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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello, I'm new to this forum and I'm just hoping to get some advice.

I have been married for 7.5 years. I am 28 and my husband is 40. We have 2 little girls, 4 months and 2.5. I am a SAHM. I will just have to lay it out on the table no matter how bad it makes me look because I'm really hurting right now. I love my husband so much. He is a witty, charming fun loving man who just lights up the room when he comes in it. I think that I would best describe our relationshp as very steamy and passionate. Even through two pregnancies we have not fanned the flames one bit. Through both pregnancies he couldn't keep his hands off me. After giving birth and the 6 week wait, I was breast feeding and still not quite feeling sex. But I was determined to make sure to take care of my man, so I never refused him. Both times when I stop breast feeding it was like I was out of control. And that's where we stand in the bedroom

As for the other parts to our life, he an excellent provider. He is a good father who adores his girls. When he is home he helps around the house and with the kids. As for me, he knows I would do anything for him, and he takes full advantage of it. I think he is cheating on me because he has started staying out late,, not coming home from work and not calling. He will do things like knowing that he supposed to go to a family gathering with me, leave to go to the store or something and then just call back and say go on without him he will meet me there. Then he gets there when the event is half over and I"m sitting there embarassed. Or worse still, we will all go out somewhere and we will get there, one of his buddies comes by and leaves with his buddies and I have to get a ride home with one of my friends or family members. All pretty obvious, right? The only thing that doesn't follow is he will come home late like that and we will make love like we haven't done it in a month. It feels so good and so bad because I'm thinking how can you let him play you like this but then we are making sweet but passionate love and I can't help it. If I resist him at all he will just start touching all the right places until I just give in.

He has been doing this behavior since right around the time before our last baby was born. I kept asking him how he can do me like this when I'm pregnant and he will just try to sweet talk me and say how I know he loves me. He will not give me any straight answers. I am afraid to look for proof because then what would I do. I cannot imagine myself walking out on him. Lately, as he get more daring I am thinking he is going to be the one to walk out on me. I would be DEVASTATED. I don't know how I would pull myself together if he walk out on me. I feel like I'm in a dangerous place, like a fuse is going to go off at any time.

I tried to express all of this to him last night and he normally never gets angry at me, but last night he yelled at me and said he's getting pretty tired of me insinuating things about him that's not true. When he saw my reaction to him yelling he just pulled me in his arms and said how sorry he was. Then that's the end of the discussion because you know what happens next. I tried to bring it up again this morning that if he is not cheating then just explain his behavior lately. He said he has just been spending a little time away from home to just relax before he gets home and has to start helping me with the girls and with the housework. I hear crickets when I ask him if that has to take until 12 midnight.

I have been wanting to ask him right in the middle of making love if he has made love with someone else before coming home to me late at night. I think that would pour some cold water on him.

How can I get him to admit that he is cheating? I know that I am just hanging on to a thin shred of hope that I am wrong about him.Could someone please just go for the sucker punch and tell me there is no hope that he is not cheating on me. Please tell me what I already know so I can get knocked out and then try to start to put the pieces back together again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
What do I want to do? Ignore it and hope it goes away. But since it is escalating that will only lead to him leaving me, right?

What do I think I should do? Give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't meet it, then leave. Insist the only way we can stay together is counseling.

What do men usually do in these situations, just eventually leave, right? And then what? Never seek to reconcile? In 7.5 years, before he started this behavioir I don't ever think he had been cheating. Before the girls I was also working and we were always meeting after work, doing things together all the time, being around family and friends. I don't know why he started all of a sudden doing this.
 

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You need to find out the truth. You may be a risk of an STD or HIV. Please take this seriously.

Get access to his cell phone and see if he it texting or calling a particular number. If his cell is locked, go online and access call history/billing through your cell phone provider.

Get a VAR and hide it in his car.


Start keeping track of his alibis and excuses.


Place a key logger in his computer. Then access his Facebook and email accounts for communication.

Be strong!! You are weak and he knows this.

ETA: Was he married before you??
 

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I would start trying to get to the bottom of it by checking his phone records, his computer, etc. See if there are numbers that he calls/texts a lot; see if he's messaging on fb. Get started getting some clarity on what he is actually doing while he's away from home.

It will be much easier to know what to do if you know what you are dealing with.
 

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I'm sorry that you're going through this Cherish :-/. I'm not sure if you took time to read other cheating spouse threads but I'm afraid to say that the reality is everything he's doing screams that he is cheating on you.

