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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Everyone,



This is a very long one but I'm needing some perspective and advice.



I've been on this forum awhile, a bit of background to save you reading past threads... My now ex-partner we had a legal separation late in 2018, we were never married but were together for around 20 years with two children, house etc... We got together as friends sharing a flat in our early 20s, but that very soon became sexual. It was always a very sexual relationship and every time one of us would house the other would follow. He would never share a bed or room with me though and for those early years would never kiss me, even during sex, but always came into my room in the morning for sex. There were times when I told him didn't want to anymore and he would tell me I didn't mean it, persuade and pressure me until I gave in. He would never hold my hand tell me I looked nice etc. We spent all of our time together and people presumed we were a couple but we had an odd and emotionally distant connection but with very frequent sex but only when he wanted it. We lead a very small life, he wasnt working, we met studying, he didn't see his friends and he lived through me and my friendships our lives really revolved around my work and study but we both really only had each other. We both had/have dysfunctional families.



I fell pregnant approx 3 years into this, we had just moved house so I could be closer to work. He was furious when he found out and slammed his bedroom door in my face and told me to deal with it. I came home one day and he told me he had found a one-bedroom flat for me to live in and he was leaving to go told to pick fruit. He actually said he would visit me in the hospital once the baby was born that I wouldn't see him he would just leave a toy. So he moved me in and then never left! He kept saying he was going but kept postponing it. I was alone but with a man that said he was going but didn't. I was having the baby knowing that I was a single parent. I just accepted this. The stressful part was waiting for him to leave. The only change was there was now only one bed so he shared a room and a bed with me.



So our son was born and he moved us into another place with two bedrooms. We were more as a couple then when our son was just over a year old he met a girl at work and two days later he was in love and leaving to follow her no matter where, he had to be with her, even if it meant leaving his child. I wanted him to be happy and I couldn't handle him crying pining after her so told him to go and he left the very next day and moved into her share house, but rang me every night telling me of his adventures with this girl and her friends while I took care of our so on my own. No family, no friends close by, and to make it more isolating before he met this girl we had just bought an old house in an isolated area. After being away for several months he wanted to come back but only if he could continue his special friendship with this girl. Which included nights away etc sharing a bed with her as he said that's just how they are. I said no. I saw a layer and we had a financial separation and I paid him out of the house and I moved on, stronger and happier. I have come to realize now that the weight of a relationship with someone that doesn't love you is like a stone weight, I was always worried someone would find out. I felt so much shame in this relationship. I loved him but I knew deep down that he didnt feel the same.



Fast forward a couple of years, he wanted to come back, he said realized that he loved me, wanted to be with me. I said no at first but he moved closer anyway. He invited me over, got dressed up and cooked meals, and took me out, we had great conversations as always. I felt romanced so we got back together and noticed in a matter of a week things shifted with him. It was slight but his focus on us dropped a little and he no longer looked at me that way or treated me like I was his special person. I felt tricked but our son was happy to have his dad and I wasn't going to ask him to leave even though it was only a week into him living with us again. We tried for another child that same year and I had losses that he didn't attend the hospital with me. I wanted to give our son a sibling. I was bereft but he didn't hold me or my hand. I felt lonelier than I ever had alone.



4 years later we had a 3-year-old and our oldest child. He again told me he was leaving, he met someone and was in love. He apologized, but he was resentful of us as he couldn't be with her. He said he hadn't made up his mind yet but thought he was leaving. He didn't leave but it was only after I spoke to a friend and was telling her how he was deciding if he wanted to go or not so I was waiting for his decision. She turned to me and said you have a say in this too, what do you want? It didn't really occur to me that I had a decision to make as well. I told him this and it just seemed to resolve somehow. He got violent around this time. He choked me during a game of teatowel. I had accidentally caught him close to his face and it sent him into an awful rage chocking me. There was another time he pushed me hard in the back. While these are both awful he pretends that they never happened. He would tell me that if people really knew you you would be ostracised from the community. People would never speak to you. He was referring to the angry outbursts where I would be gardening and throw a shovel because the hole I was digging was too hard etc. I'm far from perfect but I have never hurt anyone physically but it would be hard to live with some that get angry like that. I would say what about you? You choaked me, he would say that didn't happen that was in your head.

I guess this kind of brings me close to the present day. In 2016 he became distant and again he was wanting a new life and yes he met someone (always much younger) he was leaving but said wanted to make sure there was a relationship to leave for first. During this time I caught him using ch at random to mastur bate with other people which included trying to take it offline to connect with on other platforms. He gave these people lots of personal details about us and or children including schools etc (I put a keylogger on our computer after I caught him) He blamed me but them turned i into him needing a social life and I wouldn't let him go out with women from work for drinks so he needsed a social outlet. It really messed with my head. I asked him to please stop and told him that if he was to continue using it we would be over. He continued secretly whenever I was out of the house and he was home alone. He was also openly telling me he was waiting to see if this connection at work would work out. Finally, I had enough and I forced him to leave. We divorced, where he tried to get the house or make sure I couldn't afford to pay him out. He is still bitter about the fact that the house was seen as mine when he moved in years ago when we financially separated on the same house years ago. So the amount that I had to pay him out was smaller than he wanted.



