Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 107 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I know time is the great healer but what do I do for right now?

I suspected that she was cheating but I didn't know to what extent until this weekend. I had read on hear about the voice activated recorders. On Saturday I got to listen to 5 days worth of her being home alone - only she wasn't home alone much.

We have tried to be more adventurous and we have had some great times but I always stopped at inviting others into our sexlife. I knew she was looking for more but just hoped it was a phase or something.

She's very sorry but her views on sex are now seemingly very different from mine.

She's changed so much but it's still the woman I love in there - somewhere.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,358 Posts
She's changed so much but it's still the woman I love in there - somewhere.
I am so sorry that you're here. Unfortunately, the wife that you once knew is DEAD! She has been replaced by someone who looks like her, but trust me, she's not the same woman that you married.

How long have you been married? Any kids? Is she willing to do the work necessary to begin a new and stronger marriage? If not, then you should let her go. Also, now that she's tasted the forbidden fruit of strange sex, it might be really difficult for her to go back to the same ol' same ol' with you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
OK. Firstly, is it anyone you know? Secondly, how long for? Thirdly, will she stop completly?

And MC is a must.
Sort of - several guys and a couple we met at an adult club. She's into being submissive which I have a hard time with. She says 6 months.

She will stop cheating but doesn't want to stop having adventures. I admit she has asked me to push the envelope with her. I saw this coming.

If i had to summarize her behaviour it would be like she's going through a hippie stage - free love and all.

MC - no way a traditional MC would work for either of us.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
982 Posts
Sort of - several guys and a couple we met at an adult club. She's into being submissive which I have a hard time with. She says 6 months.

She will stop cheating but doesn't want to stop having adventures. I admit she has asked me to push the envelope with her. I saw this coming.

If i had to summarize her behaviour it would be like she's going through a hippie stage - free love and all.

MC - no way a traditional MC would work for either of us.
And you're buying this?
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,350 Posts
If she's been pulling a train while you were at work, the best you can hope for is to be the conductor.
Look, the poor chap is in a lot of pain. Maybe snappy oneliners will not help him just at the moment.:(
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,984 Posts
Maybe you are in shock or maybe you are confused but your head is so far in the clouds that I am not sure that anything we tell here will be helpful..

You wife is a swinging with other couples in your house and she is giving you terms for reconciliation ? How the hell did you get here man ?? What do you have such low self esteem.

Why isn't kicking out a cheating spouse an option ?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
I am so sorry that you're here. Unfortunately, the wife that you once knew is DEAD! She has been replaced by someone who looks like her, but trust me, she's not the same woman that you married.

How long have you been married? Any kids? Is she willing to do the work necessary to begin a new and stronger marriage? If not, then you should let her go. Also, now that she's tasted the forbidden fruit of strange sex, it might be really difficult for her to go back to the same ol' same ol' with you.
We all grow and change but she's still my wife and best friend.

13 years. 3 kids.

She's willing to do almost anything to keep us together as a family but she basically wants us to become swingers.

I love her for her free-spirit but the cheating hurts. The things I heard on the VAR are stuck in my head - and i keep listening to it!!
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,350 Posts
Sort of - several guys and a couple we met at an adult club. She's into being submissive which I have a hard time with. She says 6 months.

She will stop cheating but doesn't want to stop having adventures. I admit she has asked me to push the envelope with her. I saw this coming.

If i had to summarize her behaviour it would be like she's going through a hippie stage - free love and all.

MC - no way a traditional MC would work for either of us.
Says who?

You both attend an 'adult' club and wonder why your wife has sex with other people? :eek:

You both need to be tested for STDs/HIV.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,262 Posts
I am sorry you are hear but it sounds like you may have been involved with opening the door.

I am going to assume you want to be the only other person in the marriage. No other paymate male or female right?

If so will she commit to this? Does she look at what she did as cheating? If not there is no hope

You are going to need to tell us all more about what and why it happened and your wifes attitude about this for anyone to offer real help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,815 Posts
I'm not sure what you want. Its very clear what your wife wants, but it sound like you are not willing to let her go if she continues?

Thats the thing here, she betrayed you, yet you show her no consequences, and search out how to forgive her.

Its almost like you would reward her for this instead of showing her you will no longer tolorate it.

May I suggest you could forgive her if she she learned the tools to affair proof the marriage and stop the deciet. I mean forgiveness is earned isn't it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
Maybe you are in shock or maybe you are confused but your head is so far in the clouds that I am not sure that anything we tell here will be helpful..

You wife is a swinging with other couples in your house and she is giving you terms for reconciliation ? How the hell did you get here man ?? What do you have such low self esteem.

Why isn't kicking out a cheating spouse an option ?
I know TAM is a pretty conservative forum but I do appreciate everyones input/posts. Even the one liners - it all helps me think this through and form feelings and opinions.

I don't have low self-esteem - far from it. Kicking her out is of course an option. But that's not what i want.

This is about being married to a woman whose moral compass is different from mine but one that I am willing to stay married to.

She want's to make this up to me in several different ways but most of her ideas seem self-serving. I'm trying to figure out how to wrap my head around all this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,898 Posts
need more details.

FYI, What you want is not to forgive, it's to reconcile. They are not the same path and you are light years away from getting a chance to reconcile.

To find that path will require both of you looking for it. Right now there is only you and if you rush to offer your forgiveness, thats all there will ever be. Forgiving is a unilateral step toward reconciliation, but reconciliation must be bilateral and reciprocal.

Her path to remorse, and then potentially to a desire to reconcile starts with consequences. Clear consequences. Without consequences, there will be no genuine remorse. Without remorse, there will be no reconciliation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
I am sorry you are hear but it sounds like you may have been involved with opening the door.

I am going to assume you want to be the only other person in the marriage. No other paymate male or female right?

If so will she commit to this? Does she look at what she did as cheating? If not there is no hope

You are going to need to tell us all more about what and why it happened and your wifes attitude about this for anyone to offer real help.
I admit I was very involved in opening the door.

I'm not opposed to polyamorous relationships - it's the cheating that hurts the most. not her having sex with others.

As for the details - I don't want this to become some tittilation thread on the internet. She's being having sex with multiple partners - men and women and couples. mostly involving BDSM which I know she loves but I struggle to get into - just not my thing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,804 Posts
She's willing to do almost anything to keep us together as a family but she basically wants us to become swingers.
She is telling you she wants the convenience of you taking care of her but to be able to live the life SHE wants, with you just as a helper.

Are you willing to accept that life?

Do you want your kids to grow up believing in self-absorption and entitlement? They will become what they see in you (or her).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,815 Posts
Have you listened to the recording together? Have the both of discussed how hurtful they are to you?

Bottom line here she wants to swing and you don't!

You can't control her but you can control what you will tolorate by staying with her or letting her go.

Have you gone a line and looked at chastidy belts, this may an option you both could benifit from. For a few hundred bucks you can get a real good one for her. Sorry for thinking out side the box but maybe its what she needs.

Has she contacted the guys and the couple to let them know she can no longer contact them? This is your 1st step. If she wants her marraige she needs to write a no contact letter to these poeple.
 
1 - 20 of 107 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top