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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone, I'm writing because I am concerned my marriage ,which is scheduled at the end of this year, would be a complete mistake!! To make a long story short, my fiance and I met two years ago, we moved in with each other after 3 months of dating. Red flags were constantly going off then, ie- g/f crying all the time over senseless bs; emotional manipulation if you will, temper tantrums, and threats. We managed to suffer through another year or so of this relationship and now I'm engaged own a house, house is all under my name, and she's living with me.

Things have gradually gone downhill. We do not enjoy each others company, for the last month or two she gets home from work makes a mess in the kitchen then proceeds to lay down and watch tv until she falls asleep. All this would be fine if I got into the relationship knowing this, but she was somewhat clean, liked to work out and generally had a good attitude when we started dating.

Both of us are new to the city we live in and have hardly and family or friends to turn to, which is why I think we have stayed together for as long as we have. I know I'm not the perfect fiance, but feel that I have tried to previde us with a nice house, and comfortable life, which she constantly throws in my face btw by saying she doesn't even want to live here and that I don't understand how much of a comittment she has made by putting her life dreams of traveling and working all around the world, in living in a city and house she like. I have called her lazy recently, but I'm completely fed up with her total disregard in trying to keep the house clean. It's almost like a f U to my face. Any advice would be appreciated!!
 

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Doesn't sound like any good reasons to get married. Sounds like you don't like each other much, and really don't want the same things in life. Do not marry someone unless you can only imagine loving and CHERISHING them F O R E V E R.

You may be doing her a favor by "setting her free".

Pre-marital counseling. Make it mandatory.
 

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Crying over senseless bs? As a man you should consider that women are emotional. Just because you don't agree does not mean you have the right to call it bs...whatever it was, it meant something to her. We just want to be heard and understood those times. Definitely not ridiculed.
My guess is there is more to the story. Obviously. She most likely does not clean out of some kind of spite.
 

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Your instincts are correct. At this stage in your relationship you should have butterflies when you hear the car pull up, your heart beat a little faster when she comes in the door and smiles at you. You should be over the top madly in love with each other. If she is throwing the "the life she has given up" in your face...let her go live it. She will never be happy if she is already behaving this way.

Her behavior of making a mess in the kitchen, laying down to watch tv and falling asleep may be symptoms of depression. No longer working out, no outside interests. Maybe she is having a tough time adjusting, or maybe she's being an immature brat. Either way it may be time to set her free to live her dream life of travel and adventure.
 

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Crying over senseless bs? As a man you should consider that women are emotional. Just because you don't agree does not mean you have the right to call it bs...whatever it was, it meant something to her. We just want to be heard and understood those times. Definitely not ridiculed.
My guess is there is more to the story. Obviously. She most likely does not clean out of some kind of spite.

I don't see where he is ridiculing her. He is obviously concerned about her over the top behavior and what it means to their future. Her behavior is not normal, she may be depressed, she may have BPD.

Being heard is a far cry from manipulating your fiancee by throwing tantrums.

Why would anyone want to be tied to someone that thinks you have stolen their dreams from them?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
May I also add we have very little interests in common. ie, music, sports etc etc. We have also not had sex in three months. The divorce rate in my career field is through the roof, so it doesn't look to promising.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
And yes Vena, it is in fact senseless bs. She was the only child and I believe her parents gave her whatever she wanted after crying. It's emotional manipulation and I give in almost every time. I'm really sick of it, she's almost 30 doing this, and it seems to be getting worse.
 

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May I also add we have very little interests in common. ie, music, sports etc etc. We have also not had sex in three months. The divorce rate in my career field is through the roof, so it doesn't look to promising.
Okay, not much to build a life on here. Remind me, why you are together at all much less engaged.
 

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I agree that you should call it off or at least postpone it.

I think you've both contributed to what's going on. Your attitude that her tears = "emotional manipulation" and are for "ridiculous" reasons sounds like you've been insensitive and patronizing toward her. When I hear that you're both in a place where you know few people or the area well, this seems to be an especially cruel way to interact with her when she's emotional. You don't have to be manipulated, but you do need to be empathetic.

It sounds like she has depression. You might both find it helpful if she'll see a doc about it.

Overall, though, I agree that you two do not sound very compatible. You both strike me as being supremely self-absorbed and not even close to being ready to treat your relationship as more important than "self" to a healthy degree.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Kathy, I couldn't disagree with you more. It's text book emotional manipulation, she crys and crys until she gets what she want's, and it works every time. I was duped the first few months but after learning her tactics and observing her flip a switch to balling her eyes out to smiling, I refuse to be empathetic. And as far as the solve all "it's depression" answer, I refuse to believe that either. Sometimes people are just innately LAZY plain and simple. Sorry for being blunt but that's just the fact of the matter. Why is it when I get off work I can manage to drag myself to the gym, clean the kitchen or do laundry, not all the time but AT LEAST some of the time. I just don't get it, I'm pretty fed up!! SOrry for the rant.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Also don't know how you made the distinciton that we are "self-absorbed" from less then four paragraphs.. We both have full time jobs, both work hard, have no kids but spoil the hell out of our dog. We live a pretty modest life for the most part. Don't know, maybe we are self absorbed, but who isn't a little bit?
 