I know that you love him very much and thus fear losing him but the problem won't go away like you wish so You're going to lose him/your marriage as you know it anyways. You face it, get evidence and if he comes clean and is truly remorseful you could forgive him and work hard on reconciliation. Or you bury your head in the sand, it escalates, he get's more invested in that relationship and who knows what could happen to yours? So what do you have to lose by facing this head on? It needs to be nipped in the bud. Furthermore you're at the risk of STD's (Don't for 1 minute think he would always practice safe sx). He sounds like a great man as you describe but people make choices that's entirely their fault. HE'S CHEATING. As soon as you realize- and accept all this, you can take a course of action.

Firstly, I think it's best that you stop accusing him and questioning him. Don't ask him for explanations etc while you gather your evidence. Everything that the above posters said- Facebook, email, cellphone records, VAR's. Your emotions make you weak before him and give you a strong inclination to listen to his lies and vague responses. He pushes all the right buttons and you end up in bed instead of really dealing with the issue. He has this power over you that he manipulates to his advantage. So you're going to need the rock solid evidence to prevent him from rug sweeping your concerns/his cheating.

Like you said you'd do anything for him and he knows this. He knows you'll lap up his lies, that you're blinded by love and by the sounds of it would take him back if it came down to that. That you're wholly dependent on him. He knows and thinks he doesn't have much to lose. So you're going to need to make him realize that he can and WILL lose YOU. That you're not gullible, easily manipulated and persuaded, readily willing to accept anything he throws your way. You have pride and self respect.

You sound like a good wife. Please realize that you're worthy of a man to respect you- not cheat on you, cause you embarrassment and put you at a risk of STD's. The sooner you realize this the less 'power' he'll have on you and the sooner he'll see that you're NOT weak to try and look the other way while he's out doing God knows what; that he doesn't "own" you (I mean it in a colloquial sense) but you're worth having a faithful man and thus he could lose You. You hold ALL the cards to how this will all be played out. You're going to have to be strong, stick to your guns and follow through with your words. But first, the evidence!

Hope that helps...

TQ
 

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always follow your gut feeling. 99% of the time its correct. i agree that you need to check phone records, email, facebook, anything that would leave a trail, someone suggested to me putting a voice recorder in his car (which i will be doing this week) find out as much as you can before you confront him again, then depending on what you find and what you want to do give him the option, 100% truth or pack your bags. you can take care of yourself and your babies on your own, when i got divorced i had a 3yr old, 17 months, and 2 month old, i took care of them by myself for 6 years. you can do it if you need to.
 

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Start digging. Don't confront him. Let him think all is fine and so he won't start being more careful. Where does he go after work? Can you get a friend or family member to follow him? Whatever you do, when you find stuff, don't confront until you have concrete proof, and DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES. If he knows how you find things out he will know how to get around it.
 
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks everyone for your advice. It helps just to be able to communicate with someone about this but it hurts too that I will have to go down this road. In my head I know what I need to do and know I have to face this but in my heart it just hurts so much. I can't even figure out why he is doing this. I have work so hard to get back in shape and stay in shape after having my babies. Before all this stuff started happening I never nagged him about anything. I always just wanted him to be happy to be at home and he seemed like he was. There was just nothing leading up to this so I was truly blindsided.

Anyway, I may have played into his hands as far as checking his face book, emails etc. Our desktop was running so slow that I couldn't get our family photo Christmas card done. So he completely wiped the desktop and has only loaded what I need to make the card back on it. He has started using his work laptop at home more and more probably because he is cheating. He has that work laptop on lockdown because he is a IT Manager for a government agency and he has a top security clearance. I'm afraid to mess with that because it might get him in trouble at work (not that I would know what I'm doing anyway).

I do have the password for his personal cell so I will check that and check our bill. But he also has a blackberry for work which again he use to hate having to deal with at home but now he is on it all the time instead of his Iphone. Like he will be watching a football game and on twitter a lot and he's using that outdated blackberry instead of the Iphone for Twitter??? Please!

Oh to answer the question,he had not been married before and he does not have any other children. We have known each other since I was 18 and took a computer class at the community college I was attending and he taught the class. We were just flirting and friendly for about a year and when he left that job he asked for my number and the rest is history. He was around 30 or 31 so he had been around the block a couple of times if you know what I mean.

Why do men all of a sudden do this? I mean I could see if that was the way he was all the time and his lifestyle but it wasn't. How can he look his little girls in the face and know how he has disrespect their mother? How would he like it if someone treated his girls like that? I have not talked to anyone in either of our family about this. It's like the elephant in the room and I'm sure everybody is talking about me behind my back.
 

