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Last night and this morning my husband had a huge fight. I attempted to hit him but didn't go through with it because I stopped myself. I'm 33 and he is 37. I've attempted at least 3 times before in the course of our relationship (3 years: 1 year married) - I know it is not good but sometimes he makes me so angry that I think the only way he will listen to me is if I hit him. I think he has only noticed this time my attempt.

He works in the city and said he won't be coming come because he fears being physically abused. This is a normal habit of his, whenever we have an argument he goes away and stays a night or two away and then comes home and we have it out or I pretend it didn't exist and be grateful he came home. Early in the relationship he never used to tell me he where he was going to be and would never answer my phone calls or texts etc. but after having it out he has eventually begun to tell me where he is (well vaguely - that he is staying in the city - not the hotel or anything). I do not like when he stays away from home, I much prefer he comes home and we talk it out and find a solution to move it on.

The major problems in our relationship, as I see it, is how he thinks of me and treats me and vice versa perhaps. He thinks I'm financially irresponsible and that I do not save at all. This is very hurtful to me. We do not have any debts etc, he wants to save towards for a house but that's not my major goal - but I save as a share goal. Last year, I saved about 14% of my gross salary. To him that is not sufficient, he does investments so he gets a better returns on his savings so he thinks because I don't get good returns on my money - I'm not being prudent. Also, I do dish out money, I take 3 trans-Atlantic flights per year to visit my family. I'm living in the UK alone. He thinks I spend too much money on this and should only go once a year. He does not speak to his family and is not from a family-oriented background (i.e. I'm Asian and he is Anglo-British). I'm very family-oriented and prior to meeting him, I used to do these 3 trans-Atlantic flights - my parents and my siblings miss me terribly - with me living out here I'm missing out so much in their lives. He is welcomed to come with me but says he does not want to spend that money and doesn't want to spend so much time with my family. To me, money is not worth much if I can't see my family - because I would just be miserable here. I don't spend money on anything else, I don't buy or wear makeup, I barely shop - I bought a dress for myself about a year ago. The money I have I spend on mostly on my husband and myself e.g. going out, groceries, taking weekend trips, tickets for shared holidays etc.

I think this financial irresponsibility stems from my going away, he tells me I take too much holidays (this was like 6 months into our relationship) because prior to meeting me he takes holidays once a year. However, I moved in with him, about a year into our relationship and I didn't pay any of the rent/bills instead I was asked to save that - so I did. But often I would feel guilty and made sure I paid for most of the groceries or give him cash when he needs it. Sometimes, during the course of the year, he'll tell me off for living rent-free and not saving money - and I'll get angry and pay him some money to cover my bills until that time. When we got married, I thought there was no point in paying for rent/bills as we now had a shared financial base. However, last year October after several accusations of me not paying my way, I calculating the amount of bills I owed him and paid him off from my account. I have since then given a steady amount so we can share the bills. I don't have a problem with sharing the bills, I just assumed we had a common financial money pot and it doesn't really matter whose money it is - but for him it does. I guess he was satisfied because he said I finally paid him what I owed him. That hurt a lot because to me, it felt as if he thought I was just a flatmate sharing a place with him.

He also blames me for everything that goes wrong in his job. Recently, I got a cold on the way back from Christmas from home. I passed it on to him, he got ill and then blamed me for making him sick so he could not get on with his work - he then blame me for making him go away at Christmas when he should have stayed home and do work. I should also mention every holiday we go on, he usually he wants to cancel it a few days before we go because he has so much work to do and he needs to work over the holidays, and if he doesn't work hard over the holidays he would lose his job (that's the threat) and that our livelihood depends on his job (we both earn about similar salaries). He has no work-life balance. He always work - I think he might be jealous of me - because we're in the same job type, I manage to work from 9-5 whilst he seems to work around the clock and never appears to finish. He thinks I'm taking it easy and I don't have a job as hard as his.

