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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
HI Everyone
Just signed up, been lurking for about 4 months. Was hearing dripping from the bathroom figured I left a facet on would get in a minute. The ceiling is leaking. I'm in a hotel really not my problem but WTF.

So... My life took a turn AGAIN. But because of TAM I have been very strong.

My hubby is having another affair. I have access to his personal email. He doesn't know I do. And every so often I check it. Last fall he sign up for meet your favorite MILF. and I just watched he never did anything with it. Sooo hit me up side the head. I'm really good at rug sweeping and not confronting him.

25 years ago I found an ongoing affair and confronted right away made him call her right in front of me. So 1 down many to go.
I only know of that one and this one so no proof of how many.

So, the help I need is. I have her email address. I tried spokeo, paid money got nothing. On Wednesday he left his phone available while in the shower. He never does that. My hands started shaking just typing this. Now I have a first name.

Oh. They just started this. As far as I can tell. They have sent over 100 texts in the last 3 weeks. Then she and family went on vacation. And that is when the few (20) emails happened. I have printed the emails. Wednesday night she sent an email. It was great seeing you this morning. Next time won't be so awkward. Your so handsome I was wet all day. Barf

We both travel for our jobs. Next Saturday the 9th I'm going to confront him. Sit down talk then hand him a letter. Then leave him alone for the weekend. Not gonna leave the house. Just do my own thing.

I have been with him for 31 years. We have an ok marriage. We do things together. Sit on couch and hold hands. Support each other in out jobs, and life. Sex... Well let's not go there. It's something that has never been very strong. Both of our faults. Right now it's been a year (no lie) last March. But he has gotten several BJ. He just not want to touch me. Let's deal with that after we get through this week.

I LOVE this man I want to be his wife and partner. But I will not be his second choice any more.
 

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Sorry you are here. My first impression is he met her on an online hookup site. Check his email for folders with mail in it. He could be forwarding out of his inbox so you aren't seeing them.

This is the tip of the iceberg I'm sorry to say...
 

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No kids?
Finances secure? IOW, say he blows a gasket next Saturday and cleans out the bank accts on Monday, will you be okay financially?

Do you have a support system nearby, like siblings, close relatives, very dear friends? Does he?

Do you know how to contact the OWH?
 

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You shouldnt be his second choice. No spouse should ever be.
Im sorry you are here.
But i am glad you are calm (as possible im sure), and you are being methodical.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks Frozen will check folders in box. I'm not very good with these machines.

Should I clean out the act first? I could
Contact No. I thought by looking up her email on that spokeo sight I would get some info. But nothing. I would love to find him.

Children grown out of house. Won't get involved unless it goes very bad. Good friends yes. I have a lunch date on Monday. She along with TAM will be my support.
 

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Oh, the very old, classic cyber-cheating...:(

You currently have a power tool : his email password. You have three choices here of how to use it.

1. The Devious Way : email the OW from his email, in his behalf, write a rude, very firm NC email to her.Then delete the email from the "Sent" folder. If you're smart in comps, or have a friend good at it, break into her email and do the same thing from her to him. (I did this to my ex...long funny story ) The pros of this : easy to get rid of this particular OW. The cons: it is rug-sweeping, as you can't call him on it. You would just have to keep snooping and annihilate the next and the next cyber affair.

2. The Smart Way: Do confront him, but do not reveal that you know his email pass. Create a new email address. Copy/ paste his emails to the OW and send them to yourself, like from an anonymous person who intercepted the affair and exposed to you. Confront. Set boundaries. Then keeping snooping to make sure he respects those boundaries. Lol, I know, not very honest, but what he's been doing is not honest either, so lose the discomfort.

3. The Straightforward way : reveal that you've been snooping, confront, set boundaries. Pros: the honesty. Cons: prepare for him to be enraged and "offended " that you "violated" his privacy. Prepare for blameshifting on how you are dishonest too, etc. You won't be able to check his mailbox again as he will change his pass and take extra measures for you to not break in again.