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....I am concerned my marriage ,which is scheduled at the end of this year, would be a complete mistake!!

....we moved in with each other after 3 months of dating.

.....Red flags were constantly going off then, ie- g/f crying all the time over senseless bs; emotional manipulation if you will, temper tantrums, and threats.

.....We managed to suffer through another year or so of this relationship.

......We do not enjoy each others company, for the last month or two she gets home from work makes a mess in the kitchen then proceeds to lay down and watch tv until she falls asleep.

.....have hardly and family or friends to turn to, which is why I think we have stayed together for as long as we have.

.....she doesn't even want to live here and that I don't understand how much of a comittment she has made by putting her life dreams of traveling and working all around the world, in living in a city and house she like.

......her total disregard in trying to keep the house clean.
These are valid concerns, and if this is the way you feel then the mature, responsible thing to do do is end the relationship.
 

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Hello everyone, I'm writing because I am concerned my marriage ,which is scheduled at the end of this year, would be a complete mistake!! To make a long story short, my fiance and I met two years ago, we moved in with each other after 3 months of dating. Red flags were constantly going off then, ie- g/f crying all the time over senseless bs; emotional manipulation if you will, temper tantrums, and threats. We managed to suffer through another year or so of this relationship and now I'm engaged own a house, house is all under my name, and she's living with me.

Things have gradually gone downhill. We do not enjoy each others company, for the last month or two she gets home from work makes a mess in the kitchen then proceeds to lay down and watch tv until she falls asleep. All this would be fine if I got into the relationship knowing this, but she was somewhat clean, liked to work out and generally had a good attitude when we started dating.

Both of us are new to the city we live in and have hardly and family or friends to turn to, which is why I think we have stayed together for as long as we have. I know I'm not the perfect fiance, but feel that I have tried to previde us with a nice house, and comfortable life, which she constantly throws in my face btw by saying she doesn't even want to live here and that I don't understand how much of a comittment she has made by putting her life dreams of traveling and working all around the world, in living in a city and house she like. I have called her lazy recently, but I'm completely fed up with her total disregard in trying to keep the house clean. It's almost like a f U to my face. Any advice would be appreciated!!
She's not happy either.

No brainer here. Call off the wedding.
 

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Kathy, I couldn't disagree with you more. It's text book emotional manipulation, she crys and crys until she gets what she want's, and it works every time. I was duped the first few months but after learning her tactics and observing her flip a switch to balling her eyes out to smiling, I refuse to be empathetic. And as far as the solve all "it's depression" answer, I refuse to believe that either. Sometimes people are just innately LAZY plain and simple. Sorry for being blunt but that's just the fact of the matter. Why is it when I get off work I can manage to drag myself to the gym, clean the kitchen or do laundry, not all the time but AT LEAST some of the time. I just don't get it, I'm pretty fed up!! SOrry for the rant.
Yes, there are women like that, I know. And it sounds like she could be one. But what I got in your four paragraphs revealed what you've said here... that you're refusing to see anything to empathize with, and lack of empathy will never make you a good partner. Don't believe me? That's ok... it's your life.

I think you guys are a train wreck and that you need to leave. However, if you're considering staying, you need to realize you cannot change her, but by changing yourself, the relationship will change. If you believe it's all manipulation, I'd challenge you to consider that even manipulative people can feel depressed, and that the key for YOU is to stop allowing yourself to be manipulated, and to treat her in a way that doesn't justify her resorting to unfair tactics. By being empathetic, you don't have to cave to her demands. But if you're automatically going to assume the worst and never bother to actually pay attention to her needs or to figure out what they are, then she is going to feel desperate to get those needs met with manipulation or whatever other tactics she can find.

Her being manipulative does NOT give you license to be an insensitive clod to her. If you cannot treat her with love and attention, tell her to pack her bags today and buy her a plane ticket home.
 

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I have to ask you a question: You are talking about her crying as emotional manipulation(which I agree), why did you let it work every time?
 

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1. I think EVERYONE here agrees...the wedding should be OFF.

2. You two need to split up....you're a bad match for each other. Do it NOW!

3. Protect yourself until she moves out (since it's YOUR house). Do NOT be like the guy on the boards who knew LAST YEAR that he should have pulled the plug on his marriage, but he kept putting it off because it was going to be painful and uncomfortable. Need I tell you he was back on the boards this past Autumn...still wants to leave, but WIFE IS NOW PREGNANT! She doesn't want an abortion, he doesn't want the child, he doesn't want to be married. NOW he's stuck with 18 years of child support and this woman will be in his life FOREVER (think, graduation, marriage, grandkids, etc.)

Break this off BEFORE it blows up in your face! This week, JUST DO IT!
 

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I think neither of you want to be the one to pull the plug and be the bad guy. Are you concerned about family and friends? Perhaps telling a few key people who you can trust will help you weather the coming storm. People hate to have a wedding pulled out from under them so there will be resistance.

If you have key people who know what is going on, they can have your back and help you back out of this.

Oh and you know you were unwise to get involved before you knew her. It usually takes 18 months to 2 yrs to know someone well. Now you know her and you are not compatable. What ever you do don't marry and have kids. You will be tied to her for years.
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