Recently, the charges of being financially irresponsible as been moved to being irresponsible in general. We are currently moving house because he got a job in a different city and he use to commute back on weekends to our flat. After 8 months in his job, I've now been able to get a job near the same city as his. I had 2 weeks of leave in February and I suggested we move then, but he wanted to move at Easter when he said he would have more time (even though I already have a booked flight for 7 days to see my family over Easter). He wanted me to cancel my flight and move then because he said he could not do a move in February. I told him I wanted to move in February, so I can be settled for my job on the 1st March. He thinks this is selfish of me because he did not have such a good start, he had to commute. However, since last November he has been complaining about the travel and how it tires him out (just to say, I never visit him because he stays in hotels during the week). In January, he said he could not the travelling any more and he wanted to stay in the new city for longer periods of time. February thus made sense to me particularly as I have 2 weeks of leave. He thus said I had to take a lead on the moving which I said I would do if I wanted to move in February. But ever since then, everything I do according to him, I'm not taking the lead.

This is where the fight continued yesterday, he left a part of his driver's licence (the paper part) in our old flat and now we're down in the new flat. We need it for renting a van to collect our stuff. I told him I will go up to the other city and get it but he accuses me of not taking the lead in ensuring he brought it down. I should mention he has his driver's licence part and his passport and all his other documents on his person for the last 2-3 weeks. I've reminded him of the documents he need to take maybe at least once or twice a week since I booked the van in early February. He had all his documents (including passport) with him at his office and as far as I know was planning to keep them there until we rented the van. For some unknown reason, he brought all his important documents up (I didn't know he did) and left it in the flat. He said he was just pushed for time and he forgot things and that was fine with me. I was willing to do the 10 hour round trip to go get it - but he got angry with me for not being sufficiently responsible and ensuring he had with him when we left our old flat on Sunday. When I said I didn't know he brought it up with him, he said I should be responsible and stop making excuses and that if I'm taking the lead on this move, then I need to ensure he has all his documents.

He found that out on Monday. As he had a scanned copy of the driver's licence, I asked him to print it out and I'll take it to the rental people and see if that'll be okay - so he did that on Tuesday (also got mad with me because I didn't remind to print it out yesterday when he was at is office). I went today to the rentals people, and they said if he didn't have his paper copy they will do a DVLA scan on him for £5. When I told him this, he said why I didn't this out on Monday, this is just me being more responsible. Also on Monday, he wanted to adjust his handlebars for his bike and didn't have the appropriate adjustable spanner. He asked me if I could get one for him. I said I would try when I go to town as I was going to the cinema and wanted to drive during the daylight as it was a new town to me (I was taking the opportunity to see some films before I start my new job - the old flat is already packed up etc.). When he told me he was missing his documents on Monday afternoon, I spent most of the time looking for it and only just had time to arrive at the cinema on time. I told him I would be late for the cinema so would probably get it on Tuesday. He was a bit put out by this (and maybe understandably so). The next day I went to town with the express purpose of getting him an adjustable spanner, and I got him one. As it turns it was too small, he had message me to get one about 7cm - but I didn't receive the message. When I said I tried, he said trying wasn't enough - he needs it to get done, and he wants someone responsible to get the job done and that I was full of excuses, and if I was taking the lead on this move then I should be able to get him the spanner needed for him to adjust his handlebars so he can cycle to the station comfortably. He said this was a pattern of behaviour with me. Saying that, he says that I obviously just found one and chose it and once I've got it, I had nothing to worry about it - he said the least I could do was measure the handlebars before I left - I need to be proactive in getting him the spanner.

