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Thought we had a good marriage

9085 Views 160 Replies 38 Participants Last post by  ShatteredKat
Wife in past (decades) has often taken off somewhere saying: "I will be gone for a few hours." and shows up 8 hours later.
Often travelled for business and: "I call after work winds down." - and don't hear from her till next day - often late afternoon.

Today she meets a man - sort of a friend - widower of her best friend of 20 years - and meets him to take him to medical facility as he was getting drugged and needed a driver.

Well she left around 10 AM - Thursday. It is now 12:20 or so Friday and she has not called or texted what she is doing.

I am not Ok with this and life is going to get messy when/if she shows up home again.

Suggestions on how to interpret her behavior and what I should do appreciated. Don't spare the 2.x 4s.

- sigh
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"but have you tried reaching out to her?"

text only - not going to call on phone as I don't think where/what she is at/doing would lead to honest conversation
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Life 360 is working - and I have been giving really serious thought to moving to separate living arrangements.
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jeez - mind in turmoil and confused! DUH! days should be Monday into Tuesday - today - it's 12:55 AM Monday where I am.
Stress tends to mangle thinking
I know WHERE THE PHONE IS - her? Can't tell from a text reply other than assuming text was sent and had to be from "the phone" as it is tied to phone number. So - odds are she is at his house.
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My biggest issue is her showing almost total lack of respect for me and her selfishness. I have drilled on this in the past and, I guess, just doesn't ring a bell on her floor.
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Ya - EDT - North Carolina near the coast
"I assume at the least you are considering that she extremely inconsiderate or cheating or leaving."

I bring home a six-figure income - well into six figures - and I get the impression I am "more of a $$$ check" and boy-Friday (I fix most of the stuff that breaks around the house) - she has had a new car ever since we have been married (well, after the first four years) and "doesn't have to take a calculator to the grocery to make sure she can pay" at the cashier. We married mid 30s - no kids together. Both of us 2nd go - both kids from first. All self sufficient and healthy.

She has not said any words to the effect she is unhappy and "around the house" acts happy. (reasonably)
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Posted a text about 50 minutes ago - nor reply - and "what is she doing" - anything I can think of is conjecture
No idea if she is asleep and that would be unusual as she her "clock" is 9AM to 2AM next morning usually.
Phone shows no change in location since 5:46 PM Thursday.

My guess is when she responds she’s going to say he had medical complications or something reasonable sounding so she needed to be there. Her history is not to always respond so she’ll say she didn’t think it would be a concern. Why have you stayed if this is a habit you don’t like — not a dealbreaker until now?
Dealbreaker - hard to say - but my "growing up" life was not pretty - I'm used (sick I know) to abuse - I was raised being passed around to grandmas and aunt/uncles places.

Never really lived in a "family" type environment
I have to have some semblence of mental awareness for AM work (I love engineering meetings!) so calling it a night and hope she isn't up to -

Will post tomorrow - I hope
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Well as Anastasia6 posted - going to sleep - nada

Mind got confused (I work from home 24 x 7) and days sometime meld together -
so on MONDAY March13 - she does "driver duty" to take "Kevin" to hospital for hernia surgery.
Leaves home 10 AM - 5:30 PM - "We're at Kevin's house"

No mention of considering to stay for observational reasons for the night (24 hours) and time marches on.

Earlier she said she would be home "in the afternoon."

Well - I couldn't sleep so called about 0200 - and did so multiple times till she answered.
I got a line of BS about "I told you the - (story)" via texts. I sent her the texts she sent to me which have
no mention of staying overnight.

So I get her on the phone about 0200 and she gives me the "what I wanted you to hear" story - not what she texted and/or said. I got pissed off (surprise?) and told to "enjoy sleeping on the couch" - ya? Right!?

I did not mean to say she "disappears for days at a time" - but when she travelled for work - she was incommunicado 99% of the time.

So I'm here with 4 cats (they like you even when your angry) and just annoyed that my life is in the sxxxxer.

No idea when she will be home "today" (Tuesday) and I'm trying to think of how not to blow up but I just can't think of why I should put up with her "doing as she pleases" without keeping me informed. After all, isn't taking care of your spouse part of marriage? AS in knowing they are safe wherever they are and what they are doing and/or subjected to?

I keep thinking of Grandmas teaching the "Golden Rule" - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I have never travelled and NOT called her every evening and also posted some texts during the course of the day.
Just to let her know where/what I was doing at the time.

How do people not see that as the right thing to do with your spouse?

On the "affair angle" - think how many times you have read hear the WS is saying the OP is a dork/jerk/misfit/etc?
And turns out they are trading body fluids?
So it is with her comment on the person she is with tonight. I'm thinking "EA" at the least is blooming. Well, maybe more that is my concern.

I'm also battle injured as she has a physical affair middle 1990s. "We only kissed, a lot!" Ya, Right.

I got "the story" in the traditional trickle truth - or at least the parts she was willing to tell.

Apologies for wall of text - life can be messy.

Tuesday (after the lovely engineering meetings) should be fun!

BTW, even though she is over 70, she still has a female presence that turns heads much younger.
If she "hit the market" looks alone would get her lots of bites. Me, not so much. But I still have a full head of hair!

