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Not quite sure where to start. Nothing about the past 23 years has been easy. My husband and I met through mutual friends and married a year and eight months later. Two years later our first daughter was born. This was my first marriage and child it was hubby's second marriage but first child. Before I became pregnant my husband and I had our first "issue". We had become friends with a girl I worked with and her husband. The four of us would hang out quite a bit at each others houses after work and on the weekends. She decided to change jobs but we remained friends. Little did I know my hubby and her were closer then I realized. I would drive by her place of work and see his car there, people would tell me that they saw them out to lunch together, but he swore there was nothing, that they were just friends. After all they were in public when people had seen them. Just after I had found out I was pregnant we went out one night him with his friends and me with mine. At the end of the night he was so drunk so I went to find him. When I got to the bar and looked in the window he was sitting next to her. I went crazy on him. But he stuck to his story and promised nothing had ever happened and nothing would. A few more years went by and in 1997 we had our second daughter. From what I can remember we were happy. We always teased each other but that was how we got along. In early 2000 his Mom started not feeling well. He is an only child and he and his Mom worked together. In June of 2001 his Mom passed away. It was a horribly sad and hard time for him and I and both of our girls. I would like to blame the demise of our relationship on his inability to grieve or show emotions but I don't think that is fair. In late 2003 I became involved with someone. He was a family friend and we both worked with him. At that time I worked with my husband. He would come over for dinner all of the time. Hubby and I would go on vacation with friends and he was always included. Of course Hubby confronted me on many occasions. But I always said we were just friends. In summer of 2007 (yes 4 years later) I was forced to confess to sleeping with the OM 1 time. I am not sure why I let it go on so long or why I didn't stop, but I did what I did. In 2008 I found emails that my husband of my hubby's answering ads on craigs list for erotic massages. I never found proof of him going and he always denied going. He was just looking. Two weeks ago I randomly decided to go through his phone bill and found calls and texts to ads from backpage.com for massages. The calls and texts go back at least 3 years. He says he has only gone for 1 massage with a happy ending..but how am I to believe him. I feel I deserve this, that it is payback for what I did. He says he loves me and only wants to be with me. How do I believe that? How could I have not known? And how do I get him to be honest with me?
 

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Why? You haven't been honest him.

Both of you need marriage and individual counseling. And a good one.

This is a train wreck.
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I think you are rug-sweeping your affair.

In your post, you completely gloss over your infidelity. You also state you were forced to confess.

So let me get this straight, you feel what he is doing is payback?
I don't think you understand the true pain a betrayed spouse feels after year of lies and betrayals. You shared the most intimate moments with someone other than your husband.

IMO is don't think you are truly remorseful.
 

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It sounds like neither of you is ready to be in a monogamous committed relationship.
I didn't mean to make what I did sound good. I am very remorseful. But I was trying to get to the big picture of him. Years of answering these ads and he only went once? And he says I am the one he wants to be with?
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You both need individual counseling and marriage counseling. You can't work through the mess you have both made without professional help.
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You both need serious counseling. This is really beyond our ability to advise you. Get help. Please.
 

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Both of you need to see someone for counseling. Separately and/or together. I don't know what else to say. Both of you have admitted to or been caught doing something that is hurtful to the other. Once isn't better than the other.
 

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Are you sure the marriage is something either of you want to save?

You cheated in a long term sexual affair and have only admitted to 1 night even after getting caught.

He may or may not have done something. You have no proof that woman you cite was anything more than a friend, and you very possibly are projecting your own "We're only friends" lie onto your husband to justify your own affair.

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Now your husband is out replying to ads. Could he be looking for a revenge affair? It's very possible he knows that your REAL affair was for more than the 1 time you've admitted, and he's given up on trusting you?

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The bottom line is there is absolutely no hope or reasonable expectation of him being truthful with you when you won't be truthful with him.

You actually made you affair worse by not coming fully clean when caught. Now it's two betrayals instead of one.

My money would be on him only being with you currently because of the kids. He may have done the math after your affair and realized he would be ending up on the short end of the stick if he divorced you. You'd have the kids and the house and he'd be living someplace else and paying for all of you.

So he did the math and decided to stay - at least until the kids are grown.

Since he's out looking for sex for $$, and you also went outside, I'm guessing the sex in your marriage is few and far between?

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My advice:

1. Get both of you to a MC.
2. Come FULLY and TOTALLY clean about your own cheating. Hold NOTHING back to cover yourself. This is a make or break play. Realize you are here in this state because your marriage is so broken that only a total reset is going to fix it.
3. BOTH of you should go get polygraphs done. Both of you come fully clean.
4. If his poly comes back that he didn't cheat with that friend years ago - believe it. It really may have just been friends, and you may have escalated it in your own mind to justify your own affair.
 

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Oh, and as part of MC - I highly suggest you step back and think long and hard about how humiliating it must have been for your husband to discover you kept your AP so close to your family. Actually having him over for dinner, bringing him on family vacations etc.

Have you even dealt with your husband humiliation from this?

The more I think of your story, the more I'm convinced your husband is only with you because he will loose so much, but he's likely a broken man inside filled with deep humiliation and very likely carrying deep distrust and resentment from your affair.

And it's very unlikely he believes it was only 1 time - so he's also carrying around the additional pain that you never fully were truthful to him. This has left him with the total inability to trust you. He may very well think you are still cheating on him.
 
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