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Discussion Starter #1
This week was anniversary of DD#1 last year..so I have been reflecting quite alot lately.

I started to think about stuff I said at that time, that I so regret.

For example, I remember telling WS that I was going to go to counselling in order to fix my issues so I could be a better wife...frick, I look back and think what was I thinking when I said that. I just cringe thinking about that...I guess though in my defense I was so taken aback and emotionally a mess when I discovered his EA.
 

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I think that's going to be very common highwood. So many of us follow scripts that we have no idea exists. It all feels like our situation is unique but rarely is that that unique.

There are so many warning signs and really some pretty easy safe guard to prevent EA/PA and to stop them once they've started but we don't know what we don't know.

If only books like His Needs/Her Needs as well as concepts like 180 were mandatory reading before marriage.

My DD was over twenty years ago and it's not so much what brought me to TAM but I do remember handling things very badly. First off was confrontation right off the bat, then self blame, then insecure behavior. I see new posters coming on here in the exact same place but they won't accept what's right in front of their faces (maybe I wouldn't have either) even though many could save their marriages if they did the hard stuff like 180 and listened to posters on here. Instead they scream at these jaded TAMERS not even acknowledging we are trying to help.
 

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I think that's going to be very common highwood. So many of us follow scripts that we have no idea exists. It all feels like our situation is unique but rarely is that that unique.

There are so many warning signs and really some pretty easy safe guard to prevent EA/PA and to stop them once they've started but we don't know what we don't know.

If only books like His Needs/Her Needs as well as concepts like 180 were mandatory reading before marriage.

My DD was over twenty years ago and it's not so much what brought me to TAM but I do remember handling things very badly. First off was confrontation right off the bat, then self blame, then insecure behavior. I see new posters coming on here in the exact same place but they won't accept what's right in front of their faces (maybe I wouldn't have either) even though many could save their marriages if they did the hard stuff like 180 and listened to posters on here. Instead they scream at these jaded TAMERS not even acknowledging we are trying to help.
Excellent point, Thundarr.
 

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I would not have confronted when I found the emails. I would have done the keylogger/VAR stuff and found out exactly what he was up to and what he actually did. I stupidly gave him time to clean out his emails, cancel accounts and stuff, and I never did get a chance to look at his phone.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Yes, it is kind of sad when I look back and think about how much of the blame I shouldered..yes we had our issues and I was not the best wife at times however that gave him no right to boost his ego by getting attention from someone else. As well as lying/sneaking around/texting/emailing behind my back.

I never once did anything like that...yes I was at times attracted to other guys thru work but I never once took it to the point of anything but just friendly everyday chit chat with a coworker. I did not start privately emailing/texting/phoning them, etc. I would have felt way too guilty to do anything like that.

I wish I knew about this site back then.
 

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This week was anniversary of DD#1 last year..so I have been reflecting quite alot lately.

I started to think about stuff I said at that time, that I so regret.

For example, I remember telling WS that I was going to go to counselling in order to fix my issues so I could be a better wife...frick, I look back and think what was I thinking when I said that. I just cringe thinking about that...I guess though in my defense I was so taken aback and emotionally a mess when I discovered his EA.
I did similar things, and I too now cringe.
 

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Yes, it is kind of sad when I look back and think about how much of the blame I shouldered..

I wish I knew about this site back then.
I'm gutted about that not knowing about this site. If I had found this place 7 years ago I'd have had 7 years in a very different life to what I have had that's for sure

Maybe if I could find out where that damn Tardis is!
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I would not have confronted when I found the emails. I would have done the keylogger/VAR stuff and found out exactly what he was up to and what he actually did. I stupidly gave him time to clean out his emails, cancel accounts and stuff, and I never did get a chance to look at his phone.
I know..you could just kick your own butt for allowing them time to clean up stuff. When I discovered his cheap laptop back in April that he kept hidden in his truck..I wish I had taken it from him and hacked into it..instead I let him destroy it in front of me. It was password protected..I should have kept it and figured out a way to override that.
 

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Like Hope, I wish I had done more snooping before I confronted him about his EA.