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THIS cant be said enough. If you confront TOO soon, you'll blow your chances at ever getting to the bottom of this and hopefully putting the brakes on. BUT with that said, dont just sit idle once you have the info and get all locked up in paralysis of analysis.

Start thinking with your head and not your heart. There will be time to think with your heart later if he stops cheating. Your HEAD is the key to this.

Get some money put aside quickly and secretly. Have a plan for what youre going to do when you have the evidence you need. DO as the others have said VAR in his car. Cheaters feel safe in the car and thats when they talk to AP. Check his cell records. Do you have access to the bill detail? Can you check his email? If you cant then get a keylogger.

Dont sit and wait for this to get better on its own- IT WONT.
 

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With regards to his phone and his work lap top...I think if you don't come up with anything without these, that all the evidence, if there is any, will be on these and nowhere else, then what you need to do is sit him down and demand that he shows you. That you are given the blackberry and browse through it thoroughly, and then the lap top too. If he refuses then you have your answer right there. If he says you cannot look at the lap top due to work privacy, don't let him get away with that. All you want to do is look. You are not a rival or a spy and won't be selling the govt's secrets. If his marriage is important to him, if you are important to him, he will prove to you he is innocent. If he does not prove it to you, you know he is NOT innocent.

If and when you do look, make sure you look through EVERYTHING. Leave no stone unturned. Look in all secret apps and files. Search and look anywhere that may not look suspicious. Check and verify all phone numbers. Check against phone records.
 

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Thanks everyone for your advice. It helps just to be able to communicate with someone about this but it hurts too that I will have to go down this road. In my head I know what I need to do and know I have to face this but in my heart it just hurts so much. I can't even figure out why he is doing this. I have work so hard to get back in shape and stay in shape after having my babies. Before all this stuff started happening I never nagged him about anything. I always just wanted him to be happy to be at home and he seemed like he was. There was just nothing leading up to this so I was truly blindsided.

Anyway, I may have played into his hands as far as checking his face book, emails etc. Our desktop was running so slow that I couldn't get our family photo Christmas card done. So he completely wiped the desktop and has only loaded what I need to make the card back on it. He has started using his work laptop at home more and more probably because he is cheating. He has that work laptop on lockdown because he is a IT Manager for a government agency and he has a top security clearance. I'm afraid to mess with that because it might get him in trouble at work (not that I would know what I'm doing anyway).

I do have the password for his personal cell so I will check that and check our bill. But he also has a blackberry for work which again he use to hate having to deal with at home but now he is on it all the time instead of his Iphone. Like he will be watching a football game and on twitter a lot and he's using that outdated blackberry instead of the Iphone for Twitter??? Please!

Oh to answer the question,he had not been married before and he does not have any other children. We have known each other since I was 18 and took a computer class at the community college I was attending and he taught the class. We were just flirting and friendly for about a year and when he left that job he asked for my number and the rest is history. He was around 30 or 31 so he had been around the block a couple of times if you know what I mean.

Why do men all of a sudden do this? I mean I could see if that was the way he was all the time and his lifestyle but it wasn't. How can he look his little girls in the face and know how he has disrespect their mother? How would he like it if someone treated his girls like that? I have not talked to anyone in either of our family about this. It's like the elephant in the room and I'm sure everybody is talking about me behind my back.
WAIT! You were 18 and he was 30?????? And he gave you even a minute of his time?????Good grief.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
"WAIT! You were 18 and he was 30?????? And he gave you even a minute of his time?????Good grief."

Yes, as I said in my initial post, I am 28 and he is 40, and we have been married almost 8 years. We started dating when I was 19. And got married a little over a year later.

I have read that long piece about CWI. It was very helpful. I'm still not sure what a keylogger is, but I don't dare put that on his work laptop. Our cellphone account has a password on it that I can't think of, and when I try to reset it, it is going to an email address other than the ones that I know of. He must be sending it to an email address that I don't know anything about. I guess there's my first piece of evidence right there. Should I say anything about this to him, like I"m trying to get a number from the bill or something?

There is absolutely nothing on the desktop at home but the card software that I asked for. He didn't even set up the outlook email. I don't know how he is going to deal with his Iphone because he didn't even put Itunes on there. I'm thinking he's not going to use it anymore. So where do I go from here? I guess I will have to confront by demanding to see his laptop and blackberry?

