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Hey guys, my name is Randy, this is my first time posting. Also, I'll apologize in advance for the LONG read. So I'll try to just get to the point. I'm 27, I work as an IT analyst, my wife is 27, and works in skin care. We have three kids; 3,5,and 7, and we have been together nine years, married seven. To be honest, I don't even know where to begin. How do you summarize a marriage? These days, it just seems like we hate each other. Our marriage has always been a little rough, I was in the Navy when we first got together back in 2005. Life was REALLY hard when I got out, and we are just now getting back up on our feet. Anyway, as far as I am concerned, things got really bad about two years ago, when she got the job she has now.
She works in a massage place, doing skin care. She met her friend Aerin there, and like I said, that's when things went down hill. She started drinking and partying a lot, going out every single weekend, sometimes leaving on Friday and not coming back until Sunday. Mostly going out on a Saturday/Friday night, and not coming back, sometimes, until between 4-6 the next morning. To me, that seems insane. She smoked weed once, or twice. When she told me, I was LIVID.

I am very much a home-body, I don't understand the point of going out and drinking and partying. She says clubbing "recharges her for the next week". That blew me away to the point, I didn't even have a response. It's that F-ing dumb.

She started babysitting her friends kids on Sundays. Long story short on that, I told her no more, and she basically told me "too bad". Ever sense she met her, I feel like everything and everyone has become secondary to her friends and social life. The big blow up we had recently, as in about two weeks ago, was the culmination of a lot of pent-up frustration. We "emotionally separated", her words, about two months ago. She stated she felt like we were heading in two different directions. I didn't think so, but I went with, and I guess I knew it was true so a small extent, but not to the level she thought it was.
We have had so many fights sense then. I can't put my finger on it, but she stated she wants us to work on ourselves, before we can be what she feels is whole again. Nothing wrong with that, but I can't help but to feel like she blames me for everything. All she does is stay in one of the bedrooms and sleeps all day. Never cleans, the only time I see her genuinely smile is when she is talking/texting her friend Aerin. It's no secret, she'll tell you, she has motivation issues. When she gets home, she doesn't want to clean, play, cook, nothing - just wants to relax.

She told me the things she wants me to work on; temper and being better about taking my medication (thyroid). I said fine, no problem, and I went way above and beyond. I lost weight, started exercising got back on everything, I did exactly what she asked of me. I told her: work on your temper; she has a habit of saying she will leave when she gets mad, get better at cleaning up, go see a doctor about your depression and stop going out so much. She did NON of it. She didn't even try. She made a doctors appointment, didn't have all the right paperwork, and never went back.
She still doesn't clean up, and started going out more. I gave up, I refuse put in the work if shes not going to. She says finding a new job is hard in what she does. Maybe it's just me, but I went through many failed careers and lost of different jobs before getting the good job I have now, and it just feels like an excuse. Anything other than results just feels like a bullcrap excuse.

We haven't slept in the same bed in about two weeks, which is not the first time this has happened. We only started talking again because I wrote her some love letters, to which she said "words are nice, but prove it."

I guess that's my point; I'm putting in all this work for getting nothing in return, and I'm tired of it. I could get keep going on, but we would be here for awhile, this is just the surface. I just need some guidance.

Sorry for the thought path being a little everywhere.
 

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She told me the things she wants me to work on; temper and being better about taking my medication (thyroid). I said fine, no problem, and I went way above and beyond. I lost weight, started exercising got back on everything


I guess that's my point; I'm putting in all this work for getting nothing in return, and I'm tired of i
What's all the work you're doing? You say you got back on the medications you're supposed to take and you exercised and lost weight and wrote her some love letters.

That's 'all this work'? You should have been on the meds all along, and if you were overweight, then exercising and losing the weight is good for YOU.

You complain too much. I'm thinking that's one of the problems here.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
What's all the work you're doing? You say you got back on the medications you're supposed to take and you exercised and lost weight and wrote her some love letters.