I probably would have found at least some clues about the sexting relationship he had with a co-worker and the ONS (followed by a few months of calls/texts/emails) with the woman he picked up in a bar one of his trips. Finding out about two additional OW this week, after two years of somewhat rocky (false, as I now know) R, has been something of a blow. :(
 

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I wish I knew about TAM before I confronted my wife. I did not expose at first and it cost me. She was hooked on the A drug and kept up the texting and photos and sh#t.

I should have exposed on the spot, and showed her the door. R would have been quicker. 6 months of me being stupid before I started down the right path
 

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Discussion Starter #14
...and for me it didn't help too that my sister as helpful as she thought she was being for me at the time..made me feel like I had to shape up as well. She would tell me yes I remember a few times you sounded *****y when you were talking to him, etc. etc. So from the blame I was putting on myself as well as certain things I was hearing from her......

It is sad...I feel sad for myself that I took alot of the blame. Never again..... what hurts to is as I was saying all this stuff to him about fixing myself he was continuing his online crap with her....now I have reversed it and have told him he is ****ed up and should look at IC to fix his issues.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I think too part of it was this desperate sense of trying to hang on to the marriage...the shock/sadness/anger..it was so hard. I often think it was the hardest thing emotionally I have ever gone thru to date.

You feel so desperate to hang on to your WS plus this fear of the marriage being over...I remember this terrible out of control feeling that the fate of our marriage was in his hands. Was he going to stay and work on it or was he going to leave....

Disgusting...
 

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Absolutely nothing. He told me of his A about 20 minutes before our guests all arrived for the Halloween party we were hosting. He told me, so I threw him a suitcase and told him to pack up, he can go live with the OW. Don't regret it a bit.
The discussion the next day, about how he thought I would "fight for him" was answered with a laugh of disbelief and a statement of "fight for a guy that cheats on me? No thank you."
Still don't regret it. Was I upset? Sure, of course. After three years of his sh**, I had just HAD it at that point.
 

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...and for me it didn't help too that my sister as helpful as she thought she was being for me at the time..made me feel like I had to shape up as well. She would tell me yes I remember a few times you sounded *****y when you were talking to him, etc. etc. So from the blame I was putting on myself as well as certain things I was hearing from her......

It is sad...I feel sad for myself that I took alot of the blame. Never again..... what hurts to is as I was saying all this stuff to him about fixing myself he was continuing his online crap with her....now I have reversed it and have told him he is ****ed up and should look at IC to fix his issues.
I think I was in shock because I thought we had a typical marriage with the typical ups and downs, but both of us were happy enough to try to resolve things in a fair fashion.

I wish I had done what Dawn did, not to reconcile, though, but simply to move divorce forward more quickly rather than waste time on a False R.

The very first counselor we want to mentioned that he thought my spouse needed serious IC.

He did not suggest IC for me, just the marriage counseling in which he was trying to help me cope with my grief at the loss of the person I thought I knew my spouse to be.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
The first consellor we went to after DD#1 I went one time to see her by myself and she asked me where his EA was from..whether she was local to Singapore or from somewhere else and I said she was Filipino...wow she said there are some beautiful filipino girls.

....and that helps me how dear counsellor?:(

I guess my point is sometimes it is not so much what you tell yourself around that time but what others say to you as well.
 

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I'm gutted about that not knowing about this site. If I had found this place 7 years ago I'd have had 7 years in a very different life to what I have had that's for sure

Maybe if I could find out where that damn Tardis is!
Oh my gosh, I am so thankful I did NOT find this site back then. I might have worked things out with that mean arse woman.

I either learned a lot from it or just got lucky picking a better woman the second time around. Probably a little of both.
 

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The first consellor we went to after DD#1 I went one time to see her by myself and she asked me where his EA was from..whether she was local to Singapore or from somewhere else and I said she was Filipino...wow she said there are some beautiful filipino girls.

....and that helps me how dear counsellor?:(

I guess my point is sometimes it is not so much what you tell yourself around that time but what others say to you as well.
Sorry, your counselor sounds like an Arse.

What an insensitive, ignorant comment.
 
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