I will have to think about how I can put aside some money without him knowing. We have joint accounts but he is the only one working. We both monitor the account closely on line just to make sure we don't overdraw or anything, since we both use ATM card for just about everything. He doesn't really question what I spend because we have a budget and generally stick to it. I don't have any account that he is not on.

Maybe I can get a part-time job. My Mom has said she would keep my girls if I want to go back to work but she wants the youngest to be walking first, and that's probably not for another 6 to 8 months.
 

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I'll lay you money, he's chasing a young girl again....

I have a 23 yr old son and even HE wont date an 18 yr old bc shes "too young" in his own words. 23 and 18 is too young....
Your H was a 30 yr old man and Had NO business messing with an 18 yr old girl!. I have a 19 yr old daughter and if she brought home a 30 yr old man, my H would shoot him!
That's why I sympathize with her more. Her story resonates with me. Everything- how great he is, the steamy passionate romance etc. You bet his chasing someone younger, it's probably his MO. Speaking from personal experience, being so young and naive then having an older 'worldy' man who's been around the block and knows what to say, do and press the right buttons to push to seduce you really makes you weak and hard to say no/ argue with him. For him it's an ego trip that he still 'has it' and can get a younger girl to fall for him. The girl doesn't see it as seduction, for her it's love. And she falls hard for it.

In our naivety it's so much easier to be lied to and manipulated and harder to say no. The partner nabs you, engulfs you in the relationship and you grow and mature, subjectively, in it. They shape and influence your maturity. It's different when you're closer to age and you mature and learn together or you get with an older man when you're older and already quiet mature. Your eyes aren't really opened to the real world when you're that young. Until something like this happens and you can mature/'come into your own' outside of him influencing how you perceive and understand things.

It took me a long time realize he wasn't all he portrayed to be and that, honestly, I was weak in front of him. I couldn't refuse him, I succumbed to his seduction despite him disrespecting and mistreating him through his behavior as he was betraying me. He knew I loved him, would die for him and selfishly used this to his advantage.

I started losing respect for myself and my self-esteem. I have to credit my family for helping realize I'm a good women, a great one, I didn't deserve it. That I'm worth more than I was putting up with. That any good man would want me and treat me better. And when I finally realized that, oh boy was a force to be reckoned with! He changed his tune, attitude and actions so fast. He knew I was awesome and finally realized darn right I am and that I could leave him. He sensed that confidence, independence, my firm resolve and refusal and came begging.
I was finally able to mature in my own way and now I can tell when I'm being lied to and manipulated. I can sniff them out real quick. My eyes are wide open now. Boy was I ever naive.

All the questions OP asks, why would he do this to me, to the children? why would he cause so much pain and hurt when he has everything, we give them our all like we've never anyone else. Why why why? It eats away at you, frustrates you, makes you think maybe it's your fault, that there's something wrong with you etc. Answer is, though you're weak before him that's not the cause, it's got nothing to do with you, the decision to cheat and hurt you is all HIS fault, his doing and that it's pure unadulterated selfishness and egoism.
 

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That's why I sympathize with her more. Her story resonates with me. Everything- how great he is, the steamy passionate romance etc. You bet his chasing someone younger, it's probably his MO. Speaking from personal experience, being so young and naive then having an older 'worldy' man who's been around the block and knows what to say, do and press the right buttons to push to seduce you really makes you weak and hard to say no/ argue with him. For him it's an ego trip that he still 'has it' and can get a younger girl to fall for him. The girl doesn't see it as seduction, for her it's love. And she falls hard for it.

In our naivety it's so much easier to be lied to and manipulated and harder to say no. The partner nabs you, engulfs you in the relationship and you grow and mature, subjectively, in it. They shape and influence your maturity. It's different when you're closer to age and you mature and learn together or you get with an older man when you're older and already quiet mature. Your eyes aren't really opened to the real world until something like this happens and you can mature outside of him influencing how you perceive and understand things.

It took me a long time realize he wasn't all he portrayed to be and that, honestly, I was weak in front of him. I couldn't refuse him, I succumbed to his seduction despite him disrespecting and mistreating him through his behavior as he was betraying me. He knew I loved him, would die for him and selfishly used this to his advantage.

I started losing respect for myself and my self-esteem. I have to credit my family for helping realize I'm a good women, a great one, I didn't deserve it. That I'm worth more than I was putting up with. That any good man would want me and treat me better. And when I finally realized that, oh boy was a force to be reckoned with! He changed his tune, attitude and actions so fast. He knew I was awesome and finally realized darn right I am and that I could leave him. He sensed that confidence, independence, my firm resolve and refusal and came begging.
I was finally able to mature in my own way and now I can tell when I'm being lied to and manipulated. I can sniff them out real quick. My eyes are wide open now. Bot was I ever naive.

