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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
It amazes me how this doesn't really seem to bother people. Somebody's past says a lot about a person. I don't want to be a with a woman who places a low value on sexual intimacy or someone any man can have if they "get her drunk enough." I feel these things help shape people. Usually people don't care for someone to divulge their past when they don't really want to divulge their own. Or they don't want to know if the number is high because they don't want to have to think about those things. Well, I like to think. And I like to share. I've shared this before but this is where i'm coming from:

I dated a woman who was a few years older than me. She was divorced. We met at a book store and got into a conversation about philosophies and relationships. It took off from there. We started spending a lot of time together and then ended up being involved romantically. We discussed each other's past in the course of the relationship. She told me that she had never been unfaithful in her marriage. But later on she admitted that she had. One of her kids she is still not sure who the father is. She has also been with around 40 men. She was promiscuous in college and she had slept with a lot of married or taken men after her divorce. I felt like those things were important but it was also important about what she and I could have. Unfortunately over time I realized that these experiences help shape how she acted in relationships.

She was never used to having healthy relationship with someone who was always available. She would create problems to have a reason to get away from the relationship. I wasn't around enough or I was around too much. I think I did a good job of being rational and showing my points of views on things. I thought I was helping the relationship. But I realized later what she was trying to do. She had a lot of insecurities. She wanted to end the relationship but it had to be my fault so then she could say i'm just not what she needs and she won't feel guilty about the sabotage. So me being rational meant she would just have to try harder. While I would share intimate things about me, she would criticize me for them. Something I never did to her. She told me I abused drugs because I told her I took a prescription mental focus pill to cram for a biology test in college. I never said anything when she mentioned to me how she got high most of her marriage, and I think she even did cocaine. We once got into an argument in my car because she told me she felt the music I listened to was disrespectful to women. I mentioned to her how her she liked a rap artist who actually went to jail for sexually assaulting a woman, so I didn't really know what her problem was. She ended up screaming and I turned the car around and took her a$$ home. Because of that she said I was controlling. We broke up 4 times in the course of the relationship. Every time I talked with her I was calm and rational so I think she felt that wasn't enough for her to really end it. Our last break up was when we had a phone conversation about her day and she said she would call me back in a few minutes. Well I don't hear from her for 3 hours. I call her back and she answers the phone as if nothing is happening. I asked her why she couldn't text me or call me back. That was all she needed:rolleyes:. She went on a tangent telling me i'm not her husband and my behavior was controlling. And how the way I act is a product of how my dad raised me. I never mentioned one thing negatively about her behavior when she told me how her dad was abusive and even killed himself some years ago. She wanted to break up again. I said fine. We ended talking again about a month later. I told her I could not continue communicating with her unless she apologized for how she disrespected me or at least acknowledge she had at least some fault to own up to that ended our relationship. She told me she was blocking my number:)

Had I not known about the issues this woman had I would not have known about why she was so passive aggressive, why she had me on a yo yo or why she just sometimes needed to initiate some type of conflict. I don't think it's ever a good idea to get involve with anyone without knowing the types of romantic or sexual decisions they made regard intimacy(at least for me). Some of you may say I just had a tough woman to deal with. But how do you know unless you ask those questions. People's behavior is a product of many things. Past decisions is one of them. I want someone that I can ask any question to and not have it be off limits. I am not a perfect but I feel the woman I am with should know what she is getting. Good and bad. For people who want to know the number or types of romantic experiences, I think this is where a lot of us are coming from. I am not a virgin and If I dated a woman that wanted a virgin I couldn't be mad at her for wanting that and wanting to end our relationship. If she sees me as a potential husband she has every right to know such things.
 

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Women have issues, regardless of how many times they got laid.
It's your choice in the end, but bear in mind there are women of quality out there who are actually more mature, intelligent, and wiser than the younger or more 'innocent' crowd, due to their experiences with men not despite them.

The ironic thing is that I was the one in the relationship always trying to sabotage everything because yes -> I was not used to vulnerability and long term commitments. My wife however, who ironically has a more extensive past, was the patient one and although we had problems, she was always passionate and never gave up. She was the one ready for marriage, I was the one who wasn't.

That's what it comes down to -> you can't always blame a woman's past for everything she does in the present.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Point well taken. But I would also like to add that I don't need a woman to be innocent. But I would prefer to be with someone who has had relationships that were working toward something serious. And if they are not, then they would much rather be alone with the time frame of being single being longer than a few months.
 

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I think what the OP [ Falcon king ] is saying is that this woman originally hid her past. She outright LIED to him because she knew her emotional state.
If the OP knew that she was a serial cheater, he would not have invested much time in the relationship with her.
If they were both just looking for a " good time", then he would not have been disappointed in the end.
The main reason women hide their past IMO, is not so much of the fear of being judged wrongfully, but because they are ashamed of it.

Ok so lets take another look at this.