This is his typical behaviour towards me -I always feel I can't do anything right or to please him. Maybe I am doing something wrong but I can't see it because I think once I make the effort to try and do it, it should mean something. Things came to ahead after that, I jumped on the bandwagon of accusing him of things he hadn't done for me. In the past two weeks, on three occasions he's seen me being upset and crying, and he never asked me what was wrong, he just ignored me and left. It made me felt uncared and unloved for that he can leave me in that state without once trying to figure out what was wrong. I finally asked him what he thought upsetted me and it was always something to with what was happening in the moment i.e. we went cycling for the first time in the road Tuesday morning; I'm trying to cycle on the road so I can cycle to the station and I've asked him to help me. I came back and said I am a bit scared of the pavements and the vehicles passing me but I'll try to overcome the fear. He said to stop making excuses and trying wasn't good enough, I had to do it and he was not going to allow me to drive the car to the station because it costs money to park. I have absolutely no intentions of driving the car to the station (I hate paying for parking) - but this is the way he makes up stories about me. I was hoping he will reassure me and tell me he felt the way himself when he started. Well that made me upset and I cried. Last night I asked him why did he think I got upset, and he said it was because he was making me cycle and I didn't want to. Then I told him no that was not the reason, I told him the reason was that I was upset and wanted him to reassure me and show me that he cared. During our arguments I asked him about 3-5 separate times if he remember why I was upset after I told him why and again he said because he was making me cycle and I didn't want to. He never listens to me or what I say, he never hears me. He just makes up his own story about what I am thinking even when I tell him that is not what I'm thinking. If I tell him something, he just thinks I'm being over-dramatic - maybe sometimes I am. With him staying away overnight and never coming back after an argument, I perhaps started being over melodramatic to get his attention so he might actually listen to me and come home, so I'll threaten to leave or since July of last year of divorce. I know it is not good - it is not the right thing to say - but I don't know how else to get his attention. He will never sit down with me and discuss issues and help us find solutions to them - I've tried this several times - and I'm the one who crawls to him and says let's try and make this work. Let's try this technique of talking to each other instead. But never works, because his way of arguing is to continuously blame me and accuse me.

That's why I get angry and I want to hit him; this morning he just continuously repeated that I was irresponsible and I needed to stop making excuses - I told him to stop - but he won't, and that was when I try to hit him. I know it's no excuse but I feel I can't say anything to get through to him and if I did hit him, he would stop and finally I'll get through to me and he will listen. I know it is wrong - I know it - and I don't like what he does to me. I am not a violent person; I try to live my life as a pacifist - so this is so unlike me. I threaten divorce again last night as I usually do - because it is a pattern that repeats itself every month (not the hitting - just him blaming me and accusing me of stuff).

Anyway, I think he is seriously thinking of a separation of sorts this time or at least living in separate bedrooms (we've got a two bedroom flat) as just flatmates. I've asked him to come home so we can discuss the issues and try to determine some solutions. He said he is not going to come home but stay in the city for I don't know how long - but he needs to be here on Saturday to collect the van. He said he didn't want to come home tonight due to domestic violence and that I need help in addressing my lack of responsibility and that I only want to dodge my financial responsibility and live for today.

I did discuss today about that my marriage goal is having children whilst his is a house (we haven't even started trying or have a date when we would try) - although he knows that I want kids. So he told me I would have chav (street) kids and that I don't have the financial responsibility to have children. He wants to have a house first before we could even think of having children and that is least 1- 1 1/2 years away - and then he will probably want to save money before we could even start (I'm not getting any younger - having children would be soon be very difficult for me). That is not sufficient for me, I don't care about a house, I prefer to have children than a big empty house which has no children.

Anyway, I know this long, and maybe you have read all of it. Any advice would be good. I know I wrote this from my point of view and I might try to make myself look good (or not!) - but any help would be appreciated. Should I work on it or should I leave? Just to say, when he is a good mood - we have a spectacular together, we really enjoys each other's companies, but when he is in a bad mood (which is like 70% of the time) - I don't want to be around him, because he makes me feel bad about myself.
 

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Last night and this morning my husband had a huge fight. I attempted to hit him but didn't go through with it because I stopped myself. I'm 33 and he is 37. I've attempted at least 3 times before in the course of our relationship (3 years: 1 year married)[/quote]

I know it is not good but sometimes he makes me so angry that I think the only way he will listen to me is if I hit him. I think he has only noticed this time my attempt.
No, he's noticed it before, see look at your next post:

He works in the city and said he won't be coming come because he fears being physically abused.
He's well aware of your potential for violence. I bet he never once raised a hand to you, am I right? You storm around and rant and rave act like you're going to slug him and threaten divorce on a monthly basis. You sound a lot like my ex when she was going ballistic, everyone who knew her would just give her a wide berth when she'd have those tantrums because you'd just never know what she'd do.

