note in above post - she has that "cheaters seed" in her personality.
OK - to make my point I confiscate her panties when she jumps in the shower (think Checkmate)
and she goes Whammo Ballistic. Too Bad - they are GOING to get inspected later.
Cue seveal days of coldness. She has not EXCUSE other than "we lost track of time." right, NOT!

Inspection came out clean ( used a condom?) - but my lack of trust based on years of "doing as I please" behavior was well noticed.

Guess what? Your Monday night not coming home just validated my continuing lack of trust in your judegment and also your respect for me as your spouse.

Passing though - amazing how life can turn to crap in a moment. Or a long evening -

Hope my long post clears up the question.

How much do I trust her now? She is 5'9" and about 150 I guess (nice padding!!) - I trust her about as far as I could throw her. I can carry a bag of cement (94 lbs.) no problem - her? not so much

 

[Anastasia6]

So is this neighbor male?

 

[ShatteredKat]

Female - and has odd relationship with her husband (don't know particulars and don't ask) - they have separate bedrooms.

 

[Anastasia6]

Female - and has odd relationship with her husband (don't know particulars and don't ask) - they have separate bedrooms.

So why test her panties?

why wait til 4 am to call?

you seem to avoid and then explode.

while you two can discuss money, you know the court decides in a divorce unless it’s uncontested right?

 

[Jimi007]

The staying out all night with out communication is a definite RedFlag...

I'm not sure why she doesn't think this is an ìssue unless she is actually doing something behind your back...

I would get hold of her phone and do some digging...

 

[Mr.Married]

I’m not quite clear on what you are getting at. You think she is screwing the neighbor friend’s husband?

 

[1Autumn72]

"I was very wrong for not trying harder to contact you when I figured out his girlfriend was not going to show. I should have left and told him to contact 911 if he ran into any problems. I didn't. I sat on the sofa with two dogs and a cat. If that makes me a cheating **** then I guess that is what I am. You can tell your friends you took care of it. You made it plain that you were fed up. i will be out of your hair as soon as I can find a place to stay or in the car if that isn't suitable."

So you are supposed to believe the girlfriend just didn’t show, didn’t call or text them, and in turn they didn’t think to contact her and see what’s up? Then she just sat on the sofa all night with the pets…ughhh.

 

[*Deidre*]

Just my opinion, I think couples counseling will just confuse you more. Your wife, for whatever the reasons, doesn’t respect you. Like, at all. Counseling could help you to sort out why you’ve allowed this to happen for so long. But, I don’t personally see counseling as being able to fix someone’s character and lack of integrity. This is just me, but yes counseling can help certain situations but it tends to be something people cling to because they’re so hopeful that the situation will change. I think your wife wants to be married for the benefits of it but doesn’t want the accountability of it.

 

[SunCMars]

Paid a visit to Home Depot to pick up order - tankless water heater. Took the Mrs. along as she had some packages to return to AMAZON. There is a UPS store nearby for returns so you don't have to pay return shipping. She returned the last purchased sewing machine along with some other stuff.

Total conversation - other than her in a very raised voice saying accusatory things to/about me - less than 10 minutes for the 4 hour trip. I walked around the store trying to remember list I made - and left home. Drive to/from is about 30 minutes if no wrecks. Her: Mopey face and attitude for the whole time.

Leaving the critter to self-steam till tomorrow and then something will happen. No guessing from me as her thinking makes little sense to me.

Thinking back to Tuesday morning after she came in from picking up stuff tossed outside, she said she was only helping a poor soul that reached out to her. And I thought to myself - ya, so you did.
And did so without giving a thought about me. I like being at the wrong end of the line. Right -

jig07:

"What was her excuse for leaving at noon and not getting back until sunrise that you mentioned? "

repost from #71

"I was very wrong for not trying harder to contact you when I figured out his girlfriend was not going to show. I should have left and told him to contact 911 if he ran into any problems. I didn't. I sat on the sofa with two dogs and a cat. If that makes me a cheating **** then I guess that is what I am. You can tell your friends you took care of it. You made it plain that you were fed up. i will be out of your hair as soon as I can find a place to stay or in the car if that isn't suitable."