What he did for me was to support and encourage me in starting my own business, he was very encouraging and would help in many ways. I know he would talk proudly of me to work colleagues. He would always thank me for dinner, he did practical things for me. I realized that I find it really difficult to be really open, I'm not romantic. I spent periods of time being a bit shut off sexually, I didn't like parts of my body touched, and for a time I found it hard to kiss him. We always had sex though, 2-3 times a week at least. I am wanting to apologize for not being easy to live with. There were times I would get angry and throw something. Not at him but I would get rage. I realized that was an issue and I sort help for this when our second child was a baby. Once I understood why I was carrying deep anger the anger stopped. I was hard to live with I would raise my voice an get angry. I have realized that what I had been carrying for years could have been fixed years ago. It does make me wonder if I could have been more myself in my 20s. I want to apologize for my issues, for being angry and unapproachable and I want to say thank you for the things that he did. I also kept my own bank account that he didn't have access to and wasn't happy about. He asked to get back together after the divorce was final in 2019 and I said no. He felt that we still have a strong connection and maybe we could at least have a sexual relationship. I just laughed.





If you have read all of that then thank you! I feel it was something I had to put down but I'm also aware that a lot of it is my view on the past and seems quite negative. I'm asking for help I deciding this. What I want to say to him is thank you and that I appreciated everything that he did for me and to apologize for the things that I did. So do you think should write that letter? Or listen to my psychologist and not. She feels that I don't have anything to apologizes for. I shouldn't give a sorry letter. She calls it a sorry letter, but for me, I just want to own up to my side of it all. A side note is I'm single and very happy being so. He has re-partnered and I'm happy for him. He is still bitter about the house, divorce. I have no part of me that wants to disrupt his life but after spending time with someone recently that reminded me a lot of my past self I have had the urge to write a letter to apologize and own up to my faults in the relationship and to thank him for his support over the years we were together. I feel like he would appreciate this.
 

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He has re-partnered, listen to that inner voice that says "I have no part of me that wants to disrupt his life"... and let your actions match your words.
 

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Ummmmm ........ NO !!!!!

Just to make sure I have this clear .... You want to apologize to a loser who completely used you for sex and left you void of emotional fulfillment and also left you at your times of most need with your children????

What on gods earth are you thinking???
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Ummmmm ........ NO !!!!!

Just to make sure I have this clear .... You want to apologize to a loser who completely used you for sex and left you void of emotional fulfillment and also left you at your times of most need with your children????

What on gods earth are you thinking???
I was feeling less inclined after I spewed all of that out. I guess my gut instinct had been telling me to do it, so I want to make sure.
 

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Hi Everyone,



This is a very long one but I'm needing some perspective and advice.



I've been on this forum awhile, a bit of background to save you reading past threads... My now ex-partner we had a legal separation late in 2018, we were never married but were together for around 20 years with two children, house etc... We got together as friends sharing a flat in our early 20s, but that very soon became sexual. It was always a very sexual relationship and every time one of us would house the other would follow. He would never share a bed or room with me though and for those early years would never kiss me, even during sex, but always came into my room in the morning for sex. There were times when I told him didn't want to anymore and he would tell me I didn't mean it, persuade and pressure me until I gave in. He would never hold my hand tell me I looked nice etc. We spent all of our time together and people presumed we were a couple but we had an odd and emotionally distant connection but with very frequent sex but only when he wanted it. We lead a very small life, he wasnt working, we met studying, he didn't see his friends and he lived through me and my friendships our lives really revolved around my work and study but we both really only had each other. We both had/have dysfunctional families.



I fell pregnant approx 3 years into this, we had just moved house so I could be closer to work. He was furious when he found out and slammed his bedroom door in my face and told me to deal with it. I came home one day and he told me he had found a one-bedroom flat for me to live in and he was leaving to go told to pick fruit. He actually said he would visit me in the hospital once the baby was born that I wouldn't see him he would just leave a toy. So he moved me in and then never left! He kept saying he was going but kept postponing it. I was alone but with a man that said he was going but didn't. I was having the baby knowing that I was a single parent. I just accepted this. The stressful part was waiting for him to leave. The only change was there was now only one bed so he shared a room and a bed with me.