That's why I get angry and I want to hit him
No, you want to hit him because you have anger management issues. You also try to justify your anger issues with very lame excuses. There IS no justification for it.

That's a big part of your problems, I suggest you work on those before you can hope to make any major changes in your relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
Well maybe you're wrong and I don't think I usually have anger management issues - most people think I'm dead calm and easy going - only my husband makes me angry.

He only said he would be staying in the city today because of the threat of physical violence after this morning's fight. He does this always i.e. stay in the city if he is angry with me. I don't usually rage around - I usually ask him to come home and let's talk. I sort of went ballistic yesterday and today - and I agree to that.

He's the one who is usually angry and raging on. But you're right he has never raised his hand to me - but when he gets angry he slams things and that is just as scary. I used to be scared of his anger and never used to say anything - just keep quiet - I just accepted it as it came - because I thought eventually he would stop. And then I started fighting back with my own anger and I realise that wasn't good and I tried to change but yesterday and today it just came back. Here is a typical thing that happened to us about two years ago which was recorded in my googletalk (I should say it is long). Maybe I'm only seeing my point of view.

17th November
5:38 PM Husband: home at 6.30 pm x x x
6:50 PM me: Still home at 6.30 pm :p
Husband: sorry, what a day what a day (X also pushed closer to the edge!)
6:51 PM me: Yup waiting for you to tell me about it properly
Coming home soon? Was wondering if to start dinner
6:52 PM Husband: OK, start it a 7pm. I'm back 7.15pm x x x
me: Okay would do

________________________________________ 13 minutes
7:05 PM Husband: going to Tesco to get some hot dog rolls....might be 19.20 x x x

________________________________________ 36 minutes

7:42 PM Husband: really am coming home now x x x________________________________________ 23 minutes
8:05 PM me: I don't get it. Why do you storm out without even discussing the issue. Then you form your own idea what's wrong rather than ask me. I do not complain about you working late. What I get mad at, when you say one time, and you come home 45 minutes later.
8:08 PM I'm not feeling very well and i'm coming down with something. you think out your life as being more important. I don't like this. I was looking forward to you telling me your day. I got worried when you weren't home at 7.20 and it was already 7.40, I thought something happen to your bike. When you don't give me a proper estimation of time you get me worried.
8:10 PM Husband: I thought that was very selfish an insensitive - I wont be home tonight or online :(

18th November 7:08 pm (after not hearing from him all day)
Hi Husband,

I don't understand why we always have a discuss an argument over email/ chat but never in person! This is untenable how are we going to have an adult discussion.

Just to address some issues:
• You came home late. I was half teasing half annoying when I was "You're late". I had a whole day of project meetings, where people were not either turning up for meetings or coming late. I was just fed up of people being late to see me, so I was already annoyed and you being late was just adding salt to the wound. I was also irritable because I just was not feeling well.
• Rather than saying why you were late, you went off on a rant if I remember it went something like this "I don't see you getting a X calling you up and offering you a job". Now that was the statement that hurt.
o First of all, that wasn't the reason you were late because that happen earlier in the day.
o I'm usually the person who always kick start resolving an argument between us ... hardly ever you, because you tend to run away and hide from the issue.
o You also said I didn't take interest in the job that was offered to you yesterday. I think you're bending the truth there. You asked to call me at 1pm ... I had just entered a meeting which was going to finish at 2pm. I told you I would be done in 1 hr. I called your phone immediately after finishing the meeting but no answer from you. I then sent you two messages because I wanted to make sure I didn't miss you when I had new meetings at 2:30pm. You gave me some of the information and I thought it sounded exciting, so I asked to call you, and you said no because you had a guest lecturer. Then you sort of went offline. I was then busy from 2:30 to 5:00 pm having various meetings. I waited all evening patiently to hear all about what happened in your day - first hand - because I like to hear the excitement in your voice which cannot be conveyed through chat. I even started dinner and waited whilst dinner got cold. You then came home and had a rant at me again pointing out how stressed you are and that obviously I am never stressed

