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Hey guys,
I have been in a serious relationship for almost four years, we got together when he was 19 and I was 20, we lived together for 3 years now. Our relationship has had many ups and downs, but I always felt it was true love...until now.

Lately I have been emotionally "checked-out" more than I ever have before, I went through something similar about 8 months ago where I felt disconnected but than eventually I snapped out of it and things were good again.

As of late everything that my boyfriend does drives me crazy, even the way he talks and thinks, I feel grossed out and turned off when he touches or holds me, I catch myself fantasizing/dreaming of being with someone else (I know, it's horrible). My bf has angry issues and thinks the world is out to get him, he yells at people in public for smallest lil things that piss him off.

There is absolutely no romance in our relationship, I have tried over and over again to get him to start some sort of romance but he never really does anything. We have been one date maybe 3 times during our entire relationship. We used to light candles and try to do romantic things, but now there is none at all and I am tired of making any effort.

He pays me compliments, tells me I am beautiful all the time, holds and kisses me, but lately I just get turned off when he tries to get close to me physically, I have no desire to have sex but do it anyway because I don't want him to cheat on me.

The other night he said he would die without me, I know he "loves" me, but I don't know if it's true love or just possesivness. He doesn't help around the apartment, he is very messy and I feel like I am always doing his laundry/dishes and picking up after him, I feel like his mother sometimes, he can't ever remember anything I ask him do-except on very rare occasions. When I ask him to do anything there he always acts like it's the end of the world.

We used to fight a lot at one point but than stopped, instead now he just gets pissy and angry at things I say because he assumes it's always something bad even though it almost never is, he upset at the stupidest things, all the time; I am annoyed at it all, i don't know how much of it I can stand.

At the same time the though of losing him kills me, some part of me really loves him but I feel like I am losing my mind and myself more and more every day.

He has no drive to improve his life, he stuck at a job he hates, I have done everything I could to help him, I iron his clothes for him and wash them so they are ready for job hunting, I even created the most amazing resume for him. He is so unhappy with his job that it trickles down to our relationship, it's puts a strain on him he can't handle yet won't do anything about it. I am advancing in my career but he has no drive. I never expected to depend on his financially, I just wanted him to have a job he doesn't hate this much.

I feel like our love has become a possession, we don't want each other to be with anyone else but what we once had has changed, the passion has become ownership.

He is attractive guy and I always was attracted to him, but now I get turned off just looking at him, and at things he says and does. Yet a part of me wants to hold on and see if things change, but at the same time this has been going on for years, I don't know if it will ever change. I have asked him billions of times to help me around, to do romantic things, but he never makes any effort.

Even though he pays me compliments and hold/cuddles/kisses me, I don't feel special, he doesn't make me feel special at all, I feel like an object.

We used to have great sex life, I tried to bring fun new things, we did everything and anything but now even that has become vanilla sex, in 4 years we have been together he has only gone down on me about 2-3 times, and petted me maybe 15 times at most. I haven't had an orgasm with him since the second time we had sex (4 years ago), I get orgasms from my sex toy but that is about an exciting as it gets.

I never used to fight or get upset until I met him, I never yelled at anyone until I met him, and now it seems like a regular occurance.

Even after all of this, it breaks my heart thinking of ending our relationship, we really did have something really special, and we have a bond like best friends, we understand each other and feel the same way about of many issues/subjects. this is the part of our relationship I am afraid to lose.

This weekend was awful, I never felt more unattracted to him in my life, I couldn't even smile at him naturally, I was thinking about someone else, and was literally forcing myself to act normal so he wouldn't be able to tell something is really wrong, he could tell though, he tried to hold and cuddle me more, but I just felt more grossed out.

He also has really poor hygiene, he maybe showers 1-2 times a week, and his job is practically all exercise, he is either on his skateboard or bike doing deliveries. He hardly brushes his teeth so his breath always smells, it really gross to sometimes kiss him.

We kiss less, we are having less sex, it's all in downward spiral, sometimes I see him making an effort to like have more sex or cuddle me, but that is as good as it gets.

I am so conflicted, because I can tell he is draining all the passion out of me, yet there is that bond we have that makes me wants to cry when I think of losing it.

I love his family, they have been more of a family to me than my own, and losing them is going to really suck.

