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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
As time goes by I realize I have less interest in engaging in discussion about infidelity. At one time in the process I was digesting unbelieveable amounts of information and doing absurd amounts of research trying desprately to understand all that was happening around me...

As I try to move on with my life it seems I have some unwanted wisdom that that I would like to put on paper and get it out of my system.. At one point i considered a blog, or book... But i likely will never do that and i'd to turn the page and let go of some of this...

So for what it's worth... This is some of what I've learned, If it helps someone that stumbles in here like I did years ago... Maybe all this wasn't in vein... I will likely edit this and add as I have time...


Things I've Learned

On having a plan...

If you want to be successful in your attempt to end your spouse’s affair and give yourself the option of reconciling your marriage, first and foremost you need a plan. When you are committed to a process you will project a high level of confidence. The confidence factor is critical. In a time when your life and world seem to have been shattered at your feet, this is one of the most challenging tests you will endure. “Fake it until you make it”. You need confidence in your strength, confidence in your self worth; and confidence that you have a plan. If you want maximize your chance of success, create a strategy where you have clearly specified what actions need to be taken to execute your plan.

Here are a few pointers that will help you be more successful:

1. Self-awareness.

As mentioned above, projecting high degree of self-confidence and self worth is crucial in the process– but it needs to be tempered internally with self-awareness. You are not perfect, and should be accountable for your share of the problems within your marriage. Acknowledge your mistakes, but at no time should you take ANY responsibility for your spouse’s choice to step outside the marriage.

2. Situational-awareness.

Throughout this process you will hear the term “fog” when referring to your disloyal spouse’s mental and emotional state during and shortly after the discovery of the affair. It’s important that you recognize that you are also emotionally compromised. You’re in your own “smog”. Your behaviors and your decision making are emotionally driven. Your higher brain functions like logic and reason are in the back seat right now. Like your spouse’s fog, yours too will eventually fade. When you both look back, you want your disloyal spouse to be the only one saying “WTF was I thinking?!?!”.

3. Do what you think is right, not easy.

You must lead. Make decisions, and take action. This is critical. Take the time to quietly gather a reasonable amount of evidence, data, and suggestions. Gather your support group, surround yourself with the people you trust and that care about you and support your cause. Follow your gut, not your heart. Always do what you think is right, although that will never be what is easy.

4. Make fewer decisions.

Remember, you are emotionally compromised. You will be overwhelmed with day to day decisions. Be wary of information overload. Throughout this process your wayward spouse’s behaviors and interactions styles will change on a dime. You will be most effective if you disengage from, and do not attempt to read into them. Do not engage or make lots of decisions - rather concentrate on making a few important ones. Make the big strategic decisions, rather than trying to solve lots of little problems. Running around playing the hero and trying to put out every fire is ineffective. Slow down, and make better decisions. Deal with the underlying issues; focus on decisions that will have the biggest long term impact. Remember this . . . The less you manage, the better you lead.

5. Make a decision and commit.

Act or do not act – There is no middle ground here. In this process, indecision is a decision, there is no halfway. Some confusion and uncertainty is normal. But, you can not afford to sit on the fence for long. You either lead or you’re led. If you’re leading and you have to change course, then turn the wheel and change course. If you’re not driving, the course will be determined for you. You are along for the ride either way.

6. Execution is the #1 challenge.

The hardest part of any decision is not making it, it is executing it. Until you have turned your decision into a plan and written down specific action steps for the execution of each task - it is not a decision or a plan, it is just wishful thinking.

7. Man up / Woman up.

We are all afraid, - that is part of being human. If you are going to lead your family through these tough times, you will need to dig deep and be courageous. “Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway.” ~Dr. Robert Anthony

To be continued.......
 

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I've received so much guidance from you and others on TAM, for which I'm extremely grateful.

In the immediate aftermath of Dday, I was a scattered mess. When I found this forum a couple of months later, the advice was counterintuitive, but deep down I knew it was right.

It enabled me to get control of my life, to as you say, to get a plan and execute it. To dig down and summon the courage to face this. I had my regressions, but never lost sight of the prize: healing myself.

Thanks for the above post.
 

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Pit,

Continue to post.
Don't leave this forum.

I learnt about self confidence in a much harder way. My spouse now acknowledges that!

Continue.......please
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Pit,

Continue to post.
Don't leave this forum.

Continue.......please
Thanks for the appreciation. I do intend on purging some of these thoughts and sharing them for what they are worth. I get motivated in small spurts now. I intended (intend) to randomly share my thoughts. I have collected pages and pages and pages of my thoughts over time.

For what is likely an unhealthy amount of time, I was invested in understanding and hoped to write these things down in a coherent useful format one day. But, there is a price to staying invested in these thoughts, a price Im not motivated to pay anymore.

I figured if I started this it would motivate me to finish... So I just forced myself to start...

As soon as I get another jolt of motivation, I will add.