18th November
9:02 PM Husband: I wont be home tonight either. I'm a bit upset at how little interest you took in my news on Thursday. I’ve hated, really hated my job for ages, its declined to the stage I can’t do work and my colleagues get taped on my laptop making false allegations in meetings. Then a chance to escape came, and instead of discuss it with me you got really really upset over some stupid issue of turning up late
9:03 PM I get the impression you don’t really care that I have a horrible; job, you just want me to suffer alone between 9-6 and not trouble you.
[….]
Husband: you were almost crying over some dumb meal. I know you like your job - you are very very lucky. But you are very insensitive to my situation at the moment, and because of that I’m not coming home tonight, we are not going into town tomorrow and I’m not going to X tomorrow night.
9:06 PM me: that's okay - I expected you to say it
I'm sorry my cooking is just a dumb meal.... I thought it was more us spending time together
9:07 PM Husband: If I work very very hard there might be a chance for me at the X, and if it comes I’m taking it. I’ve been asking for help and support and ideas about my situation for ages and nothing has come back, so I’m doing this my own way now. For the record, I said I'd come back at 6pm if you supported me - that support has evaporated. What advice have you given me about X's bullying, or my dealings with the X, none, zero, zilch. You're not supporting me
9:08 PM me: Do take the offer
I've obviously don't know how to support you in the way you want
Husband: you showed no interest yesterday -none. my happiness means that much to you. If only I could just suffer in silence, eh?
me: you probably want someone different from me
how did i show no interest?
9:09 PM i called and messaged you immediately after my meeting
i asked you questions but you had a guest speaker with you
9:12 PM Husband: That was the first good news I'd had in months and months at work - and you told me off for it cos it made me late. Really insensitive behaviour :(
9:13 PM me: how did that make you late? that happen since 2pm?
you still haven't told me why you were late
Husband: you still haven't told me why you were late <<<<<< I don't believe this. Good night :(
9:14 PM don’t call me again tonight
9:15 PM me: very mature - I don't know why you were late. I really don't know. you said you were going to be home at 6.30, then 7.15, then 7.20 .... I don't know why
9:17 PM well at least tell me why - how else am I going to understand? I can't read your mind - I don't know what you were doing?
Husband: i was doing Xs and my jobs all on my own
9:20 PM you really have no concept of high workload, high pressure, lack of money or responsibility. You have no responsibilities where the buck stops with you - no £, no roles where you lead the department, you share your work. I run whole projects
anyway, I’m off. Sorry I’ve been stressed - its what happens when you have a proper job
Shame you never noticed
me: why do we have to compete who have the worse workload?
I'm not competing.
you win
9:21 PM Husband: I hope to god no-one taps me up for a job ever again, a that might make me late for coming home.
me: happy? you win!!
but you lose as well - you lose our relationship .... enjoy your job, enjoy your life
Husband: because I cant get home till things are done as I carry the responsibility. Where are your board paperwork’s ? you don’t have any.
9:22 PM me: because my boards are not till may - that's why
Husband: you should be happy that i got offered a chance to have a better job. Instead your just unhappy i got back after 6pm. Really immature
me: we are not colleagues ... I'm not competing you for a promotion
is that why I'm unhappy?
9:23 PM you have no clue
you don't even know why I'm unhappy ... and you have not asked
Husband: ha ha , yes this is all about you. Selfish Husband trying to get a job he likes - why cant he just suffer in silence
9:24 PM me: if its a relationship - its about both of us I hope?
its not only you were hurt yesterday - it was me as well
9:25 PM but to you your hurt is worth more - because you think you are worth more than me