That's 'all this work'? You should have been on the meds all along, and if you were overweight, then exercising and losing the weight is good for YOU.

You complain too much. I'm thinking that's one of the problems here.
I do find myself complaining a lot these days, which I fell very bad for. That's not part of my personality, I'm not the complain type. I just feel like I'm taking all the blame. But that isn't my point. What I'm saying is I held up my end of the deal, and she isn't. (Yes, I feel very whiny right now)
 

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What I'm saying is I held up my end of the deal, and she isn't. (Yes, I feel very whiny right now)
You held up your end of the deal by exercising, losing weight, and taking the medications you're supposed to be taking.

Not feeling sorry for you.

What have you done for HER?
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
You held up your end of the deal by exercising, losing weight, and taking the medications you're supposed to be taking.

Not feeling sorry for you.

What have you done for HER?
I get what your saying, and I'm not asking for pity. But you do bring up a good point. You are right, that doesn't do anything for her directly. I don't really know how to answer that.

I do THINGS for her all the time, bring home flowers, run errands when she doesn't feel like it, etc.

I struggle with the question of: Isn't going to work enough? On the one hand, I know it's not, because like you've said, it's something I should be doing regardless. But on the other hand, I work my ass off for my family, I'm where I say I'm going do be, I'm always readily available and I do everything I'm asked of. I do feel lost on this subject, I have nothing that resembles a social life.
 

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Hey.

I'm 28 with one 3 year old. I've been through depression, I love to go out with my GFs on a regular basis. So some similarities to your wife, maybe a little bit.

1. I think your wife is going out a too much--she's escaping something. Honestly with 3 kids at 27, I'd probably be tempted to do the same. Doesn't make it okay, but what she is doing isn't "normal" by any means.

I am very much a home-body, I don't understand the point of going out and drinking and partying. She says clubbing "recharges her for the next week". That blew me away to the point, I didn't even have a response. It's that F-ing dumb.
People who are routinely criticized and judged by their spouses will eventually find that their spouse will not open up to them.

I don't really understand some of my husbands loves either. I don't think they are dumb by any means, however, and watching him talk about them or participate in them together lights him up and brings us closer together.

My husband doesn't really like my music. When I ask him to come with me to a club and dance--he goes and gets his jam on which lights me up because it's fun to do things with him.

This might be one of the reasons (beyond depression) that your wife feels like you are going in two different directions. What would happen if you invited yourself along next time?



Long story short on that, I told her no more, and she basically told me "too bad".
This probably needs a little expanding. Like is babysitting bringing in money? What does she get out of babysitting and what is babysitting doing to you that you feel like you had to issue an ultimatum?

What I'm saying is I held up my end of the deal, and she isn't
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Complaining about it probably won't change it. When she is in her room not cleaning, what is the response you get when you say "hey, lets do xxx together?"

From what I see, you both lack empathy for each other. She isn't here so I'd tell her different things but building that empathy back up is probably one of the most important things that could be done here.
 

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Isn't going to work enough?
Sorry to double post:

No. No it's not.
You work, your wife works. Work is work.

Being in love is another job with tasks all of its own and believing that a paycheck is enough is a deadly trap to fall into.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I think your wife is going out a too much--she's escaping something. Honestly with 3 kids at 27, I'd probably be tempted to do the same. Doesn't make it okay, but what she is doing isn't "normal" by any means.
Thank you. This is a subject I really am lost on. I genuinely did not know what was too much, or not, thanks.




This might be one of the reasons (beyond depression) that your wife feels like you are going in two different directions. What would happen if you invited yourself along next time?
I've asked myself this very question, the answer is I really don't know. I know I get bored after a short time at a club or a bar, but past that, I guess nothing really. It's just not something I'm used too.



