Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 83 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,067 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So one of my last post got me thinking about the post where people successfully moved on from the people who cheated on them and seem to be better off. My contention is that swift action even if it is years later helps with healing. I thought I would like a few. If you know other please post.

The top spaceghost

river rat, better late then never

The female version of spaceghost

above 3 months out

The husband in this thread, who is not the poster is a boss. Handled it perfectly

Continued..

Not sure if this is a happy or unhappy ending.

This guy did good.

Here is a good story as related by another poster.

There is hope with action. Any others feel free to add to the list.


Here is a prospective from a repentant wayward wife. It gives you a good idea why you should act from strength.

As a wayward wife I want to avoid crashing and invading a BS's space, but I thought I might have an opinion from my viewpoint that may help the op.

I cheated. I did. I didn't respect my husband. He avoided making me angry. He was a white knight in a lot of ways. Disapointing , angering me and making waves was something He avoided. He allowed me to trick him and manipulate him. So I did. He let me take him for granted.

Truth be told I don't know if I loved my husband while in my affair and even sometime before that. I was in a bad place. Everything was about me. I was attracted to my husband and thought he was intelligent, but did I love him? How could I while doing what I did?

My husband tried being understanding. Giving me my space. Communicating. Loving me more. Dating. Letting go of arguments and accepting a loss just to appease me.

During my affair and before I was in no condition to think about his needs or wants. I was still all about me. My husband could have rearranged the stars in the shape of my name and I probably wouldn't have thought it that great. No crazy romantic gesture by him had the power to knock me out of me me me zone. The fact of the matter was I was sizing up a relationship with another man and keeping my husband on hold. As if it was my right to pick and choose in the shadows.

My husband going ballistic after finding emails was my first shock. My husband doesn't yell at me. His anger shocked me. It scared me. I truly started realizing I might have burned my bridges.

My first course of action was to minimize. Much like your wife.

I did it for a few reasons (your wife's may very). Shame. Fear of losing my family. Fear of losing my husband. Fear of losing my lifestyle. Fear of judgment from friends and family.

It was still all about me. I minimized. Destroyed evidence. Wouldn't talk about the affair. And continued the affair. Of course while blaming my husband's treatment of me and dangling reconciliation like a carrot to KEEP my husband in place while I decided between the OM and my husband.

My husband eventually found out proof of a physical relationship and a continued affair.

He didn't trust me. His first good decision. I was a liar. Of course I couldn't be trusted. Besides being caught not a thing had changed so why trust me?

When my husband found this info out he put a full stop to any of what people here call the pick me dance. He did the 180 without any knowledge from sites like this and detached.

He made it clear he wanted no part of what I offered. He wasn't interested in winning me back. My value to him dropped.

Between that and my AP showing more and more of what an ass hat he was and how empty our relationship was, my husband's obvious disgust detachment and seeming ability to move on without me easily, scared me.

It told me "hey your not really all that." It told me my husband wasn't a door mat and that he was no longer waiting for me to PICK him.

No. If I wanted back I had to earn it.

It literally shocked me the first time I approached my husband with the "ok I am now ready to work on our marriage and decided to love you attitude."

He scoffed at me and laughed. I remember being absolutely gobsmacked. Where was the husband who would pursue me to the end of the earth? Where did he go? At first I was miffed. Angry. Told him he was throwing us away. He told me no it was you. It dawned on me slowly when my bull**** didn't work on winning him over.

I came to the realization that I had killed that part of him. He no longer held hope for our marriage. No longer thought of me as a prize.

I perused him. I dealt with my **** bit by bit. I armed myself with knowledge about relationships and respect. I worked harder. I changed the way i aproached sex with my husband. I grew a new sense of respect with my husband and worked towards openness and communication.

It's all in my thread if you would like to read my story.

Through all of this I was sending signals that I wanted this relationship. That I was changing. I had to put
work in. I had to sweat for it. It paid dividends. Little by little I was able to piece together a semblance of peace and tranquility.

There was one problem. We didn't deal with my affair. So many times he would try to breach the subject and I would shut him down.

It wasn't as bad as he thinks.
I didn't want to talk about the past.
I loved him and that was enough.

Anything to not adress the elephant in the room. I didn't know my husband knew more about my affair than I thought. So I never came foward about the true depths of my betrayal. I did this out of fear. Again. Losing everything. All about me.

