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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hello,

I am married for 3 years and have a son. My wife joined me in another country at the beginning of our marriage.

My wife is a person born with a golden spoon in her mouth. She is very spoiled and cannot do anything by herself. She does not like to be criticized (nobody does but she does not accept at all). I knew all these about her when I married her but I was hoping that I need few months (or years) to help her change but unfortunately, she didn't (well a little bit better than before but not enough for a marriage). During the last few years, I spend a lot of time, energy, and money trying to help her but it did not work.

Since our marriage, she is studying the local language to join the university (she has already a Bachelor degree from the home country and used to work before our marriage) but she didn't reach the required level and find reasons to justify this (despite for most of the people, it takes around 8 months). In all aspect of life, she is passive and does not do anything even for herself so I end up always paying some penalties for her because she didn't make to a deadline. Also, I am taking care of all her paperwork and deadlines even with her doctors. She does not know basically anything about her documents (e.g. I know the birthdays of her parents and she does not) or what I submitted for her XYZ application. External people might think I am a bossy husband but the reality is that she does not do anything

I feel I am doing two jobs and taking care of two kids (my son and my wife because instead she helps me taking care of our kid, she increases the load) and the time I spent taking care of everything is taken from my working time which led to no extension of my working contract. So basically, I work twice as hard as my peers but no achievements because of my marriage. I tried all possibilities with her but she changes one day and returns back to the same state the next day.

For her, the best life is that the husband buys everything for his wife and takes her for vacations which I am trying my best to ensure given that she does not have any income. Moreover, she tries always to show me examples of some influencers who don't do anything but are living very nice lives.

I know I can do way much better in my life than now because now I just try to fix her mistakes and do things instead of her which don't lead to any success in the end because she does not do the small remaining part of her (Unfortunately, some stuff must be done by her: I cannot study instead of her for example).

I am tired of this life and think seriously of separation and would be very grateful for any advice.
 

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You married someone hoping they would change... that's a huge mistake. This is who she is and she most likely will never change. So, your options are to stay and accept things the way they are, or leave.

It sounds like you don't have kids yet, so if you want to leave do it before kids enter the picture. You should also leave sooner rather than later if alimony is a factor. Your country will have its own rules but in the US, the longer you're married the longer you pay alimony.
 

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He then said he takes care of the kids, plural.
Op who will look after the children if you leave? How old are they?
 

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I stopped reading after the first paragraph. You knew who she was and then go on the say she needs to be “fixed/helped” and your going to change her.
I’m going to stop right there ........
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Let me clarify what is maybe ambiguous:
I have one son with her and when I said taking care of two kids, I meant my son and my wife because instead of helping me taking care of our kid, she increases the load (actually more than my son)
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I stopped reading after the first paragraph. You knew who she was and then go on the say she needs to be “fixed/helped” and your going to change her.
I’m going to stop right there ........
Well, I changed a lot since I got married. No one will marry the perfect person and the goal of marriage is that everyone helps the other to improve. She is not a bad person and I love her too much but she has a problem and cannot recover from it. Maybe I did everything to change her but missed the right thing.

I am seeking advice but this does not mean I don't understand people. Marriage is not black and white and I believe that successful marriages took a lot from the partners to make them successful.

Another thing; why focusing on the past if this happened and cannot be changed. Even if I made the worst thing in life, sorry but saying that this is wrong is not advice.
 

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Well, I changed a lot since I got married. No one will marry the perfect person and the goal of marriage is that everyone helps the other to improve. She is not a bad person and I love her too much but she has a problem and cannot recover from it. Maybe I did everything to change her but missed the right thing.

I am seeking advice but this does not mean I don't understand people. Marriage is not black and white and I believe that successful marriages took a lot from the partners to make them successful.

Another thing; why focusing on the past if this happened and cannot be changed. Even if I made the worst thing in life, sorry but saying that this is wrong is not advice.
You're right that no one is perfect but you don't marry someone hoping they will change. You marry someone fully accepting their imperfections.
 

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Your first step should be talking to a lawyer to see where you stand with custody, child support and alimony. It probably won't be pretty, seeing as she doesn't work and might not have any "earning potential".
 

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Well, you were both immature, you for thinking people can change just because you want them to, and her because she seems to have little real-life experience. You are now only in a parental role to her, and until she is out on her own she will not likely mature much, which she may never be on her own if she can run home to her parents and keep being spoiled.

Once either partner is in a parental role, the romance is gone and the relationship become virtually nonsexual and bitter. I hate that she may be stuck there if you divorce away from her family and since she's helpless, you'll likely still have to pay for everything. If I were her and didn't want to do much with the kids and still dreaming of being an internet influencer, I'd likely up and leave the country. You need to see an attorney and just see what your options are. You were foolish to think this could ever work, though, so it's not all on her, and don't know WHAT you were thinking having kids with her since you knew how she is or why she wasn't on birth control if she wasn't mature enough to parent. Two people making big life mistakes they can't undo.
 

