Talk About Marriage banner

Not open for further replies.
1 - 2 of 2 Posts

4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all. I found this forum after searching for one on relationships on google. I actually contribute regularly to another such place BUT this is something I want to put before people who don't really 'know' me... and which I know my fiancee won't read.

Basically, I'm engaged to be married this summer to my fiancee. We've been together over 2 years and have had a mostly perfect relationship. We've had our fights and arguments, but we always worked things out. She is my best friend and someone very special and unique to me. I am truly in love with her. Marriage had long been on the cards and finally I proposed and she said yes! To be honest, I think she had been waiting a long time for it and I was just dragging my feet waiting for the right time. Since it is mostly an LDR though the 'right times' were not so obvious. But, we are engaged to proposing is all done and dusted.

But.... I am having second thoughts about whether I should really marry her. I feel like a cheat and a coward even thinking like this, because if we break up now I'm going to *really* hurt her, and myself, and I'm having no luck really justifying my thoughts. But they won't go away.

Basically, the relationship is fine as far as it goes, but it doesn't go far enough in some ways. Also, I just feel sometimes that I'm leaping into marriage and family and homelife too soon in my life. There are a list of things I'd be doing/aiming to do if I was single again and now I'm engaged/soon to be married I will never do those things.... Now, I think that any relationship requires a degree of compromise from both partners and we do compromise. I think she's worth it and I'm sure she thinks the same as me. But, as I said, sometimes I have these doubts about that...

I'm not sure where to start, so these are not in order of importance.

Sex - we do regular sex. And that's about it. It's ok, I enjoy it, she enjoys it less, but we both are beginners and still getting better at it. I'm not at the point where I'm really getting her off during sex, but she's understanding and supportive and totally doesn't pressure me about performance. I'm not the one-minute wonder I used to be but still not at the point I'm ringing her bell 3x a night... practise makes perfect. I would like more variety though. No1 thing is she does not want to try oral sex. Not for me,and she doesn't want me doing it for her (something she's never experienced). I guess I can understand her not wanting a mouthful, but she won't even try. And she won't let me try going down on her. Everything I've read says this is something that can really please a woman and help her orgasm and I want to do that, but she says no. Also, she doesn't even like me looking down there.... I look anyway, she's perfectly normal and everything but really feels uncomfortable about it. I feel sad about this.

Secondly, she won't dress up in anything I like her to. I don't get this, and I've stopped arguing about it because she can be a bit alpha-female at times. Anyway, if I said I thought some piece of clothing or lingerie is sexy, or a like a certain look or fashion, its like she seems to think I want to change *her* and pretend she's someone else. She hates that and so won't do it. I find her very attractive and I like what she *does* wear, but really, somethings turn me on and she won't go there.

Also, this isn't so important, but i wish she enjoyed porn. It doesn't have to be any kind of stupid 'guy' porn.... (fake lesbians) but I enjoy it form time to time (and she doesn't mind that) but I wish we could enjoy it together. I know lots of couples do (and lots that don't, of course).

In the more 'out there' categories... I never went to a strip joint, ever. In all the years I had the chance, I never had the urge to go. Honestly it never crossed my mind. But, these days, I do have the urge. Not sure why, I think I would just like to say 'been there, done that' but this is something that is totally off limits. she's made it clear, a long time ago, that going to a strip joint and/or getting a lap dance is cheating and my ass is grass if I do. I've always been committed to respecting her boundaries but i can't help feeling this is something i wish she'd let me do. It's not like I'd accept sexual favours or try and take one home with me...

Two things that really are out there and off limits - I'd love to try a threesome some time. She has said 'no way, not ever, don't dare even ask again'. She's not bi or anything, and doesn't see it as anything other than a form of cheating. I can see her point of view and respect it and never plan to bring it up ever again. But in my heart, it's something I want...

lastly, I'm bi-curious myself. Nothing very strong, probably could and will go my whole life and never mention it let alone do something... cheating is cheating, whoever it is with. But I wish I could at least tell her how I feel. But I know (because of something assholish I said a long time ago about how to dump a girl by pretending you're gay) that this would not go down at all well. Not worth the risk even of an argument. But if I was single...........

But there's other stuff. I want to have the option to go and live in other countries that I know she hates the idea about. I don't want to buy a house together and 'live here till we retire' - I have a friend in that situation too and I feel sorry for him. I'd go crazy living in the same place for another 30 years... She's not totally against moving, but... once we have kids, she wants to put down roots. And she doesn't like my idea of living in the country - my dream. She's a city girl through and through.

She hates my photography hobby. One day we went out on a date and apparently (according to her) I spent far more time taking photos than paying attention to her. Maybe I did, though I don't think so. but it made her so upset she could not even go back to that place again ever. And when we talked about going on holiday to someplace, I can't bring the camera. Photography is something I'm *good* at and if I go to some foreign, exotic place for a nice holiday with her, of course I want to bring my camera! But this is really something that irks her and I can't see a way to rebuild her trust on this issue.

Also, I'm at uni at the moment. When I graduate I am actually desirous of doing another degree. In another country, where I could combine both my need for a second degree, to travel, explore, and get another chance at being young again... This won't happen if we marry. We'll find jobs, we'll save up and sometime in 2 or 3 years buy a house. We *might* emigrate to Australia if we get the chance but honestly I think that's unlikely. So I kinda fear I'm stuck here in the UK forever. It's actually a rather depressing thought...

Lastly, the thing I really hate myself for, I can't stop wanting to be single so I'm free to live the single life I never lived before I met her. It's basically a selfish desire to hook up with other girls, live a self-centered life, travel the world and do a whole bunch of stuff that I can do by myself, but not with her. Mostly I feel this way when we're apart in our LDR and not when I'm with her. But she was my first gf and first lover, and I have to admit sometimes I really wish I'd had more experience of women - and myself therefore - before choosing to settle.

I dunno. I know guys get last minute jitters about marriage. Second thoughts are natural, they say. I guess so, but the closer marriage gets, the less like a wonderful relationship this seems and the more like I'm about to sign away the rest of my life to a woman who, as wonderful as she is, is still ultimately going to keep me from some of the things I wanted in life. And I'm not sure how important those things are.

I know what some people would say - don't marry before you're ready. Don't marry someone you don't really love totally or who isn't *perfect* for you. But i can't help loving this woman. She's changed me and made me a better man than I ever dreamed of being and been loyal to me when most women would have bailed a long time ago. We're deep and true friends. I just can't let go of my dreams... and I wish I could wake up from them and just be happy.

Well, sorry that's a long post. I'm a full keyboard touchtypist so it just kinda flows... :p I'm not sure what I'm looking for from yo guys but I did just want to put all my thoughts down on paper, so to speak. And if it turns out she actually does read this forum then oh man am I in for an interesting, and possibly very short, conversation!

Premium Member
3,707 Posts
think in your situation it might be to everyones benwfit if you break it off, but remember the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

You can be married, settled and happy but you have to want that security and to tell you the truth it sounds like you will always resent/blame her if you do no get/go after what you think you want.

Final advice is break it off as easy as you can, do what you what to do with your life but don't ever think she will take you back, because at this point it is better if she moves forward with her life too.

1 - 2 of 2 Posts
Not open for further replies.