We never worked through it. My husband never got the deep answers needed to heal. He only knew I was romanticly involved with another man and later secretly found I was going to the other man's house frequently. He knew I wasn't forthcoming. He didn't want to reveal what he knew. He wanted me to come foward. I didn't. So he played along and silently prepared for a life without me.

In a lot of ways the relationship we built in the last three years was a good one. But it was hollow. My husband hated it. He loved me in ways. But he lost respect for me. Doesn't trust me. He shouldnt. Not yet. I need to prove myself with actions and despite all the good I have accomplished without dealing with the affair it's all meaningless.

About 6 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair of his own. That has been the trigger for my realization that my inability to deal with my own affair and help my husband understand and give him the info needed had gutted my marriage. It was also a reinforcement of the idea that my husband will do just fine without me. It has put a sense of urgency to all of it.

So I came foward and told the truth. With the help of this site I got the nerve up. I had to face my problems. We had to face our problems. Infidelity isn't something you just get over. It changes everything. As it should.

The last 6 days have been me and my husband talking almost non stop. We have to redo every conversation we have had in the last 6 years. We don't know how this is going to work but in a lot of ways this new openness is what I always wanted. Its bitter and shameful. But it's open and honest and we are working it together. We work through the pain together. Too bad it came at this cost. To bad it took it all devolving to this sad state of affairs. Just goes to show how not dealing with stuff doesn't solve anything.

So when people tell you to stop being a door mat. They are trying to help you.

Your wife has to get ahead of this. She has to willingly and enthuesasticly help you understand every facet of her affair. She has to show you EVERYTHING. She can't hide anything. She isn't allowed privacy. This affair and it's meaning and her feelings about it can't be left to the wayside. Don't fix the issues in her that had her doing this then you are doomed for repeat. Or a sham marriage. You need to know you deserve better and if she isn't going to be better, then so be it. She isn't worth it.

She has to show an openness you have probably never seen before. She has to work on herself. Read some books recommended here. She has to show respect and damn well show she is doing everything in her power to understand your pain to it's core and also find any way possible to help you heal, restore trust, and if it comes to it let you go with dignity.

She has to put you first. She has to win you back.

As long as you are trying to make this work. As long as you are doing the heavy lifting.... why would she ever have to do anything other than nod along and say she loves you?

Your doing all the work. And to boot you catch her in lie after lie and still want to work it out. It lowers your value. Makes you seem too attached to ever leave.

And let me tell you that is the last message you want sent.

Project power. Demand she take responsibility for what she has done. Set down a process you want followed and if she isn't willing to help then wave goodbye. She isn't even willing to have some uncomfortable conversations to help you deal with her massive betrayal? Walk away!! When you accept abuse the abuser has no reason to stop. People don't usually stop doing bad but enjoyable/profitable things unless consequences are given.

You can't love her back. Losing you and possibly your resources (she may just see you as a pay check sad as it sounds) is your only bet. Your only card to play. Anything else is coersion or begging. Do you want to beg? And if she doesn't wake up and pull her head out of her ass when faced with losing that.... She was too far gone or never with you to begin with. In that case wave goodbye with as much poise and dignity possible and move on. You did say dating sounded fun right?

As it is she probably believes she still has control of this situation. Much the same as I did.

She has to let go of control. You need to take back control. Stop waiting for her to decide if this can work out. Why the **** is it her decision? It's yours!!! She passed those deciding rights to you when she cheated.

Seriously this site is good stuff. Devour the info here and you will be armed for good relationships even should you divorce anyways.

Also blow the AP put of the water. Informing is a powerful tool. Don't be ashamed. This isn't on you. Don't let her blame this on marriage issues. That's bull. She is damaged. She is toxic to be with. She has to prove she can change. It needs more than I love you and a promise to not do it. She already did that once. Remember. She probably wore a white dress.

Until she starts putting in serious work and understanding you're just rugsweeping. She will do it again. Or continue.

Don't be afraid to turn your back or show anger or make her sad. You NEED to ruffle her feathers and get her to wake the **** up and take this seriously. Not just for your healing but for her own and to make sure you are not signing up for repeat performance over the next decade only to be dropped should she find someone willing and worth leaving with to be with.