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HA!!!! I had an "Umbilical Hernia" and it wasn't much of a bother pain wise. Sorry to here you had 3!!!
How did you get to lucky?

"As soon as she gets home." - probably not as my AM is clogged with meetings on Tuesday - that is assuming she GETS home AM. PM time? no plans other than going to Home Depot to pick up new water heater.
I am mentally sore about this and thinking I need to wait a bit before conversation - I'm biased towards going forward w/o her in my life but - ya, always a but - we do have some good times together.

Ever hear of "high maintenance woman/" - she is in that category.
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Mr. Married:

I have seen what you post yet blind to my own situation - thanks!
Woke up and she is still (life360) still at same place
No Idea what is her mindset -
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Are you sure there ever was a real transport for surgery? Did you see the trip from Kevin's to the hospital? The whole story sounds made up to me.
update - first I did see Life360 showing phone @ hospital for 5 hours (approx)

several decades ago - when we first got together she had a red glass collection and one of our cats playing bonked a ball into some of the pieces on a shelf near the floor - she went nuts over the possibility of something getting broken.
IDEA - remember in the Little Mermaid King Titan trashed Arial's stash of stuff "to get her attention?"
So I took a cubic yard or so of stuff she has cluttered up our dining room and tossed out onto driveway - bonus!- she was (finally) getting home and had to stop at the mess of stuff. Stuff is a huge collection of Barbie dolls and assorted stuff to refurbish them to like new. 100s of $$ of stuff I'm sure - dodn't know how much as all charged on her credit card.

She blew a fuse :LOL: and I said nothing after tossing another armload of stuff onto the pile.
I said a few words (no cursing or yelling) and went and hit the sack. Just got up and mess in driveway is likely stuffed in our16x20 storage shed and car is now in carport.

When I came downstairs from a couple hours nap - she "apoligized" for not calling and telling me she was staying the night as "Bills girlfriend couldn't come over to watch him (usual medical advice after sedation and an operation) and has said nothing else for an hour.

I am attending to some mess for work (I wfh most of the time) and will see if/when any more conversation is forthcoming.

A half hearted/somewhat sarcastic apology not hitting anywhere near the bullseye.
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This is absurd.

I could not get any sleep last night so I came downstairs and called her phone repeatedly until she answered.
I did say in a very angry tone I was very unhappy with her and ended the call.

Update a post above

Thank you all for your posts - tells me I have been a wuss and need to "man up."

I am going to let this event fester (in her view) for a few days.

I have already started planning a fly fishing Spring trip! Sans wife of course.
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Agreed that the tossing her stuff was not something I should have done. But no damage to anything

Several years ago - we bought a used travel trailer - 23 feet long - and I took out the couch/bed and put in a work bench for her to pursue glass blowing/beading hobby. She bought 1000s of $$ of stuff - supplies/tools and ???
She messed with it about six months - it has been sitting for years now. $$ wasted in my view.

When "covid" hit - she started making cloth masks - bought several ROLLS of material and all kinds of beads and sequins for decoration - and elastic stuff for wearing. AND A SEWING machine. She already had one - not good enough - new one with ??? number of programmable stitching choices.

Several months ago, started with this Barbie doll thing. She has bought 50 or more from all over the world. Some should have been in the trash - but she is buying bits & pieces to make them whole and
She bought another SEWING MACHINE. Smaller sized for "doll clothes. Get this - just last week she bought ANOTHER sewing machine.... which I did not toss out onto the driveway. Still in the box unused.

One of our bedrooms is 'her' room - there are three dressers/chest drawers fully stuffed with ?? There is an 8 ft. by 4 ft bookshelf completely filled with audio (cd) books. In our sunroom is a storage thing I built with a couple hunderd music CDs. She doesn't listen to any of them - they just sit collecting dust. The bedroom also has a closet stuffed so much can't close door. And another in another bedroom same. One closet has a door shoe-rack with 20-30 pairs of shoes - most not showing ANY wear on the soles - and all black colored.

She won't honor my request to get rid of stuff she won't use anymore. - just keeps adding to the piles/places.
So the Barbie doll thing got started months ago and she has our downstairs bathroom set up for "doing doll
refurbishment activities." If I have to whizz - go upstairs (well, I need the exercise!) or somewhere out in the yard.
neighbors out of eyesight - we "live in the woods."

So my fuse for putting up with her clutter and hoarding is about 1 millimeter long - ergo the tossing stuff in the driveway. Won't do it again but I did get her attention. For how long?

A thought occurred to me- request retirement from my employer and move so a "retirement village" somewhere in SC.
Bad for her as one of the reasons I'm still employed is medical insurance - which she uses a LOT.

And thank you all for your posts.

- sad cat
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"OM" is about 15 years younger age and is widower of her best friend she met around 1995. Friend died year before last from a rare abdominal cancer. She also - I think - did the escort/driver request as he sold her his deceased wife's car for what was owed - a couple grand less than it would have sold for otherwise. Wife used to have her own business and has a lot of $$ squirreled away so she paid cash for it.

She has never (I'm sure you have read this elsewhere) said much in the way of any compliments regarding his personality. He is blind in one eye a BMI about 30. - I digress
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