9:26 PM Husband: you haven’t dealt with this very well at all - you showed no interest in me getting this job offer, in fact you were annoyed as it made me a few minutes late for getting home one night. I despair- you need a job with some responsibility
9:27 PM me: again - you don't know why I was annoyed and you still haven't ask me why. Instead you draw your own conclusions
Husband: why were you annoyed ?
9:28 PM me: I wasn't really annoyed with you for coming home late ... I was half teasing when I said "You're late" - what really upset me ... was when you turned around to me and said "I don't see you getting a X calling you up and giving you a job" - pretty much told me that you felt you were better than me ....
9:31 PM Husband: rather petty - no, I was dead keen to tell you about this opportunity, you were just looking to pick a fight because it made me home late. Well, if I get X’s now vacant post, I will be home late a lot more anyway
9:33 PM look you are making a little naive mistake - notice I never get a free lunch – don’t have the time, I come home late, often tired, i try and work evening and weekends, that’s what I have to do as I’m doing Xs and my work, plus trying to stitch up X on the sly (successfully, this week)
9:35 PM me: you think that's petty - well it hurt me. Maybe it was petty for you - but it was not petty for me. You're always telling me how much more money you have and without you I won't have a proper place to live. You always reinforce that you're much better off than me ... also you reinforce you have the higher salary, more responsibilities which could never ever equate to what I do - because your job is higher than mine ... and I don't care - because the relationship is not about our jobs
again, our relationship is not a competition of our jobs
9:36 PM if you think that is what our relationship is based on - please dissuade yourself of the idea - because I don't see it that way
Maybe you should never gotten together with someone to similar a job as you .....
you have a competitive spirit ....
9:40 PM Husband: you are asking the impossible with this 6pm thing, especially when X calls me to his office and starts opening job negotiations. I'm effectively an X now in pay scale and leadership roles, I have to leave the dept when the work is done. I expected you to be happy for me, not angry I was late.
9:41 PM X wanted an action plan on how to get X to become more favourable to the city proposed programme - which is what X wants me to lead on
9:42 PM me: I don't care if you come home late - what annoyed me about your lateness was that it kept moving on .... from 6:30 to 7:15, then 7:20 then 7:40 then 8:00 .... would you do that to a colleague? No - you respect them more ... if you're going to be late, I don't mind you saying ... I'm going to be late - I'm not going to be home till 8 and then be home at 8 not 10 ....
9:43 PM Husband: I have no idea how long an action plan will take - this is a little different to a paper
me: I am happy that you have been tipped for job - kudos to you - and I think this a good career move
well, then say I'm doing an action plan - I've no idea how long it would take
9:44 PM Like the night you did the project - you said you had no idea how long it was going to take ... I wasn't angry when you came home at 2 am ...
Husband: OK, but that's going to be an answer I give a lot !
me: I was actually sorry that I did not get up to keep you company whilst you ate
Husband: There's little I can do -I'm now lead person , hence the battles with X
9:46 PM me: Okay ... all, I'm saying if you say 2 hours or check me back in 2 hours, rather than keep postponing time .... I could probably decide I can eat and then keep food for you late ... rather than keep waiting perpetually to eat ....
9:48 PM Husband: ok, point taken, but you could have shown a bit more enthusiasm for my breakthrough.
me: Trust me, its better you overestimate time and reach home earlier .... that way ... it feels nicer ... as if you want to spend time ...
9:49 PM I was keen to talk to you at 2pm ...
I wanted to know what happened in the evening ... I was half-teasing when you said you were late - but you exploded went off on a rant - so it is very difficult to get enthusiasm after that ....
9:50 PM I just wanted to keep quiet and hope your anger went away