So our son was born and he moved us into another place with two bedrooms. We were more as a couple then when our son was just over a year old he met a girl at work and two days later he was in love and leaving to follow her no matter where, he had to be with her, even if it meant leaving his child. I wanted him to be happy and I couldn't handle him crying pining after her so told him to go and he left the very next day and moved into her share house, but rang me every night telling me of his adventures with this girl and her friends while I took care of our so on my own. No family, no friends close by, and to make it more isolating before he met this girl we had just bought an old house in an isolated area. After being away for several months he wanted to come back but only if he could continue his special friendship with this girl. Which included nights away etc sharing a bed with her as he said that's just how they are. I said no. I saw a layer and we had a financial separation and I paid him out of the house and I moved on, stronger and happier. I have come to realize now that the weight of a relationship with someone that doesn't love you is like a stone weight, I was always worried someone would find out. I felt so much shame in this relationship. I loved him but I knew deep down that he didnt feel the same.



Fast forward a couple of years, he wanted to come back, he said realized that he loved me, wanted to be with me. I said no at first but he moved closer anyway. He invited me over, got dressed up and cooked meals, and took me out, we had great conversations as always. I felt romanced so we got back together and noticed in a matter of a week things shifted with him. It was slight but his focus on us dropped a little and he no longer looked at me that way or treated me like I was his special person. I felt tricked but our son was happy to have his dad and I wasn't going to ask him to leave even though it was only a week into him living with us again. We tried for another child that same year and I had losses that he didn't attend the hospital with me. I wanted to give our son a sibling. I was bereft but he didn't hold me or my hand. I felt lonelier than I ever had alone.



4 years later we had a 3-year-old and our oldest child. He again told me he was leaving, he met someone and was in love. He apologized, but he was resentful of us as he couldn't be with her. He said he hadn't made up his mind yet but thought he was leaving. He didn't leave but it was only after I spoke to a friend and was telling her how he was deciding if he wanted to go or not so I was waiting for his decision. She turned to me and said you have a say in this too, what do you want? It didn't really occur to me that I had a decision to make as well. I told him this and it just seemed to resolve somehow. He got violent around this time. He choked me during a game of teatowel. I had accidentally caught him close to his face and it sent him into an awful rage chocking me. There was another time he pushed me hard in the back. While these are both awful he pretends that they never happened. He would tell me that if people really knew you you would be ostracised from the community. People would never speak to you. He was referring to the angry outbursts where I would be gardening and throw a shovel because the hole I was digging was too hard etc. I'm far from perfect but I have never hurt anyone physically but it would be hard to live with some that get angry like that. I would say what about you? You choaked me, he would say that didn't happen that was in your head.

I guess this kind of brings me close to the present day. In 2016 he became distant and again he was wanting a new life and yes he met someone (always much younger) he was leaving but said wanted to make sure there was a relationship to leave for first. During this time I caught him using ch at random to mastur bate with other people which included trying to take it offline to connect with on other platforms. He gave these people lots of personal details about us and or children including schools etc (I put a keylogger on our computer after I caught him) He blamed me but them turned i into him needing a social life and I wouldn't let him go out with women from work for drinks so he needsed a social outlet. It really messed with my head. I asked him to please stop and told him that if he was to continue using it we would be over. He continued secretly whenever I was out of the house and he was home alone. He was also openly telling me he was waiting to see if this connection at work would work out. Finally, I had enough and I forced him to leave. We divorced, where he tried to get the house or make sure I couldn't afford to pay him out. He is still bitter about the fact that the house was seen as mine when he moved in years ago when we financially separated on the same house years ago. So the amount that I had to pay him out was smaller than he wanted.



What he did for me was to support and encourage me in starting my own business, he was very encouraging and would help in many ways. I know he would talk proudly of me to work colleagues. He would always thank me for dinner, he did practical things for me. I realized that I find it really difficult to be really open, I'm not romantic. I spent periods of time being a bit shut off sexually, I didn't like parts of my body touched, and for a time I found it hard to kiss him. We always had sex though, 2-3 times a week at least. I am wanting to apologize for not being easy to live with. There were times I would get angry and throw something. Not at him but I would get rage. I realized that was an issue and I sort help for this when our second child was a baby. Once I understood why I was carrying deep anger the anger stopped. I was hard to live with I would raise my voice an get angry. I have realized that what I had been carrying for years could have been fixed years ago. It does make me wonder if I could have been more myself in my 20s. I want to apologize for my issues, for being angry and unapproachable and I want to say thank you for the things that he did. I also kept my own bank account that he didn't have access to and wasn't happy about. He asked to get back together after the divorce was final in 2019 and I said no. He felt that we still have a strong connection and maybe we could at least have a sexual relationship. I just laughed.