This probably needs a little expanding. Like is babysitting bringing in money? What does she get out of babysitting and what is babysitting doing to you that you feel like you had to issue an ultimatum?
The money that is does bring in is few and far between, and I certainly never see it. Really, the problem is these three kids are HORRIBLE. There mean, disrespectful, loud, and it rubs off of my kids, then I spend the next few days reprogramming them to not be little jerks themselves.

After all that, my wife still refuses the tell her friend to find someone else, because she doesn't want her group of friends to be mad at me. WTF??????

Complaining about it probably won't change it. When she is in her room not cleaning, what is the response you get when you say "hey, lets do xxx together?"
Most of the time, literally no response at all. She just ignores me and continues to play on her phone. I'll stand there for a few minuets, and when I turn to leave, I get "where are you going!?"

Or some other reason why she can't do it right then and there.

From what I see, you both lack empathy for each other. She isn't here so I'd tell her different things but building that empathy back up is probably one of the most important things that could be done here.
That's what I'm looking for, I feel that this is right. I know I've lost some, for sure.
 

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Sorry to double post:

No. No it's not.
You work, your wife works. Work is work.

Being in love is another job with tasks all of its own and believing that a paycheck is enough is a deadly trap to fall into.
You are right, I just wish it was enough, I guess.
 

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Honestly, it sounds like your wife has lost respect for you & the marriage. Staying out all night & not coming home until the next morning is utterly unacceptable. Your wife has no consequences to her actions. Telling your wife that her actions are wrong is not a consequence, you have got to SHOW her you mean business.

I know this gets brought up a lot, but are you sure your wife isn't cheating? It seems like $hit went downhill the minute she met this new friend at work. I would investigate without letting her know. If you find nothing, cool. If you do find something, make copies & keep them in a safe place until you seek legal counsel.

I will admit that both you & your wife married & started having kids really young. I am thinking that Miss Taken may be on to something about your wife wanting to escape. I can totally see that too.
 

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Honestly, it sounds like your wife has lost respect for you & the marriage. Staying out all night & not coming home until the next morning is utterly unacceptable. Your wife has no consequences to her actions. Telling your wife that her actions are wrong is not a consequence, you have got to SHOW her you mean business.

I know this gets brought up a lot, but are you sure your wife isn't cheating? It seems like $hit went downhill the minute she met this new friend at work. I would investigate without letting her know. If you find nothing, cool. If you do find something, make copies & keep them in a safe place until you seek legal counsel.

I will admit that both you & your wife married & started having kids really young. I am thinking that Miss Taken may be on to something about your wife wanting to escape. I can totally see that too.
Yea, multiple family members have questioned her, all to no avail, and the same answers. I don't want to go down the spying road, but I guess I have no choice. Like I said, I work in IT,I can anything out.

I'm just glad I'm not crazy, and my thoughts are in fact shared. You know when your gut is right.

For ***CS sake, I wrote her SIX pages of love letters, and got nothing but sarcasm.
 

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I suspect she's spending a fair chunk of change at these bars as well. How much money does she make?

she doesn't need to quit her job. She needs to grow up. She's a mother with 3 young children who need her attention and need a good example.

regarding what she doesn't do around the house my suggestion to you is to not pick up the slack for her. If you cook just cook for you and the kids. If you clean just clean for you and the kids and the same goes for laundry.

since you can't force her to do anything all you can do is change yourself.

a married woman with three young children staying out until the wee hours of the morning or not coming home at all is irresponsible and certainly unacceptable.

I have a feeling that she wouldn't be able to make it on her own. and I think that you would be foolish not to suggest that perhaps you should divorce.

since you do everything now you would continue to do everything and keep the kids and she would pay you child support.

So keep a log book and begin to document her coming and going and also how much money she spending on booze and cover charges.

make sure the you have backups of your record keeping because she might find it and destroy it.

don't argue with her. Tell her what you want and what the consequences will be if things don't change. then don't nag but plan.
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Awwww, man! Time to dig deeper.
I went through the rest of her email, her sms, Facebook, everything. So far, this look like an isolated incident. I even logged onto Verizon, and there isn't anything other than this. I work in IT, I can find anything.

