[justnowhoney]

I think I'm going crazy. Divorced my ex 4 years ago after 26 years of marriage and three kids. The main problem was that he would not quit running a business that kept putting us into financial ruins and the stress it was causing me. I have remarried. The problem is that I am still in love with my ex and I know he still loves me. A lot of awful things happened during the divorce, including some very scary, hateful things he did to try to get me to go back to him. He went a little crazy when I started dating after the divorce and my remarriage was very painful for him. My adult children have been drug through a lot of crud in the last four years as my ex pretty much fell apart emotionally. He has finally taken another job and I can't stop thinking that I'd like to talk with him - but I know that I still have strong feelings for him. It would be so nice to put this family back together again, but it seems like every turn I take, people get hurt. I can't talk to anyone about this - not family or friends, since they have been through the ringer too through the divorce. I'd love to hear from some of you...

 

[Machiavelli]

won't your present husband object if you take up with you XH?

 

[Prodigal]

It would be so nice to put this family back together again, but it seems like every turn I take, people get hurt.

I hope that you realize the main person you would hurt would be your current husband.

Why did you get remarried if you still have feelings for your ex?

 

[Bellavista]

There is a phenomenan I call 'The Desert Syndrome'. It is taken from the Bible & relates to when Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt.

See, the Israelites were slaves & treated very badly in Egypt. They begged to be freed. When they did escape & were free, they found themselves in the desert, having to tramp to a new land, probably not a particualy comfortable journey, although their needs were met.

They began to complain & say they wished they were back in Egypt. Now, they would not have been any happier back in Egypt, it is just that:
1. Their present circumstances were not comfortable FOR THE MOMENT.
2. They were re-writing the past to suit their present.
3. They did not know where they were headed.

All of that to say, that if you went back to your previous husband, it may not be the paradise you might expect. Take a look at your current husband & assess your marriage to him without 'The Desert Syndrome' before you make any rash decsions.

 

[teachgrl]

Be honest about your feelings. Talk to your ex, maybe he has moved on emotionally and all your worrying doesn't matter any way. The most important thing is to be honest.

I understand the not being able to talk to your friends and family about it, most of mine are unkind to me when I even mention being friends with my ex. I know he thinks we made a mistake and wants me back, but I have moved on from him emotionally.

 

[justnowhoney]

I am very aware that my husband would be very hurt and he doesn't deserve that. If I am honest about my feelings - there is this - I always believed I would grow old with my children and my first husband in an intact family and I am grieving that loss. I know that my ex still loves me and that I am the one that broke this family. To answer why I got married again... because he wanted to and I didn't believe my ex would ever change and I was afraid of being alone. How's that for honestly.

 

[justnowhoney]

Bellavista - thank you for your reasoned and thoughtful response. It is exactly this kind of feedback that I need. I will be thinking about your response a lot tonight... and don't worry, I'm not going to do anything rash.

 

[Machiavelli]

I'm guessing your present STBXH was netting more $$ than your XH when you married, and now your XH is making more $$ than STBXH. This is what is known as female hypergamy. It's not quite universal (NAWALT), but may as well be. Now this is completely natural, it's all part of nature's plan, so to speak. But most men don't understand that. Especially after 26 years of marriage. What makes you think your XH doesn't have a couple of much younger cuties on the line? Most men in his situation do. When was the last time you spoke to him?

 

[Emerald]

What do you want to do? Do you want to divorce your husband & re-marry your ex? How do you know he is still in love with you? Does he tell you?

 

[Prodigal]

I am very aware that my husband would be very hurt and he doesn't deserve that. If I am honest about my feelings - there is this - I always believed I would grow old with my children and my first husband in an intact family and I am grieving that loss. I know that my ex still loves me and that I am the one that broke this family. To answer why I got married again... because he wanted to and I didn't believe my ex would ever change and I was afraid of being alone. How's that for honestly.

Nope. You aren't aware of how hurt your current husband will be. You are still too busy inside your head grieving the loss of the first husband. Not much room in there to love the man you're currently married to if the first one is still lingering. You married the second guy because he wanted to get hitched. You were afraid of being alone.

Actually, it sounds like you're alone now even though you are married. You've got one foot in the previous marriage, are grieving its loss, and expected to spend the rest of your life with hubs #1.

People don't necessarily give you the answers you seek or word them in a way you want the worded. Glad at least one poster gave you the response you were looking for.

You claim to be the one that left the first marriage. Apparently, you regret it. Maybe your ex hasn't changed as much as you think he has. Best of luck. I hope things work out for you.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Sounds like you made a horrible mistake ...but at the time you couldn't see straight. My God... 26 yrs, I wouldn't begin to understand how you shake a connection like that. I doubt I'd be able to handle it myself & can see why your ex fell into emotional despair.