If you have read all of that then thank you! I feel it was something I had to put down but I'm also aware that a lot of it is my view on the past and seems quite negative. I'm asking for help I deciding this. What I want to say to him is thank you and that I appreciated everything that he did for me and to apologize for the things that I did. So do you think should write that letter? Or listen to my psychologist and not. She feels that I don't have anything to apologizes for. I shouldn't give a sorry letter. She calls it a sorry letter, but for me, I just want to own up to my side of it all. A side note is I'm single and very happy being so. He has re-partnered and I'm happy for him. He is still bitter about the house, divorce. I have no part of me that wants to disrupt his life but after spending time with someone recently that reminded me a lot of my past self I have had the urge to write a letter to apologize and own up to my faults in the relationship and to thank him for his support over the years we were together. I feel like he would appreciate this.
What’s your reason in sending this letter? Sounds like you want to say thank you to him but does he deserve this thank you? What will you saying thank you to him do for YOUR healing? You’re a queen! And you’ve been through so much like me, in very similar ways but you’re self worth and confidence shows in this message. Which is okay! I’m no damn saint, my self worth and confidence is at an all time low recently BUT We need to work on that! Your ex husband simply doesn’t deserve a thank you. He doesn’t deserve your words. He’s yet to realise all his wrongdoings you can’t force him to get there. TILL he gets there you have no words for him regarding your divorce. It’s solely the kids. Saying thank you won’t change his thoughts/feelings towards you or the divorce. SAY THANK YOU TO YOURSELF. thank you for raising your beautiful children, thank you for being resilient, thank you for being consistent


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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No. Absolutely not. You were basically a FWB to him. You may have loved him but he didn’t love you. He’s a user and you’re a giver. What you need to focus on is why you allowed him to treat you the way he did for so many years. Don’t waste another moment thinking about that loser.
 

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OP, I'd say that your admittedly dysfunctional family of origin led you to spend far too much of your life in a seriously dysfunctional relationship. You two didn't just come from dysfunctional families, you built one of your own.

I'd also say that you should keep seeing that therapist of yours. Tell your therapist you want to work on your self-esteem. Then follow their guidance on how to do that.

No one should think so little of themselves that they feel owe their sexually coercive, emotionally and physically abusive, serial cheating, ex-partner some sort of apology.
 

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You want to ease the bitterness of someone who’s unhappy that you got to keep the house — after all the **** he pulled? No. You need to stay away from him in every way and focus on becoming stronger so this never happens again. Because the world is full of users and they target people like you — just like he did.
 

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I fell pregnant approx 3 years into this, we had just moved house so I could be closer to work. He was furious when he found out and slammed his bedroom door in my face and told me to deal with it.
“How dare my semen fertilize your egg like it’s suppose to after I purposely shot it into you... the nerve!” /sarcasm

Seriously though, don’t send it. Just burn it. Find a relax place to have a little fire pit and throw it in. I’ve done this a lot. It helps to get the feelings out from a therapeutic standpoint. Sending it will only make things messy.


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I hear what you are saying. My thoughts were more along the lines of an acknowledgment and hopefully to ease his bitterness, not to start anything!
Think of it as once sent, you have lost all quality control of the action.

At least in your heart you can still know the good you meant and let him absolve on his terms.

Wish him peace and let him fully go... that much is in your control of self-love.
 

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If you send that letter you may just as well invite him to move back in and give him access to your bank account. Please have more respect for yourself. You sound like a nice person. Continue therapy and find someone who will love you for you. This guy is nothing but a leach. Don't let him keep sucking out your very soul. You'll have none left to share with someone else.
 

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@m.t.t ,

Here's the thing: the action of gathering paper, finding a pen, putting pen to paper and physically writing out what is on your heart is a way of releasing that emotional energy. So the actual, physical act of writing the letter may be a good idea. Rather than typing it out, get a pen and some lined paper and write it...and cry it all out as you write it. Release the energy that is within you--let it flow out your arm. The act of "writing" may be valuable to you.

BUT... the act of sending that letter is probably unwise. Here's why: right now you are letting go of him and moving in your direction, and he is letting go of you and moving in his direction. The two of you are DISentangling. Sending the letter continues the entanglement. It RE-entangles at a time when you are working on releasing. You continue the connection by re-establishing connection (even if it is to say goodby and even if it is negative connection), and this is a time of letting go and moving forward.

So I would recommend taking the time to write the letter, with a pen, on lined paper, and allowing that inner emotional energy of acknowleging and being personally responsible to flow out as you write. Then, do something with the piece of paper that is representative of LETTING GO. For example, burn the pages in your garden and allow the ashes to become part of the soil that nourishes new growth and new life. Or tear the letter up into little bits and use the bits to paper mache a new Christmas ornament for YOUR tree. Or put the letter in a shredder to symbolize letting go of what is written on those pages.

Make sense?
 

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He used you! He moved on.

You should stay as far away from him as possible now.

Write a letter to him, but don't send it.

Don't open the door to be used again.

JMHO.
 
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