Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am a married man in need of experiences people here have had similar and can share with me about my situation.

I've been married for 5+ years now and my wife recently asked me to leave the home to give her space. I agreed to it after a talk together and moved back into my parents home. The time lapse has been a week only.

Our marriage has slowly deceased in alot of areas throughout the years. Honeymoon stage came and gone, and we had our child withing the first year of our marriage, but not without difficulties. Our baby came out VERY premature and my wife;s body went through drastic trauma during the pregnancy. Her libido and sexual drive were completely diminished after the pregnancy. I had resented her in this area for a very long time now. She feels equally as bad and we've talked about it many times over. She said she even wishes she could have her sex drive back so we could make love. It's a very even feeling between one another concerning it. We both walked around it though not consulting with a Gyno/Sex Doc for help. It was only helped during the first years by her being inhibited with alcohol to kinda "get the juices" flowing. But now that doesn't even help.
This in turn has turned me against her in way of ignoring her through time, and not tending to the fields of marriage. She didn't want me that way so we built substitutions for happiness by having friends and family around the household often to keep our minds off the subject. She didn't want me intimately so I gave up trying to do the "little" things for her. I began to neglect spending alone time with my wife beacause in my mind why should I spend time when it's not going to lead to anything in the bedroom. Very wrong on my part. Appreciation for one another did go south. We do love one another but "making love" is a very important part of marriage, and we know this. My neglect for my wife in turn began neglect for my family. I started to not take or spend the right time with our daughter. Overall we both started finding other things to fill the void of "time spent" with other things in life. She goes to college for dance and is apart of a production. It may only be twice a week but there is more tied into it when you have after school events with the dance crew too. I have been all for it since she has been apart of this before we met. I've never been against it.
There is more involed to this but I'm just placing the gist of it out there.

The day she said she needed time and I moved myself out not knowing how long she was going to need there were a few things said;
" The more we talk about it just hurts more"
"I feel like the more your around the more it will push me away from you",
"I do not want to not love you, but from past experience when I lose love for someone that's it."
" I am unhappy"
"I cannot reach the career with the life we live now because I need to be here for our daughter".
I fully understand the ways she feels and want her happiness more than anything, not only for her but for us!

Was it right for me to leave? Should I go back and talk to her more, feeling that I'm overcrowding her, but trying to work on this?
If you have been in this situation before please tell me about your experience. I know that after all the advice and opinions in the world, her and I can only fix this together. I am open for constructive criticism.
We have both agreed and want marriage counseling. We do have an appointment for "Retrovaille" for a weekend with them then follow ups.
Thank you guys.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,186 Posts
Welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this. My H and I have gone through something similar. It has taken several years for us to start really working on things, unfortunately. It's a very long story, with many similarities.

Marriage counseling can be great if you both want to fix this. One thing I wanted to say about the sex drive... Please believe her! I would love to have the drive I had pre-babies and I am working on it :)... But knowing my H understands is helpful towards this common goal.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,186 Posts
One other thing.. she needs to be willing to make love to you even if she has no libido... If she waits for that, it could be quite a while.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,033 Posts
According to many books including "His Needs, Her Needs" the number one need of men is fulfilling sex. If she is not trying to meet your needs here, your reaction is only normal. Do not feel guilty for this. She needs to own up to her part of this.

As for moving out, move back in right now. Space is another name for separation and many spouses that are thinking of cheating think that if they are separated they can cheat. She may have already found a new potential lover in her dance crew and wants you out of the house so that she can better rationalize her cheating and have an easier time doing it.

Their are a number of red flags that indicate that she has or will soon cheat. Reinventing history such that her wrongs to you do not matter but your reactions to her wrong do. Blame shifting such that she no longer takes responsibility for leaving the marriage. Saying that she is "unhappy" and that their is nothing you can do that will likely fix it. Doing activities that have her befriending men that you do not know. Wanting you to move out so that she can have her "space". These are all right out of the cheaters script. Read some of the threads in the infidelity forum on this site and other sites and you will see what I am talking about.

Reclaim your home right now. Every day that passed lowers your odds of staying married. Do not let her talk you out of this. You have a right to be there and she has no right to say otherwise. If she does not like it she can move out. You are in bigger trouble than you know and you need to fight for your marriage now.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
524 Posts
TRy's advice sounds ridiculous and jumps to waaaayyy too many unsupported conclusions, but there is some underlying truth in what he says. I don't believe she is cheating or thinking about cheating. I say that because I can understand how she feels based on what you told us, albeit very limited information. There is, however, nothing in what you wrote to think she is cheating. She did not begin dancing and other activities to meet someone. You stated specifically that she'd been involved already. It is a good thing that she got back into it for her ownself. You also should begin a hobby or other activities.

