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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hey guys...this isnt an emergency post, more like how should i handle type thing..


so me and my husband married at 19. he is now 23 and i will be 23 in june. When we got married then my husband had a totally different mindset then, he was totally ready to be the man etc etc...now we are about 3 years into our marriage(married april 2010) and hes seems to start realizing what he wished he could have had...im guessin hes curious as to what it would be like to be able to live with mom a little longer, party, hang out all hours n not have to worry about wife at home..experiment(not with women even though that would come into the part of being young and not married), but just to be on his own etc..hopefully you guys know what i mean...now on to me..i grew up very sheltered, so when me and him got married i was completely ready and transformed into wife mode(lol), not a regret..not to mention he was my first real love, first EVERYTHING, literally first dinner date, movie date, first person i could ride in car with etc(like i said i was VERY sheltered).

Basically i just want to know how to handle this..i dont want to push him away wanting the man he made the decision 3 years to be, and now hes kinda wanting to "step down" for a bit..i do understand as you get older things change..desires change, but i dont feel like i should have to want those same desires in order for us to be equal..i want him to be the man he was ready to be then..now he jus wants to be young and not have a care..when in reality thats now gone...i just want thoughts is all...like i said nothing huge but i just need input! Thnx
 

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Not huge? Sounds huge to me.

How much time does he spend out with friends and acting single?

Why can't you go hang out with him?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
he doesnt really hang out with friends or act single..im saying he has the desires to want to be a "normal" 23 yr old i guess you can call it..im sure having emotions of wanting to be carefree is normal, im just asking how can i handle it better
 

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Hi,
I understand what you're saying.
I went through the same urges. I used to party before and had the urges after. What helped is an experience I had that jolted me into reality.
After that experience , I dumped those male friends I used to hang out with and we started developing new friendships with other married couples.
That took care of the urge to socialize in risky environments, and it helped me change my perspective.
My suggestion is to try and develop friendships with other young, married couples, who respect your marriage. It helps.
 

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There is no absolute right or wrong thing to do here. My opinion is that if you allow him to have you and have his freedom it will result in either he leaving for someone else or you being embittered by the time he realizes you are all he needs. Talk about it as openly and calmly as you can. He needs to make the call really and I rekon you need to move on if he doesnt choose you ofer so called freedom. Whast did ther Easgles sing..."Yea freedom....thats just some people talkin'"
 

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If he has demonstrated that he is responsible, honest and committed, AND you don't want to do those "normal" 23 year-old things with him, then letting him do those things without guilt is a wonderful gift you can give him.

If, however, he has shown that he gets into trouble and becomes irresponsible without adult supervision then you could probably interpret his desire as, "I think I may have blown it by getting married too young and I want to see what I missed."

Try having an honest discussion with him where he can tell you what he is thinking without you showing all of your emotions (which might deter him).

Then let us know what he says.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks guys. @ Pollon: he has been an amazing husband, never cheated, been unfaithful in anyway, responsible and loves me..he basically just wants those experiences he missed out on..

and @ carribean man: yeah we only have one married couple we hang with and things are great when he hangs with that husband..i dont start getting weary until he hangs with his other single friends who arent commited and all they care about is ho's and partying(lol).

I just want to handle this theright way..bcuz i dont want him to feel im an overprotective wife because thats def not what i want lol
 

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Not that it's ideal to have those experiences with single friends, but if you believe they respect him, you and your marriage and might even protect him, then let him go. It would just be a good idea to know his friends.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Not that it's ideal to have those experiences with single friends, but if you believe they respect him, you and your marriage and might even protect him, then let him go. It would just be a good idea to know his friends.

yeah i know his friends well..they dont ever push anything on him..i was just concerned because they are single and i know how my husband is feeling right now..so him seeing them get to do what they want without having to worry about answering to anyone makes me feel its going to make him want to enjoy single life more..:scratchhead:
 

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You've said he is responsible, reliable and faithful. You seem to trust his friends. If you can give him your blessing to hang out with the boys without having to check in with you, his friends will consider you the model for their future mates. In addition, he will come home feeling very positively toward you.
 

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You're 23. Have some fun. Don't make this a big issue.

I had friends who married in their early 20's and it can totally work to have a social life and be married and have all kinds of friends, couples and singles. You just have to start bringing your groups together, and soon you'll be hanging out with a rotating group of friends that both of you know and enjoy and feel comfortable with.