When I confronted her about it, she didn't try to deny it at all. Her explanation is: back then, she was very unhappy. She felt like she had failed our marriage and was looking for "outside perspective". She was on a momswap site that, as she stated, "led" her to this guys ad. They talked for about two days, he turned to be a creep, wanting pictures - your gets mine kind of stuff. That's when she says she cut it off.

A lot of this I have trouble with. She said she just wasn't in the right frame of mind, "emotionally compromised" as she basically put it. Some of her reasoning would be lame for a guy, much less her.
 

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I suspect she's spending a fair chunk of change at these bars as well. How much money does she make?

she doesn't need to quit her job. She needs to grow up. She's a mother with 3 young children who need her attention and need a good example.

regarding what she doesn't do around the house my suggestion to you is to not pick up the slack for her. If you cook just cook for you and the kids. If you clean just clean for you and the kids and the same goes for laundry.

since you can't force her to do anything all you can do is change yourself.

a married woman with three young children staying out until the wee hours of the morning or not coming home at all is irresponsible and certainly unacceptable.

I have a feeling that she wouldn't be able to make it on her own. and I think that you would be foolish not to suggest that perhaps you should divorce.

since you do everything now you would continue to do everything and keep the kids and she would pay you child support.

So keep a log book and begin to document her coming and going and also how much money she spending on booze and cover charges.

make sure the you have backups of your record keeping because she might find it and destroy it.

don't argue with her. Tell her what you want and what the consequences will be if things don't change. then don't nag but plan.
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She doesn't make nearly as much money as I do, we have discussed that fact that she MIGHT be able to pay for herself, not even one kid, much less three.

Not doing things for her, been there done that.

I told her, after her birthday this weekend, no more going out for awhile, at all. She didn't fight me on it, she agreed.

I have been keeping records for awhile, so there's that.

Her apology was genuine, and I do believe her, for the most part, when she says it's a one time thing that ended before it began. The evidence supports it. However, I am "sleeping with one eye open".
 

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What concerns me the most about her "emotionally compromised" explanation is - What if she goes through another phase where she is feeling that way? Will she be a repeat offender? It's good that she quickly caught on the guy was a creeper & didn't allow any funny business. However, the "what ifs" would go through my mind. Your wife demonstrated poor judgement during an emotionally vulnerable time. Did she ever talk to you about it? Or was this period she is describing news to you? She should have never turned to another man for a perspective, you should've been the one she turned to.

Although she agreed to not go out for a while, exactly what does a while mean? Several weeks? Several months? I think now would be a good time to discuss boundaries about going out with friends.
 

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What concerns me the most about her "emotionally compromised" explanation is - What if she goes through another phase where she is feeling that way? Will she be a repeat offender? It's good that she quickly caught on the guy was a creeper & didn't allow any funny business. However, the "what ifs" would go through my mind. Your wife demonstrated poor judgement during an emotionally vulnerable time. Did she ever talk to you about it? Or was this period she is describing news to you? She should have never turned to another man for a perspective, you should've been the one she turned to.

Although she agreed to not go out for a while, exactly what does a while mean? Several weeks? Several months? I think now would be a good time to discuss boundaries about going out with friends.
I am worried about her repeating this. She has never done anything like this before. I don't want this to become a coping mechanism.

Your wife demonstrated poor judgement during an emotionally vulnerable time. Did she ever talk to you about it? Or was this period she is describing news to you? She should have never turned to another man for a perspective, you should've been the one she turned to.
That's is an ongoing issue with her, she has always been completely closed off. That is what is a little backwards about us, I'm the open, talkative, emotionally available, huggy-felly one. She just simply isn't, she raised to not talk about feelings. It's point blank something you just don't do.

Anyway, it's not that she didn't talk to me, she doesn't talk. NOT an excuse though, I was raised the same way, and I realized at a young age that complete BS.
 
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