Either method you choose, do confront. Don't stay silent and expect him to stop, he won't. Been there...done that.
Ah and not to forget : copy/paste the entire email exchange to the OWH , if there is one, no matter what you decide to do.
 

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If he uses his home computer at all, put a keylogger on it.

If you have her number from his phone, check with a pi to see if he canget a name. If she is using a burner phone though, it wwon't help.

If he is calling her , put a voice activated recorder velcroed under his drivers seat. This could be you number one weapon.

You can get varsbat bestbuy, walmart and radio shack.

Open your own bank accts. You can take money out of joint accts but a judge will make you put back some if you take more than half.

Have yourself checked for stds.

The more lawyers you get a free initial conultation with, the fewer he has to pick from.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I have a phone number and first name and email address. I payed money at spokeo to get more info. Nothing.
On the MILF site I can't find her. So maybe she not from there. I don't know.
We don't have home puter, just iPads. And I'm not very good with it.

Recently he is checking up on my whereabouts. Knows where I am. Very strange. No big deal but strange. Can I do the same with his phone?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I thought about emailing her. But then they could just delete everything and take underground. Why does he save these? Personally I would read and delete. But I'm not a cheater. Maybe he goes back and rereads everything. Maybe he wants me to find them. Maybe he is just an idiot.
 

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I thought about emailing her. But then they could just delete everything and take underground. Why does he save these? Personally I would read and delete. But I'm not a cheater. Maybe he goes back and rereads everything. Maybe he wants me to find them. Maybe he is just an idiot.
Well, kind of like why a serial killer takes "trophies" from their kills. Far different pathology but I'm thinking the same mindset.
 

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You might create a new email account that sort of looks like a variation of his but on another site like use gmail instead of yahoo etc.


Then email her saying you think your wife may have gotten access to your old account and that she should only use this new one, and especially she should not respond to anything on the other account because his will be trying to fish for info. Assure her you've cleaned everything up on the old account, but she needs to be careful.
 

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You might create a new email account that sort of looks like a variation of his but on another site like use gmail instead of yahoo etc.


Then email her saying you think your wife may have gotten access to your old account and that she should only use this new one, and especially she should not respond to anything on the other account because his will be trying to fish for info. Assure her you've cleaned everything up on the old account, but she needs to be careful.
I like this a lot Shaggy. Takes nerves though. Can you do it Alwaystrying?
 

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I thought about emailing her. But then they could just delete everything and take underground. Why does he save these? Personally I would read and delete. But I'm not a cheater. Maybe he goes back and rereads everything. Maybe he wants me to find them. Maybe he is just an idiot.

He saved them for two reasons: he didn't think you could ever find them, and he likes to go through them and re-read them maybe. Perhaps an EA ?

Do not email her. You lose status. And yes they can just go underground. I'd go with my advice # 2 if I were you. If they talk on the phone too you can use a VAR as well, but I guess the emails sum it up pretty much as it's a cyber thing.

Don't be afraid. Do it, and confront him, otherwise he'll have his cake and eat it too undisturbed ...
 

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Should I clean out the account first?
Not unless you talk to an attorney first. And even then, if you do and live in a community property state, they will usually allow you only half.

Get tested for STD's, fastly do the 180 on him, and keep on accumulating any evidence against him. If you and him share cell phones on a joint account, start examining his calls and texts to that or any other questionable numbers and just see how far back in time that they go.

Sorry dear! He thinks that you simply fell off of the turnip truck and that he can have his cake and eat it too!

Show him that while you didn't uniquely qualify for the "turnip truck brigade," that you definitely know how to back that same turnip truck up and over him in a divorce court!

You deserve far better, my dear!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
They do plan on taking this farther. They have met once for coffee. She said in an email later that day "next time won't be so ackward" this was this past Wednesday. (feb27).

I'm just trying to do this so we can move past, stay together for another 30 years. BUT. I am prepared to leave. This is the second time I have caught him. I'm much more knowledgeable, mature, and sure of myself this time. So things will be different. With that being said I'm scared, hurt, and very insecure.
 
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