Not quite sure where to start. Nothing about the past 23 years has been easy. My husband and I met through mutual friends and married a year and eight months later. Two years later our first daughter was born. This was my first marriage and child it was hubby's second marriage but first child. Before I became pregnant my husband and I had our first "issue". We had become friends with a girl I worked with and her husband. The four of us would hang out quite a bit at each others houses after work and on the weekends. She decided to change jobs but we remained friends. Little did I know my hubby and her were closer then I realized. I would drive by her place of work and see his car there, people would tell me that they saw them out to lunch together, but he swore there was nothing, that they were just friends. After all they were in public when people had seen them. Just after I had found out I was pregnant we went out one night him with his friends and me with mine. At the end of the night he was so drunk so I went to find him. When I got to the bar and looked in the window he was sitting next to her. I went crazy on him. But he stuck to his story and promised nothing had ever happened and nothing would. A few more years went by and in 1997 we had our second daughter. From what I can remember we were happy. We always teased each other but that was how we got along. In early 2000 his Mom started not feeling well. He is an only child and he and his Mom worked together. In June of 2001 his Mom passed away. It was a horribly sad and hard time for him and I and both of our girls. I would like to blame the demise of our relationship on his inability to grieve or show emotions but I don't think that is fair. In late 2003 I became involved with someone. He was a family friend and we both worked with him. At that time I worked with my husband. He would come over for dinner all of the time. Hubby and I would go on vacation with friends and he was always included. Of course Hubby confronted me on many occasions. But I always said we were just friends. In summer of 2007 (yes 4 years later) I was forced to confess to sleeping with the OM 1 time. I am not sure why I let it go on so long or why I didn't stop, but I did what I did. In 2008 I found emails that my husband of my hubby's answering ads on craigs list for erotic massages. I never found proof of him going and he always denied going. He was just looking. Two weeks ago I randomly decided to go through his phone bill and found calls and texts to ads from backpage.com for massages. The calls and texts go back at least 3 years. He says he has only gone for 1 massage with a happy ending..but how am I to believe him. I feel I deserve this, that it is payback for what I did. He says he loves me and only wants to be with me. How do I believe that? How could I have not known? And how do I get him to be honest with me?