Later that night …
2:15 AM me: I've decided. If you're not home by 10 am tomorrow morning to try and resolve this .... it is over. I'm aware in under a month time we are supposedly getting legally married. I am not going into a marriage where my partner disappears for two nights or more without trying to resolve a problem face to face. It is just a recipe for relationship disaster. If you can't resolve this tomorrow and promise to resolve arguments that occur in the future on the same day, then I can't go through with it. This is completely unsatisfactory. It is an ultimatum - but I need to know what to do with my life ... I need to know there is stability in our relationship and at the moment .... this behaviour from you indicates it is rocky. I'm sorry I hurt you but you hurt as me well. Love you and hope we can resolve it ... well, I know at least I know I do. I don't know where you stand.


That's the end of it - just for the record I did give him advice about X's bullying but he just said my suggestions were naive and ridiculous. He did promise after that he will always come home - but then it started again a few months later - him staying away when we had an argument
 

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Violence won't help. It doesn't matter how much you think you can justify hitting him, it won't end well. Don't even threaten it.

Regardless of all the details about the fights and the "he said...then I said..." stuff, the problems stem from money.

Your husband has said you are financially irresponsible, those issues haven't been properly addressed and now this has escalated to him claiming you are generally irresponsible.

You need to solve the money issues. Whether that be shared accounts, pooled funds for household expenses, monthly savings targets etc I don't know. That's for the two of you to work out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks brightlight. I don't want to hit him - I'm not justifying my reasons for hitting just saying why I think I feel like hitting him and where it is stemming from. Because if I know what is causing it then I'll try and catch myself and try to avoid the situation. I certainly don't think violence is ever-warranted that is why it is so shameful to me, because its something I stand completely against. I'm trying to understand why I'm doing it.

I should clarify the three attempts, the two was actually this morning, the first he didn't see because I was walking up thinking about it and then I caught myself and I walked away. The second he did see. The first time, I don't really recall, but I think I threaten him before - so, I was just trying to be completely honest and that was probably about 6 months to a year ago.

I agree money is at the heart of it - but no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to work. I sat down and we worked out savings targets in January for both of us - at my instigation - because I don't like being accused of being irresponsible with money as I am very frugal. I generally shop at thrift stores - and I introduced him to it. I never pay more for something if it can be cheaper somewhere else. I don't like fighting about money - but for him money is paramount but its very difficult to sit down and talk to him as he avoids any discussion with me and instead runs away and stays away nights if he thinks we're going to talk it out. I've tried to resolve the money issue many times - I don't know what he wants from me - I don't think he even knows. He just wants to meet some target to buy a house, which I don't really want - I'm happy renting but he's not - that's his main goal in life.

I think it might be the end - because I don't think he should live in fear of me - and I don't think we can resolve the financial issues. There are other issues as well - which align to me but haven't discussed them and has to do with raising a family.
 

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Thanks brightlight. I don't want to hit him - I'm not justifying my reasons for hitting just saying why I think I feel like hitting him and where it is stemming from. Because if I know what is causing it then I'll try and catch myself and try to avoid the situation. I certainly don't think violence is ever-warranted that is why it is so shameful to me, because its something I stand completely against. I'm trying to understand why I'm doing it.

I should clarify the three attempts, the two was actually this morning, the first he didn't see because I was walking up thinking about it and then I caught myself and I walked away. The second he did see. The first time, I don't really recall, but I think I threaten him before - so, I was just trying to be completely honest and that was probably about 6 months to a year ago.

I agree money is at the heart of it - but no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to work. I sat down and we worked out savings targets in January for both of us - at my instigation - because I don't like being accused of being irresponsible with money as I am very frugal. I generally shop at thrift stores - and I introduced him to it. I never pay more for something if it can be cheaper somewhere else. I don't like fighting about money - but for him money is paramount but its very difficult to sit down and talk to him as he avoids any discussion with me and instead runs away and stays away nights if he thinks we're going to talk it out. I've tried to resolve the money issue many times - I don't know what he wants from me - I don't think he even knows. He just wants to meet some target to buy a house, which I don't really want - I'm happy renting but he's not - that's his main goal in life.

I think it might be the end - because I don't think he should live in fear of me - and I don't think we can resolve the financial issues. There are other issues as well - which align to me but haven't discussed them and has to do with raising a family.
It sounds like you have made up your mind.

Your husband staying away for nights and avoiding talking about (the very thing he blamed you for) finances doesn't sound very promising either.

If you at all think there is hope and you want to give it a go, I think you should try sitting down and talking about money again.

However, there may be a fundamental difference of goals with him wanting to buy a house and you wanting children.

Did your husband mention anything about kids after he buys a house? What is his time line for buying?
 
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