For example, invite your hubby's guy friends over to watch a football game along with the husband in the couple you are friends with. Or have a party at your house and invite everyone you know. Invite some of the single guy friends to dinner with you and your husband. Maybe meet them out for a drink on your way home and then leave them to their guys night out. Eventually, they'll start having girlfriends and will bring them into the group. You'll all know each other and it will be fun to get together for parties at someone's house, or a night out elsewhere.

Point being, create a social life together.
 

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How open is he about talking to you about missing out on the single life?

When I hit 30, I had an internal shift and just wanted to reminisce about being younger and the way it felt to have my life be a little bit more self centered. I never acted on any of it. I just needed to deal with it in my head. What made it better and pass easier was making sure that I talked to my wife about it. She understood and it seems you do too (for your husband I mean).

Wanting something with open communication and sneaking around to fulfill what is wanted are miles apart in marriage.
 

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No way in hell would I have allowed that. The life he has is the one he chose. That is BS... I got married a couple months after I turned 21. You know when I finally got to act on those urges? Once I was separated. I don't care how old or young you are... Its not how a married guy should behave. He needs to grow up. Go read in the "Coping With Infidelity" forums and see if that is really a position you want to find yourself in.
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The question of a husband wanting to spend some time free from married responsibility is kinda slippery. He has got to live a life as a married man. What that looks like is different for different men. One thing is for sure, bars and clubs are a place where a married man can easily fall into the temptation to really live like he is not married.

Some guys need a coupla days to go hunting, fishing, working on his car, going to see a game or something. However, I have known guys that take it way too far. Every weekend they are away from their family doing something other than being a husband and father.

That's not right.

Marriage and family are a huge responsibility.

The big question is this: Is he distant mentally, emotionally, and or physically? Also, I agree that men need to grow up and stop acting like they are single and living the easy life after they get married.
 

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Well,I got married young just like you ,and missed on sooo many things in my life,and I wish I can go back and live some more freedom life,even after having kids I felt more tied and get no more life on my own..but sure i chose to stay and my duty as awife and the commitment i made ,looking back now after all those years now maybe if I got the chance to go out and hang with friends and and..probably I would never came back.dont let him go if he went out he's out,and he will feel later on that your aweight on his shoulders and nothing like the single guys who usually get together just to have FUN..hope the best for you
 

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My wife and I still lived a young adulthood life during marriage, it's not as often as we like due to our responsibilities as well as our daughter. I don't see a reason why you two can't hang out together, and I also don't believe in the whole "guy circle" and "girl circle", like hell my wife is cool with all my mates and besides she reckons guys are more fun anyways and when she mixes with her lady circle she doesn't kick me out either - we've always been a pair. When it comes to partying oh hell do we go wild, up until morning too.
 

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I guess that there will always be what ifs in our lives, since we can't have everything and have to make choices. Maybe if we don't marry early, we might enjoy lots of freedom, parties and so on, but then maybe we end up reaching 30 or 40 still single and finding all the past partying superficial and starting to wonder what if we have found someone to settle down with.

I've married at 27 years old, and we've been 6 years together before marriage. He's my first and only man. What if I've never met him? What if I took the partying and single route? What if I started to travel a lot? Maybe I would be happy and still end up finding someone I'd love after all the partying years; or maybe I'd reach 30 or 40 years old and still be single, and then wonder how much I wanted to have someone I could love and love me, to just share a comfy home with, instead of having parties and socializing with unimportant people or even strangers I'd never meet again.

There are also other big what ifs in life - what if I became a designer, instead of working in the IT fields?

IMO, if it's not having chosen the alternative is not much of a big deal, and if what we have now does give us happiness, then it's better to appreciate what we have, than later wondering about what if we have treasured what we have instead of wondering about the what ifs. :)
 

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This is a hard one for me to answer because I never went through the stage where I wondered about all of the things that I missed. I was 17 and she was 16 when we got married (she was pregnant). She has been the only person I really wanted to sped time with for over 40 years.

That being said, there have been some good suggestions. Some guy time is not a bad thing just as you having some girl time is not. Having his friends over is also a great idea. The one thing we did was spend time with other married couples...none were as young as us, but we found some anyway.

I think the main thing is keeping your relationship strong. Make sure you both keep your home the kind of place you both want to come home to.
 
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