The underlying truth I think is that it isn't that she has no libido, it's that she has none for you. If another man tried to talk to her and showed her some attention, I believe her libido would suddenly reappear. A man being interested in a woman is intoxicating and is capable of changing her feelings and body chemistry where sex is concerned. The reason is that every woman needs to be/feel desired. However, sex cannot be a chore to her or a duty. The attention has to be positive, and it's very positive when a man is trying to get some and trying to make her like him, and the whole thing feels new. You represent obligation and not only that, you demanded sex from her. And worse than that, you ceased to make her feel special and loved because she ceased to make you feel special and loved. The whole idea felt like nothing but something she HAD to do for someone who was no longer interested in her. And, the fact is, if she asked you to leave, you were getting on her nerves with the way you have been acting. You admit to that and honestly, I don't blame you. Yes, your reaction was normal as TRy stated, but that doesn't make your response okay. You didn't know a better or more production way to respond and ended up making matters worse.

The two of you should have been in marriage counseling a long time ago, but it's not too late. I don't know about a weekend retreat, but I suppose it's worth a try. I think you both should commit to something more intense and more engaging to be effective. You are not together, so what can be accomplished in a weekend? You both need to be obligated on a daily basis to work on your marriage. Unlike TRy, I am not saying you should move back in and force your presence on her and be that much more demanding. I think you should attend marriage counseling that requires you both spend time together learning and practicing communication and applying other skills the counseling will teach. You should ask her if she is willing to work on the relationship and to declare her commitment. If she declares, then counseling should begin post haste.

Something else she needs is to be romanced. Like I said, if another man wanted to get with her, he would pour on the romance to get her to like him. And, quite frankly, you would do it for the next woman should you and your wife ever divorce. That's what you need to do if you want your wife and marriage back. Show her another side of you - the side that made her fall in love with you in the first place. Commit yourself to dating her, doing the little things for her, and spending alone time with her........just because, with no intention or expectation of getting anything in return.

But before you begin, you both need to learn what love means. People always say love is unconditional, while they are busy applying conditions. Some people think unconditional love means they will or should love a person no matter what. But that doesn't make sense and is pretty ridiculous. No one should love a person no matter how the person is and no matter what the person does to them. Unconditional love means to love without expectations - to expect nothing in return. That is where you went wrong. You claimed you loved her, but you applied conditions to your love. She wouldn't have sex with you, so you wouldn't do anything for her. That's the wrong idea although like I said, I do understand why you felt that way. But it showed your wife she cannot depend on you. In the end, two wrongs never add up to be right. Look at where you are right now.

Watch this movie. You can buy it, rent it,or borrow it from the library. I just saw it yesterday at Walmart.

Then, get this book and take the 40-day Love Dare.

Just a note to say the movie and the book are both religious and Bible-based. If you are not a religious person, please don't let that stop you. The principles imparted are universal, so you can ignore any religious references and still follow the principles.

Also, become a regular reader of this website, Marriagebuilders.com and as part of her commitment to working on the marriage along with you, ask your wife to become a regular reader also. This page is a summary of the Basic Concepts. You both should read all of the articles down the ribbon on the left side of the page. Also, after reading an article, then do the questionnaire. You should print two pages of each questionnaire - one for each of you to fill out. Don't rush things, but do place yourselves on a timeline or schedule to discuss your answers together. Maybe one week to read and do a questionnaire, and then schedule a time about a week later for discussion. You can work on each article and questionnaire within a two- or three-week period. You both have to agree to the schedule and commit to the agreement.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
To TRy,
Sorry, I didn't make other things clear that we've never had trust issues whatsoever. I do appreciate the input but that's a little on the jump to conclusions, insecureside for me. I am not, nor have ever been insecure with my wife. I do know that the situation is a hairline trigger but I also didn't lean further into the deatils that were completely neutral and talking/texting still for matters concerning our daughter and other financial stability matters, and household things though this. But like I said I will take contructive criticism.
To River1977
Your insight has been an eyeopener. I have though about the easy ways for a man to swoon in on my wife and if she'd be susceptible to this. Although, she really wouldn't give the time of day to another man when she is still married let alone the time for a romance to start. We do still have a strong bond and have since come about more with what it is exactly we need to focus on during this last week. We have briefly talked but a talk at all is better than null.
I really do apologize for not going further into details but I was just trying to get my mind on here to communicate with you great people who definitely know things that I don't. That's what this website is for! I will look into the movie and book,and website!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,871 Posts
Nate, your story is following a very common plot as most other guys on this site, My story was the same, look at SRN... Try is correct, there is something more happening with your W, its not that she just "can't fall back in love because when she loses it its gone forever" that is what she has convinced herself in order to check out of the marriage and pursue her romantic desires with another man (either already lined up or else just around the corner).