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Hello,

I am married for 3 years and have a son. My wife joined me in another country at the beginning of our marriage.

My wife is a person born with a golden spoon in her mouth. She is very spoiled and cannot do anything by herself. She does not like to be criticized (nobody does but she does not accept at all). I knew all these about her when I married her but I was hoping that I need few months (or years) to help her change but unfortunately, she didn't (well a little bit better than before but not enough for a marriage). During the last few years, I spend a lot of time, energy, and money trying to help her but it did not work.

Since our marriage, she is studying the local language to join the university (she has already a Bachelor degree from the home country and used to work before our marriage) but she didn't reach the required level and find reasons to justify this (despite for most of the people, it takes around 8 months). In all aspect of life, she is passive and does not do anything even for herself so I end up always paying some penalties for her because she didn't make to a deadline. Also, I am taking care of all her paperwork and deadlines even with her doctors. She does not know basically anything about her documents (e.g. I know the birthdays of her parents and she does not) or what I submitted for her XYZ application. External people might think I am a bossy husband but the reality is that she does not do anything

I feel I am doing two jobs and taking care of two kids (my son and my wife because instead she helps me taking care of our kid, she increases the load) and the time I spent taking care of everything is taken from my working time which led to no extension of my working contract. So basically, I work twice as hard as my peers but no achievements because of my marriage. I tried all possibilities with her but she changes one day and returns back to the same state the next day.

For her, the best life is that the husband buys everything for his wife and takes her for vacations which I am trying my best to ensure given that she does not have any income. Moreover, she tries always to show me examples of some influencers who don't do anything but are living very nice lives.

I know I can do way much better in my life than now because now I just try to fix her mistakes and do things instead of her which don't lead to any success in the end because she does not do the small remaining part of her (Unfortunately, some stuff must be done by her: I cannot study instead of her for example).

I am tired of this life and think seriously of separation and would be very grateful for any advice.
As others have pointed out, you knew who your wife is and married her in hope of changing her. It is a recipe for failure.
You also seem to feel guilty for not being up to her expectations. You subscribe to the idea that men are supposed to work hard to take their wives on vacation, and your wife is blaming you for not taking her on vacation or not giving her the life of influencers on social media. Since when influencers are role models for families? They can influence teenagers who are in full identity crisis, but not grown-ups raising kids and building families. She lives in a world of fantasy and believes that what she sees on social media is the real life of those people. They don't show their daily struggles; they don't display their problems; they just show an idealized picture that does not reflect their reality. it's a lucrative business, but it's ruining people's lives because some idiots think that this is what life should look like.

If your wife is not convinced that building a family takes hard work, then there is nothing you can do besides divorcing and paying her spousal and child support.

I'd say talk to her and say here's the situation: you either help me raise our child and meet our expenses, or I file for divorce, and then as a single mom you will have to work to meet your expenses, let alone taking yourself on fancy vacations, because my spousal and child support will not be enough for a lavish lifestyle.
 

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One thing I'd like to point out -- YOU are enabling the crap out of her actions!

YOU are doing everything for her -- why SHOULD she change? What if you just handed her a list, with dates, when things need to be done.
If she doesn't do them SHE needs to face the consequences -- stop buying her stuff, doing all of her applications,
Stop paying for her school unless she gets at least a B in the course -- so if she doesn't study and try, then she stops going to school. HER fault, not yours. STOP doing all this stuff for her or she will never learn to do things for herself (she may not ANYWAY, but she certainly won't this way).
Also, have her go get a job -- she can work where she doesn't need to interact with clients to know the language, etc. -- just have her work to have her contribute to the household.
ALSO -- STOP doing her stuff and letting it interfere with YOUR work.
 

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Looking ahead — next time don’t consider marrying someone thinking they’ll change. If they do, it’s usually for the worse and not for the better. That was my unfortunate experience anyway.
 

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Well, I changed a lot since I got married. No one will marry the perfect person and the goal of marriage is that everyone helps the other to improve. She is not a bad person and I love her too much but she has a problem and cannot recover from it. Maybe I did everything to change her but missed the right thing.

I am seeking advice but this does not mean I don't understand people. Marriage is not black and white and I believe that successful marriages took a lot from the partners to make them successful.

Another thing; why focusing on the past if this happened and cannot be changed. Even if I made the worst thing in life, sorry but saying that this is wrong is not advice.
People aren't cars that can be repaired or modified to suit you. A hell lot of men think you can just wife up a person. That is not how it works.
You have no control over her life and your actions so far has only encouraged her to remain the same.
 
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