But now your new husband will be destroyed. Me , personally, I'd never want to be with someone whose heart is elsewhere, I would leave that...let them go, vows alone will not hold the heart.

Does your husband have any idea at all what you are struggling with here... has this conversation EVER been brought up to him, or have you carefully hidden your longing for your EX ? Being honest with ourselves , not stuffing, is the 1st step to resolving. Whatever road that may lead to.

Bellavistas response sure does give one alot to think about !

Pray also and seek "peace"... I've learned in my own life.. to never act when troubled, when the heart is divided......just hold off...pause...WAIT for Peace....when the answer comes.... you will just know, your heart will be settled, and ready to walk through the right door.

 

[justnowhoney]

Machiavelli - you couldn't be further from the truth. I make my own money. I was the one who worked a steady job so my ex could be self employed and take us through one mess after another. I still make my own money and lived alone for three years. I was not looking for someone to pay my bills. Sorry to not follow what you have experienced.

 

[justnowhoney]

I'm reading all of your responses and thank you for them. I'm seeking to find some kind of clarity, as I know that I'm in a place where I'm not really stable in my thoughts. There has been so much pain in my family through this divorce and my re-marriage that I feel totally beaten. I don't want to cause any more pain. If I could go back 5 years and not take the steps I did, I would take it all back. That being said, there were very real problems I was facing and by the time I left, I was an emotional mess. Indeed, wandering in the desert....

 

[Emerald]

If you are an honorable person, you will honor the vows you made with your husband. Once you accept your situation, love & cherish the man you are with, your feelings for your ex will start to diminish

or

you can divorce your husband & get right back with your ex & all of the problems you had which caused you to divorce him in the first place. You think that things will be better because he has a job, but people lose jobs all of the time for any number of reasons. If he loses his job, will you still want to be with him?

 

[justnowhoney]

Honorable. This is what I want to be. And these are the things that are going through my thoughts. Sometimes I think it would be the honorable thing to put my family back together and try to undo the damage - but don't even know if that is possible. I had no idea what divorce would do, not just to me and my ex, but to my entire family and group of friends. Now there is another man involved that would also be hurt. Sometimes I just want to pack a bag and move to a hut somewhere far away where this would all go away. I really am not some niave thing that made any decision on the spur of the moment, but I did not seem this **** storm coming.

To answer the question if he lost the job if I would again be ready to leave - the business he was in took over our lives and made it a constant circus for the entire family. He was drawn down a rabbit hole where this business was the source of his pride. He would lie to protect the business and we would end up many thousands of dollars in debt when I thought we were doing well. I had to take bankruptcy when I got divorced, even though I had a decent income. I begged him to find a job, any job, that would make this end. He didn't do it until I remarried.

I waited for three years after I left for him to make some kind of change. He knew how I felt for years before I left because I begged him to make a change. I believe he had some very unhealthy emotional entanglements with this business that he could not shake until he hit rock bottom. My rock bottom came much sooner than his.

I hope he finds happiness. He is a good man. I'm married to a good man. My children are good people. Divorce is a dirty, awful sinkhole.

 

[justnowhoney]

For the question of how I know if the ex still has feelings for me. I know. That's why I don't just go to him and talk to him. Thinking about these things and acting upon them are two very different things. If I went and talked with him I would be ripping off a terrible scab - and not even knowing if any good would come from it. I don't know if he has really changed. I could start the whole terrible mess all over again.

 

[Emerald]

You are right about divorce. We don't just leave our husbands but our entire lifestyle! I am amazed at how many good friends I have lost because they did not approve of my choices. By the grace of God, my daughters are doing so well because they knew we did not get along.

I am glad you are here seeking advice & not making any quick decisions.

 

[justnowhoney]

No, my current husband does not know how I feel. I have no contact with my ex. We've been married for five months. Honesty right now with him would cause more harm than good as I really don't know where these irrational thoughts of mine are leading. What a mess.

 

[Emerald]

No, my current husband does not know how I feel. I have no contact with my ex. We've been married for five months. Honesty right now with him would cause more harm than good as I really don't know where these irrational thoughts of mine are leading. What a mess.

I've been divorced 4 yrs. also & re-married for 1 1/2 yrs. For me, when I think about my exH, I remember all of the good times. It's wierd, but I don't really think about the bad times. Maybe you are thinking about the good times also.

 

[costa200]

What i don't get is this. You were fully aware of your feelings for your ex, right? You knew you were still in love with him and that it was the financial side that drove to a divorce. So, where did your current husband come into this? You have no feelings for him? You married him while in love for the ex? Why did you marry him?