Op meets this woman in a book store,and they instantly click and begin to talk.
They talk about stuff like kife , philosophy etc.
There is chemistry.
Lady then decides to tell OP some of her life story and OP tells her his.
Lady tells OP that she wants to be honest with him and tells him the TRUTH.
OP decides he really likes this woman and sees a future with her based on what she has told him, and her HONESTY.
Op knows what to look out for and so they start a relationship on the firm , sound foundation of TRUST and TRUTH.

This is what people look for in a relationship.
 

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Falcon -

I agree with you and I have always felt the same way. I realize not everyone agrees and not everyone thinks a persons past should dictate their future.

I look for a persons patterns. A number of sexual partners is not what bothers me, but I would look for the pattern to their behavior. Do they have a history of cheating? Do they have a history of struggling with commitment? Do they act in a lewd manner on purpose (trying to get attention? Low self esteem?) This stuff would natter to me when it comes to picking someone long term.

Everyone is capable of changing and growing, but you can quickly tell where a person is in their life based on their past and present behavior. I don't think there's anything wrong with using that as a barometer of whether someone is a good fit for you.
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To an extent, it does have an impact. My first relationship was when I was 18. I lost my virginity to him right before i turned 19. I thought he was "the one" (omg I was an IDIOT) but later found out that I was one of many females he was seeing. There was absolutely nothing special between us. It was all a lie. I ended up pregnant before finding out. I was SO devastated by that because I was ALWAYS the one turning guys down left and right and the FIRST guy I slept with lied to me about pretty much everything he ever told me, got me pregnant, and left....So when I met my husband we had serious issues in the beginning. I was slightly..... a lunatic. I don't even know how he stuck with me. I snooped through his stuff constantly, put a key logger on his computer, manipulated and twisted his words to make a mountain out of a molehill, you name it. I even slapped him once because he put cologne on to go to a carwash. INSANE, I know. But that was totally influenced by my past. Now, most guys would RUN RUN RUN from that behavior (rightfully so, I might add).... but my husband took my past into consideration and hoped and prayed it would change.....and it totally did. I am absolutely nothing like I was when we first hooked up as far as jealousy and insecurity goes.

He could have said I wasn't a good fit for him.... but so glad he took the chance because we are perfect for each other.....

Likewise, he had always been in a serious relationship. Usually I would look at guys like this as people who just constantly need to need someone and need to be needed by someone. I watched my brother run through gf after gf, and all of them were "the one". I always thought that would make me feel like I was "just another one". Glad I didn't feed into those assumptions.....
 

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Point well taken. But I would also like to add that I don't need a woman to be innocent. But I would prefer to be with someone who has had relationships that were working toward something serious. And if they are not, then they would much rather be alone with the time frame of being single being longer than a few months.
A man ( or woman ) does not have to compromise. They need not settle. If they know what they value then that is what they should go for.

Let others settle for less. There are plenty of awesome people out there. If you are looking for a lifetime partner you need only one. Being compatible is important.
 

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To an extent, it does have an impact. My first relationship was when I was 18. I lost my virginity to him right before i turned 19. I thought he was "the one" (omg I was an IDIOT) but later found out that I was one of many females he was seeing. There was absolutely nothing special between us. It was all a lie. I ended up pregnant before finding out. I was SO devastated by that because I was ALWAYS the one turning guys down left and right and the FIRST guy I slept with lied to me about pretty much everything he ever told me, got me pregnant, and left....So when I met my husband we had serious issues in the beginning. I was slightly..... a lunatic. I don't even know how he stuck with me. I snooped through his stuff constantly, put a key logger on his computer, manipulated and twisted his words to make a mountain out of a molehill, you name it. I even slapped him once because he put cologne on to go to a carwash. INSANE, I know. But that was totally influenced by my past. Now, most guys would RUN RUN RUN from that behavior (rightfully so, I might add).... but my husband took my past into consideration and hoped and prayed it would change.....and it totally did. I am absolutely nothing like I was when we first hooked up as far as jealousy and insecurity goes.

He could have said I wasn't a good fit for him.... but so glad he took the chance because we are perfect for each other.....
Love your story, your husband saw the whole picture... he knew what he was up against and he saw faith & promise in you., bound & determined to NOT give up on you..... your heart was in the right place with that BF -he knew that too, how utterly devestated you were .....

Your love story makes me think of this song ... she had a really tough time, deep heartbreak ... but he was there, not going anywhere, wanted to be her lover, be her best friend... catch her every fall.

I wanna be there- blessed union of souls - YouTube
 

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FalconKing said : But how do you know unless you ask those questions. People's behavior is a product of many things. Past decisions is one of them. I want someone that I can ask any question to and not have it be off limits.
This IS me 100% - deal breaker #1. Anyone who refuses to vulnerably talk about their past would never work with me.

I really am not someone who expects perfection at all , life is full of Grays.... people are human , we screw up, make bad decisions in a moment, some are more immature than others in their youth.... then they grow up, mature and have MORE conviction than anyone around them against NOT doing what they did !! This is absolutely HUGE!!