I feel like I have no friends left, my best friend is in another state and others moved away too, the only friends I have is our neighbors, our mutual friends. I don't know how it will be after we break up, if I choose to hang out with them he might be around, he is in a band with our neighbors and friends so he will definitely be around after we break up. I have absolutely no one to talk to.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this, make me sick and ill thinking of ending things and all I want to do is cry. I am so conflicted and so alone. I don't want to break his and my own heart but I just don't see a future for us.

Any advice, thoughts, personal experience would be helpful. My hearts knows I should end this but I don't know how.
 

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By all means end the relationship. Especially if you emotionally checked out and are repulsed by him.

When your in a long relationship/marriage, those "in love" feelings are not always there. They come and go which is completely normal. If you don't like what you see, then end it and move on. Getting married under these circumstances would be a very big mistake.

If your not 100% sure what your feelings are, take a trial separation. You are responsible for your own feelings though. He can't make you happy. You, yourself, are responsible for your own happiness.

Good luck.
 

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You are gone. You are not coming back. You need to leave him so he can get on with his life. You too.

And make sure he gets a copy of your original post. His world will be crushed. He will see what caused it to be crushed and fix it. Of that I have no doubt. Make something good come out of it for him. And for you, by helping someone you used to love find happiness.

It'll be hard. I don't envy you. Good luck.
 

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Print this out and hand it to him. Tell him it's up to him to come up with a plan. Otherwise your only option is to walk.

yeah, it sucks but do you want to spend the rest of your life with him in this situation?
 

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Well, there is a LOT going on in this post and unfortantely I have been there and done that.

Have you discussed with him the possibility that he may be depressed? He has a lot of the characteristics of someone who does but know that this is just my opinion; not a diaganosis. He has poor hygiene habits. He is cranky in public. He is not motivated to do much of anything -- work related or things at home.

Of course all these things can turn into resentment on your part and not respecting him as a person anymore. So of course that is not going to cause you to fawn all over him and desire being with him -- emotionally or physically.

I do think it's time for you to have a serious heart to heart with him. If he refuses to help himself he is essentially saying that he is refusing to make this relationship work and then it will be time to separate. You need to be happy and this guy is not doing it for you anymore. Can you really imagine another 4 years like this? I think not. I know it doesn't feel good to think of him with someone else but you know -- what exactly would they be getting? Someone who is pretty unhealthy. :(

And I hate when guys say they would "die" without you. Especially when it is said when things in the relationship are tense. I find it very manipulative.
 

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While it does sound like he's depressed possibly, I also think it sounds like the two of you have some major incompatibilities. If it was just one, I'd have a different response, but it sounds like you're sexually, emotionally, and financially incompatible.

You might my article on the 5 Pillars of compatibility helpful in gauging where your relationship is headed.
 

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I was in a somewhat similar place, once, at your age. We were together 6 years, and that was 3 years too long.

At the time, I kept reminding myself of how much we were in love at first and thought if we just kept trying, we'd work it out. That's why I stayed so long, and it really was too long.

It was one of the hardest decisions I made, but I eventually broke up with him and moved out. It proved to be the best decision.

It was hard at first, a little lonely. I repeatedly cycled through a lot of emotions. But, I gained so much energy just by leaving! I had no idea how much the relationship had drained me of energy and joy. It had really dragged me down. Once I left, my energy slowly started coming back and I started to feel so light and free! I was able to make new friends that had nothing to do with him, and I got involved in all kinds of things I was too depressed to try before. I explored my new neighborhood and found fun places to enjoy and things to do.

Don't let fear stand in the way of helping yourself. Don't let fear or holding onto memories of the past prevent you from living the kind of life you really want for yourself. Don't let your compassion for him prevent you from doing what is best for you.
 

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By all means end the relationship. Especially if you emotionally checked out and are repulsed by him.

When your in a long relationship/marriage, those "in love" feelings are not always there. They come and go which is completely normal. If you don't like what you see, then end it and move on. Getting married under these circumstances would be a very big mistake.

If your not 100% sure what your feelings are, take a trial separation. You are responsible for your own feelings though. He can't make you happy. You, yourself, are responsible for your own happiness.

Good luck.
THIS!

Marriage/long relationships require a lot of work. My belief is that "if you are not growing together, you are growing apart." They require a lot of work even if you go into it certain that this is your true love and nearly impossible if you have reservations. You are both very young. My suggestion is that you move on, enjoy your life and use that time to discover yourself and what you really want. You will eventually find the guy that is truly right for you, I have no doubt.

Become the person you want to be and you will attract the type of person you were meant to be with.
 
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