Thanks again.
 

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Great post, Pit. Execution is #1. As my pastor told me, Mac, you have to D your WS, then you have to follow through with it (he knows I have a tendancy not to follow through). After all I have been through I am still struggling with the thought of D (as you mentioned "being afraid"). But tomorrow I meet with the attorney. It is the steps we take and the actions we achieve that give us the strength to continue with our plan.
 

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Thanks for the appreciation. I do intend on purging some of these thoughts and sharing them for what they are worth. I get motivated in small spurts now. I intended (intend) to randomly share my thoughts. I have collected pages and pages and pages of my thoughts over time.

For what is likely an unhealthy amount of time, I was invested in understanding and hoped to write these things down in a coherent useful format one day. But, there is a price to staying invested in these thoughts, a price Im not motivated to pay anymore.

I figured if I started this it would motivate me to finish... So I just forced myself to start...

As soon as I get another jolt of motivation, I will add.

Thanks again.
That point right there, Pit...that's where I sometimes worry about continuing to post and think about stuff here on the forum. You have a lot of good commentary you've shared with others. Sometimes a 2x4 or 6x6, however I don't think I've ever seen you say something demeaning or condescending and that's what people need when they come here.

People like you.
 

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That point right there, Pit...that's where I sometimes worry about continuing to post and think about stuff here on the forum. You have a lot of good commentary you've shared with others. Sometimes a 2x4 or 6x6, however I don't think I've ever seen you say something demeaning or condescending and that's what people need when they come here.

People like you.
yeah, same here. But it's like reading a crime novel here and people post a story and then others help to fill in the blanks. and also how to go about finding the truth or the closest thing to it.

I don't worry about becoming cynical. I feel as if I have been too trusting most of my life anyway And I think people behave better when they know that they can't screw you around as much as the next one.

and also, I think when you have more realistic expectations of other people (sometimes that has to mean lower expectations), you don't get as disappointed as otherwise. Being disappointed can be equally unattractive.

but yeah, maybe I do spend too much time here in comparison with other things I need to get done.

I'm hoping that my interest here will naturally taper off.
 

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I didnt read any of this, just so you know but as soon as I read the title I wanted to say what I have learned from Pit of my Stomach...

Ive learned to always answer the question in the subject line before I even open the thread and read it.

I have been ruined!!
 

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Pit,

There is a lot of concern and understanding in this piece of thread of yours. Some months back, your postings were so dramatic and surprising. I now see that you are evolving to a higher levels.

Your thoughts are now direct and simple.


Keep it up. Try to help those suffering.......
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
CONTINUED.....

8. It’s not different.

It is called the “cheaters script”. Your wayward spouse is not a unique snowflake. What is happening in them, and all of the behaviors that will follow are highly predictable. Infidelity, adultery and affairs pre-date written history, they are biologically hardwired and really haven’t changed much in thousands of years. Your cheating spouse’s behaviors will follow the script.

Unfortuneately, betrayed spouses often follow along on a script of their own. It won't be different for you so be prepared to to fight your own instincts, and act counterintuitively if you want to succeed.

9. You have nothing to lose.

Your Marriage is over. The sooner you come to grips with this fact, the sooner you can begin to move forward. The person you thought you knew, the person you were, and the marriage you had are dead. Nothing will ever be the same. The marriage you’re scared of losing, it’s already gone.

10. You will fail sometimes.

Accept the fact that you are going to fail on occasion, you will slip. When you have a plan, you simply go back to the plan. Your goal is to limit the back slides and keep moving forward.


To be continued....
 

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Most of us, when we come to this place, we have been thrown for a loop. Cold clocked. And then we spend a lot of time scrambling around on the floor trying to find our glasses and whatever else has been knocked loose and trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. You and I have not intereacted, but I recognized that you were the guy standing there a bit out of the way saying pick up your f*cking glasses and wipe that snot off your nose.
 

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I don't want to threadjack but I wanted to add, there is no shame on going on an anti-depressant temporarily if the situation calls for it. I'm now approaching month seven post D-Day and wow, the difference between how I felt in January and how I feel now since taking one is night and day. I am still hurt but the sun is shining again and I am so much more confident, optimistic, rational and productive since going on a med. Before that I was a sometimes weepy, most of the time obsessive automaton. Now I have my social life back and am so much better for my kids, happier and think of WS a lot less.

I also can't stress the importance of getting out there. Go outside, talk to your friends, meet new people, smile at folks, grab a coffee etc. Don't isolate yourself like I did. I'm not sure which has helped me more, a low-dose anti-depressant or forcing myself to get out of my house and live my life? Either way, it helps.

As much as I love it here and will always lurk/post. Sometimes you need to get off this site and do something else not related to infidelity. For me at least, I've lost myself for hours, days, weeks reading non-stop about infidelity on here and sites like it and as much as it helps me to learn, vent etc., that's a lot of time spent dwelling.
 
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