Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I woke up this morning after a sleepless night. I'm feeling alone so I thought I would get on the internet and look for some self help... I came across this website...I have been reading everyone's post and some of the comments have been helpful....

I have good days and I have bad days...It seems this is going to be a bad day. I just don't understand how I got to this point in my life...I was married for 25 years, I watched friends go through separation's and divorce I said that will never happen to me...I have learned to say "Never say Never"...No one cheated in the marriage and we didn't fight...We just stopped talking, stopped spending time together...We lost the spark. It was a mutual decision to part ways...I was the one that left the family home and rented an apartment. My children are older but as a mother it breaks my heart every day, I don't get to see them as much as I use to....I have been gone 8 months and we are now legally separated.. I am having a hard time moving forward because I keep turning around to look back....I have three great kids my youngest is in her 2nd year of college...I am 45 I have a lot of living still to do... How do I get out of this rut that I am in??? I have found out that my ex has a new girlfriend, he doesn't seem to have a problem moving on.... Will this get easier for me? Will the memories stop haunting me? Right now I am not looking at the future I am living in the moment.... Any advice would be a great help....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,603 Posts
I'm sorry for your pain.

There is no magic pill for going through the absolute heart-wrenching pain that is a divorce... but, I can assure you that it does and WILL get better.

Baby steps.

Make sure you are getting some sunlight, calling up friends, doing things you enjoy. It's always good to buy a new shirt, pamper yourself and try out something new (activity or food or visit a new place).

Time is the answer. Not the one you want, but it it is Time that will make the pain less and less.

There is a great group of people here if you want to vent/post.

Cheer up.

:)



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,090 Posts
It sounds like you feel a little guilty for being the one that left and you shouldn't. You gave it your best shot, 25 years of marriage and you raised a family, that's a lot to be proud of. It's a shame but adults drift apart for many reasons, now that your family is raised why stay in a marriage where their is no partnership or common interest, you have many years of life ahead of you and deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

Pat yourself on the back and say good job, what's next for me?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,369 Posts
Take a college class just for fun or information like photography or decorating - whatever that thing you've always wanted to do.

Go to the gym, if you can get a friend to go with you even better.

Get a new haircut, makeover, a new dress or pair of shoes - something that signals in your mind "new you".

Do something you've never done that's a little intimidating. If you need to find someone to do it with, join a meetup group (just go to meetup.com and find your city).

Volunteer - soup kitchen, homeless shelter, animal shelter... you will feel good and positive about the change you helped make.

Do something your husband wouldn't have liked - if he didn't like dogs and it's practical for you, get a dog. Just an example.

The point is, you need to find YOU again. When you married, you had an idea of who you were... what you liked, what you felt strongly about... over time a couple begins to meld these together. Find your "stand out" thing. What makes the single you stand out from the married you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
212 Posts
MyDestiny, welcome aboard. Stick around lots of great insightful and helpful people.

I'm afraid it is time that helps. Try not to beat yourself up. Realize there are going to be bad days but there is going to be good days as well. I had a bunch of bad days and the fog didn't start to lift for me until about 8 months but even 18 months from my seperation date I still have some. But they are fewer and farther inbetween.

I agree with trying something new. I started volunteering about one or two nights a month. I've met some really nice people.

I think the most important thing for me was to keep busy or have something on the calendar.

Good luck and were here if you need to vent or want opinions.

Shoeguy
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,308 Posts
This may sound harsh but if you sit at your apartment all day and think about what a giant mistake you’ve made, you’re never going to get over it.

Your marriage is over, your husband has moved on. You need to move on.

It’s ok to feel sad about your marriage, but don’t make it an excuse to sit on your duff all day.

Start getting involved. Start living life.

Start painting, go dancing, volunteer your time for something. Go to meetup.com and try tons of new stuff. Force yourself to get out of your comfort zone. Make yourself get into uncomfortable and awkward situations. You’ll find in short order that you’re living life and loving it and won’t even remember what you were sad about.

Yes this is tough at first, challenging yourself always is. The alternative is to continue to wallow in self-pity and regret and die miserable and alone, lamenting life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,890 Posts
I am divorced after 25 years. It does get better but you have to do SOMETHING different. Sort of "doing the same thing and expecting different" is the motto is happening right now!

Take the above advice....it will eventually happen with effort.

Oh yes, good and bad days will be around.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
856 Posts
I know how you feel. I was the one that left. H being in our house with our kids really tears at me. In fact that is one of the reasons I may go back. I can't stand thinking of them over there.
Overall it is getting easier, I joined a Meet Up group of ladies only and that has helped. I've done one walk and one hike.
8 months is not very long, someone told me recently it took him 2 years to feel at peace. Have you dated?? It may be time to get out and casually look around out there!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
243 Posts
It sounds like you feel a little guilty for being the one that left and you shouldn't. You gave it your best shot, 25 years of marriage and you raised a family, that's a lot to be proud of. It's a shame but adults drift apart for many reasons, now that your family is raised why stay in a marriage where their is no partnership or common interest, you have many years of life ahead of you and deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

Pat yourself on the back and say good job, what's next for me?
Wow, Cooper, that is really well said and needs to be my motto. I was a great wife and a fabulous Mom to my two sons. And I know there has to be a relationship out there that will be a loving partnership and my marriage was not that. Turn your eyes forward, not back and imagine the possibilities.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Thank You so much for all your responses...You have no idea what you have all done for me...You have given me the push I needed....I was starting to really drown in Self Pity...

I decided I would go away for the weekend with a friend and I had a great time....I just got back :]

Today I joined a gym, I have gained a little weight from stress...It really is time to get the old ME back...

I have decided to take a Hairdressing course... I am a bookkeeper and I am tired of numbers so I am going to try something completely different...

I am no longer looking back, there is nothing back there..I am looking forward...

Some might not like the changes I am about to make they may scream out "Mid Life Crisis" But, I will ignore all negative comments...I have raised 3 beautiful children...It is now all about ME...

I am grateful for all your responses....Hugs
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
212 Posts
Go get em girl!

Damn the torpedos full speed ahead.
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top