All the questions OP asks, why would he do this to me, to the children? why would he cause so much pain and hurt when he has everything, we give them our all like we've never anyone else. Why why why? It eats away at you, frustrates you, makes you think maybe it's your fault, that there's something wrong with you etc. Answer is, though you're weak before him that's not the cause, it's got nothing to do with you, the decision to cheat and hurt you is all HIS fault, his doing and that it's pure unadulterated selfishness and egoism.[/QUOTE]


Youre preaching to the choir here sister!;)
THAT is why I am being So direct. I think she needs to be told directly, for once, the truth. He is a guy who picks younger girls so he can manipulate and use them. He's likely not man enough to attract a mature woman. I was pointing out a character flaw that goes back for as long as she's known him. He is attracted to women half his age and most like is acting on it. A mature 30 yr old MAN would NOT show his attentions to an 18 yr old girl.

I understand the pain of being betrayed all too well. Believe me, I get how she feels. But being afraid to find out is only hurting her. Its to his benefit for her to remain "afraid to find out"
 

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Youre preaching to the choir here sister!;)
THAT is why I am being So direct. I think she needs to be told directly, for once, the truth. He is a guy who picks younger girls so he can manipulate and use them. He's likely not man enough to attract a mature woman. I was pointing out a character flaw that goes back for as long as she's known him. He is attracted to women half his age and most like is acting on it. A mature 30 yr old MAN would NOT show his attentions to an 18 yr old girl.

I understand the pain of being betrayed all too well. Believe me, I get how she feels. But being afraid to find out is only hurting her. Its to his benefit for her to remain "afraid to find out"
Spot on!!! THIS is the exact reason they do that. Young girls are way more malleable, certainly 18/19 year olds. My Ex definitely wasn't man enough nor mature enough to attract a mature women. At that young age you can't 'see' the flaws staring at you in the face and don't think to ask all the right questions a mature women would ask at the commencement of a relationship.

When she starts seeing him in an unbiased (by his seduction and manipulation) light, she'll see for herself his lack of maturity and traits that constitutes a real man and maybe have strength to stand up for herself, her self-respect and dignity.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Queen, your story does truly seem to be mine. So to hear how it unfolded for you just has me numb. I feel totally trashy during sex that I am responding to him like I am knowing how he has treated me, but I do it anyway. I almost feel like a *****. I tried to tell him all this but he wants to tell me I am not a ***** I am his wife, why should I feel like this? Right now I just feel tired. I really want to pack up my girls and go. I don't even want to face him again. I know you are right about the manipulation part, but his girlfriends before me were all a lot older than me, according to his family. I am the youngest he ever was in a relationship with and they were all against us getting married because of it. So were my parents but I was of age so it was nothing they could do. Can you believe after my oldest was born they apologized to him and said how wrong they were and what a good father and husband he was?

Thank goodness I have my girls because I will have to get myself together for their sake. I will have to face life as a single Mom. Right now the pain is immense and will probably get worse before it gets better. I guess since now I have accepted his cheating -- how could it be anything else -- I really hope and pray that he does not want reconciling. That would be even more painful living through that process.
 

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Queen, your story does truly seem to be mine. So to hear how it unfolded for you just has me numb. I feel totally trashy during sex that I am responding to him like I am knowing how he has treated me, but I do it anyway. I almost feel like a *****. I tried to tell him all this but he wants to tell me I am not a ***** I am his wife, why should I feel like this? Right now I just feel tired. I really want to pack up my girls and go. I don't even want to face him again. I know you are right about the manipulation part, but his girlfriends before me were all a lot older than me, according to his family. I am the youngest he ever was in a relationship with and they were all against us getting married because of it. So were my parents but I was of age so it was nothing they could do. Can you believe after my oldest was born they apologized to him and said how wrong they were and what a good father and husband he was?

Thank goodness I have my girls because I will have to get myself together for their sake. I will have to face life as a single Mom. Right now the pain is immense and will probably get worse before it gets better. I guess since now I have accepted his cheating -- how could it be anything else -- I really hope and pray that he does not want reconciling. That would be even more painful living through that process.
This is not about what he wants. He gave up the right to anything when he cheated. You do not have to reconcile. You have to do what is right for you. If you are happy, your girls will be too.
 
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