I think it also correlates with the whole "7 year itch" thing, and I think a lot of it has to do with the diminished sex life after kids... if you don't pursue that your libido really does drop, when you are not getting it you get used to not getting it, and you find contentment in other things - but what I now am kind of realizing with women is eventually their libido ramps up again, and since you really have lost so much of the bond and intimacy that goes along with an active sex life, they start looking for a seemingly better thing. Something in them lacks faith in their H (be it their own poor morals or a man who appears weak and uninterested) Its why in my mind walkaway W's and cheaters often have a broken moral compass, because a loyal W will not choose to look elsewhere outside of the marriage to find her need for loving, a loyal morally strong woman chooses to invest back into the marriage and water the grass on her own side of the fence.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,033 Posts
@River1977

First you state:
There is, however, nothing in what you wrote to think she is cheating. She did not begin dancing and other activities to meet someone. You stated specifically that she'd been involved already. It is a good thing that she got back into it for her ownself.
Then you state:
The underlying truth I think is that it isn't that she has no libido, it's that she has none for you. If another man tried to talk to her and showed her some attention, I believe her libido would suddenly reappear. A man being interested in a woman is intoxicating and is capable of changing her feelings and body chemistry where sex is concerned. The reason is that every woman needs to be/feel desired. However, sex cannot be a chore to her or a duty. The attention has to be positive, and it's very positive when a man is trying to get some and trying to make her like him, and the whole thing feels new.
On one hand you say that it is good that she is dancing and that it has nothing to do with cheating, and then you point out how vulnerable she is right now if another man “showed her some attention”. Don’t you get it? What better place for another man to show her attention than in a dance production where it is OK if that attention is physical (dancing). Also, why would you think that because “she'd been involved already” with dancing when she asked him to move out that that proves dancing had nothing to do with it? The whole issue is that dancing gives her a place to meet someone else.

Additionally, when she told the original poster "I do not want to not love you, but from past experience when I lose love for someone that's it", she was in fact saying "I love you but I am not in love with you". Google the phrase "I love you but I am not in love with you" and see what that usually means. You will discover that I am not jumping to conclusions when I am concerned that if she is not already cheating, she may be heading that way. You yourself acknowledge just how vulnerable she is to advances by other men.

As for your advice that he should not “move back in and force your presence on her”, look up the odds of a couple staying married once one party moves out for a long period of time (often under the guise of giving one party “space”). Rarely does moving out help the couple grow closer. What it does do is increase the odds of divorce. Forget the “pushing her away” false psychology; he needs to move back in now. BTW, if this does end in divorce, moving out lowered his rights to the home and child custody.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Lon

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,809 Posts
Incredible. ANOTHER one.

Your wife left the marriage. Read about and live the 180. Let her go. Live your life for you and your kids.

She's gone, and nothings gonna bring her back.

She's gone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
River,
In one sentence you seem to bash TRy's suggestion that there could be something going on (or the possibility that something could happen in the near future) and then you say that :If another man tried to talk to her and showed her some attention, I believe her libido would suddenly reappear."

Which is it? And as you almost always seem to think, it HAS to be the man's fault that she no longer wants to be intimate with him.

Why shouldn't HE move back in? If she truly wanted to get away from him, SHE should have left the marital home REGARDLESS of who's fault it is! You seem to be telling OP that you need to be together to work on things but don't move in with her. HUH?

Also, shouldn't the WIFE also have some responsibility in maintaining a marriage too? Shouldn't she do the little things for HIM that she did when they dated? How about making HIM feel like he's desired and that she wants to be with him?

You then go on to say that love should be unconditional but you also imposed conditions! Bad MAN for imposing conditions! I suppose his wife has none? Please.

Nate, listen to TRy and Lon. Not saying it's true but it is a real possibility. Spend some more time reading here, especially in the Coping With Infidelity forum and you'll soon see that there are many common threads between your relationship and others (both male and female) who have been betrayed by the one person in the world they trusted their lives to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,871 Posts
Incredible. ANOTHER one.

Your wife left the marriage. Read about and live the 180. Let her go. Live your life for you and your kids.

She's gone, and nothings gonna bring her back.

She's gone.
Sounds like it, is a horrible realization for a loyal H. What is even more twisted is how when the H realizes this he sometimes can only HOPE it is an affair, so that he can bust it up and maybe have one more chance, slim as it may be, to restore his W.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
27 Posts
"I feel like the more your around the more it will push me away from you",
"I do not want to not love you, but from past experience when I lose love for someone that's it."
She TOLD you that she doesn't love you anymore, and furthermore she is the type that when she "clicks off", she's done. Lots of people are like that by the way. And lastly she says she doesn't want you around anymore.

So what do you do.. you leave??

Not a good plan.

She's done with you, it's "every person for themselves".

Go home. It's all you have left.

I also agree with the poster that said she's probably going to "seek solace elsewhere" since she isn't looking for it from you.

We all have needs..
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top