So my aim would be to uncover where their
is NOW, where it has traveled.... what they have gleaned along the way in light of their various experiences....or smooth sailing. Most importantly I would want their heartfelt honesty.

The same values ....absolutely....but that doesn't mean we have to come from the same side of the fence. I believe genuine LOVE can conquer near anything ... including one's past.
 

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When it gets more serious and before marriage then both should know each other's past. It seems risky to do it any other way. History of things like drug abuse, addictions, domestic violence, and number of partners are all part of who we are.
 

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It does mater it always does!!

just like a persons entire past and history maters!!


dont believe me?

i might see you coming in for divorce than. Trust me it maters
 

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people are delusional. IDK i am done trying to educate those who wish to dwell in their own ignorance let them destroy themselves i suppose most people will anyways.
 

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I find this whole topic rather unfair; just because I've had more than a handful of lovers does not mean that I have little, low, or no value for sexual intimacy or that I don't know how to 'make love'. Maybe it's because the men I ended up with, mostly ended up being selfish or abusive pricks...or having any other combination of negative qualities that I consider myself too good to put up with. Save my virtue and stay with the guy who beat the crap out of me, or leave, start over, and try again with someone else? Pfff...
 

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This IS me 100% - deal breaker #1. Anyone who refuses to vulnerably talk about their past would never work with me.

I really am not someone who expects perfection at all , life is full of Grays.... people are human , we screw up, make bad decisions in a moment, some are more immature than others in their youth.... then they grow up, mature and have MORE conviction than anyone around them against NOT doing what they did !! This is absolutely HUGE!!
:iagree:

That is the crux of the matter.
People want you to be vulnerable with them and their issues, they expect you to be " mature enough " to accept them for who they are , BUT THEY REFUSE TO TELL YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE!
A person's character is the sum total of their life's experiences, their choices , and their ability to learn from it.
 

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I find this whole topic rather unfair; just because I've had more than a handful of lovers does not mean that I have little, low, or no value for sexual intimacy or that I don't know how to 'make love'. Maybe it's because the men I ended up with, mostly ended up being selfish or abusive pricks...or having any other combination of negative qualities that I consider myself too good to put up with. Save my virtue and stay with the guy who beat the crap out of me, or leave, start over, and try again with someone else? Pfff...
You judge your own past more harshly than I would. I think withholding your history (major things anyway) keeps you from feeling loved for who you are. Imagine all the good, bad, and ugly out there in the open then you are loved for who you are baggage and all. That seems like a good thing.

And really it's just exposing what you think your partner should know. I think almost everything. Number of relationships, ONS, kinky stuff, etc. My wife and I know the numbers and we know stuff that each other did not do. I wouldn't want the details though.

The thing is. If you are asked about it, do you outright lie or tell the truth. Not bringing up the subject is one thing. Lying directly is just bad though.
 

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You judge your own past more harshly than I would. I think withholding your history (major things anyway) keeps you from feeling loved for who you are. Imagine all the good, bad, and ugly out there in the open then you are loved for who you are baggage and all. That seems like a good thing.

And really it's just exposing what you think your partner should know. I think almost everything. Number of relationships, ONS, kinky stuff, etc. My wife and I know the numbers and we know stuff that each other did not do. I wouldn't want the details though.

The thing is. If you are asked about it, do you outright lie or tell the truth. Not bringing up the subject is one thing. Lying directly is just bad though.
I don't judge myself or my past at all; like I said, I walked away from many a loser who wasn't good enough for me. Lie about that or withhold it? Are you kidding me? I'm proud of myself for walking away from those sh!tty situations.

I'm more offended by the OP's insinuation that you can tell a lot about someone from their past, as if it's something to be ashamed of. Not all of us are ashamed of our pasts.
 

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I don't judge myself or my past at all; like I said, I walked away from many a loser who wasn't good enough for me. Lie about that or withhold it? Are you kidding me? I'm proud of myself for walking away from those sh!tty situations.

I'm more offended by the OP's insinuation that you can tell a lot about someone from their past, as if it's something to be ashamed of. Not all of us are ashamed of our pasts.
Yep I misunderstood you. I see where the statement "you know where someone's going by where they've been" is offensive to people who have changed for the better. I'm guessing when someone sounds righteous and judgemental is when it annoys you more.

I do think the past turns out to be a good predictor in many cases though. There is a reason for credit reports, police records, etc. I personally would not have a problem with the number of partners if spread over time but I would be very uncomfortable if someone was married four times and was a serial cheater.

So yea I get your point but the OP's seems valid too.
 

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I suppose, I'm just still raw from that thread last week, about 'moral equivalence'...that one got me really pissed off, especially when I was told by another member that since I'd been around the block a few times, I knew a lot about sex, but nothing about 'making love'. I can't stand self-righteous, condescending, holier than thou types.

To each his own. You want to marry a virgin, go right ahead. You want to sleep with hundreds of different partners, go right ahead. Most of us, however, especially in THIS day and age, tend to fall somewhere in the middle, which is where I am. Not virginal but not a 10 cent hooker, either. :mad:
 
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