I don't interpret that as an apology or an honest reason to not have called and SPOKEN to me regarding exactly what her intent was.

As someone has already posted - She does what she wants without giving me, her spouse, any or much thought.

Right now she is on phone with brother talking like life is all Daises and Warm Breezes.
I don't eavesdrop and she goes into another room to chat. I can hear her tone of voice.

I feel my BP rising as she is starting to act (a bit) like "Just let him fester on it for a few days and we will be back to normal."

One good thing so far - she hasn't started bringing stuff back into the dining room.
And another wonder - years ago we each got a 7inch Samsung Tablet from Verizon.
I have been looking for a few months anywhere I could think of to find one of them and make sure
it got charged - battery maintenance. When I asked her for help - I got dismissed her claiming we never bought a 2nd one. She cleans up the dining room (I didn't toss ALL of the mess) and it magically appeared.

Open to any reply question: I think she is losing her cabbage and I would like her to see a mental health doc. How to broach that subject? To me to attempt is likely to have the same result as trying to pet a wild Leopard. (she keeps nails long enough to do major damage)

I reread all the posts and likely will review again later this week.
I get the message I have to SXXX or get off the pot. And I have been a wuss.

thanks All

You know she is up there...

In years and in bra-size.

I hope it is not *early onset dementia or something similar.

*she is 70 years old, so, that is not really early.

Some typical symptoms:

• memory loss
• difficulty concentrating
• finding it hard to carry out familiar daily tasks, such as getting confused over the correct change when shopping
• struggling to follow a conversation or find the right word
• being confused about time and place
• mood changes

 

[jlg07]

Life just gets to complex and fried brains (overload) no help

Situation:

Wife has neighbor/friend with MAJOR lack of judgement regarding social interactions.
Wife and neighbor often do activities (mostly daytime) together.
Wife and neighbor have a routine "Friday night movies get together" majority at our house as I have an AWEsome home theater set up - best in the neighborhood.
Sometimes wife goes to neighbors house (27 inch tv and dvd player set up) with 3 big dogs, cigarettes (we don't smoke)

One Friday she says "Going for movies tonigh at <neighbor>s"
No problem - I can entertain myself easy enough.

One o'clock rolls around - no wife. ???!!
TWO o'clock - no wife. Me? WTF??!! is going on (reference comment about social stuff above)
THREE - I and very nervous and thinking of calling as my suspicions are running rampant.
Ok - fuse finally blows @ 0400 - and I call her CELL number and ??? She sees the house number caller id and decides to hotfoot home. I was not nice. Of course SHE is pissed I con't TRUST her.
(note in above post - she has that "cheaters seed" in her personality.
OK - to make my point I confiscate her panties when she jumps in the shower (think Checkmate)
and she goes Whammo Ballistic. Too Bad - they are GOING to get inspected later.
Cue seveal days of coldness. She has not EXCUSE other than "we lost track of time." right, NOT!

Inspection came out clean ( used a condom?) - but my lack of trust based on years of "doing as I please" behavior was well noticed.

Guess what? Your Monday night not coming home just validated my continuing lack of trust in your judegment and also your respect for me as your spouse.

Passing though - amazing how life can turn to crap in a moment. Or a long evening -

Hope my long post clears up the question.

How much do I trust her now? She is 5'9" and about 150 I guess (nice padding!!) - I trust her about as far as I could throw her. I can carry a bag of cement (94 lbs.) no problem - her? not so much

So, is this neighbor a woman or a man? If a man, WHY would you agree to let that Friday night movies thing become normal without you ALWAYS involved?
And yeah your wife has **** boundaries.

 

[SunCMars]

Female - and has odd relationship with her husband (don't know particulars and don't ask) - they have separate bedrooms.

Two odd females, doing odd things together, spending the night together.

Or, two odd females and a husband in the middle.

Not a good sign.

How much sex does she throw your way?
I am talking, how much, lately?

I need ask, "What will push you to divorce this woman?"

The smoking gun is evident.