Set boundaries. Set the rules of the marriage YOU want. Set the consequences of inaction or further betrayal and stick to them. You have already lost the initiative. No more.

Get out of infidelity. If she follows good. See if you can make it work. If she doesn't. At least you are out of infidelity.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,757 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,757 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,757 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,110 Posts
Dated her all through High School. My first love and intercoures partner. I went to Vietnam to fight with the Army so we got engaged. She cheated on me when I could not even go home for 8 more months. No cell phones back then, just snail mail which makes breaking up and arguing very difficult. We did break up and I was heartbroken and angry that she did this when coming home to her was what kept me going during combat.

I was a mess for the rest of the year but combat kept my mind off of it most of the time. I ended up going to Australia where I spent a month, mostly in bed, with a girl I picked up at a bar. She was a school teacher who got fired because she spent a month in my bed. I did call out my ex's name once during sex which she said was OK. After that I no longer felt anything for my girlfriend. In fact, when I got home my ex and I had sex for two weeks. I did get another girlfriend who also cheated on me after 11 months living with me. I was just too nice an never suspicious. Not anymore. Now I have a healthy dose of mistrust of both friends and lovers. Both times the girls cheated with my friends since they were the only guys she knew enough to feel comfortable with.

I found the best way to get over a girl is to get under another. It worked for me both times and the last time I ended up marrying the girl I was under and are happily married for 45 years. The Universe repaid me for the two heartbreaks by making my wife bi and being best friends with the girl I had a crush on since I was 14 who also is bi. My wife shared all her girlfriends with me and gave her girlfriend a room in our home. On the bright side, I have had over a thousand FFM threesomes and the love of two women who also loved each other. Life has been good to me, both sexually, in the love department and professionally.

10 years ago my ex fiancé called me up after I moved out of State near where she ended up. She found my Facebook page. She told me how her life was after we broke up. First off she got hooked on drugs, pregnant by an unknown man, married and cheated on her husband with a woman that she married when she divorced her husband. She also has mental problems that messed up her life. She became a hippie after our breakup and was very anti capitalist which would not have worked well with my capitalistic career. She found what she was looking for with a woman. My life would have been hell with her. The first thing I asked is if her mother was still alive. She wasn't. Her mother was against our engagement saying that I was not good enough for her daughter who was destined to become a lawyer or doctor and do great things. Turns out that I was the one who did great things and I wanted to let her know but dead people just do not listen well.

Force yourself to move on. Date as much as you can and once you start feeling emotions to another, the pain that you feel will go away. I promise. When I look back on my life I realize that the good life I have is a result of not only the good things but also the bad things that happened to me. BTW, the ex girlfriend became a crack addict, had a crack baby and paid for drugs with her body. After she cleaned up she became a stripper. I only dated hot girls, but with problems and strangely all bisexual. Had I taken forgiven them my life would not have followed the path it did and I cannot imagine a life better than I have. Not very rich but comfortable enough to buy the toys I want. Not monogamous but polyfidelitous which is better. We are all capable of loving more than one person just as we love all of our family.

I was not looking for a new girlfriend but one day on the way home from work, I spotted my wife on a train that I ran to catch. The first time in my life I ever ran for a train since they run every 10 minutes during rush hour. I pointed her out to my friend who was also on the train and he dared me to go and talk to her and get a date. I told him jokingly that I would not only date her, but marry her. True story. I talked to her, dated her and we were engaged 13 days after we met. Married for 45 years this month. Sometimes when you are not looking, love finds you so do not despair. You will love again and get married. Just do what I do, think that it is their loss, not mine. Turns out I was right.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,981 Posts
So one of my last post got me thinking about the post where people successfully moved on from the people who cheated on them and seem to be better off. My contention is that swift action even if it is years later helps with healing. I thought I would like a few. If you know other please post.

The top spaceghost

river rat, better late then never

The female version of spaceghost

above 3 months out

The husband in this thread, who is not the poster is a boss. Handled it perfectly

Continued..

Not sure if this is a happy or unhappy ending.

This guy did good.

Here is a good story as related by another poster.

There is hope with action. Any others feel free to add to the list.


Here is a prospective from a repentant wayward wife. It gives you a good idea why you should act from strength.
Geeeeez... wtfl;dr.

Maybe give us a summary of each thread.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,981 Posts
1 - 20 of 83 Posts
Top